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hi there fräuleins, please don’t forget or leave me ever thank you! now with that out of the way lets get down to business. show time!

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look it’s my brother and don cherry this morning. they went for coffee together at tim horton’s and fell in love over my brother’s fire safety technicianing at a vetrinary and don was there with his ill parakeet with a sad face and my brother was like oh buck up don. no kidding that didn’t happen at all. but this doesn’t exactly look like a vet clinic at all to me. when shawn was on the phone i thought he was building up to and THEN i told him all about you lauren and your blog and now we have season’s tickets. nope. just, can you email me this photo so i can put it on facebook? haha sure yep. no problem. but then i had to do it for him and when he told what his password was i laughed. we have similar disgusting passwords. we definitely fell off the same burning in hell tree.

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me as a scary monster this morning at cherry bomb. they added soy to the table i think SPECIFICALLY for me because i always ask for it and they always sigh (soy sigh) and hand it over begrudgingly. we’ve been doing this dance for months now and so they added this tiny meant for coffee soy container which doesn’t suffice, it has higher fat ratio so it doesn’t separate in my americano, that does not appeal because why do i want fat in my coffee? retarded. also, cherry bomb’s coffee is super insanely hot so i need to pour half a cup of soy into it to cool it down if i want any sustenance pre-motion room work out or i’ll scald my insides out and i am so not pouring half a cup of extra fat soy thank youuuuuuuuuuuu. anyway, i just said no i don’t like that soy, i don’t like change. they’re all whatever idiot here you go. there’s one girl there i love cos i always say early morning manic crap at her, i’m typically hung and i used to say so to her until she pointed out that i was doing that so then i stopped doing that and i feel like i have to keep it together in there. i draw a crowd, or attention from it with my zany work outfits and wild spectacular platinum hair.

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yeterday mitizi’s had one of those bands that melt your heart. panflutes and pipes and ahh man love that shit.

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best encore ever what is this edward sharpe and the magnetic zeroes i dig that and all the strung out sunday lush messes were dancing all over the place and lying all over the ground and it was certainly a happening. a moment. we were at the bar deep in the vortex. caught in the abyss. the one server there fully obsessed and addicted to his job, teacher says, he must refer to himself as mitzi’s brother. haha only toronto people will get that (it’s actually called mitzi’s sister)(this hilarious joke made me laugh for a long time).

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tin on tin very classic.

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oh what do i have for lunch today hmmmm wonder if it’s anything worth trading.

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my mom in my comments was all it looks like a 1940s vintage something or other. oh? does it now? are you sure? mom do you even read my blog properly?

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this could conceivably be a great spring suit for when the wind gets whippy on you and you goosebump all over. it’s wool i think.

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i’m gonna party with casie this year. ballin’ clem need to borrow one of these dresses please.

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the soup of the day i mean, yeah. basically you won’t look so cute as a cokehead when you’re 35.

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mm hi there.

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i live in a magician’s trunk. for real.

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i will be wearing this with black tights.

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i will make an appearance at auld spot for old time’s sake at some point. i went there last year like this. i’ll show my st. pat’s photos from last year soon i never got around to it. march was a crazy month.

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fixing my girls. when i put this on i was transported back to burlesque and the dance solo i never got around to. my name was lida hosen. how perfect would this outfit have been? anyway i can and still will choreograph a routine, several maybe and film them or i dunno. i have dita von teese level aspirations if i gun for that i can land somewhere in the middle, in-between and well, you never know.

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i’m going to walk around as if i don’t know i’m in a get-up like this. maybe i’ll do extensions and braids. and charge people to have a photo with me.

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enterprising.

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now what. what’s next. day by day. someone asked me what my 5 year plan was? are you serious? more like five minute plan. good call though. i’m going to grow up now.

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i told the teacher that there’s a friend i have that i identify with. he is the guy version of me. saw him last (last i saw him, i am borderline-dyslexic) and was kinda bored, speaking is irrelevant, we have the exact same stories. date machine-gunning our way through the weeks and so i’m like so how’s work, and he goes, perfect actually, better than ever. raise, promotion, awesome office whatever other amazing work things could go right for a person. i just stared at him with my mouth open slightly jealous yet and in complete awe.

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why i’m sore i dunno but i’m not surprised. this guy is beautiful and hot and manly, good looking people have it easier and fall into luck like crazy and for myself not saying i’m cleopatra or anything but i know i get to bill dance my way through life jumping from luck stone to stone in a marmalde colour brook with rainbows and hearts and butterflies floating all around me. job? what the hell is a job? i actually asked the teacher if classrooms still had desks and if he had a bigger one facing the rest of the students like how it was for me in school. i am basically gary busey.

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april lives in a neat place. with neat weird shit outside.

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totally makes sense, is normal, yup yup. can you picture me as a villain in a slasher flick or horror movie. i was invited to be the star of a troma movie back when i had black hair and blunt bangs. if i just went to new york. could still do it. this is how sub-genre indie i am hahaha GAH blah.

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i need a date with a duvet doctor i don’t know how to get my comforter in it it’s one of my “things” i refuse to learn how to do and i think i blog about it every single time WHYYYYYYY oh why am i soooo hard done by.

ok i just repulsed even myself.

now do you want to see the saddest bathroom in the world?

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i slummed it in hamilton and woke up here.

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oh spectacular industrial wasteland like a siberian mad max look at how we hug the planet.

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total recall robocop stacks we went up an elevator into OPEN AIR way up here like batman or some scene at the end of an action film when shit does down. then we walked to the apartment/condo thing, kind of like those buildings in england, that zombie movie, 28 days later. kind of get the creeps. someone in my comments tried to tell me that hamilton wasn’t a shithole. well now, clearly you didn’t go to where i went. lois wanted to teach me a lesson. my coug crew egged me on to this and i was like ok i’ll take one for he team. you better ba-lieve that shit is never happening again.

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!!!!

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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok bye for real now.

have a lovely manic monday.

XOXO

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first off, my title is a reference to beauty and the beast. so if you want to think of that and have a chuckle in your stupid head go for it but first, take a gander at what you’re laughing at sucka!

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BLAM! who gonna be my st. paddy’s date/who wants to hire that ass?

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gettin’ ready for summer!

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my vintage wool one piece.

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forward march!

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hey dewds, raymbo here calling from planet tanfastic, how’s your news? yesterday we hit up DLK on Avenue for rich lady skincare treatments. stellar!

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i put a charles manson x on my face. target zone. just kidding it’s not necessary to do this. fun though.

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oh yeah take note of my weird face (great on film, unique, bizarre, grotesque!)

