once upon a time in a life i used to live i sat beside this argumentative neurotic endearing bafoon at a wedding reception (he hit on me all damn day but i was engaged and then he insisted to debate sarah palin with me) on ward’s island by the name of spencer rice. you may know him as spenny of kenny vs spenny fame.
i, like you, am a total star fucker in where if you are somebody i want to know you, because i too am somebody. the amount to which i want to know you is inversely proportional to how much i feel you want to know me. if you got raymi’s back then raymi’s got your back all the way too, which is why i am fastidiously speed typing through slow wifi on my precious holiday for this sleazebag old buddy ol pal of mine as his new show SINGLE WHITE SPENNY airs tonight for the very first time at 9.30PM EST and then again at 11.30PM on showcase. i cannot watch it as i am in miami beach with my bloodshot eyeballs lolling around in their sockets nursing a warm can of corona, it, in short, is “the life” one might say. ok where was i with this shill, oh yes, here is an actual review of the show. you have half an hour to get your popcorn and beer together. please let me know how it is and if i want to have anything more to do with this guy, i can’t spill the beans but, yeah, it’s in your best interest to become a liker of all things spenny.
i’ll brb with pics of my shopping loot. i shopped til i literally dropped through my hangover anxiety attacks oh god. earrings, cupcake necklace, 3 bikinis, a dress, shirts shorts nail polish hell ya. also will show photos of the swanky hotel we just checked into, mad ballin’ place i’ll be plugging the crapola out of it as they’ll be hooking lil miss social media number one blogging sweetheart uppppp. they just gave me a comped fridge too and the last two nights we’re moving to a bigger suite with a terrace. oh joyous rapture.
my brains feel like a stomped orange at the moment. classy! we went to the blue martini last night. i practised some burlesque on a riser. dennis rodman was there, we encircled him. more on that later. it’s gross that people can smoke here indoors what is this the nineties? i am collecting stories but have no time to share, hopefully i won’t forget them all. must pack now, we leave for miami. ok bye!
lost 40 bucks last night. angry. went to hard rock cafe casino compound. was fun and funny. you can smoke in there. gross. obviously i made a thousand pissed off remarks about my hair smelling like smoke. we got a stage five clinger right off the bat too. didn’t buy us a drink so we peaced him out.
changed rooms. you always look rich when you exchange your canuck bucks. all those singles adding up like so haha i snuck in a canadian bill didn’t notice til i hit publish. today was a shopping day, no sun, it’s raining now, still balmy and hot and sticky. it’s off season, which to a canadian sounds stupid cos it’s “too hot” out. we do not take heat for granted.
this dude is making a beer pong table. that’s his lazy son in the background, whom said he dug the table yesterday. they were dry. we’ve met a lot of dry personality-free people. so far we like ernesto the best.
she loved my outfit. obviously. one little girl (5 years oldish) in this surf shop saw me coming and went WOOOOOAH. i love when little kids think you’re a movie star cos you look like you jumped out of a fluorescent rainbow of disneyland punk rock. i just influenced that little girl’s entire future wardrobe as she photographed me with her mind. she’ll draw a picture later on after her nap.
i wanted to get these hot pink princess bottoms but i think everyone would make fun of me. this princess shit i do as a joke, and somewhat seriously i dunno, i waffle. perhaps i will be broken down before i leave and get some ridiculous snooki shorts. co-dependent relationship shorts.
i might wear my vintage one piece suit with the red white and blue v neck straps on the fourth of july. it’s wool though. we’ll see. for canada day we’ll have to dress like beavers or something to represent.
getting tax off this was pulling teeth. i would have gotten the bottoms but the guy was a jerk so we pulled down all the bikini tops on the mannequins, which are stacked replete with nipples, grotesque. haha.
looking at all the shitty fashions and weird beach stuff made me appreciate my own style more and all the stuff i overpacked. i do not need to buy any more crap. baby what do you want me to bring you home?
maybe i’ll go for a run in the rain? we might go to hard rock tonight. should i ride a mechanical bull? duh. ok i guess i’ll get drunk now and stare at the pool. no more soy milk in my starbucks coffees, soy milk tastes funny in america. undrinkable.
I’ve been following your blog for a bit out of lurid curiosity, disdainful feminine jealousy, and insatiable voyeurism. Goddamnit, you’re wildly successful.
I am a small, brunette (sometimes pudgy), woman given to fits of rage and antisocial tendencies. I’m from the southeastern U.S. and stifled by a cultural inability to be anything but lovely. It’s terrible. I’m naturally a charming monster– a siren and a witch. I think you have made that dichotomy palatable to a lot of people through your blog. Women are bitches and unicorns and things you can’t imagine living with, or living without.
Raymi, after much deliberation, I think you’re tops. Get rich. Get famous. It’s only what we all wish we could do. You shouldn’t have to apologize for being better (on paper) than most of us. But I do have to say, your writing, and sense of humor, and personality, really are more valuable currency than your beauty (which is quite apparent). Maybe you could devote a post now and then to how you developed those skills– just so the regular girls don’t lose hope. Keep writing. Keep being honest. I’ll keep recommending your blog to my lady friends. Thanks for being a conundrum.
ahhhh you made my morning! more than this hotel coffee, which i think is wreaknig havoc on my innards mexican water style (hopefully). how long have you been reading?
