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hello raymi town, what it is?

i’ve bumped into a girl twice now since she served me at supermarket a couple weeks ago. last friday nite with steph (feels like a lifetime ago, wait, that was two weeks ago? my sense of time is just, bizarre. more and more i am learning how much i operate in a totally different realm than everybody else) and i were walking hosedly along queen after a piss-up at watusi. i was in that frame of mind where i may as well have been on dxm or something, bubble brained but then i see this girl with a bike on the ground and she is drunk crying. everyone else is ignoring her it’s friday queen west crowd nite, friend somewhat included (the girl i’ve seen twice since, time two at unloveable) i come out of my reverie (these days in the back of my mind i am freaking the fuck out secretly, luckily steph has her own nightmare right now so i could let it eclipse that of my own invented melodramatic first world problems) and take a mental holiday for 24 hours while babysitting her. there might even be a statue erected in my honour but anyway, i chivalrously (wow this post is now getting totally heroically out of hand now and there are way too many brackets) rush to the aide of this sobbing stranger to inquire what the fuck is going on assuming she got lobbed by a car while riding her bike and i was right. i genuinely cared but i knew it wasn’t that big a deal it was kind of just an excuse to interact with other drunk people. we were becoming a happening. turns out a car “kind of?” hit her foot but she didn’t want to deal with it cos she was on her way to a booty call. steph said she watched the other girl staring at me with wonder and confusion and then she goes HEY did you eat at supermarket the other nite? yes i go, she goes yeah we served you.

crying girl stops fake crying at this point (my attention made her cry more cos she was liking it, i tell you i am a caring stud) and goes oh yeah! immediately in their heads i could see their opinions of me evolving from interesting person we served, balling tipper, great outfit and personality (haha ok that’s my addition) to selfless random act of kindness chick. obviously i am a lesbian too cos i have drunken skidfanie in-tow.

i bumped into girl two at unloveable like i said this past sunday nite. i wanted to play uno then i realised way too much brain requirement would be involved so i passed, but she really wanted me to play. i dunno about you but i am exquisitely skeptical of people who are really nice to me. get shat on all the time by half the nation of toronto so when someone gives me sunshine and a forecast of blue skies i am like now, wait just a second here…

we didn’t play uno. instead we played wasted jenga with stew and suzzi. i feel like i let that girl down by not playing uno. weird how you can feel guilted by the dumbest of things like that.

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i am in the middle of really hating myself right now. i hate that i can’t control my body. if my body isn’t happy then i am not happy. if i am happy for two seconds i immediately panic because, i’m happy. i feel the sting of stress and anxiety every waking minute but i have come to get off on it and rely on it. it keeps me on my toes it is my only boss which i need as i am not with partner whom generally keep me in check and tame me. i require a muse to get this ball rolling day in day out and since i don’t have one i have many and this uncanny somewhat desperate addiction to push the fucking envelope.

here’s something i put in my tumblr the other day. i used to have an ithinkmanic blog that i wrote alongside raymitheminx, if you split the personae in two then you can get away with being emo and write more self indulgently. in the beginning of blog i let go a lot more. sometimes i get head tripped about it because people get to you, thousands, get to you. i didn’t even know i had a blog personae until i was told i had one. i am different in the real world, way more mellow, less intense but i still have a massive personality i just pick and choose what it is i say because i feel like i have lots to say. about everything. it is plaguing. if you’re someone like me you’ve just got to have a blog. so here’s that passage from my tumblr anyway. back to work.

robin david steph melodie lucas stew lately you are the best friends i love you

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my friend was a little nervous when i said i was dressed like a holly madison grease puck bunny. hey guy my outfit was better than yours. i almost dressed the part a little too well.

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went to the real sports bar beforehand. dig that place. good thing it was REAL. really stupidly named. i have another crowd pic where every single man is staring at me, it’s too blurry though. sometimes i am so not used to attention.

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I LOVE HOCKEY I SWEAR. i even wore a bra. that shirt is pretty see-thru. it’s my 80’s swingers fondue party turtleneck. don’t hate.