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Gah!! what the fuck is this!!!?? haha just kidding. no seriously though, what is this again? also, i don’t even know the name of the procedure i had done. (just kidding, i had microdermabrasion) k no it wasn’t a procedure it was a treatment. ok whatever i am retarded right now it’s sunday what do you guys want from me?

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this is what i look like with no makeup on and partially a party statue. no well i wasn’t up that late and i didn’t abuse myself nearly as much as i could’ve on a friday night.

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i also had that important audition to not look like a freakshow hag for. i dressed like a sweet girl for it. with this bra/shirt combo. understated saucy.

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i, of course, was a complete mentalcase (the very best) as usual. i was in character you see.

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i was disarming a little. kooky. i can be tamed don’t worry.

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you never really get to see me this way eh. i look like a ninja turtle in that headband. i look rich too. april was like nice necklace so yorkville. DAMN STRAIGHT you know it.

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it’s about leisure and coming up with beauty rituals chasin’ youth forever.

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this would cost a nice penny for you so i am grateful that i am a walking billboard for every single thing i come into contact with everybody wins.

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electroshock therapy. only a matter of time… i wish i kept that headband. where can i get some. i’ll have to go back. maybe i’ll walk around with a terry cloth one like in a constant state of getting ready for a shoot or some such girlish bullshit. playmate bait. (i can live in fantasy world too you know).

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my dead skin is being vacuumed off here. there wasn’t much. she was surprised and pumped for me. i said i never wash my face and fall asleep in my makeup every night. she was shocked. she said my pores were spectacular and normal sized.

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meanwhile april was having the same thing did. she has had this done before. we both wore beige shirts. mom says it’s a cosmetic tone.

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ooh sassy girl. my new little muse.

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so pretty.

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aw.

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awesome. so glitzy.

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ew barf my stomach just rollercoastered.

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good girl.

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aftercare cream cleanser something or other felt sooo good. i giggled my face off because i am affection starved and not used to being touched aw boo. they have a lot of great products serums cleansers oh boy goldmine jackpot and they gave me the sweetest gift bag and to go bottles and pots of potions and lotions. insert squeal to make you gag by a la hillary duff. love it.

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ok ok ok we get it. i have extreme add right now where are the pictures of me? omg look it’s a fuzzy dog!

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these are rather, um, nice. quite intimate. is it hot in here or it just, me? why am i screeching like a going through pubes 15 year old boy?

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there’s our girl. sigh.

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it was my idea to open the shades. corner room oh yeah try and get hooked up with that one total vacay billowy white curtains blowing vibe in there and balcony facade off the windows. luxurious.

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just go with it.

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yuck. my dead skin. not much at all.

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BLACK SWAN!

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i was doing crunches. linda hamilton esq.

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i got her to swab my cutaneous shoulder bullshit. i am doomed. i have burned my back. that’s total pigment loss. sad face. very hard to fix. can a plastic surgeon help me? i want the thing on my other shoulder removed too. can i recoup from the last dermatologist who fucked it all up and made it worse?

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i dunno why i was jealous of april’s dazzlyness look at me i’m my own special brand of POW WHAT THE FUCK! waterfall spectacularoso.

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just anotha day.

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glad i wore a bra. i need more bras and matching lingerie sets. i want todo burlesque again too i’ve been practicing. elyse! lets plan something.

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love these. the comics are on their gift bags HUGE. better than lululemon.

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yup.

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huh hhahah whats up little dude? toot toot tooottle toot toot i am cracking up.

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amazing. what’s the name of my reality show? winner of best title gets to be in it or something whatever. a prize. money. no, gets to have five minutes of uninterrupted eye contact with yours truly.

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i love the cosmetics department at the bay this brings me right back.

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dlk pretty damn cool initials. i can’t control my fingers anymore guys.

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busted at boom with waffles! samples. waffles samples. boy that’s sure fun to say.

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i saved a baby here. one fell (haha “one fell”?) i caught it and everyone around me fell in love with how maternal i am. you gotta anticipate that shit. i picked him up and squeezed him and cooed mom shit in his face. it was pretty gay of me i’ll admit but it was instinctual. i lifted him up and put him in his mom’s arms and said in fake skeletor from the bowels of hell voice into his ear YOU’RE MINE NOW!

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kay. this is an example of brunch bait.

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that’s about all i have to say about that for now.

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i had the nicoise salad sans olives. i recently learned that olives are fattening.

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we were gonna go to that one place on bloor near yorkville but i said it was like a dirty boom so we went to our lover, boom. april said it would feel like cheating so true. loved sitting at the bar.

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i’m a mad scientist.

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i love you muffy!

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heimlich maneuver demonstration. i saved a dude’s life once doing this. i did.

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blahahahahaa ok bye now happy strung out sunday from one skidrat to another.

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i feel really messed up about japan. i don’t know what to say. i can only hope to be aid in the form of distraction for those worrying about loved ones right now, did that come out right? here’s hoping everyone gets to their loved ones and survives that catastrophe and horror they’re presently met with and we should look out for each other, and hope for the best for japan and us all. WOW psa!

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i’d get this for britt. her birthday is before mine. phewf.

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perfect. who makes this stuff? hilarious why not? one day a stoner goes man, i’m just gonna, write about something i really feel strongly about and stamp it smartly into porcelain yeah, just a statement you know. i could do that? i’m doin’ it. yeah. doing it. can’t stop me.

errr yeah.

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see what this store does to me. i ONLY go in it when intending to get a present otherwise man, i’d be penniless. i can’t fight it. they have exquisite things, $300 paperweights, grand sturdy classic pieces, clocks lights. dream boutique. everything’s on sale right now too. SB on queen street google it. the plate i have is of the mommy barba papa i think she has a bun head. not featured here.

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i bought these. i know i know! the ones on the right were the last set. i think mom would like them. i gave the teddy bears to the teacher for his lessons markings. how perverse.

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i think i need to have a daughter.

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modern stylish sleek euro family and these beautiful blond children in a row it was heart melting.

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chubby checkers face that hair does a number. please grow.

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dopey outfit esquire. don’t care i’m so over-abundance of endearing and a bit of don’t give a fuck so, also, my blog post where i said he should pay and i’m old fashioned got my party dime on his. boo-YAH-ka-shu! next time you can meet me at the ritz. haha.

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spring is in the air.