(first part of my response redacted for privacy’s sake) im related to kerouac and am bipolar, my dad’s side of the family is pretty scholarly (british) and i have a strong streak of that from them. i’m just a lucky asshole i think. you’ve given me much to think about. thanks alice. i talk a bit about my writing craft/gift in my book that one day i will publish when i’m done being a loser.
don’t hesitate to write again, you broke the nice ice. wicked.
this trip was months in the making, planning and weeks in the dreaming of. all my friends going on mini jaunts here and there before me and i am like HI i am going away too i swear. it’s hard to look forward to a trip when it’s not for months but eventually it comes and you can’t believe it. i need more vacations is what i’ve learned. very worth it. we move rooms today and these slobs stole our poolside spot. pool war. no we’re going for a beach cruise to even out our tans. xo raymbo
i downloaded my shit off mystery camera so here i am the night of the seafoody event. why my one eyeball is trying to reveal my secret sailor moon stature in this snap i do not know.
i left this suit at home cos there’s splotches all over it like dye or something and it looks dirty. i plan to buy another bikini here. my green monster one i am alredy bored of plus i think it makes me an 8 when clearly i am a 9, sometimes more.
teacher probably took care of that mirror smudge for princess by now. would not let me clean so as to soak up all the raymbo time before i skidapped outta town.
kay you get the point. the view from this window perch i am typing from is just gorgeous, perfect for spying and judging. i love palm trees. they make me less bitchy.
rental guy was a dick. i went EXCUSE ME CAN YOU HELP US!? he’s like i have another customer (SO DIDN’T!) and i go yeah, so are we. i singlehandedly crammed all our stuff into the car and you’re not to put luggage in the trunk to wreck the convertible roof top thing taking up ALL the room in there. we have to go back to the airport to deal with the insurance. seriously.
these are the same flowers on our roof deck. we haven’t checked in yet. we rented a convertible. we are in ft lauderdale for a couple nights then we go to miami beach and we are staying at a ballin’ place. will be here for the fourth of july. haven’t had a night’s rest yet. our flight was at 2am. cold flight. got here early, our room isn’t ready yet so we are shanty towning it in this little hidden gem of an estate resort we already have a friend bird that won’t go away and a cat that looks retarded and is a grifter. lizards, ya hi to you too.
the bottoms of these are already loose saggy underwear bottoms on me. your hero is shrinking. thank god for the motion room i am basically the mobile bellboy with these two chicks. my mom is so lazy i am training her to do things for herself like, oh your suitcase is in the trunk still? no i don’t want to get it no thank you that’s alright, no thank you. i stuffed our shit in the trunk and sat with three huge suitcases in the back seat with hot salty sea air blasting at my neck and zero per cent sleep brain and felt like heaven.
so far zero hipsters and my bathing suit is confusing people we were passed out like weekend at bernie’s and woke up to tables of people eating special k and bagels staring at us hahaha oh good morning folks we’re your new neighbours.
i should try out for game shows. i’m so much better when i don’t talk.
Kris is an amazing director. so calming he talks in this way that immediately makes you relaxed thank god for that. it’s kind of hypnotizing and confusing and before you know it all your clothes are off and that’s a wrap hahah.
I’m talking to leslie here she’s like whaaaat? all stars get blasted for sex scenes where’s the whiskey. i could have gone sobes but then my foot started speed tapping my flip flop and wouldn’t stop hahaha.
The actress arrives. actress slash personal wardrobe stylist, are we good here people?
It was a choice between yuppie shirt only or blazer and bra, or all three. i had to speed change backwards after the scene, and in the scene. the bra is majorly puffed up and the shirt is v tiny on my frame. gerson and i had to jam it in my skirt as fast as could be, most times i wouldn’t bother buttoning, just let the blazer give the appearance of all being put together. in real life a chick on her way out might take better care, but this is make believe right?
I didn’t want sweat on my shirt and felt it necessary to get into character as quickly as could be, become more comfortable, do it hef styles.
Melodie’s robe. that’s it getting my own.
This is when i became wicked nervous. i pretty much maintained a buzz all day yesterday to keep it cool, plus it was suicidal saturday (anything goes day). a shot of vodka would eventually make its way over.
This was shot in the chocolate factory lofts. right around the corner from the security desk. i think he heard me. i think the entire building did. god. i am theatrical.
So I was playing a rich chick. i couldn’t find ONE necklace of mine. not my hello kitty nor my simple silver one from teacher. boo.
Good thing they have the ladder on the turf at the motion room, i was ready for this and cos of that i didn’t wear heels in the scene, i was willing to try but they might have gotten tangled up in the sheets. we had enough trouble maneuvering our legs and arms and doing it gracefully.
