woah hold up moon beams (under-eyes) what is this greenpoint? (brooklyn joke)(you wouldn’t understand, you aren’t very cool, it’s ok though)(no it’s not)(()()()help i can’t stop doing brackets. lisa disappeared into public butter after our disaster hangover cadillac drunk lunch afternoon appointment. we sat in sopping wet clothes progressively becoming more and more retarded (it was really fun)(we think?) and lisa described everyone’s outfits in the room and gave them appropriate celeb-ties, i think we had a mae west? i forget.
we lit the hello kitty candles. if i can’t live in the hello kitty mansion then i can build my fucking own. lisa was like, those are awesome. after i go i know, he’s so whipped right? she collapsed into the cadillac booth. the teacher thinks i am an eleven. pfffft haha.
the rain made my newly processed hair (toned) crimpy. i was full on skid revival yesterday bab-ay. hey raymi nice givin’er with ya is what terry put in my fubar book. le sigh. then i recited a passage about benders to teacher as we were walking back to the tower from a booze run. the second walk in the rain yesterday. it would be an insult to degenerates if i said that was what we were yesterday. i am starting to have blog stress nightmares now so i think one piss-up on a saturday is allotted no? after a cleanse? i feel tons better today, we went to bed early ok where was i was about to say my part about benders.
how long is a bender? how long is a piece of string? depends who’s fuckin ‘cuttin it. BAAHAHA. i interpret this to mean, if you’re a good pisstank or not. i know i am. too good. which is why i got to cut it the fuck out.
shitty weather weekend. great weekend to get loungers though cos once it’s finally good and solid summer gold you will all be screwed. i am pumped to have a summer buddy this summer. a teacher, no work til september. i said he is going to have the best summer ever. summer bloggins. he’s going to be my bitch intern. ha kidding. well he sort of already is. he doesn’t know any of this yet.
lisa’s like, what are you an easter bunny gangster? yes. i am. we died laughing at that, i know it’s so fucking wussy. i’m all yeah what’s up gobble gobble, trick or treat muh-fuckers! the easter bunny has zero sayings. ps i am in an easter bunny movie, that hank and mike one. i am fat and brunette in it.
you’re not supposed to have people over and have them see burnt wicks so you have to go around lighting those candles, it’s rude if they see them, i guess it’s cos like, oh, you started without me or had other people here? in etiquette world you can’t cheat on your guests with other guests you have to make them feel special like at the spoke club when the dude shows up with his wife even though he was there the night prior with his mistress, you greet him like you didn’t see that to blow his cover to the wife.
stole a bag by mistake. whatever. these things are just annoying to use anyway i tied one of the loops into an impossbile knot it has all my cds contained like a big clusterfuck pile scatter in there i want to just pitch it in the garbage entirely.
can you tell i am in a desperate housewives competition yet? is there a liberty village show like this yet? ding ding ding! lisa and i were strolling in the rain for the second time to get brews and i gestured to the houses all perfect and said what my colleague said from a friend’s father about the perfect trees planted in the perfect front yard plots, that god had so totally meant and intended for these trees to be planted right HERE and there. we agreed that i totally fit in or am taken for one who does, total phony person implant meanwhile if they only knew. fools. ha ha.
i need a tea room before all these girlish things can be collected. i started creating a huge bouqet of their faux flowers but thought better. get the big pieces first. how many are wondering if i am moving in.
i am letting it play out on its own and not doing it stupid this time around. eventually it will reach a point where sexy decisions will have to be made. WILL HE GET THE GIRL BEFORE SHE BREAKS OUT. bitch why i always got the mad dramz like dat?
art piece idea to be stolen by ikea: motorhome a crew to ikea to get drunk then drunk shop and decorate motorhome’s interior. dueling teams for the better space. motorhome necessary so everyone can get blasted and not have to drive drunk, save for driver who does not get to be involved in decorating decisions because will be sober, but can be used for decorating. the team who is the most drunk with the best motorhome decor to make it back to toronto (from the etobicoke ikea) for some whatever ridiculous event wins. there i just wrote your entire campaign you can drag out for as long as you like.