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ready for your second lesson now about online dating?

this is a speed-reader way to gun through a high volume of profiles, by skimming them. when they have words laid out in point form, some underlined, you can sneak in whole sentences there to impress. i have a medium-length list. could be scaled back but cos my about me is succint it balances out. in no particular order of importance here are my interests, all things pertaining to blond punky brewster, remember to cover all your bases. now pay attention please, class is now in session:

(today’s themesong. incredible. 52 seconds in it gets BETTER than how it starts.

fitness – aka no fatties, this means you and me both. just in saying i like fitness it has the same effect dumpiesh girls get from wearing lululemon people instantly associate you with health, kind of mind warps them into thinking you’re five pounds lighter cos they think you actually work out. now, i’m not one for lying so, it’s up to you. i DO hear many stories from men about women showing up chunkier. it’s your funeral, kay?

culture – smart people, typically well-traveled, into the leisure, self-indulgent. speaks volumes. loaded word to include.

blogging – i am ready to throw down. this makes or breaks a man’s chance with me. someone could say i don’t date cops or something absurd. i get in lots of fights on pof cos of this, they start it. i have received the most retarded accusatory psychotic, shit you name it. exhausting. blogging. it’s wha i do. done.

cynicism – this word got me laid. it’s a fancy way of saying i’m a fucking asshole.

sparkly things – princess butter tart muffin face cutie patootie voodoo. guys get to go back in time to the girl they adored in kindergarden i take them down that rabbit hole, myself too. you get to play house forever. i’ll bring the tea cups.

regressing into a six year old – haha see?

hello kitty – i discovered her cartoon when i was young, already itself dated i was very truly young and it felt like a little world was speaking to me i thought it was grotesque to love something so much to develop an interest and intrigue about something, this was when my brain was developing i’m drawing back to that to self-preserve i guess basically.

practicing my smile in the mirror – yuppie bait and hipster instigator. hipsters are hypocrites fyi. so-called hipsters when i disarm them i think haha i got your number dude, when i take them down. i am actually constantly surprised myself. hipsters don’t practice mirror smiling, maybe ironically.

wine – self explanatory

boot camp – jock bait

scary movies – an insight into my cognitive interests, gives them a chance to be creative with me in a message and suggest something wacky, zany, maybe we have a common fondness and if not then they know i like it dark.

the drive in – great date idea. makes me look dreamy. can be thrifty too. romantic.

summer – more dreamy manipulation

walking in forests – now i’m just stroking him softly. try to find a photo of yourself in a forest. also, sporty, active. more jock bait and nature nerds, some granola hipsters too, dudes with dogs, kids whatever.

drives – does he have wheels? this is when you get into the dowry department of what both parties have to offer. i do not have a car but i give good road head. always keep the league’s overall feng shui in check but don’t come off as defensive as i do. so say i like a guy i’ll at some point bring him to the sound academy or one of my restaurants maybe. that pays off for a month to three. especially if it’s a band he likes.

wards island – HIPSTER MELTDOWN EXPLOSION TRAP hahaha toronto island is totally a weapon. i describe what the entire thing would look like and if i get desperate i mention that new beach near the corus building if i have limited time for my date audition and he needs to see me in a bikini well that place will suffice. what am i thinking i live by a beach right here. anyway we’ll see how this summer goes with my new physique.

muses – open for him to trip and fall head over heels for me in to. i need one, honestly, then he will make an attempt to impress you to see him as your muse, insta-a-game-bringin’-trap. then you get to hear all his best first date stories.

wes anderson – don’t forget you’re the catch here and it’s your shit on display so floss it girl, peacock strut. i lawve mah mawfuckah wes anderson and if you wanna get with me then you have to be down with every bit of pop culture i devour rinse and repeat cos i make so many references in my jokes and day to day living. i am a legit product of the televised twenty first century machine. i also got to stare at wes anderson and jason schwartzman after the screening of darjeeling limited at cumberland oh man am i EVER cooler than you! everybody! good luck!

zeppelin – one nerd was like planes or band? i didnt reply. be careful, zep fans are often nerds and like lord of the rings not in the way i do. i get to like it cos im a hot girl and it makes me hotter cos i get to flex my mystical side and penchant for the shire. we can’t all be wizards though ok nerds so be very fucking careful here i’m gandalf’s white horse you will neeeeeever ride if you don’t quit it with the mouth breathing. i should have been a dominatrix right? never too late. i would GLADLY step on someone’s face. side warning: zep fans can also be burn outs who think they’re still going to be rockstars but are actually just alcoholics jamming in basements and garages in the spring. choose wisely who you dance to kashmir with.

drunkaoke – lush bait. two more years if i’m not hooked up normal person styles i’m going deep cover stepford wife persona oh yeah that chapter is closing i have two more years to thirty. oh my god i think i just gave myself a panic attack.

burlesque -dita von tease them. remember your inner-harlot. you are a vibrant female with power. men want one thing only, you do not have to give it up but you can have fun making them chase it down and maybe you actually dig this sly guy right? whatever shit comes to mind when you see the word burlesque that man will be applying it to you. bingo bango bongo. get your tassles ready.

keeping my enemies close – shows strong dominant alluring mischievous personality, not to be fucked with. this is what i meant earlier when i spoke about not saying things like DON’T WANT NO DRAMA or NO PLAYERS (guilty of that) ok just let them know you could be a bulldog and snap if pushed in lieu of showing signs of weakness in the form of have been fucked around with before. do not show your hand prematurely.

kissing tag – i am a make out slut and will make out if provoked.

lord of the rings – wife material

seinfeld – can get on with geezers. quirky sense of humour. seinfeld is dude guilty pleasure soap opera staple.

hockey games – jock bait.

fine dining – now i ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger. ok here is how i operate. i’m generous. take me out a few times and i’ll take out out a few times. then i’ll buy you something or i dunno. i always make it worth your while.

class dismissed.

my broski and i.

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hi there welcome to my yesterday afternoon adventures, ready now?

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yesterday’s look was all about warmth and functionality, slop it all together into a stylish little get-up.

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like a rainbow goth chav. passed elisha cuthbert brunette by bellwoods and her and her friends both turned around to look back at me. i have the hair she used to have. i know her walk man. so was her. she was being dragged by a dog. she’s so pretty. we have the same shaped face.

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then i floated over to sb for a birthday gift for tarek. no it’s not a butt plug i never even thought of that in a room full of gays, cattiest most hilariousest people. i blushed actually when one screamed it out. me? i know. i was practicing being demure for three seconds. nailed it. this is actually a bottle opener, the bottom has an inserted bottle opener thing. amazing. classy. porcelain. handsome on a counter. i win. i made him open it first because i am that girl.

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hmm.

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one who was faking it probably and no i didn’t like him.

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hahahahahah and all the pages were kept blank forever.

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i was kind of like an easter surprise.

