i love my head band it’s very roman royal to me. i think of her:
iced coffee wake up. on way to drake.
jenny said my hair was better and made her feel brunette. ew. burn!
ugh brain damaged. i’ll make captions tomorrow. (I never ever did LOL).
the foodie blogger gets a taste everywhere she goes. i better not put on all that weight i just lost.
nick topped the edamame cos i said we just came from the drake. all the industry big players compete and hang and party hardy together so it’s funny and kind of brilliant knowing i’ll be blogging both in the same post.
my life is business and pleasure, mix them up. this is a lifestyle blog in case you were wondering.
happy for the rabbit grazing base we did last night if not for both apps i think i would be in rougher shape. my motion room work out today helped me HUGE.
this is what happens when you keep the rock dream alive. dad i’m penny lane. except not a tramp. i am an institution.
such an amazing show.
the only band i actually 100% give a shit about i don’t care if nerds and poseurs are joining the bandwagon. i liked ‘em first. i have at least 10 dancing to various black keys songs videos online. viral even. had to delete one cos of psychotic hipster sxsw losers harassing me.
and my tumblr is littered with their lyrics and cryptic meaningful captions.
this is why summer is better.
we rocked out. platinum spice girls.
jealous darius?
at the thompson.
right off the bat we had vultures who dragged us over for free drinks. then we were rescued.
i need more wind machines. or to somehow get on to dog the bounty hunter.
this is how we do it.
met a ton of amazing people last night. real people. old schoolers. my kind.
i’m nauseous here and we are driving through a flood. a bit worrisome. we are tailing gary and the boys to flanigan’s, this rib place they were obsessed with. they went four times. i almost barfed. my appetizer was a glass of brut.
drag show night before, fourth of july themed. ahhhmazing. i tried to turn my chair around but got lipped over the mic by the diva hostess queen. then someone said it was canada day and another queen went that was so kanye west of you. i am not taylor swift i will sit on you if you talk during my speech again. me-ow. superb.
then raymi the fucking minx got the whole crew back into mangos gratis. great spot at the bar. stayed hours. left pisstanked drunk. we will come back to this juicy night.
because of the mangling the girls experienced we had a chill night on lincoln and a beautiful italian dinner. these are highlights, my mom has thousands of photos of every single thing we did. i got a break.
my last meal on the terrace. it was beautiful i was glum and happy at the same time. since i’ve been back i haven’t let bitter seep in yet. i am fighting the good fight. life is good. i can’t wait to see my dad and brother.
i had my own chauffeur drive me to the airport i was frantically texting lois. then i strangled my mom and we pounded my last mini bottle of cava. successful departure. this is when the luck ran out and her luggage was sent to myrtle beach. i did my nails on the flight.
i’ve got a new touchpad. i was late for the games casie hissed at me on the phone. whatever dude i’ll still blast a great review with multiple insertions. i am new technology phobic. what i really need is a new laptop so i can finish my book. i am willing to stamp a sponsored by thanks in it.
great spread and i showed these people that “i’m the girl” cos i was the last man standing, still on party vacation time, chatting up a gal who worked there who spotted me at the party and knows me through ginger. we have a mutual celebrity man in our recent dating’s past. we trashed on him appropriately and sufficiently enough til i sauntered out to meet teacher.
the hp touchpad launches july 15. FIRST! bumped into another bro who was present for this event and HE said that he noticed a few touchpads going up for sale on the webz. tacky poor taste tsk tsk.
good thing i got those steve madden wedges. i knew she’d wear hers. i was surprisingly good at tolerating them for the night. changed into burlesque shoes for the thompson.
jenny has way better pictures when she emerges from mega death hangover hahaha she’ll send them. i have so many more from my mother to deal with so it’s no rush either way.
i bought us black keys tickets. day of. front row. replete with VIP. and they let us walk down to floor with our “waters” hahaha bare legs in wedges and platinum hair. so many gross dudes said rude shit to us on our stupid walk through the parking lot after the show. do you put lemon in your hair? no fuck you my hair is worth more than your life. do you normally say obnoxious things to random people when you’re walking around? how is that working for you? that shut him up. no one got comped tickets cos black keys are divas i guess and greedy want all the money they can get. the show was sold out for months. i wasn’t sweating i knew we’d get dope seats.
after hanging around so many hotels it was fun to hang out at the thompson last night. that pool is majorly heated. i would have gone in if i had a bikini. when opportunity knocks, knock its fucking socks off. you have to be special to get up there fyi.