uncurled it and it looked like a cassette tape. i wanted to walk out of there with one looong plastic band and then ultimately (hopefully) have the bottle clank off the table to the floor dragging behind me a la napoleon dynamite in the back of the bus but fucking LISA cut it off.
duck quesadillas. teacher doesn’t like eating duck, the idea of duck (totally against foie gras) i say whatever. it’s linked to royalty and we all know i wanna bone a knight super bad so bring on le canard.
sent this monstrosity back. grilled caesar. you can’t do high-end because when people go to the caddy they’re going there to slum it and i was not in the mood to saw through lettuce, plus they went too heavy on the anchovy. i was like they must read my blog cos i can detect every single component in this dressing, it’s my exact recipe. anyway, i would eat that meal anorexic style (copiously, like make it the only thing i ate, once, daily) but not saturday disaster style and then even then if i was in the mood for a high end salad like this, it would not be at the cadillac, it’d be at the royal york’s epic, or bar mercurio. in summation, verdict’s still out. there’s burnt cheese and two pieces of bacon but the bread is rock hard and confusing ok this is pedantic bitchy and boring lets move on.
working on how intense he looks in photos, he’ll look good and i’ll go to shoot him and then he does blue steel or gets fidgety. it’s cute but all wrong. see how the chairs are all stacked. totally last shoppers.
i am getting a lot of mileage out of that one blue thumbnail. i should go get that bottle and other shades there’s new nail polish colours out now finally.
i came out and said not so ugly am i now eh! as before we were catching some air and i had a towel on my head and no eyebrows or make up and it was a little bit scary fugly.
i am never running to brennen ever again. bad idea. dumb idea. but, i learned i love running. crazy people run. who runs? lets run! brennen runs by the lake he said in the mornings so maybe we will run together. i ran with my purse in one hand and a vitamin water in the other listening to tunes. i ran by a homeless guy holding a cup out i visualized grabbing it marathon styles and raining coins down on my head. where is zach galifianakis when you need him? oh and yesterday alicia bbm’d me abut this tweet and said to write this shit down already and do stand up. OK ALREADY FINE! don’t worry i corrected myself afterward. what’s a sower?
have no idea what he puts in it (kind of do?) but it’s soft as feathers every time all over again. he wants to give me a trim. not ready for that yet. next time.
sorry i am your most disgusting client. brennen loves trashy girls so, i’m pretty much fine. i was sweating and beet red when i got there (i ran from dufferin) and my hair was hilarious (pebbles cute with roots) and he goes you are SO trashy. haha what? he means it as a compliment. i think. i hope.
haha check holmeslice behind me all cashed out in the delivery area, totally. everyone was all stress licking on their ice creams while waiting in line i provided far-away narration for all the normies om nom nom om nom NOM! keep licking and you won’t explode in rage. i introduced the teacher to the cafeteria and to my friend, heineken aka drunk shopping. he was all whaaaaaaaaat? oh yeah oh YEAH. my brother and i preach drunk christmas shopping like no other. mad mall anxiety yo. i was speed walking through ikea and teacher was like please can we slow this down a notch. NOPE. i’m a sprinter. WE MUST WIN.
i had showroom hair. price is right hair. the meatball lady was scary and yelling, super intense, i had low blood sugar and was shaking, pretty weak. i haven’t been eating. i think i am a little bit insane right now. i RAN to my hair appointment yesterday, also of which was a work out day.
haahahahaha they were almost out of food i cannot even tell you the tornado of meltdown that would have occurred had we been on the other side of the cut off for food point. it was very concentration campy, hostile. i turned to teacher (whoops i almost typed his name) and natasha came up behind me and started barking at people about meatballs and gravy and fries and i JUMPED OUT OF MY SKIN and then we erupted in nervous laughter. nice first impression to the food area. once i asked for heinekens after thankfully spying the sign for beer she liked us more. we had everything on offer, full on bulimia/survivor reward challenge meal times. i was so shaky i couldn’t carry my tray without it shaking and teetering the beers. that and my mom hair outfit, quite the spectacle.