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hangover beer was delicious.

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voodoo shrimp and green curry chicken. decent. quite.

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shittish tickets. meh. walked down to better ones later on. posing as a self entitled twat pays off.

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i wish there was better wine selection.

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she looks familiar.

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ahhh.

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like it better with pinhole. more old school.

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blind greek (not actually blind but a typo i sent to steph in email meant to be blond so now obviously his nickname is blind greek) spilled his beer all over the guy in front of us right after i was making fun of a guy wearing flip flops (at a hockey arena!) we were surrounded in enemy territory after that. his buddy wasn’t able to pull through and scout out better seats for us so we did it on our own. steph was all oh fuuuuun going to a game but i don’t know how fun for a blind guy hahaha.

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hockey pictures are boring.

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ex hockey player, used to play with “these guys” whoever they are.

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idiotstick behind me is actually saying FACEBOOOOOOK i turned around and gave him the cuntiest look ever. moron there is more to the internet than facebook and ps. that shit is old son, welcome to two years ago.

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we won, 3-1. got in a little spat with a sens fan on behalf of my sens-hating (despising) buddy. now that i have finally seen ottawa as an adult all the hater comments coming out of there make way more sense to me. ottawa is boringtown and it can’t get over it. i saw the entire scene in like two hours, one nite. i said to this girl behind me posing as a toronto fan (she said she lost a bet, same thing flip flops detroit fan said as he was wearing a toronto jersey) that it must burn her up inside that ottawa has lost to toronto so many times and she goes yeah well there’s always the future. you’re welcome osler.

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discoball.

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binoculars is the guy blindo spilled beer all over. he, did not like it.

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i don’t know any of the player’s names anymore. think haven’t been to a game in at least two years. i learned that phaneuf guy’s name, but only because he’s boning elisha cuthbert, or she’s ploughing the other one now? anyway one of them got suspended cos he said the other guy is into his sloppy seconds. love it.

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down in front, hairdo.

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on to white wine now.

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hahaha.

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more please.

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see how i’m pointing? i point when incredulous shit happens like an oblivious guy about to walk through my shot. seriously do your eyes not work? the majority of these white collared idiots are keeping our economy afloat meanwhile they don’t know how to walk around arenas through crowds. unbelievable. i master that shit you better keep on my heels cos i am navigating through the herd like i’m on meth. gone.

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seat change.

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ice problems. maybe if you didn’t crank the heat in there so much?

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ASSAULT ON NORMAL PEOPLE’S SENSES GIVE ME YOUR COTTON CANDY IT’S IMPORTANT. girl with white arm sleeve is the sens fan i ripped on. i said she was a good sport multiple times then i’d rip her some more. i really do not give a care about hockey beef/rivalries, i just like to get people fired up for my own amusement sometimes.

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it all started when she cheered when florida scored. once the booing died down (from leafs fans) i turn around (perfect comedic timing of course as i am a comedian and master of delivery) and say YOU HAVE REVEALED YOURSELF. then she says she’s a sens fan etc and so forth i am already bored of this.

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i didn’t even get baked for any of this. my eyes were very squinty i knew i’d burn out hard if i did and then i might fall down some stairs cos my numbness affliction is back in action again.

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i got a billion pictures of my feet.

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hockey players are really young eh? i say to greek, not like the old school 40 year old players like wendell clark, does he still play? (i knew he doesn’t i was just pretending to be really stupid hahaha) does hulk hogan play too, how’s his season so far? greek’s head almost exploded.

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i promise i will not bore you girls with this ever again. maybe if they let me sit on the ice next time. i should be paid to go to games as many people i know watched it just cos i said i was going to try and spot my stupid pink shirt.

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if i got on the jumbotron i’d do the fake beej motion.

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this photo blows.

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nothing like a stretch suv limo ride.

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or more eating. at jack astor’s.

STARVING!!!!!

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saw your website

Hello. I just want to say that I love how slutty you are. And I mean that in the best way possible. You seem like a person who does exactly what she wants and doesn’t care what others think. That’s great. I bet you fuck amazingly, too.

im pretty sure my dad will be extremely proud of this email.

