ok when i can get back to where the fuck was i in terms of blogging and photos i will feel a lot more chill. this is like leaving a patient on the table for me, i must operate. then i can relax.

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this is what senora wiener eater looked like bidding teacher adieu. we had shitty food at the firehall, a parking lot hang, then an emo parting. guess which one of us cried.

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it was almost chilly but the sun warmed us and gave me a nice old lady chest tan head start. dopes were looking at me a lot, studiously. am i really that much of a freak compared to everyone else? then i may or may not act a certain way to trigger curiosities, igniting suspicions and opinions.

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post sex scene. i don’t know if i’m to say this or not but no, i did not actually have sex. i don’t think any actresses do. it was not p0rn hahaha. i’m going to write a piece about social media and its role in film/television. do you want to hear it spoken to a room full of horny rich “SEO” whatever types? RAYMI@RAYMITHEMINX.COM hubba hubba.

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i’ve lost 14 pounds since two weeks ago. since this, oh, a good 8. i think i look fat on film, it was a bloaty hangover starvation day. oh well. we had at least 5 takes. i even did my signature leap frog sex position (learned from a magazine like maxim or some shit i dunno) which requires squatting and bouncing, harder still if it’s pretend. you’re on top and well ya.

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raymi the minx’s alter ego is a yuppie. i was this close to going into law. it’s the easiest sluttiest way if you’re hot to ladder climb and make bank if you’re intelligent. i was teacher’s pet in high school law. my notes were meticulous and colour coded plus with all the older than me neighbourhood drop-outs and their collective multiple ages senior than i, was pretty much the smartest pupil. sitting beside my brother’s burn out buddies copying off me and shit trading drugs haha fucking right queen bee. my mock trial? pulitzer worthy. all i did was read a book about who the fuck knows what and whipped up a case a la euthanasia weighing heavily on emotional manipulation. anyway, instead i geniusly decided to put all that energy into the arts. so i could be lazier.

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melodie is going to have to fight this robe off me. i could so take her. maybe we’ll do that for our monthly bar fight at salvador darling ahahahaha. last month i strangled one of our friends and meant it too. she lunged at one of my other friends and i saw red. i have a two year plan by the way before i turn 30 and it’s: go fucking insane. i told a kid at the airport i would stuff him into that last piece of cruddy luggage when he said my mom needed to relax and bring it down a notch. a big lesbo who worked with him laughed hysterically and said that’s a gurl afta my own heart. the wiener had hit on me to and fro flying to ft. lauderdale. i made him fall in love over discussing ghostface killah til my fucking girls got back to me do NOT hit on me when it is your job to get my mom’s luggage when my eyes are burning hot from no sleep and drinking all day long. i ran out into the lot to look at everyone’s luggage to see if someone thiefed hers. hope she gets it back.

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soo nervous here. i asked for wine. no wine. they brought vodka shots. then had another half. felt queasy near the end how i used to feel after drinking too much at the central while working. oh man i can write a book about my job there. damnit i will. clem will love it. when i started working there one of his uptight nerd friends cautioned him of me and my blog big mouth ways. pfft. clem is a rich lawyer genius and owns multiple properties and knows business inside and out, single handedly saved that restaurant/bar. anyway he said raymi if you don’t make waves and if people aren’t talking about you then you’re not doing it right. clem lets get fucked up this weekend! jenny beth is back in town. shit show continueth.

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there’s my moms as we landed in niagara. we flew a ghetto airline called spirit. the seats were disgusting but it was cheap and fast and over easy. we gambled at the casino first. lost money. karma came back to us though and we saved a lot of dough. our car rental, two days free cos of the amateur hour clusterfuck when we arrived. do NOT mess with no sleep til brooklyn raymi at 6 in the am.

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someone’s been searching for my tits photos. there you are now shut up.

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this was my hunter s thompson perch at Alhambra. dope resort. def going back. hi guys thanks for everything! there’s a cat that visits everyday and a blue jay too. endearing.

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shoe mountain kept growing the more we shopped.