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i told the owner my dad has a shelf of all the things i buy for him from here and he loooved that story. i said he has the waving solar queen, tin tin car, kitschy tea bags. he’s like, did he use one i was like, oh no, no no no those are show tea bags now. hahahha.

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that’s a blog post for another day.

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has anyone ever said to you before i have to see you.

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my feet just took me here i wanted something delicious and not of the same crap my side of the parkdale tracks, i debated the drake but that’s like revisiting the scene of many crimes. i didn’t have books on me to pretend to be reading i dunno, just felt like strutting for a little and figured i’d eat a caprese salad and carpaccio, no carbs, treat myself and begin my psycho restricting once and for all.

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did i want to neurotically dine alone, sure why not. i figured i could finagle someone easily, a girl, i rifled through my mental rolodex looked at my phone as i sat down and there were several messages. i’ve been on a bit of a tear, but, anyway, his was there first and so i said i’m doing aloner at terroni come join me i look beautiful.

what time? i have to see you.

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now im here now

give me a half hour beautiful

i look like wop fitness royalty

good you can tickle my gina kink

i’m more roma right now or tuscany not sauga skank

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the hive something? i arrive and tell april i’m going to date rape her. i made five friends instantly off that one. dressed like a lesbian lumberjack i said to my colleague watch and learn capitain ahaha.

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i should be getting ready for my audition. well i am in the way of not thinking about it at all lest i FREAK THE FUCK OUT.

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i called april liza minelli fifteen hundred times.

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tarek’s cake said 40ish. oh he is the best so funny sosso YAH wanna lift him up and throw him into a fucking tree makes me insane great guy.

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what i wrote on his card was a bunch of nonsensical blathering. no just kidding.

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fabulous.

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hahahha yes!

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there’s our girl. chick beside me is like i need a man i’m like girl stop hanging with gay guys maybe on church street, hmm i dunno, mystery.

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i like being surrounded by other obnoxious people i was in heaven.

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apparently he dissed my hello kitty then everyone got him hello kitty crap. schooled!

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hi anita! i lost ten dollars when i was talking to her at the bar i think i slipped it into a pocket i thought i had on my shirt. also, i said on twitter the other day to this girl named anita sharma that thanks to her name ineeda shawarma. no laughs. zero retweets. you guys just don’t know humour not even if you fell down the knock knock joke tree hitting every branch in the face on the way down. i told april i was going to call this place and ask if they found my ten dollars. she laughed for a solid minute.

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this took a gazillion years to get him to get the concept of what we wanted him to do. i go, is that lady gaga. everyone hissed. then my protege butch across the room said IS THAT LADY GAGA! a second later when she came into the room seeing tarek holding both books. ahahahhaha i snort cackled. then 4 hipster gays came in a choo choo train formation, no one listening or talking to me at this point (at ALL points of the night) except one, sitting in a leather tiny chair way tucked in to the table, i was sitting raised above on a bar stool so from that vantage point he appeared to be just a little laughing at my joke torso cos i go uh did anyone hear that super embarrassing baby voice choo choo train thing i said he’s nodding laughing in-tandem yes i heard it. well good it’s true they DO look like a train and you are the caboose.

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i am a child. regression. pink barba papa needed it. this is a representation of what is going on in my brain at mach ten speed 24/7.

wish me luck assholes!

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time for some good old-fashioned relatively serious to mildly (offensive) tongue-in-cheek dating advice tips. enough of this hogwash other people try to sell you, they’re idiots. they know nothing and like the sound of their own writing voice and have been ripping me off long enough. you can’t rip me off cos i’m already ripping off something else i forget from a long time ago, who really knows when i started writing the way i do and how or which way is up anymore. people ask for advice from me because i 1. tells it likes i sees it and 2. i make fun of them at the same time which adds or takes the sting out from the harsh truth of their repetitious dating failure fuck ups. you gotta take it outside your group of friends sometimes and get aunt raymi on the case. ok did i big myself up enough yet?

ok where to begin? the online correspondence leading up to said date is pretty important to discuss. actually no, fuck that we have to start at your profile because that is where you blow it big time. i am on my FOURTH profile now never you mind why and it’s staying up until i find the one that’s it i don’t care how or where i meet him. i have figured out now finally what to not say. hey man, no one likes baggage right, or, liars. let them figure out many months down the road (if you get that far) that you are awash with emotional instabilities alright, not right off the bat, make them fall in love with you first. that is not a good look on anybody. play it cool. so write your profile then go over it and remove EVERYTHING that has red flags in it. here’s what mine is, we can analyze it together after, line by line. i kept it short this time around.

About Me

hi there internet dating world.

my about me section has been tampered with twice now (i have to remove this part, i look like an idiot here, and paranoid. tampered with? who, the CIA did it? hahahha), no idea why. but here it is straight (i should have just started with here it is straight, i will fix that):

i am not on here to waste my life one to two weeks at a time with you playboy types. that’s great, we’re all babetastic animals with sh*t to prove and secrets to hide but at the end of all that i am searching for more meaning. you must be willing to put up with all of my bullsh*t and accept that i do not intend to change ever, or compromise. haha no just kidding. i do enjoy a bit of a bossy type just know that it will always be a challenge with me, i say stupid things constantly, i somehow made it this far in life successfully and self-sufficiently i’m like tom hanks in BIG. how did i do it? good looks, wit, humour and knowing that ***holes finish first.

this originally was longer, i took out the part where i sad no that’s YOU actually then i went on a rant about anal-retentive people. i am actually full on erect for anal-retentive people so why the hell i lambast them on my dating profile when i am trying to attract them? see? stupid. don’t do that.

my entire blurb has humour to it, shows i am feisty with a bit of an edge. i’m coming off like a man but then i let you know i like to be controlled. i am fucking with you. this paired with my cute photos, guys don’t even care.