I don’t know about your dad, but if I were your boyfriend or husband, I’d say three cheers to that e-mail (and yeah, I’d be proud). A gorgeous, intelligent, funny slut with a great sense of style? What’s not to be proud of?

I am not a fucking slut

Are you sure?

I wasn’t trying to insult you.

definite intentional insult you fucking asshole

That’s really amusing that I called you gorgeous, intelligent, and funny, yet your subscribing to the narrow view of what a “slut” is, seems to cause you such distress.

the issue is you are declaring for me that i am a slut
there’s slutty
then there is slut
who the fuck are you to me anyway, or to say?

rude.

the end.

i bet i made his nite hahaha.

next time don’t press anything and cut it off genius. sigh.

ps. it gets better. watching this right now.

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oh hello there welcome to the land of absinthe hangover.

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it would be nice if my brain could function right now.

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i’ve been pretty good lately so uh wait what am i talking about i think i had just recovered from friday’s dinner review. but anyway. you know how it is.

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that kanye thing is fucking amazing. still haven’t gotten through it all yet.

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let me collect my thoughts here.

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why is allergy medication so bloody expensive?

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the life in review backwards. howling hour at crooked star. place of my very first art show. weird to be there after hours.

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and who are these people? who cares. that’s christian. girl i forget the name of but she was super impressed by my bar fly tricks.

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david was traaaaaaaaaaaaaashed. steph and i met him last week at watusi. funny french guy super quick and kind of a prick too, just my people.

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and the two looking the most like each other asians i have ever fucking seen. i even said “you people” and had to backpeddle out of it. guy on left was fucking with me, wasn’t actually offended. thanks for shorting out some MORE of my braincells. i am the most gullible person in the world.

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they were pretending not to know that they look so alike. assholes.

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seriously what right have you eh?

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sunday nite pre-crash photo. boring.

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pol. there. that a better nickname?

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courtney love look coming along nicely hahahah.

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suzzi was mega-blasted. don’t let drunk people style you for photographs cos it’s all on you not them and then there’s evidence. she tucked my hair behind a different ear. do you have like, a part you are OCD about or a side of your face your bangs CAN ONLY be swept across no exception to this uptight illogical rule? well she went against my grain but i let it happen. this is what i was thinking at the time.

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i started working out again and gorging less. i switched to the elliptical from the treadmill to not have bulky ass thighs anymore.

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get your paws off me! haha. i love suzzi she is adorable and funny. craziest jenga player ever. i’ve never been so stressed out before watching someone take their turn i have videos of screaming my head off i couldn’t take it hahaha.

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see told you to go easy. you can see a burn mark on one of the pieces hahaa.

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before. stew is super stressed. we were almost afraid to do well cos we knew it would be her turn again.

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this mighta been the spiral one we set up. punk rock. it doesn’t have to be perfect, i always thought it did because i have neurotic mental problems about order and structure. only about certain things though. playing cards, crazy eights, you better keep that shit neat. i am no fun to play with.

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stew is one of the best dressers i know. our outfits kinda matched in a clockwork orangey kind of way. you’ll see.

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i am never wearing that hat with my hair down again looks so wrong. i don’t have the right shaped head for those kind of hats.

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bad weekend for hair days. i washed it too many times. the gym makes it gross then i have to wash it and then i have newly washed annoying hair. today i’m not working out and just leaving it a sloppy mess i don’t fucking care. ABSINTHE BOURBON TEQUILA LIIIIFE!

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i am turning into ron sexsmith apparently. i can’t go out for like an hour by myself in between one thing and meeting others without some asshole recognizing me and making me feel like shit about it in my comments. i have to move away to another planet in a galaxy far away with a rose for my only friend. aw my new friend dave said this Don’t let things upset you. People are always mean/crude to things they don’t understand and envy ambition and drive.

Like I said, most innovators, artists are manic-depressives, lonely people… you shouldn’t have ot be though.

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that sweater is not doing my figure any favours.

