i lost my smokes and lost my mind and i ran all over the house looking for them and stumbled into the grotesquely obese cats who just look at me like i am mental and im like just because your head is small and you have the body of a fucking cow doesn’t mean you have to rain on my parade, sister.

ok so this is a picture of my ass from a year ago. some girl lied and said it was a picture of her ass and then i went over to her house and yelled at her. i’m even wearing the same undies from the pic right now. indeed.

me being retarded click clickity click

everyone in the world has probably already seen this but i only learned about it today. someone called this guy a retarded fuckbag and said i should kill him but i won’t kuz i think he is hilarious. maddoX

later today i’m going over to RN’s house to upload retarded fotos of myself and play mario kart and talk really loud so everyone gets mad at me. i’m gunna bring my laptop to the other place i live at finally so everyone around the world can once again have daily raymi updates.

another wall from the crawford ghetto

so as you can tell, raymi is back on the sauce. and the weed. but i’m not a crazy lunatic from it anymore. tho sometimes i wake up and it seems as if i could squeeze just one more bevy out of my liver. mmm hmm.

it’s my birthday soon again. march 31. i’ll be 21. it feels like i turned 20 only last week. i dunno what i’m doing and i’m not about to go plan a big shin-dig this year only to have a nervous breakdown again and be a no-show.

i can’t wait until it is warm so i can go all around town on my stupid gay bicycle and longboard and fall asleep on park benches and put together outfits that i and only i think look good.

that is all i want to say for now.

went to some concert last nite where-in emo teenagers milled about, layed on the floor and rolled their eyes when they danced and all the others stood in the back because they like to “pretend like they’re not there” or whatever. it was the get up kids with recover? and some other guy who bonked his head on the microphone because he was so short. fuck. his name is…..R something.

so i have to have a catscan now for this cyst-thing which is not actually on my kidney it’s in my pancreas pelvic something.

im hungover and i smell like hamburgers.

i think the madpony girls are fucking boring and they make me want to i dunno, something. and what’s with one of them being called lauren? that’s my real name, u know. but it’s pronounced Luh-ren because it just is. these girls are lame and they make college life seem like an episode of a dumb tv show that gets cancelled after half a season. show us your vaginas already and stop posing like the olsen twins. and holy fuck who the hell wants to email your dad?

um so my laptop is never where i am at so i dont update too much, that’ll change and not like i have anything remotely interesting to say other than to talk about the blister on my foot from disco rollerskating. and also went to gay hip hop whatever nite where i felt fat ugly and totally ignored all nite long. fags make me want to kill myself. apparently i was being looked at. then went to slut school and missed last call. then went to some after hours place upon which i ate a banana during the short walk over there. i dont even know the name of the place, i coulda been lead(led?)to a scary mean person’s car for all i knew.

i hate djs they think all the music they play’s all fantastic and magnificent masterpieces and they never play what i want to hear. i’m like look you pathetic piece of shit i am the best dancer you will ever see and i can do stupid waltz jumps and leaps and fall down trying to breakdance and i need to hear such and such a song and you are ruining everything by playing this fuckin eurocrap jingly idontknowwhat. and they always go yeh ill play it and they never do. im gwanna bring a boombox to the next place i go.

and when i go to the bathroom i always feel inclined to make chitchat with the other ladies but i cant think of anything to say other than lying about how nice their shirt is and where they got it or i say, herheh are you the line-up? doi.

i order all these movies and then forget to watch them because i change channels.

i went to the clinic today and my family doctor wasnt there kuz of a family emergency so now i have to wait two more days til i find out about my internal organs. how selfish is that?

this is what some of the wall in my old crawfrod ghetto apt. looked like upon us all deciding to get the fuck out of there and leaving a nice welcome to yer new pad for the lesbos who moved in afterward. fuckin fuck i hated my landlord.

the cats here are crazy like they’re being chased by invisible animals. i swear one of them flew across the room and into the blinds and totally destroyed them. so funny. and my other cat we got his hair all shaved off so now he looks anorexic and all skeletal but has a big fluffy head of hair. we build forts together in my bed. i’m so lame.