First Date

something amazing. no pressure though (tons).

this is your last final impression chance. no one takes this at all seriously, well some do. do not ever go on a coffee date. do not mention coffee. do you want to sit sober in the day looking at someone in an anorak at starbucks? no you do fucking not. i won’t even drink coffee with my own friends in the day. it is a total red flag if someone mentions a coffee date but if that’s for you then that’s a sign you are both not taking it seriously.

i am old fashioned. dates should take place in a restaurant or bar, early evening and he should pay. you only go dutch or pony up if you have something to prove or you plan to bone this poor slob because you have needs and now he is YOUR bitch, your prostitute. hahaha.

make sure you find out where he lives in proximity to where you meet and where you live to calculate drink for drink how much more attractive he gets and if you want to go to his or yours. usually by the second drink i know whether i want to see him with his clothes off or not. i am never impressed or attracted to who i meet off the internet right off the bat, i nervously shyly awkwardly look all around us and fake it until he makes me like him or i loosen up. i get gun shy. instantly seize up when i get there. later on i ask what their first impression of me is because i need to be validated every half hour. they always say the right thing i also do mind voodoo and blaze vanna whites at em to ensure they turn to mush asap even if i don’t like them.

then we talk. i’m out of the gates with the pissing contest first.

do NOT do this. this is why you are single. you career women beasts. us. men want to be men so let them be men. show that you have it but not all the cards because by the third drink it all tumbles out like I AM THE KING OF THE CITY I INVENTED IT ALL I DO NOT NEED YOU even though you just finally worked up the courage to mention whatever great thing it is you are proud of that you did you look like a bragging asshole. i told my date last night that i didn’t like him right after i told him i was smarter than him. he’s a teacher. it pissed him off so he got feisty and i was too spastic and exhausted to waste my energy on arguing so i went immature and pulled his pigtails by saying I DON’T LIKE YOU AT ALL (which made him really like me. seriously it did. reverse psychology works i’m like officially a wizard now). then i went on about how i was smarter than him and how technical smarts and book smarts didn’t matter what matters is beauty smarts. anyway in all that baloney i actually did realize i hated him because i saw what being with him for five years being corrected would be like. i also kind of dug it too. i manipulated him into thinking i actually was smarter than him momentarily several times. i know lots of guys want really brainy chicks because they love to argue constantly. men need challenges and bullshit and drama to survive. this is where women come in.

i think my ability to inspire self doubt in people is one of my greatest strengths and powers, yeah totally, and it’s attractive. some people want you to tell them to go fuck themselves on a regular basis. hey, NO PROBLEM!

last night i learned about the crazy/beautiful axis. i’ll draw a graph or just picture one yourself. the hotter you get the crazier you are or can be, yes?

so like the more confident i get from becoming more fit, the more obnoxious i am, the more they call me a trainwreck, the more crazy i appear and i try to snuff that out with dazzle camouflage by way of beauty adorning myself in the crap that i do and i get defensive, more crazy, the cycle continues.

so last night’s date for example, i ate chicken wings, i was late, he said i was like clementine in eternal sunshine who has a balance of crazy beautiful that she hovers between. endearing i was hunched over mawing down on chicken wings like i didn’t care (guess what i didn’t) i hate her hair. i have been compared to her before. i see it yeah yeah ok so, people, everything one says on a date is 1. intentional and 2. revealing so these tidbits of information you can choose to exploit for your own personal gain or not. me, i choose this adventure. so he wants an endearing little naive retard arty girl, and off we go. then i ate again (small salad)(i starved all day). he went out for a smoke, when he came back i said did you text a friend about me? he said he actually did. i inserted myself into his world, the discussion about me, concerning his time with me. this is manipulative. so then it comes out that we are making fun of me. i am now manipulating the friend from afar too. he texts her, “she’s eating again.”

fine, i invite my gay bestie stew over from parts and labour and say if i was a boy and gay i’d be stew. we are snarky catty and have matching earrings. date was impressed by that. stew and i kind of look identical sometimes that’s a reality in my stew is my identical twin fantasy.

stew orders a burrito we split it. date is diggin’ it because i am eating again. i say go ahead text her.

the blue eyed silver fox’s revealing gift to me was saying he needed to be liked. ding ding ding! i even pointed out to him how he just gave me some power there. always be listening girls, pay close attention. bite your tongue too, let them talk and hang themselves also they will like you more if you shut up. the more you motor mouth the more you will not be seeing him again.

anyway the point of all this is stick with a theme, choose your personality and be it. UNLESS you luck out with a wildcard who loves crazy girls. my crazy/hot readings were all over the chart. i played with my floppy turtleneck a lot.

oh yes this brings me to my next section WHAT TO WEAR?

simple. what is this guy and where are you going?

if dude is a yuppie he wants a trophy a funky one. tone down the accessories. unless he’s beneath your class then you can overdo it. guys love rich pussy. i am like a rockefeller con artist, legit not rich person (but i’m comfortable enough) right i have to dress to impress and assimilate. i’m like a spy. i get to wear all kinds of different garb for different settings but because i am tall and blond and sexy (use that if you have it, use your sexiness, women, always, very powerful thing. we will NEVER be a modern day no sexual harassment in the workplace existing species, while in the dawn of this era, men are still like cavemen, shows like mad men just bring it all back too but anyway) all i have to do to modify a look (say for a meeting, or a blog feature) is change my shoes. pointy means business. mary janes mean i want to add height and draw more attention to my legs. where the hell am i going with this? blah.

yuppie = sexy post work drinks office clothing which is particularly hot for me because i never wear that shit so i instantly get into character when i dress this way. as a teenager, i kid you not, i owned two piece power suits. sets! matching skirts and blazers tall tight black boots like i was a fucking escort. i was taking law and business courses totally intending to be a lawyer but also, dating yuppies. i was way young so i had to dress old. once those clothes were on me and i’d cruise bay, front, the looks, you just copy all the women but be better than them (wow this is turning into a minxing guide) be them but also every slutty character on ally mcbeal (that’s dating when i was actually doing this hahaha) you know the one snake bitch who uses her vagina and her meanness to get ahead. be the villain. not to be a villain but to be this character, the villain will bring you closer to posing as bay street. the funny thing was i paid for my yuppie bait costumes with my blue collar job earnings. everything from le chateau yep yep.

if you are going with a jock, go holly madison from girls next door (classy) but be kendra the tomboy jock. i went on a leafs date and i wore my manipulative pink turtleneck, tight ass grey leggings (so he and everyone could see everything) chucks (that’s where the punk comes in) and sporty tube socks. voila. boner mobscene all around me. sometimes the dude’s a dud but you can still be a prize and have fun a little bit. that outfit got us right down to golds, better seats.

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the guy still tries to get with me and won’t take my silences as an answer. i know this was a successful outfit because all the jocks on fb from my school liked it. setting doesn’t hurt either.

if the guy is a hipster DO NOT WEAR PLAID ON THE FIRST DATE. while hipster dudes want a hipster they want a real subtle sleeper one at first like, wuuuuuh who meee? hip—stuuuuurrr?? where??

i’m going to wrap this up now i don’t know if any of this is actually helpful. ask me questions to steer me in a direction to fix your fuck ups. if not then next i will talk about such topics as how to pretend you aren’t stoned and how to hide yawning (still working on this one), and then how to write an impacting first message to hook them line and sinker. then, your photos. another, pretending to be naive. that’s a boner maker for sure. check and mate. we’ll cap it off with the benefits of dumbing it down.