GIVE ME EVERYTHING AND PUT GRAVY ON EVERYTHING. i had medallions cauliflower cheese puke in sphere cube form, two of them, spinach crepes (ew) and the lingonberry meatball mess hall slop dream dish mmmmm.
look how much i am a lady when i’m done i put my cutlery down to tell the waiter, sir, i am done. even though there are no waiters here. i learned that from a feature on etiquette i saw once. i know it all. you should not ever touch your face once while at the table, hair, teeth, no mirrors. basically be a statue of perfection and grace. of course, no elbows either.
oh my god. no words ha. my brains feel like they got run over by a dump truck, we stayed up late on adrenaline and crazy and new house things glee. i feel like i was put through a magnificent bender. no wonder perfectionists are always on edge and insane, building perfection is grueling and tiring and stressful. but it MUST be done. why? i dunno, to die of a heart attack and high blood pressure. wicked cool.
i belong on the price is right. man has that show ever gone down the tubes why can’t they just kill it? it’s so painful. we got two of these loungers with blue/white navy striped cushions.
this part was scary. apparently teacher got in a fight with someone over cart maneuvering while i was scanning candles. a guy was all, you don’t know who i am. yipes.
i can’t believe we stayed up so late playing on this rug and of all the videos we made this is the one i decided to upload in the night. keira and i loved this jam, i dedicate it to her. ooh just got a strong vancouver hankering. le sigh.
this post is going to be a retarded mad scramble of retarded. buckle up. you will get a taste of what it was like being me yesterday with ma moms. i brought her to her first event, raymbo styles. we made it out alive. in the picture above i am cruising around 9/10 of bitchiness. we stayed at the keg a little too long. i am done with my yuppie crushing.
at le spoke club for the body shop duo new product launch. mom is a body shop slut, her beautiful young skin is proof so i definitely needed to get her in to this, was going to bring lois too but she couldn’t make it so i transferred her plus one to colleague’s name.
(if you want us to come cover your event fancy times email: alex at raymitheminx.com)
i started off on a bitchy note cos the tower is in a disarray and i had to get mom from ex go station and time it so she arrived a few minutes after my cab would meanwhile two long ass blog posts, no idea what to wear, gahhhhh. in the end i settled on a mime outfit with no underwear and a scarf for a coat, i knew i’d be sweating all over the place.
everyone was uber lovely to me yesterday. i love SO pr those dudes bankrolled my (and my entourage’s) ass for new years eve weekend in montreal. holla at your girl.
mom why do you post photos in this ridiculous order on facebook? do we have to look crazy in every avenue/outlet that there is? fine. more importantly, check me being checked out. i’m so shy, i see dudes coming eyeing me up from a mile away and my game is to look away at the exact moment where magic could happen, not that i was looking for it but all suits are the same to me after my keg experience i am over them. all married douchebags. yawn.
i sent shawn and his date to sharon jones and the dap kings last night at sound academy (did you get vvip?) even though i love sharon jones myself a lot, i’m just, spread so thin like marmalade, i can’t do it all. while at the keg i was like this is bullshit we could be at the roosevelt room dranking it for free but noooooo mom has to hold court at the keg lol. agh whatever you won’t stop being socially relevant if you miss an event or two or three or four. if you sell out all the way then your blog just becomes a snooze show off of bullshit. where’s the story? you must keep it real, keep some real.
these dudes (Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir) were so nice and pleasant. i walked away with my their medal on still. lots of people did. too funny. oh here you go, while passing my paper name card medal over haha.
love these. have tons now. we were so greased up (it’s not greasy it’s just, you put on too much at an event you don’t want it on your clothes) for the rest of the night and smelling great.
i bitched out an alpha female yuppie at the bar here (totally deserved it) twice. i had had enough. mom said toronto people are mean. no they’re not mean they’re just fucking assholes and everyone is a touch more mental come spring i think. this woman though, ugh, she’s a regular at astors and i wouldn’t mind having another showdown cos i am psycho like that. i am addicted to teaching people lessons.
my mom said the woman’s ass on the right, the difference between her ass and our ass is ours doesn’t fold/buckle like that when we walk. mean girl mom much?