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we look like figurines from a model train world, charles dickens style. pip pip!

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tally ho! those dyke boots jen gave me from central. aw i miss her. we had the best time opening the bar together this summer. one time we got really baked off hospital weed. bad idea. took me forever to open the patio it was like working in hot soup slow motion (broiling hot day) opening up the largest mill street umbrella was impossible meanwhile she was upstairs in her own wonky hell an hour later we reconvene by the bar and i ask her if this weed is she finding it kinda, incapacitating? she’s like yeah oh right it’s that kind of weed. couple of geniuses. i know about florence and the machine cos of her one day i was really depressed so she made a girl power playlist and cosmic love was on it i’m gonna see if i can get one more plus one for guest list at sound academy and bring her along with skidbarfanie and i.

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i sweep chimneys now and stew is a racialist.

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we went to see jackass 3D IT IS SO FUCKING GOOD GO SEE IT DAD!

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there is absolutely no way to enjoy that movie not in the theatre. i was non-stop howling, loudest in the theatre. i am a really good movie date by the way.

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great pic.

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also amazing. fuck this camera, alen, i need a better one.

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soooooome of them are nice though. i cannot rely on the flukes. i have higher standards than this.

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why the fuck would you wear these to the movies? i don’t even wear heels on special occasions.

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maybe that’s why i don’t have a boyfriend hahah.

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pinhole.

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slob chic.

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free seafood salad cos i found a piece of plastic in it at the very end. pol says he’s going to carry around pieces of plastic with him from now on.

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i didn’t even make a stink about it. ate it all pretty much then saw it. big whoop. pol was paying for it anyway hahaha but yeah i casually mention to the waiter i found plastic in the salad fyi. manager slimeball comes over with two free apps vouchers and comps it. $20 is a lot for a bullshit salad. it wasn’t that bad, hit the spot. i never went to milestones before either. i really love chain restaurants and spying on normal people, the general public. i always feel like i am an alien visiting from another planet (why are there two other planet references in this post i am obviously drunk still) when i go to shitty places where jocks and rich snob boring types go to blow money on overpriced not that good but you’re tricked into thinking it is food. you’re basically paying for the flatware and the renovation and what the restaurant represents, i feel. if you eat here, then you are this kind of person. if you eat there, then you are that kind of person. i can make generalizations forever.

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saturday i went to that new cantina place i forget the name i might have written it down? i really like it, definitely going back. awesome service.

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low key casual yet fancy(er-ish) place.

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i wore my red sweater two nites in a row.

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woah ew i do not look good with boy hair. looks like i go out a lot but i assure you, you go out more than me. i stay in by myself all day long every day like a shut in then i go to the gym then i go home again. some days i don’t even open my mouth to speak for hours. when you document stuff it’s typically when you go out so all i have are photos of, going out. despite the majority of my time spent sitting on my ass on this very couch or on my bike. ok i’ll make a going out graph and then i’ll see that i actually DO go out a lot. i just feel like time spent alone deserves rewarding. ask my liver.

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oh and i made this, it’s shitty, not the reaaal flier trust me it’ll be better. i just decided to stop stressing out about this.

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i am going to the leaf game tonite. PUMPED. my jersey is at my dad’s though. i have the best outfit in mind to mind fuck people into thinking i’m a puck bunny it’s going to rule and i’ll be wasted after one sip too. GO LEAFS.

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camera interlude. rogue personae here. you better hang on tight. renegade big mouth. big shot. laid the eff out. so hung. had an amazing dinner last nite, a super good time, didn’t even feel like work at all. internal beaming. my dinner guest was very, overwhelmed? happy? impressed. extremely. we were treated like royalty.

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still trying to master this POS camera i hate ittttttttttttt.

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but then i love it. this is how pretty i would look without a nose. i totally do not need a nose.

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check my callouses. those are from rippin’ it at the gym. biking too.

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these are pop art.