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+++

hey guess what TMR is doing a deal with TEAMBUY right now for their re-energizer boot camp spring package now you can get an ass like mine. CLICK AND BUY and i’ll see you at the next class. $25 for 4 bootcamps. xoxo oh man you should have seen the move james taught me today with one of the big balls. i was like a carousel. ok enough raunchy talk for today. (it’s never enough!)

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k so where were we then? yesterday i was squirrely. today i am squirrely from being squirrely yesterday. your brain is constantly whirling as a blogger you put your attention and focus in so many different directions daily. ka-blammo.

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the raymi pose. the raymi charlatan. don’t worry, one day we’ll have a nice juicy coffeetable book detailing all this stupid shit organized, thorough, articulate, awe-inspiring and guilty pleasure-ridden.

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wonder how many people look in on my world and hate themselves for it thinking they should be hating me cos i said something to piss them off once (lots) yet they read and read and oh look nipple poking through a shirt ugh barf at her.

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like i said, i bought four shirts. so we had to see them all.

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in a bachelor apartment on the edge of the world of parkdale the very last unit of the last building. i shouldn’t have been there. i also should have been there.

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i woke up there having an anxiety attack. they come on from not enough sleep, stress, my period, or heat. the apartment was swelteringly hot. i lay there doing lamaz class style breathing and used my mental super powers to rid the panic attack away. considered canceling my tmr session. anxiety makes you think you can’t do things. i powered through.

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i had some anxiety today too. all that nudity i do, and am about to be posting more of, it affects you. i wrestle with it in my head, knowing who reads this just, i have to just forget about it. the city thinks i’m insane right? i can’t do anything about that anymore but feed into it.

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that mirror has a greatly positioned smudge. looks like i got spanked around though.

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the D butt is winning. sometimes in the past i posted bubble butt pics of my rear and nay sayers said i ain’t got no ass nice try though. anything to deflect and take away from you, they do it. applaud it you asshole don’t you want to see more of it? lady gaga is bare-assed constantly.

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when she came out about weed “for artistic purposes” or whatever i said SEE mom and my mom goes yeah for her ART ONLY um blahaha and what the crap do you think i am doing over here? cutting out snowflakes? fuckin finger paintins? puh-leaze. go back three years to when i was an exclusive drunk and have a read. little more comatose. buh-oring.

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i had an interesting phone chat today. it was like my ego got a rub n tug.

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and my dreams, a happy ending finish. ahahhahaha. you can see a copy of dear raymi on the left there. best offer can have it. signed.

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i’ve been using this on my hand. i am addicted. i’ve been slathering it everywhere actually. i’m softer than i’ve ever been before this is like, the making of an escort be careful if you use vitmain e it might make you extremely conceited.

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my face? garbage dump in this photo but my hand, total hand model what’s up eh? fantastic. oh that’s right my nails ARE sponsored. dirt off shoulder.

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i just had to get daytime drunk to deal with this pile i’ve been pushing aside on the floor all over my room for 2.5 days now. catch-up stress is something powerful. the want to right everything immediately yet escape from it and get trashed. avoidance. story of muh life.

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how much more darling am i now that i have little diamond earrings? ANSWER ME RIGHT NOW! buy me new ones please i want crazy feathers and all the stuff i have missed out on. i am a girl now.

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a grandma girl. new hot look. grandmas SS11.

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i’m a stud now again. look out lesbians at the beaver and the spill-over ones at gladstone.

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albino iris kurt cobainer.

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this would be amazing if my face wasn’t a big giant jug.

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i just totally rolled my eyes at myself.

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now i just ooh la la’d at myself.

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leah face. past babysitter and aaron’s older sister and then my co-worker at home hardware aka familia.

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no i’m innocent i swear face.

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half price fajita date.

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it’s like they all read my blog somedays.

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*prrink* (nip squeeze pinch sound effect).

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notice how my bag matches my boots. both cherry red. or oxblood? that’s an older h and m bag i unearthed. s madden bag is gargantuan and too security blanky.

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my favourite shitty date bar serveress was on deck last night. love her.

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she likes me too.

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the bread dip omgzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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he was 25. just turned. i asked. he gasped. i had a wiped memory of everything about him. we began talking about november so we finally nailed down meeting.

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being the older woman. hmmm. i saw him melt midway through dinner. uh oh.

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i am a mess five times over i did the back peddle as we walked along queen. i like him though. i say no more.

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i did say the i am not going to lead you on hall of famer though.

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a sign. from above. i said did you notice the pin ups downstairs when you went? he sad no. no? you pass this wall how can you miss an entire wall?

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ok then.

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i had to show my id to get in his building where he lives with students he used to go here. it was icing on the cake tribute to reminding me i am older. my id is expired. i was nervous. it was like road trip the dormitories lobby all the student babysitter nerds i swear and we heard his roommate come in partying next door and i also heard retching and a lot of flushing in the other direction. amazing.

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how fantastic is this view though? so good. so high up. no wonder he hasn’t left.

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and the window overlooknig this you can sit in like a bubble over the huge gotham foggy sky waiting to see the bat signal.

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ok gotta speed this up i’m fading. i tackled my laundry. i have to make coffee.

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it’s nice to be a tourist in your own city.

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look at me. stay away boys. don’t give in.

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nuuuuhhhhh—-oooooooo! i told you i tried i really did.

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ahh y’all fucked now.

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who doth go there?

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do you guys even care anymore?

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a travesty. i had a teeny nibble. i was repulsed. tried to make us sit down in the food court dungeon of eaton’s center. uh no. i was getting gritchy at this point, phone dying, obsessing about laundry mountain and a job to do.

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what’s up cp24 hahah nice nose thanks a lot bangs.

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thanks for the faux rays though babe. raymi ray bans. the product endorsement possibilities oh just so many. a popular soft drizzle emailed yours truly just now. we’ll see what happens. they said i am cutting edge.

mmmhmmm that’s what’s up now!

i love you but i have to leave you.

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any ideas what this post will be about???? such a mystery! these are lost photos from feb 19. i’m more fit since.

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weirdest worst work outfits i put together to date. nice socks. what am i a garden up one leg? yes, i am.

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this re-energizer bootcamp class was so packed.

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i look like a slob. those hurdles are harder to jump cos they’re higher than the orange ones.

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why do i look hungover i’m so not, i was a good girl the night prior.

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holy shit look at me go leader of the pack much. i’m running a revolution. i’m that girl eating bloody flesh on that t-shirt stew has, in the woods, my bikini-clad mob in-tow, guns. fuck yeah.

like so.

