not that i’ll listen.

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let the passive aggression roll on in.

joke’s on you, i got your traffic. sucka!

USA USA USAUSAUSAUSUUSUSAYMI!

i’ll be changing later on for firework beach party time.

into my vintage one piece bathing suit. made of wool. and it’s like 37 degrees. #crazy.

happy fourth of july from Raymiami from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

drown on your own time.

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i am actually a trained semi-certified lifeguard believe it or not.

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like if someone was drowning in a river or needed rescue and i sat around doing nothing i could be held responsible for not attempting a save. i didn’t complete my bronze cross cos i was too young and they already skipped and bumped me up illegally enough (broad shoulders, killer swimmer, better than my brother even, bet i could still lap him) and the wait time to turn 14 or 15 was too boring and daunting and then i got a boyfriend and started partying. i could have been babewatch. is the pay even worth it? staring at annoying little kids for hours? snore.

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and i have saved a life before using my training except it was on land in a burger joint ahhaa using the heimlich maneuver on a choking epileptic fat dude. i was the only one who sprang to action this skinny little grade ten chick where is my medal? in a situation like that it doesn’t matter your training, it’s who responds or even has the capacity to react. i hesitated at first but barely, the room froze and this poor man was choking and convulsing and i could not handle inaction. i can still hear the crack of his skull hitting the linoleum and his bulging eyes, his useless colleagues with fries hanging out of their mouths. i’m like this in every avenue in life, if someone’s in distress i’ll throw myself on the fire unlike you wimps. i squatted down on the floor behind him after i barked at his friends to get his thick leather coat off cos there was no way i could fit my arms and make an adequate fist with that thing on (who eats a burger in a leather jacket? this guy is probably long dead by now from a heart attack) so they had this ridiculous tug of war which in hindsight was a bad call but again, i panicked and no one fucking else was doing anything so anyway i was squatting and compressing from behind then he barfed all over me. it was quite a scene. paramedics inevitably arrived and i was pushed aside and forgotten, went back to my table of bros and they’e like you ok ren? then i started adrenaline crying and trembling from the whole ordeal. i like how i made that all about me.

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calling for more tea for mom and a lounger for the roof. the sweet glorious roof.

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aerobics with lois in the pool last night was super fun. we had an audience too. today i will run on the beach and hit the gym.

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ok we get the point. outfit pass.

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i need more high waisted short shorts asap and less of this crap i packed. went shopping again. buzzed shopping. then pizza. i bought matching red bootie shorts for my red lifeguard shirt and one for teacher. sorry for the shitty pointless updates but it’s better than nothing right? fourth of july is tomorrow. stoked.

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slice of heaven.

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lois diva’d us a free night for this penthouse suite. details later.

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some slobs called me “a bit hippy” so i have to chug this vodka cran and go obsess about it by the pool. i ordered a weigh scale for the room my mom and lois are going to roll their eyes, they won’t even allow me to be hurt about it don’t worry an epic essay about fat comments some day soon but meanwhile everyone else is checking me out madbusters it’s so awesome that i fixate on a shitstain bachelor bromance asshole right.

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our new room is capital dope.

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the girls are more critical about shots of themselves and i only blog when alone, i’m a girl’s girl unlike cunts we know so i never throw up pictures they haven’t had a chance to ok so for now on here it’s the raymbo show but i assure you, it’s been the mother f*cking tracey show irl. steve aoki put me on his guest list last night for mansion and i bailed. i am an idiot. supreme. even followed up and asked if i got in ok. so blew it! would have been great for my “career” right? ugh. don’t give up on me yet scenesters! is the scene dead yet though? probably only because i am 4300 years old.

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nothing like sand EVERYWHERE.

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happy pride toronto i am being as gay as possible over here in solidarity. i have spied loads of lezbos with staring at me problems. i’ve been showing off my football throwing abilities too. i can really whale it. ahh finally i have some jerk off privacy so BYE!

KIDDING!

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jet skiing in an hour (it was nice knowing you) and then maybe a run by the water i’m getting exercise withdrawal paranoia.

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don’t be jealous, be happy.

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versace’s house! then we went to a drag show.

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we got mango’d last night and are collectively hung for it. lois got smammered hahah it was great.

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i didn’t get to dance cos that place is a tight ship but holy crap what a show and night. so fun.

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flood.

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we went for delicious ribs at flanigan’s then drove the ocean blvd. we’ll do lincoln tomorrow i bet i think the hangover is going to determine what we can and cannot do today. tomorrow we move suites, i am psyched. pool time now and hopefully jet skiing. good thing i bought travel health insurance.

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i’m wearing this suit today. roxy.

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holy shit where’s a scale i am shrinking.

welcome to Raymiami Beach from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

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welcome to raymiami beach!

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i love all my new trinkets. new things high combined with vacation high. happy sigh.

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whoops looks like i have to remember to wipe my mystery camera lens.

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omg room service is here with a massive table of goodies. so happy!

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spa water? yes please. it’s like the willy wonka of spa waters up in hurr. i started with an orange infused one, then pineapple. in-between i had a corona.

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i am like the only blonde person for miles. loving it. brazilian babes with thong butts for miles too and dominican desires abound. no canadians here yet.

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i love that it’s scorching out despite partial overcast skies.

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this hotel is a dream. i’m going to check out the gym also so i’m not a weakling blob when i get home though im not chowing down or getting vacation fat at all like i was worried about, quite the opposite. vacation score.

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they come around with fozen grapes and evian misting bottles, they might even wipe my behind for me if i asked, that accommodating.

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checked out the beach finally too. the ladies went off for a walk while i blogged and attempted to turn myself back into a bat cave dweller and when i finally stepped outside, seeing the palm trees and glam i was like, i am so not doing that again tomorrow morning.

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i think these flats’ days are numbered.

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we seem to be the only spinsters here, lots of families and cute kids and babies to watch. i am doing pretty good at ignoring baby cravings, haven’t stolen one. yet.

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blue maxi dress is like wearing a hot yoga fog. i’d go naked if they’d allow it.

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suit change. great view.

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this is what happens when you blog: spoilings. makes me chuckle over ten years of snarky comments from assholes and friends trying to get into concerts or whatever. TOLD YA SO.

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i’ve requested some jack for lois.

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next time i will call in advance and not two hours before the office closes before a fourth of july holiday weekend. the hotel is booked solid but i won sarah over. thank you so much loews. can’t wait to see our next suite with wrap-around terrace, bar, and claw footed tub. dreeeamy.

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lois the hoarder has crammed all our bounty into the mini fridge hahaha i like razzin’ on her.

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greedy guts smile with style. ok doke time to get my glitz on and make a dinner outfit. i want to throw half the things i packed into a dumpster, i wish i could learn from my overpacking ways but i never ever will.