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my boss at the hardware store used to mind fuck me around a lot. we always tore each other to pieces. total carving, non-stop. which is why i love joe jobs, blue collar salt of the earth tells it likes he sees it guys. anyway he tried to tell me that one of my eyes was higher than the other. look how wild eyed my eyeballs are. wonky eye.

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what’s that one music video that goes all washed out like this effect? so cheesy.

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i am on a serious call.

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i am good looking in this effect. you can be my pen pal from far away and i will only talk to you in pictures like this so you can pretend this is what i look like always and i will not burst your lust bubble.

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rob can you roast me at my party? am i too sensitive for that? probably. don’t want to jinx it, practically official by now but anyway i got appleton rum setting up a rum station at my party so i guess it’s a rasta theme jam now. maybe my dad’s band can do reggae beatles. you better not make any plans for the day after because i think you might be in a time warp of rum madness come friday morning. good luck there budday.

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but who cares about you, what about me? i am going to be in a straight jacket by then hahaha.

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a really shitty obnoxious pretentious drawer did this. i really hate talent wasters. i mean come on, my drawing skills a five year old could contend with. i’ve met and know several phenomenal artists with sketchbooks filled page after page front to end amazing paintings, drawings, and do they ever have a show or sell any of it?

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woah ranty, slow down.

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fish eye baby.

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tweaked looking for sure.

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clockworkvision.

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carnivale.

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that thing on the wall that looks like a robot face is the inner container of something one of us received in the mail, packaging. i hilariously quipped that it was a face, we wore it on our heads like a mask, i think we were high or wasted, both, the next day it’s on our wall. family meeting minutes went out and the house ghost decided it was worthy of wall hanging or it’s a drunk joke with a punchline nowhere in sight.

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breathlessvision.

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i have a complex about giving 3/4 face so here i am confronting my demon dead on. be comfortable with your face. impossible.

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3/4 face is lying somewhat. this is how beautiful i am from this angle only you may only look at me from above or three quarters of my face from either side of nose.

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after awhile of staring at your face it doesn’t make sense anymore.

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i always look tired. eyebags are a kerouac thing.

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well i guess i could get a white thermal outfit and wear this for halloween. hmm. settled? too boring and easy? what should i be? i have a platinum wig for someone who wants to go as a raymi for halloween. it’s exactly like my hair is now how retarded is that? i bought it when my hair was long and black.

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annie hall hat?

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HIPSTER WINDOW.

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this couch is a dream to sit in. so flippin’ cozy.

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my hair is growiiiiiiiiing.

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ugh.

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my face looks fat.

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that’s my crap on the couch. for once.

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floor is messy from some houseguests, under the rug mess. ADVENTUREHOUSE.

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and a dirty sock what the hell lucas you are such a slob it is severely getting on my nerves. roommate grievances.

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gym rat. front desk girl was awed by my hair. i seriously go in there looking like hell. i’m gonna sweat anyway so why do myself up? once in awhile i’ll give in and fix my face. this was one of those days and to top it off i have fancy hair.

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this chick hates me too cos i picked up a dude from the gym she went out with for a drink once and he wasn’t feeling her. the other desk girl told her for sure. she’s been icy to me ever since but she has to be nice cos i’m a member bahaha. i sense it right beneath the surface her contempt for me and then she scans my card and my beaming phony blond pearly whites smile confronts her from the computer screen.

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crazy retardedest outfit yet.

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had to work out like a maniac in preparation for the evening’s cuisine race.

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you need bling for restaurant photos.

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to fit in with the riche clientele who are also dressing down to be common. hahaha.

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dress for the position in society you want to be, not what you are. sass said that. so, i guess i have to always dress like hello kitty cos that’s what i want to be.

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polish (new person introduction nickname) said my bracelet was very mardi gras. i did not fucking like that.

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i was hoping more breakfast at tiffany’s. i forget if i liked it the other way better, bigger to skinnier.

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darling lace headband because i am a darling.

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looks better with hair done properly i just had it clipped back because i was having a bath. was trying not to get nips here. blah.

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BE RIGHT BACK!

no wait there’s more!