i want an under the table job because i am like so bored.

im sucha whore. i had this book thing that i was working on and it was all about being miserable and lame stuff like that and i thought no one wants to read that shit so then i thought i should just write about all the boys and girls i ever humped but then i started counting and realised how much a ho-bag i am and decided fuggit.

so i got my kidney thing ultrasound done today. the nurse was kind of a bitch to me, like, roll over this way, breathe in, don’t breathe, breathe now, i said don’t breathe, put your arm up..da da da…i could tell maybe that what she found wasn’t too good kuz she all of a sudden started making phoney small talk with me for no reason. i have to wait a week for the results. p’shhhh. and then i had a blood test. i’m telling the nurse i have very tiny veins and i’m very sensitive to pain and she’s feeling around my arms and shit and i’m all be careful please and then STAB STAB STAB into the vein she goes. so fucking painful. these nurses, i tell you…

oh and i sing in my dad’s beatles band now. how funny is that. and i’m taking vocal lessons too. my dad is all hyper-focused on this shit. he’s a total beatleNazi. i swear. i’ll let u know when we have a gig so u can come laugh at me.

she is the rain

all i ever do is think about how i feel, and all i ever feel is terrible

i lose everything

i am told that if you resist the natural urge to come to the surface for air, drowning is the least painful method of death that there is

in the meantime, i could withdraw to my room, could hide and sleep as if i were dead

i don’t know if i’m running because i’m scared or if i’m scared because i’m running

be careful of your heart

by then, i was a perfect weirdo by any standard

ice cubes and icebergs and ice floes and ice statues, where a girl use to be

i wanted so very badly to write a book that felt as bad as it feels to feel this bad

Depression is a very narcissistic thing, it’s a self-involvement that is so deep and intense that it means the sufferer cannot get out of her own head long enough to see what real good, what genuine loveliness, there is in the world around her

a child who has gone blank

high on tequila and seeing visions of vineyards in my dreams

here is something i wrote many many moons ago –

Coke poem

Feeling pretty useless.

I have already typed too much.

I will come back to this in a bit.

K bye.

the other nite i must’ve had some crazy ass dreams or maybe was assaulted in my sleep, i dunno, kuz when i woke finally about 5 in the afternoon, all the fucking blankets and sheets and pillows were waaay messed up, all over the place, on the floor, everywhere, and i was just lying on the bare mattress. what the eff!? so whitetrash. so hot.

i’ve been eating a lot lately. but at my dad’s place there’s not much to eat except for random things that you can’t really make much out of, so you have to be creative. like mayonaise on scrambled eggs with fancy salad dressing with cheese and toast. ok that’s not too crazy, but fuck, there’s only so many eggs you can eat and so many ways to eat them before you start messing around with spices and such. whatever.

i think i’m going to buy the professional soon. fucking right.

went for jap food last nite. the chicken teriyaki sucked. it was like they went out and found the crappiest chicken they could find and served it to us.

survivor is on tonite. my reason for living.

i have to go take my crazy pills. i’ll let you know about my kidney-cyst fiasco soonish. and maybe i’ll write more later. if something exciting happens.

i haven’t been in any car accidents yet. fingers crossed. heh.

i’m too fat to make this picture smaller.

survivor was awesome last nite. what a fuckin diss when the host guy was all yah if you don’t hear from us at all that means you came in last place. hah!

i hope everyone has a good valentine’s day. or a shitty one. whatever.

i’ll probably be laying in a gutter somewhere, making it with a bottle of stoli.

i have a cyst-thing on my left kidney that i have to get checked out again. maybe my kidney is mutating into another kidney so then i’ll have like three kidneys. or maybe it’s cancer. i dunno.

so i think i’m going to try out for canadian idol. everyone i’ve told this to is like, are u serious? you sing so flat. don’t do it. don’t even bother. you’re going to look so stupid.

thanks guys. your positive support is just lovely.

i have a four-hundred and eleven dollar and ninety-five cent cell fone bill. this makes me so happy.

i want to nuzzle your muzzle.