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lois got all sexy’d up for hard rock casino night. another shit show but only cos we were breaking down and needed rest. lost more money. the smoke and that combined made me crabby plus a dude who was stalking us. my mom has the best photos when she gets over luggage depression she will blast us with 2000 worth. i took a photo break mostly. it was nice.

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if you stay at alahambra be sure to eat at the place on the corner beside it. delicious food and close dining patio quarters with spectacular view and two bars. we watched a search and rescue with helicopter and search lights as the sun went down and i stared at a hot dad trying to reprimand his teenage bitchy daughters beneath the table texting. my parents are lucky we didn’t grow up in the digital age they had it hard enough with my secret basement nerd blogging quite literally troll style hahaha. man those were the days when my tongue could out-slay the smaller number of haterz.

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i lost my entire appetite which is why i’m a twig now. secret? no weed. clear as a whistle. bonus? now i’m a drunk again haha. in my headier drinking blog days i now know why i was able to psycho blog, you quickly lose the ability to care what they say on hangover fumes and say what you really think. this is about me, it’s not my fault multiples of thousands daily want to know about it.

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hard rock compound where i anger gambled and the clinger found us. sometimes you just make the mistake of smiling at the wrong guy. too genial. anywhoo he was nice but unwanted, i gave my card to disengage. americans will tail you, canadians are cooler, more isolating. i like both but not when i have massive tits and am on a girl holiday.

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we need a hard rock casino wonderland it was like vegas. i highly recco checking it out. brb business call. ok i’m back wooh great news pumped! insert dollar signs. also in other news i’ll be walking away with a new touchpad tonight from a party and i’m going miami beach styles maybe i should call casie to see what she’s wearing. i’ll tweet it instead almost as fast as texting.

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my camera sucks. hopefully my next campaign will get me a new one. plus laptop. plus condo. plus rolex. plus plus. tit job.

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this piece of shit took 20 bucks from me in one minute. ok i have to cut this short, shower time. the story will continue later. i abide by the blog rule of how many people can you make care before 5pm, 9-5 office hours.

omg shit just got realer.

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my hair is a disgusting mess, airplane miami mess. meh. deciding if this song is good for paddy and i’s duet. i have ten spots on guest list for monday night at the grindhouse. we’ll each also be doing a solo performance too. mine will have elements of demonic and sacrilege finery. your crotch may blow out of your trousers. told you i had life by the balls. paddy get a red one piece baywatch suit. we will also need zinc for our noses. our huge humongous noses ahaha ok you can only be on my list if you have a big nose too!

cuckoo bananas hq is coasting on no sleep here and what little marbles i have left are rolling around in my head at mach ten. my blog will suffer (excel) for it. speaking of, how annoying was it that my host went bunk on my last day of vacation. ugh. my mom’s luggage never made it back either. the luck ran out there but loew’s gave us a massive massive deal on our stay pretty much comped fuckin’ everything, even credited us. we were diva supremes this holiday and now with my newly inflated sense of self i will tackle toronto again, back to the monkey race better than ever.

gleaned a quote from the latest vice issue’s employee of the month section that maintaining a consistent online presence is the most gruelling and thankless work ever. ba-leee dat homie! it’s a lot of pressure to keep it irl (in real life, to the geezers) as well as online dominate. like i have to choreograph 2 dances now and then come back here to talk about how awesome i am then go out and do the awesome thing and then well you know. oh there’s the phone.

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it’s that time again. this friday.

more miami shopping from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

tales from miami freak beach from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

ps. a-holes, outfit: major hit. you lose NO! got rubbernecked so much it caused multi-scenes. even women stopped to address/props this outfit, several times too i guess they love the freaks here. plus there’s no hipsters so for future reference bring on the hipster to miami and you will get all the attention you so desire. it made me blush like crazy. a dude with a mega paparazzi camera just so happened to see the shit show what is us roll on into starbucks and offered to take some shots of raymbo and i was coasting on new steve madden wedges high and totally obliged.