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you’re welcome it was ugly anyway. i am punk rock. maybe if i could feel my extremities it wouldn’t have happened. they were really nice about it. don’t get me cocked on 55 year old rum next time maybe?

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just anotha day.

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new (pink) camera, hair did.

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already miss the other one badly. i’ll get it back though. there is just something about tiny point and shoots that relax you. you get more photos too cos they’re so compact.

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i can only wear this shirt fresh out of the dryer it’s pretty open. remember when everyone was wearing down to their navel shirts? aw poor tan lines fading.

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ended up changing before i went out. the longer you wait the more time you have to consider tickle trunk costume changes.

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if i changed hair salons sooner i would still have my lovely long locks as they would have brought me to platinum sooner. remember how dark i was?

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you have no idea how amazing it feels to be able to walk around the corner to a salon and have them do your roots whenever you want. i get my roots done obsessively now. Redd is going to back my party too. setting up a station for crazy marie antoinette updos. i will have my hair ridiculous for the night. tracey brought out all these extensions and crazy weaves, braided and crimped. gothic vampire antoinette.

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and i will be singing with Dr. Robert in between wigging out from stress and stuffing my face with palais royale/cheese boutique food.

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november 11 at wrong bar don’t forget. setting up online pre-purchase ticket thing shortly. there’ll be a guest list for all you fancy guys too.

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dom pare will be hosting/MCing the evening so i don’t have to jump through a window and run away down the street hysterically. many other surprises lined up too. will blab later when shit gets more official.

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no flash.

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apparently i have good skin from all the tortured duck i eat.

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oh did you notice i changed?

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fish eye lens party.

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i need to work on my poses.

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doooooood this dope is sooooo goooooood.

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thanks cos my nose wasn’t already big enough.

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see that art? that art will be there for you to bid on. cheap!

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ugh. the gun point. stop doing that.

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fifties housewife hair.

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this is not my mess.

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waiting for date.

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pinhole.

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pinhole without flash.

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pop art. very sharp and colour rich.

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does not mesh well with foundation shit’s orange enough already gimme a chance here people.

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pretentious drawing mode. hate it. well, hate this setting/outfit for it.

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back to fish eye and flash mounted on mantle. nice delay before camera takes picture so don’t have to set timer. timesaving win.

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posing 101.

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trying harder.

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fish eye fireplace. COMPELLING.

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dope caught in headlights pose.

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no longer pinhole. just killing time.

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not much time to pose before it takes, maybe 1.5 seconds, if that.

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realised have to start hiding hands in photos or do stuff with them otherwise it’s all retard claw grasping air. i am autistic somewhat. i wish i was joking.

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ever graceful now.

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nice date outfit. peh. i just accidentally deleted pictures from spice route before uploading them cos i was too busy talking to melodie and testing out some new weed. whoops. so you miss out on some shitty mysterious dark restaurant scene shots. you’ll survive.

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flowers.

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remember, always be gentle, men.

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lucky for you i didn’t delete salon photos.

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our reunion yesterday morning. glamorous.

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bumped into abigail at the mascot.

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missed that chick.

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on my way to salon. they gave me a free little cupcake because i am awesome.

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first photos taken with new camera.

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here i am learning the blasted thing. tracey had this set up for me. my heart melted.

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someone asked if i tipped all my servers and sponsorhips whatever free shit that gets rained down on me. yes, see those twenties (and my makeup q tips), bitch? i am a lady with class and manners.

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super pop art.

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not a bad job. this other colour i did before had a crazy weird effect when it dried, flat metallic red. too dark and witchy. i try to keep it princess. this camera is not very good with macro.

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or i haven’t got the knack of it yet. every camera is different.

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giving up in life outfit i showed up there looking like i crawled out of the garbage. thermal pants, no underwear, unshowered, ratty crispy knotty hair and the roots just make it even worse.

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still i got checked out like mad. why do you get checked out when you look like your version of crap meanwhile dudes fall from powerlines and get in fender benders. i will never understand men.

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worst outfit yet. trish wasn’t the only one trying to figure out my new camera.