kay see the woman at the bar there? after my mom and i’s bitchy walk over from the keg we sit down at this corner here and she’s all ooh oooh in this voice meaning, don’t fucking sit here, all passive aggressive like i’m going to sweetly chime in and say oops sorry i’ll move, you know in that voice that pressures someone else to give them what they want. raymi don’t play that. she was sitting closer to me when it happened and there was a dude, in her pack of friends that was sitting beside my mom, a row of four empty chairs none spoken for, so she didn’t like that these two cute blonds were separating her hoarding of space. i look at her and say I’M. NOT. MOVING. then turn back to my mom. alpha woman goes, ooooh, scary. you broke up a party. we ignore her, it’s NOT a big deal but she has some of the wind taken from her sail cos obviously nobody ever steps to this bitch prior to miss white showing up to throw down. so she moves away and her friend is grimacing at the awkward and kind of apologetic to us and i say you know, we just walked from the other side of town and all we want to do is sit. period. friend is down with that. THEN. twenty minutes later she comes back and i’m thinking cool an olive branch. not so much. she’s all, look, now (in teacher condescension voice) you don’t have to do this (oh really we don’t? you mean we have free will!?) but, this is ONLY a suggestion, there’s two chairs down the way over there (pointing to end of bar) now if you want to move over there you can… mom and i are looking at each other silently, poker face city…. we have more friends coming….she continues.
i let the lady finish her bullshit, draw in a breath then say,
YOU NEED TO RELAX. YOU ARE VERY CONTROLLING, YOUR FRIENDS CAN MOVE AROUND US WE ARE LEAVING IN HALF AN HOUR! NOW GO AWAY!
she was stunned fully into shutting the fuck up and beat it.
my mom went wooooooow. LOLOLOLLOLLOL! i had had e-fuckingnough by this point. my mom drove me bananas all goddamn day (love you!) and seriously we’re like basically at the go station we have very little time here and this fucking alpha beast is hassling us. twice. you do not own this corner of front street, you may be a bar fly wine slut regular and be important at your stupid company but you are not the boss of everyone in the real world so deal with it. my mom read that women are like this to other women all the time, controlling and competitive and they won’t stop and they don’t care which was fuel for me to rip it to her good. in another universe if she didn’t try a stunt like that we’d be networking and i’d have said something smart to her when she was talking stupidly about twitter (wrong) and given her my card and maybe kissed her ass to see if i could get a deal out of her.
then a guy in her party (not an actual party, they had a boardroom meeting. HUGE!) started flirting with me from across the bar and her eyes turned into little burnt out raisins of rage. he asked about the things floating in my drink, mom pinched me and i said in sing song alice in wonderland princess voice, oh it’s a razzmopolitan, it’s on the menu, it’s reeeeally good (making eye contact with alpha woman) he’s all nodding and she’s strangling her wine stem to stop herself from exploding. then i go, what’s your button? pointing to his green do-hicky flare, he’s all oh we’re green development or something, then some layman’s term crap i don’t listen to and i say yeah i get it, you give a shit. excuse me? he asks. you’re eth-i-cal. then we stop talking.
more passive aggressive awkward ignoring each other stares go down i’ll skip it but anyway when we leave i go mom, i am SO making a huge deal of giving her these chairs. mom’s like groaaaaaan. but also two dudes come in, so i’m like mom what’s a better burn, giving the chairs to the dudes or going up to her and making her look more stupid?
if this was choose your own adventure what option would you select?
how does it feel getting told off by this when you look and sound like a bird and then it blows up in your face? i really want to read her side of the story on her blog!
and so, your heroic idol walks up to her a little ways down the bar, as mom is collecting her mom things, i tap her on her right shoulder blazer, she turns, dude to her right, the one who was beside her when i ripped her the second time looks at me like, basically all of her friends were silently cheering me on. of course i was drunkish and did’nae give-a care by this point. when was the last time i got in a bar fight? too long! anyway so i say, YOU CAN HAVE THE CHAIRS NOW and she does this phony bow of worship like, oh, it’s “her” you know, like i am the asshole here (i totally am but she started it) and then i say, I SAVED IT FROM TWO MEN then hook my thumb over my shoulder and she skidaddles over to it.