It’s also funny to be nervous about doing something i was born to do, and do well. like fake typing on camera, you tap at the keys like a typewriter when merely seconds prior you were expertly clacking away angela lansbury murder she wrote styles. i was going over the past year in my head of being singlish, sloppy one night stands, mini two week refaketionships (i just made that up hahha) and all the ploughing, why am i a baller for that but have the gall to be shy about it for screen? professional minx.
That’s gerson in the blue, awesome. taylor on the right is my hired john. i am too busy to get a dude so i pay for bangs, sure makes sense. we were joking around like crazy to get the heebie jeebies out. worked.
It’s hard to fake sexiness if you wait til the last minute to embody it so carry it with you always ladies. i knew i had to break down a few people in the room first before i could become comfortable, nervous nerd boners maybe hahah.
That’s me doing fitness, glamour fitness. i think we should do a high fashion fitness video cos we all know what aerobics gear looks like and yeah yeah snore i look good in it. we need some next level gimmickry, super delicate expensive chiffon or something that falls apart and disintegrates from doing push ups and sweating profusely all over it.
last minute globbing. i ruined two nails. i never NEVER go anywhere without finishing my nails. if i have one that is damaged i’ll make time to do it, knowing i’d be sitting in makeup i threw it in my purse. late as usual.
that’s gewel, giuliana (everyone on set has weird names/spellings of haha)(there’s emer too, i know right? she’s the cutie in the grey/striped shirt). she’s great, super chill. everyone involved were dreams, hearing them chatter when i was too nervous to speak they made me laugh. my makeup lady was nurturing haha wow i sound like a total baby. i dunno. how nervous would you be?
I was proud of my work. i remember when i thought it acceptable to have gross nails, chipped polish a la c. love, riot grrl, unfem. so stupid. now that i look and dress like a cougar i see rich old dudes rubbernecking me like crazy bananas. i have wasted my life. hahahaa.
on my way out to set i took my american cash out of my wallet, stupid. would have been perfect. looks like we’re canadians in this film now. doh.
the script. i don’t speak. i provide audio of another kind. someone picked up a phonecall they should not have at an integral moment when action was underway. your funeral buddy.
arsenal.
slainte!
before the last take i started to feel queasy. i had a cupcake anyway and commenced doing burpees to make my abs ripple more. work through the pain.
your turn. going to walk the dog now and will BRB with transfering the rest of the dirties over into html so you can see these images. Guess what! Blogging is ACTUAL WORK who knew?????
prepare for battle. maybe not all of us will make it out alive.
I NEED A NEW BLACKBERRY!
cake face. we didn’t do under my eyes. she said it makes you look tireder. WHAT! all my life! globbing that shit on and on and on and on and on! slkjg;ugsd;ubvd;b;!^&$&%^$%&^$8
get my back spots too please thanks.
one day when i have time i am going back to my dermatologist rip off asshole and show him the result of his waste of time work. unless another one comes forth and sponsors it for a blogvertisement. a plastic surgeon too please for my nose and tits.
ta da.
aw back to ally mcbeal. more like, ally mcFEEL.
i like how taylor kept saying (reassuring himself) aloud how his girlfriend was cool with all this. baha. why are you sweating profusely from your head then dude? (there were hot lights hahaha).
gorgeous bathroom eh.
i sent some of these to leslie and she’s like was there a shower scene too!!? haha.
the girls loved the blazer. i told you i was marge and her chanel jacket now.
hahaha.
so i grab my shoes and clutch, pay and run. even though you were crap i am still obliged to pay you.
emer with one more shot. i only had half this time, gave the rest to taylor.
make room.
killing time with the elephant in the room. lots of baby talk going on. ten dudes sitting quietly in the kitchen, would have loved to be a fly on the wall for their sit-in hearing EVERYTHING over the loft wall.
waiting for the scene to end quietly in my walk of shame.
there’s a version with my bra on too, when we had cut, the girls thought it wise to have a non-R-rated option.
had a pony temporarily. hair was getting sweaty and matted. ha.
we are the first scene in the movie.
i am sore as hell today.
burpees. i saw on ET after SNL last night, shia does 150 push ups before his transformers chase scenes. i am turning into a real actress now. i even put bronzer on my abs to make the definition pop. did i say that already? they did that to the twilight guy.
i did ten. and this was after 3 takes already. maybe 4.
and the jump. i bet i will still look fat anyway.
hair is getting rattier. which was supposed to be the way, but i am a priss. i tried to leave sweat on my body to compromise. continuity. bah.
post romp regality.
as they clap, and i curtsy. i told you i have great manners. great pedigree. i’m on my way to a polo match now actually.
gahahahah my hair.
and then apparently i made a speech? i dunno, i was drunk and cum dumb.
my escort wouldn’t even hug me.
charting my dash course. i walked into the corner of the bed right off the bat. f-ing black modern furniture. everyone did it. i now have a great thigh welt for south beach.
maybe i should have gotten a smaller bra.
i’m sorry but look at my arms now. kelly ripa!
i hope i didn’t look like a blob on film lying down there after i flop over.
emer you’re the best. (writer/associate producer). you can check out everyone’s credentials on the with her facebook page or imdb. a real movie! i want to be in more!