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when i leave redd with my new hair i have to put on sunglasses to be incognito cos all the staring makes me too shy and nervous. no one is expecting marilyn monroe bombshell hair at that hour of the day at king and dufferin. popped through liberty village to make sure my bike wasn’t stolen (it wasn’t).

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can’t wait til that shit is longer. i bet if i went back to the mascot they’d give me a free cookie now.

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my camera better get better by tonite i have a resto job.

oh wait here’s two i saved.

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riveting.

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i definitely am allergic to some kinda msg. my hands went numb. embarrassing. the issues never end.

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dying alone, dining alone. bring it on.

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i’m so melanie griffith in working girl here. all i need are white reeboks and puffy socks.

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and a lisp.

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i went to globe bistro last nite to wine dine and 69 myself. how annoying would it be if i said “it’s a living” in that shitty way? what’s the stupid blog movie about cooking? did it flop? my blog movie would be me in restaurants being snarky. snoozefest. actually i bet you could make an epic stoner foodie movie, or eating show for stoners. it doesn’t matter what you see on tv that gets you going cos whatever’s in your kitchen is all you got to work with and i highly doubt you’ve got smoked elk marinating. nice try though.

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this place is gorgeous and expansive. it actually used to be a bowling alley and has the longest length dining footprint on the danforth. they are winning.

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they are also awarded most looks like a jellyfish lamp in the city. second place is mitzi’s.

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reminds me of that scene from the shining when jack nicholson sits at the bar and talks to the imaginary tender. haunted in a good way.

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more jellyfish theme.

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i am a sorceress.

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think global. eat local. see that?

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i looked up and said wow they have money.

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upon closer inspection, thick plastic chains. i like that even better. they might be glass but i doubt it. i should have asked, or stood on my table.

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a delicious surprise amuse bouche of elk tartar. it was amusing. some of its jokes fell flat though. i really enjoy pompous little treats. stick a bunch of warm meat on a potato chip, can’t really muck that up can you?

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i chose the terrine for my appetizer. it’s like that scene in dirty rotten scoundrels when steve martin orders everything and two beers. i never eat foie gras or other obnoxious shit in the real world so i make up for that, feel guilted, then i choose fish for my main.

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super mature.

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sparkling rosé.

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kind of like how i sparkle.

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i am practicing for my courtney love halloween costume. ugh hair. getting roots did the second i hit publish. came straight from burlington to the restaurant. sorry i have city engagements i have to go eat dinner. what a prat, eh? hahahha righteous.

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so delicious. massive tease. they sure know what they’re doing with those little amuse bouches. i think it’s amusing because i picture the cook with stacks of dirty pots and mixing bowls and a completely mental cooking vortex all for this tiny little thing. SO much pressure it cannot be a failure. it must be perfect. you get one chance ONE CHANCE only. maybe a little stressful. yeah i know they taste everything and sample it all first but still i like to pretend all that work and effort just for me and my little potato chip and i feel like a giant.

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the oldest man in the world was sitting over there. when i’m that old i hope to still be flossing it in linen service fashion instead of swiss chalet fashion.

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foie gras terrine i should stop ordering this. i am trying a no dairy gluten free diet because i am an idiot and always need to be doing something so the choices on the menu for what i could eat were like lard stuffed in lard or gluten everything.

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was talked into trying one of the stuffed tortellini (Pork Brawn Tortellini – $11.00 – Black radish, radish sprouts, fennel pollen broth, Monteforte Toscano) and then my stomach began to cramp so i think i have an allergy to pasta or whatever that is, melodie was just telling me about it. does it happen that immediately? i’m so used to stomach issues though so who really knows. it was worth it though, delicious cramping.

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food can look grotesque, fascinating, and delicious, all at once. a look is important for sure but nothing beats taste. you can pile up arugula and compote bullshit all you want cheffy but if it tastes crap your modern cuisine design monthly subscription, uh, can’t finish joke.

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i’ve had a lot of foie gras lately. my warranted expert opinion on the stuff is, well, it’s pretty rich, and if you think about it too much you kind of get sicked out and then you score low on the ethics portion of your eating tour BUT at least the guy was local so i canceled the evil out.