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oh fun such a ball and a ham.

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i’m an animal.

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wow ain’t that something.

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i talk to a lot of gym rats on plenty of fish. some of my profile pics are wicked jock bait. i have gone on dates with guys that i am hands down more fit than and stronger than i am constantly sizing myself up to them. luc was like i don’t think i could take the military guy. oh, no shit eh, you don’t say hahahah! james and shannon keep asking about him too i was like oh dude that was so two weeks ago.

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landin’ like a nana.

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way graceful.

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ugh why do i even.

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lately when i start to go spazz when i’m talking and can’t effectively communicate my psychotic ideas i tell people that i was born with a learning disability. NOT ONE PERSON HAS REFUTED THIS! then i get piss shocked face incredulous. whatever.

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now what the fuck am i doing? who do i think i am sometimes right guys? hahaha.

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i’m getting better at that move. sundials? you rotate 4 times clockwise then counter. fun. i love anything that works my triceps.

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ooh my fave. this is my training for the apocalypse station. pull drag drag and then push it like an ox.

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that’s the russian nightmare near me hahah. one day i might train with him. i think he’s afraid of me even though he is basically something right out of mortal kombat hahahha. he thinks i’m a russian mail order bride probably. i think i spy him watching me murder myself on the treadmill like a total f–ing lunatic some mornings for warm-up.

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hahahaheehehehea nice. so tryng to impress jeff here. that chick in the foreground to the right came from the magical world of facebook. social media works for business yo! but you need a virtual salesman like me to push it.

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rah scary raymi. scary raymi army. anyway, here is an example of how funny my life is and how fun. i get to take my diva persona into emails, business emails. here’s an example of a back and forth one from yesterday.

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HEY RAYMI WE HAVE THIS TOTALLY STUPID CONCEPT/PRODUCT INVENTION AND ZERO SOCIAL RECOGNITION OR INTERNET INFLUENCE WE ARE GOING TO GIVE YOU OUR CRAP TO HOCK ON YOUR BLOG THAT YOU SO DON’T WANT AND NO ONE WILL EVEN GO FOR BUT PLEASE DEMO IT FOR FREE THANKS THIS IS(N’T) A HUGE OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU HOCUS POCUS ALAMALOCUS!

me: i don’t promote for free what is your budget?

UM, WHAT ARE YOUR STATS?

me: ten k daily

ZERO RESPONSE.

it’s not that i get as many hits as xiaxue (so don’t) or the like, it’s me, i am the influencer here and look at my alexa ranking. i have put company’s business on the internet map just by linking to them repetitiously. i’ve raised the level of my frenemy’s blogs too so i don’t really link to them anymore. the closer i get to the 10,000 ranked website in canada, the pool of competition thickens exponentially. i have been too kind to too many for too long.

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in short, i busted my ass to get where i am now here, how much is it worth to you to have an advertorial with raymi? it’s worth a lot, it’s more effective to be seen here, my finger is on the pulse. people battle daily for my opinions, responses, whatever why am i even saying all this? i think i am still defensive about this entire blogging racket and i am tired of explaining it to people the same crap over and over again. HEY YOU CAN MAKE MONEY FROM THAT WHOLE NEW-FANGLED INTERNET BLOG BOX THING HOW DO I START ME ONE OF THOSE? ugh.

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i take all my rage out at the motion room. they’re turning me into linda hamilton and i am making the personal trainer rounds right now for variety, it’s fun. but i can’t try my tricks with the new ones so it’s more effective. even when james is screaming at me i am like oh baloney shut your face then laugh like hell into my towel as i am lying in a disgusting pile of my sweat.

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not enough weight on this i need lots because i am a rhinocerous.

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too light and i do a face plant.

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always wear tighter clothing. i am shrinking and learning this and i know i’m in the zone when i start to shrink out of my clothes or for five minutes i look like a lanky praying mantis or jimminy cricket then it’s all downhill from there. yes. downhill from looking like a grasshopper that’s right.

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yummy and weird but my arms, blah gross. they’re much better now.

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shannon you are a twig. go eat some bon bons.

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jumping jacks.

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i like aerobicsy stuff cos i can practice my dance rhythm and i pretend i am a cyborg fitness video background demonstrator dancer. i also like the floppy flop of my ponytail because i now associate with thumper and that’s the direction i am steering my brand. bambi bunny playmate. look, you think I think i’m insane? can you imagine the machinations going on in the head of an ACTUAL chick who takes this stuff legitimately seriously? my word.

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i mean the whole blond bombshell vacant mess hollywood thing.

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it’s what being insane ALL the time is like.

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lying in a hammock staring up at a palm tree will make it worth it.

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flop.

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TMR has been a great anchor for me the past few months. can’t wait to see how the globe and mail edits it altogether. i have to start getting more comfortable on camera and be more natural. yess’m.

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i am good at the wall thing.

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that’s my friend mara! hi! cute french braid too. so cute. the ball thing that girl is doing is fun and easy and great for your abs.

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speed tubing punches.

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that’s the smart face.

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seeing these helps motivate me as i look better than this right now it’s kind of a phewf don’t go backwards thing. helpful in this case. document your progress.

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sometimes i give myself a gold star for cuteness. nailed it.

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some are so great, cute and then weird things in the background all over taking place.

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i am going to get my ass insured one day. how does that work? so weird eh haha.

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i need to get gloves.

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oh god this one’s a challenge. goood luck budd-ay!

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bewbs dewds.

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haha i just thought of something mean and snarky to say to defend myself the next time someone says people only read my blog cos i’m hot or naked i’ll go totally that’s right cos if i looked like you no one would read this thing at all ever. me-ow.

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shaved head guy by the wall worked me out on tuesday, andrew. i did very well.

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no mo effin’ around fo me bikini season is nearing. everything season. i think you need to be ready to be sir nakes-a-lot always. you never ever know.

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crazy plank. so easy to fall over. i tapped casie over for fun haha.

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down she goes.

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oh there’s a face.

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i see tongue.

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saved it.

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me and casie finally meet face to face.

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hey buddy.

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ahhahahahha wicked.

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i was so sweaty i changed. hi shannon! one important thing shannon and i both agree on for fitness is having manicures. hahaha. look at my nails. perfect.

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hottie! from the internet! the internet breeds hot women. fact.

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i heard a certain someone really likes this station during bootcamp.

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people were supposed to do slow lunges on the treadmill but i was a hyper insaniac so i cranked it to 9 and ran like blow darts were after me.

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i’m meeeeeelting.