ugh that exhausted me but what also exhausts me is that i got in a confrontation BEFOREHAND at the keg with this dude. hilarious. he’s the one who bailed on me last friday for a cab so i had to teach him a lesson sorry dude you’re being blogged. he’s an acquaintance i have no idea what his name is but he’s friends with my PBC people (parkdale boys club) and so i turn my back for three seconds and he’s gone, impatiently out of derek’s place in his own cab. selfish douchebag behaviour. i was waiting on the street in the scary junction alone at midnight, the gas station’s lights turned off in the ghost town desolate sketchiness surrounding me there, i am blond and hot and drunkish and nervous, total target. now i don’t care if he cares that he annoyed me, i didn’t want to bone him (likely part of why he was thinking i wanted a cab so hard, um no i wanted to get dropped off at my fucking house to grab shit and then go to adventurehouse party, it would not have been out of his way to do that) i just wanted to save time cos i know not many cabs would be out cruising on a lark like that, i normally call for one, derek’s building is retarded to navigate in and out of, basically i am a princess.
ok i’ll get to the showdown. i see him talking to a dude at the keg, two dudes actually. i wanted to stop myself but i couldn’t. champagne and whatever those drinks from the spoke club were coursing through me, a drug addict woman would not leave my mom and i alone at the bar, i needed to abuse something or someone. i didn’t even text derek back saying you’re welcome for the bottle of jamesons (i have class)(sometimes) cos i am mad at everyone and thing right now and i’m taking you all down with me ha ha. all i texted derek was tell your tall assholic friend thanks for bailing on me in the junction blablal blah he got that message, and so i walk up to him and say hi, he goes hiiii i say you know i’m really mad at you. he’s all whaaa? his friend is like woah slow up crazy woman basically i put my hand up and go no your friend here, is an asshole. do you do that to girls on a regular basis? (probably) well let me tell you, you’re NOT a gentleman and you are NOT a man. telling off a giant is kind of fucking hard but i did it. i made it super duper awkward (my specialty) and then drug addict chick comes up behind me and is all what’s going on/trying to have my back and shit and i’m like girl fuck off! (in my head) and tall guy has no idea what is going on so i have to continue blasticating him and then other dude is like ok ok let us buy you a drink and i’m all no i don’t WANT a drink i just want to teach him a lesson. ughhhhhhhh if that crackhead didn’t fucking sidle up to me this confrontation would have ended a lot cleaner and smoother and faster, but she hears free drink and goes in for one which mega-time pissed me off. i come from class honour pride i was probably married to a knight in another lifetime i will put myself through the dumbest of instances just to “win” or prove something. yes it’s like that. anyway he apologized, i brought him over to my mom, he said hi, then for the rest of the evening hung out on the patio because i ruined his night. i knew i would never see him again or have any contact and a real life message delivery will always trump a psychotic text message of rage. i just wanted a guy who clearly only looks out for himself to think twice next time and be a little more chivalrous. god i am so larry david it’s disgusting.
ps. i am still in the throws of “the confrontation” anger that i am making an angry face here and did not want this picture to happen. i am a child.
she was gonna crash but we didn’t have any booze she wanted lol. good to know. she was pumped and surprised about how close we are to the go train out here i suspect she might be making more visits now.
when i finally pulled these out to give them to her she so did not give a shit. i almost had a seizure. do you know how many times she has nagged begged pestered, tried to make deals with me for these things! unreal. unbelievable. it’s true, the kerouac women drive everybody around them absolutely insane. but they’re oh so lovable you just keep going back for more.
and then, as predicted, i was mistook for a keg employee (wearing all black) in the bathroom when i shoulder-checked a woman plowing into the bathroom right into me, i said oh whoops wow and she goes oh sorr…eeee in this tone like, KNOW YOUR PLACE, SERVANT. she’s lucky i had momentum and was already on my way out of there.
oh my my do straight jackets come in pink? my side pony learned me that my hair is uber long now. i think it made the teacher a little nutso when i came back, like, uh oh she IS blazing hot. what do i do? dude you don’t even know how hot i am with long hair it’s almost mean how hot i am.
i asked the dude to do a jump and if i had one more bev in me i’d have shown him the one figure skating move i know. there were too many glass tables and i did not want to pull a mary katherine gallagher.