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so being facetious. no, carbon footprint reduction does not condone animal suffering. BUT, it’s an ancient tradition, this method of cuisine. i should probably research it more before piping up. however, because it’s so cultured and fancy, “rich people do it so it’s ok” justification, i dunno. basically all i’m saying is i like it and i hate that i like it and i hate that i don’t even like it that much but then i go and have it five times in the last couple months like an insane person.

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that plate is meant to be shared too, you spread it on bread. it was like eating butter, that’s the rich consistency and texture of it, creamy pâté. i did a shooter of it once at another ballin’ restaurant. it was really really gross and really really good at the same time. that concludes my opinion on foie gras. takes bow.

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and bizarre. that’s where i come in and the reason why i pretty much do anything in life. is it weird? yes. sign me up.

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like, is it weird that i am dining practically alone all the time, super high end shit and tastemaking trend forecast broadcasting to the world from my soapbox? yes.

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pork and pear on the house. i died.

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no don’t do ittttttttt.

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suffering fool.

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they heard me hemming and hawing over the beet salad so they made me one. so sweet.

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i was floored by that syrup. meaty syrup. have your ever had meaty syrup before? ridiculous.

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so beautiful. i didn’t eat the goat cheese. i am really into beets. what are their beneficial properties? (note to self ask melodie).

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this place is massive trust me guy. if it’s photographing this big then you know it. multi-level dining area, so many great vantage points. the front room is darker, cozier if you want that. i wanted better lighting for photos back here.

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psyche guys i’m actually on a cruise ship!

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how mysterious.

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up top.

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hahahaha that’s my napkin on my head.

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le elk. Second Wind Farms Elk – $29.00 – Seared loin, braised leg, acorn squash, pearl barley, shitakes mushroom, lovage jus lovely lovely.

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look how cute this is took a bunch of jokey photos pretending to pick it up like a brownie. it is West Coast Sablefish – $29.00 – House chorizo, Cookstown dinosaur kale, organic navy beans, local saffron “mojo” sauce

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i look crazy here cos my bun is cut off. i explicitly said this photo needs to be jewier, show. the. bun. GOD. nail polish colour photogs well.

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amazing. you can tell they have fun plating stuff here. they’re ever good at it. i try plating stuff at home but i don’t really cook anymore so it’s like kashi cereal with just right kellogs sprinkled on top and light soy milk. sigh. the bachelorette.

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it speaks to me as it looks like lasagna.

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there we go, jewy to the max. it’s not offensive if it’s something you’re striving for yeah? no? who cares my online personae said it i didn’t.

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dessert. check the booze desserts. i really wanted the smore dessert. guess what we went with. of course i ordered a booze drink.

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i love this tree.

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elk interlude.

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sigh. ginger chocolate homemade ice cream. two different types of iced ice? it wasn’t gelato. the cookies made in-house too.

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i can never date any sort of chef. i will never be able to wear skinny jeans ever again if so. that would be a hilarious premise for a cooking show. raymi’s top chef. do it trashy tila tequila styles and have girls up in there too.

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BUT, i love you! as i axe one off every week.

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tears streaming down her face as i slurp on her delicious, but not good enough, lobster bisque, pieces of some garnish herb sticking in my teeth. what is this, fennel? shoulda gone with swiss chard.

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then i say the show’s catch phrase like, you’re fired.

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i got like, so many ideas man.

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spanish coffee sans whip cream. it was delicious. as booze is wont to be.

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ELKAHOLISM.

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look my little drink is wearing a little shirt. to the nines.

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that’s my casual business demeanour. believable? works at cheese boutique. well, some of the time any way.

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yikes look at that one piece on the left of the right tray all folded over weird like that what happened dude?

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i love the danforth. i don’t hang around there enough. going to the danforth is a nice little adventure, something different from whatever dumb thing i was last doing. i’d go to globe again for sure and also earth. thanks for dining with me.

FOOD P0RN STAR OUTTTTTTT.