my hair is a mess cos it’s greasy from teacher’s hair product. i ran out of conditioner. i look like that football thriller remember it? i would love to be play a villainess. i’ve already played yuppie society alpha female.
these are egregiously out of order thanks to the beauty of downloading from facebook and transferring to flickr. i don’t think it much matters as nothing that i write here is typical of prediction. we operate beyond the realm of time and space here. ok, on with the shit show. part one. uploaded 155 photos last night, we’ll see how many make the cut. grab a special k bar.
we drove to niagara international airport. we high-rolled our asses on a budget. maybe i’ll write a travel feature for some penny pinchin’ salivating chatelame doesn’t live for herself house wifey type. wait, isn’t that what i’m already doing?
another thing i’ve made famous and pre-meme worthy. boing boing just posted about zombie kinis. please. we’re so hip and over them lois was like please buy 3 bikinis before miami. i didn’t wear it once down by the pool. i had a yellow polka dot bikini, beige james bond beach babe armani two piece as well as a red/white foxy roxy jock bait suit. no need to dawn of the dead them with my monster ball tits.
tracey and i slept here together night one and froze lois out in the livingroom by closing the door. i woke up to a mummy going COLD COLD in the morning then tripped all over myself in the dark trying to get a comforter on her lickity split. my mom is like what the hell is going on !?! CRASH BANG POW. oh lois is cold.
we found a hipster photographer at the blue martini trying to fit in. nice try buddy. see how they think hipsters are geniuses over there. don’t make me tell it again, we are valuable specimens. that and platinum hair. get ready for slit eyes from kim kardashians. brazilian booties, so many curves i could give a fuck what anybody thinks about me ever again. your ego will inflate by osmosis of these people. leslie told me i better bring my a game so my matrix-like powers made me shed ten pounds two days in. an eleven would walk by and i’d be like damn, i AM jealous of her then a fuckin 16 would waltz through and i’m like, i want to shoot myself.
on no sleep. bit sketchy and reason why the next day was a total shit show and why i had the scary ability to reap two days of free car rental. a giant slob didn’t do anything to get our bags in this car and said we couldn’t use the trunk, didn’t show us how to even do the roof. was totally rude and walked away while we were groggily asking for help and sweating in the garage. i yelled down excuse me! CAN YOU COME HELP US!!!? in this bulldog hiss. he took off.
i look fat but yeah i did it a few times in front of these borderline cool people and bailed. i asked if any of them had had the guts to do it themself as it was only one guy and a 7 year old boy, they all shake their heads no way. yeah well vodka and tropicana for breakfast beach walk will surprisingly chisel off some of the jitters. i longboard, this can’t be that different except it’s a rapidly moving hovercraft that you run exhaustingly on quicksand and whence jump aboard instantly flip off like a fucking banana peel. simple! (ps zombie kini is now zombie diaper on me).
mom sat in fountain water. hard rock compound. later she left the rental car keys by a statue we posed by lois said which one was it i go i don’t remember because i was too blinded by rage at the time. this was after losing money on slots, aggressive crazies on bikes screaming at us about our lights on at night, whoops, tooling around the airport trying to get back to alamo to deal with their bullshit (insurance stuff) and no sleep. not sleeping will also make you skinny.
that kid took a shine to us like a g rated version of the mouthy brat from role models. we loved the rocking chairs. i overheard a mousy mom go we are on a family vacation to her husband rocking a beer in the lounge bahaha i go look ladies i know you’re my family and shit but i am so glad this isn’t a family vacation. thank god.
having a massive bruise on my thigh was useful in telling alamo loading 4 suitcases into this car my frail puny self (pro personal training athlete more like) was a horrible experience. they love women there and think we’re meant to be in the kitchen and minding the kids, horrible drivers, sexily sexist. they were shocked and so sad for me. however getting in and out of the back did exacerbate it and make it worse. i kept saying AND on NO sleep. like, yeah, we are totally crazy o’clock right now.
considered getting weed off these beach bums. they’re like the hippies of woodstock in the same eccentric hobo outfit daily. someone took the big lebowski a little too seriously.
she stopped me and said i LOVE your outfit. haha outfit? hahahaha then i saw her tattoo and said no wonder, you’re fuckin talkin to hello kitty right meow. we were tanked. wait, were we? what day was this, disgusting displaced bar fly lawyer day?