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this is what we do to the motion room and who wrote that? that’s the sleaziest word you could come up with? C-. may as well have written NERD WAS HERE. by the way all the hotties in the background, various trainers and the like all party on TMR’s facebook page so if you were fat and had a crush, well, that’s where you go.

also, drum roll please, ready for the heavyweight challenge?? you’re gonna f–ing LOVE this one…

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these bros (dan and walter) are going head-to-head, toe-to-toe, belly-to-belly, for a six month weight loss challenge.

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meet dan. he first fell in love with me here. baahahah first comment in that post is anonymous: i have a crush on james. AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAH!

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walter.

oh boy this is going to be super fucking good. i’m going to work out with them one day maybe i will get to yell at them like i yelled at my mom when i made her do supermans. i love challenges.

OK BYE! SEE YOU AT THE BEACH!

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i felt hugely that i was a brainiac at a young age and started feeling ugly cos of so much brainpower, i had coolness obsession and my best frenemy called me a brainer all the time to psyche me out, i even dumbed it down cos of this bitch like lohan in mean girls for se’ers. grimace. so i wanted my looks to be able to compete with my brains and be on par and maybe get me noticed for those first i can stand up in the class and be dominating but that’s not a good look for an ugly woman. i made myself a target constantly necessitating beauty armour. i felt inferior to prettier girls in my class. so i wanted to transform myself into a thing of want once i was done my grunge phase. have you ever seen what i looked like in grade eight? even more beautiful in grade nine and my best at grade ten.

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me at fourteen on the left, mega whore. jailbait indeed. anyway i wanted to be very pretty and i dunno what happened i started reading cosmopolitan i was coming out of being a ginormous hermit slob and had my own mini threesome of boys fan club, like a pre-pbc (parkdale boys club) unit i was the girl friday and i took cues from sluts in our neighbourhood on how to be, girls they had crushes on, devoured all knowledge possible concerning hotness. guys in the naybe were feared to near me way more than they were at highschool thanks to my brother. how-e-ver (how many are shaking reading this right now ahahahah) little did he know, said fellows, while keeping their distance, definitely did the googoo eyes dance with me. i was kind of a terrified neurotic, of our hood, it did have its rough patches as well as coming of age when your parents are kind of like telling you NO all the time and you’re battling pre-pubescent/adolescent depression and other awkward weirdnesses you have to figure out who the hell you want to be and what you are too. i wanted to be an enigma, seen, mysterious, sought after.

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holy crap look at my mug.

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if you will please ignore all the embarrassing shit surrounding the pièce de résistance here, your hero in thigh highs in grade SIX no less. i was dancing here too so i was learning how to be a gazelle and i was legitimately the most awkward fucking thing when i started, i had no idea how to relax i was nervous ALL THE TIME and i was always singled out and picked on until i fucking snapped. it took me TWO YEARS to snap in dance class. yes some elements of that black swan shit are true. lots of perfectionist pressure. i was being picked on by miss amanda (they were ALL called miss amanda) and i said WHY are you ALWAYS singling ME out specifically STOP IT i said in front of everybody we were all lazing around on the floor post stretches. i mean, i went on, invisible vibes to be egged on emanated toward me, i am NOT the worst one in the class and i know you do it because i’m the class clown and i talk a lot and the most but just, stop. i finished because the look on my face said everything. i was about to EXPLODE in the face with tears if she even TRIED to fuck with that statement. i think i also added i don’t come here once a week to be yelled at k thanks. it was true. i was miserable a lot in jazz. A LOT. but i kept at it cos i don’t really quit things. i quit cheerleading though. that’s another story. at least i made the team bitchas! i know drill still.

ps. me in that purple dress and stupid blue jean dress, my ears are pierced only time ever than now. i look like a monkey you saw in dominican republic at an all-inclusive. ooh ohh AHH AHH! (monkey talk). thank god i grew into my ears.

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i don’t know why i am sitting like this but this is me and aaron one of my best friends (my boys club trifecta member, there were three of them, plus me, pay attention). our phone numbers were practically identical by one number difference isn’t that amazing. he had a cardboard box star trek hang out pad in this basement with amazing truck car seats? i have ten billion stories about all our adventures. here’s highlights:

1. playing manhunt with my brother at riverrun park (so dangerous) up in the forested hill part beside the practically vertical hill that the burn outs dumped gasoline all over and burned, anyway, my brother checked me when aaron was IT and gunning for us at the top of the ridiculous path slope hill and i rolled all the way down the hill gaining momentum hitting trees and created a landslide of dirt earth branches leaves ahahahaha and my brother was RIGHT on my ass as i was barreling down i stopped just before being flung right into the fucking river, i landed in the mud instead on all fours including my face ahahhaa. THANKS SHAWN. it was a severely steep and dangerous hill, part of the point and thrill of the chase.

2. got sap all over my ass and body climbing a tree at the park with arron waiting for my brother who was grounded from loitering at falconer plaza and therefore we were his only friends, anyway, i fell out of this tree and hit my head or ass or something. i think my mom canceled shawn’s grounding a few days prematurely because i almost died tagging along with them all over.

3. i got wasted with aaron one of my first times getting wasted. barnes barfed out of his nose when he went in his house ahahhaa and i slept walked and pissed on my dresser. we had a bush party down by the river. my first boyfriend was there too and he was so gassed he drank cried cos i was whining about bullshit. i was grounded for two weeks and they hit the vacuum outside my door first thing in the morning to welcome me into my newfound hell.

this was the beginning of my demise as an innocent girl.

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holy crap all i wanted to do here was talk myself out of nudity guilt by saying i am a victim of my own narcissism and insecurities. my date last night told me to relax a lot, and that i was paranoid. i could not stop vouching for myself, selling myself. it was disgusting. he wasn’t the one so i felt like i had to over-compensate for the both of us. he looks like gavin mcinnes and is a foot freak. we had a good time. i irritated the hell out of him. he liked me though and he said he had never met anyone like me before and i earlier told myself as i was getting ready to leave, oh, i’ve never met anyone like you before as if i were him. i talk to myself in my head i am constantly going because i am a writer, and manic. anyway, sometimes i have moments where i recognize i just might be different than everybody else and therefore maybe i should cut it out. i think i got used to freaks or i surround myself with many degenerates and then when i meet normal people and they look at me in that way i go, oh yeah, i am a fucking rocket. i showed him my hands though and said look how good these look now picture them as my feet so yuo can picture how nice they might look like except i walk on them so they’re kind of mangled, but they’re beautiful. it came out more funny in real life. i have beautiful appendages. i didn’t say that though, i am just saying it now because i wanted you to know.

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ok bath time.