my mom would houdini lois and i a few times and i’d say to a clerk have you seen a __ year old blond version of me? then the angrier i got in macy’s to one girl i could tell i could goof on right away, have you seen a crazy blond woman around here? lois and i were delerious. i was coming out of a 3 hour booze anxiety wig out. the heat, exhaustion, changing hotels and cities and shopping in between, i had a cry attack in tj maxx. i started hypr-ventilating from all the screaming kids in the changerooms. then it got worse from there.
this kid was dope though and when lois came back from the bathroom proclaimed THERE YOU ARE! to her. we are a loveable lot. i grinned into my magazine it was such an honest sweet moment.
hahah i wanted to murder that guy with the squeaking arm rest i think we flew on a lawnmower to floridai really do. then he of course fell in love with me cos i expertly deceptively precisionly hid every which one of my dirty looks. i had lois in stitches. he gave me some gum as penance for the umpteenth time i swear it was an obsessive compulsive tick to me raising and lowering it constantly. also i am frozen stiff here. didn’t fall asleep once.
guess how much i was driven crazy by their purses being misplaced and looking exactly the same. where’s my purse? in this the world is ending tone of voice (early on set of alzheimers and laziness on my mother’s part).
he was a pig but he was very nice. we cam here for a shot cos they wanted me to strut the strip and get photos of dudes rubbernecking cos it kept happening but i was too shy and said the only way this can happen is if i have a drink. we did. 2 hours later we were pissdrunkwasted eating pizza at the bar and i told off the bartender on our way out agahahaha. THERE GOES MY HERO!
my uncle mike has a great collection of antique beach park findings from metal detecting on holidays. people lose so much jewelry. oh casie that thing in your bag is an anklet bracelet.
i practised my burlesque by the pool in my heels while a dumpling female scowled at me and her husband deedle dum twin ate a muffin and read a novel. so i switched to aerobics instructing the girls instead. i pulverized them.
then i ran mach ten from our resrot two blocks passed the 100 sign. got a stitch. jog sprinted ran back on the other side dodging tourist slobs and idiots like linda hamilton.
our little hobo buddy. also there was a blue jay. and lizards to feed and pigeons and doves we were chucking bead everywhere. yeah pretty much totally most hated and annoying guests but the best entertainment. cos we don’t give a!
this is what breaking man’s heart looks like. i wanted gossip on the search and rescue. i was drunk you see. he said oh canadian and you’re leaving tomorrow for miami. yo relax romeo.
hey hard rock! las vegas called and they said dream bigger! actually, i have never been to vegas, just near it, (i spent toronto’s infamous black out in arizona) and i so totally want to go and meet holly madison.
scariest most nerve wracking part for me is going through customs. too many bad experiences and mom gets a photo cool trace, draw more attention to my knocking knees and too casual attempt at cool. got through fine and no rescans or opening zippers.
another strangle tracey moment, makes us think she locked us out coming out like this. i didn’t strangle her until we got to the airport on way back. maybe that’s why they lost her suitcase.
game mom one of my swarovski rings. we are all about sparkle. lois and i took hours in this jewelry store, two nights in a row. we are similar shoppers, meticulous, slow. except for when i am in a rush.
before vote casting, please study the following closely. do it for canaduh! seeing as i’ve been emailed about this a billion times i may as well pony up on an opportunity for an old fashioned WHO WORE IT BETTER?
trailblazer (hyuck hyuck) contestant number one: raymbo bright. model actress blogger writer institution. contestant duex: a royal hottie prospective future queen.
ok now her turn.
snoringly hot. i should get bonus consideration points for doing to first though. in fashion world that stands for something. FIRST. also being your own stylist.
so, i just read your post where the slobsters called you ‘a bit hippy’. now, i first have to say that i am a well-educated gal of above-average intelligence- but when i read that ‘hippy’ part, i immediately thought 60’s, peace & love & junk. then i read on and you mentioned wanting a scale, etc. so, i re-read the hippy part, still thinking opium dens and free love. after the 3rd read through, i clued into them meaning that you are carrying some poundage in the hip area. see, so ridiculous is that statement in reference to your body, that it took me 3 times to get it. apparently, the sayers of such bollocks have suffered a head injury or six and/or are jealous, spiteful trolls. you are not hippy (in the physiological sense), but you have curves that most women covet. your body is nothing short of fantastic- those photos of you in the roxy bikini are glaring proof. you should be proud of those sweaty hours at TMR to achieve such results. hippy? that’s nonsense. who wants to date a praying mantis or a 2×4? your body is glorious. don’t give their ridiculous remark another thought.
now, go and enjoy your vacation.
j.