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had a lovely dinner downstairs. very chill night. tomorrow we must suicide cram it all in. pre-vacay withdrawal to the max. here’s one more vid. night night.

on hold with concierge from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

not that i’ll listen.

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let the passive aggression roll on in.

joke’s on you, i got your traffic. sucka!

USA USA USAUSAUSAUSUUSUSAYMI!

i’ll be changing later on for firework beach party time.

into my vintage one piece bathing suit. made of wool. and it’s like 37 degrees. #crazy.

happy fourth of july from Raymiami from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

drown on your own time.

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i am actually a trained semi-certified lifeguard believe it or not.

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like if someone was drowning in a river or needed rescue and i sat around doing nothing i could be held responsible for not attempting a save. i didn’t complete my bronze cross cos i was too young and they already skipped and bumped me up illegally enough (broad shoulders, killer swimmer, better than my brother even, bet i could still lap him) and the wait time to turn 14 or 15 was too boring and daunting and then i got a boyfriend and started partying. i could have been babewatch. is the pay even worth it? staring at annoying little kids for hours? snore.

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and i have saved a life before using my training except it was on land in a burger joint ahhaa using the heimlich maneuver on a choking epileptic fat dude. i was the only one who sprang to action this skinny little grade ten chick where is my medal? in a situation like that it doesn’t matter your training, it’s who responds or even has the capacity to react. i hesitated at first but barely, the room froze and this poor man was choking and convulsing and i could not handle inaction. i can still hear the crack of his skull hitting the linoleum and his bulging eyes, his useless colleagues with fries hanging out of their mouths. i’m like this in every avenue in life, if someone’s in distress i’ll throw myself on the fire unlike you wimps. i squatted down on the floor behind him after i barked at his friends to get his thick leather coat off cos there was no way i could fit my arms and make an adequate fist with that thing on (who eats a burger in a leather jacket? this guy is probably long dead by now from a heart attack) so they had this ridiculous tug of war which in hindsight was a bad call but again, i panicked and no one fucking else was doing anything so anyway i was squatting and compressing from behind then he barfed all over me. it was quite a scene. paramedics inevitably arrived and i was pushed aside and forgotten, went back to my table of bros and they’e like you ok ren? then i started adrenaline crying and trembling from the whole ordeal. i like how i made that all about me.

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calling for more tea for mom and a lounger for the roof. the sweet glorious roof.

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aerobics with lois in the pool last night was super fun. we had an audience too. today i will run on the beach and hit the gym.

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ok we get the point. outfit pass.

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i need more high waisted short shorts asap and less of this crap i packed. went shopping again. buzzed shopping. then pizza. i bought matching red bootie shorts for my red lifeguard shirt and one for teacher. sorry for the shitty pointless updates but it’s better than nothing right? fourth of july is tomorrow. stoked.

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slice of heaven.

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lois diva’d us a free night for this penthouse suite. details later.

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some slobs called me “a bit hippy” so i have to chug this vodka cran and go obsess about it by the pool. i ordered a weigh scale for the room my mom and lois are going to roll their eyes, they won’t even allow me to be hurt about it don’t worry an epic essay about fat comments some day soon but meanwhile everyone else is checking me out madbusters it’s so awesome that i fixate on a shitstain bachelor bromance asshole right.

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our new room is capital dope.

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the girls are more critical about shots of themselves and i only blog when alone, i’m a girl’s girl unlike cunts we know so i never throw up pictures they haven’t had a chance to ok so for now on here it’s the raymbo show but i assure you, it’s been the mother f*cking tracey show irl. steve aoki put me on his guest list last night for mansion and i bailed. i am an idiot. supreme. even followed up and asked if i got in ok. so blew it! would have been great for my “career” right? ugh. don’t give up on me yet scenesters! is the scene dead yet though? probably only because i am 4300 years old.

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nothing like sand EVERYWHERE.

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happy pride toronto i am being as gay as possible over here in solidarity. i have spied loads of lezbos with staring at me problems. i’ve been showing off my football throwing abilities too. i can really whale it. ahh finally i have some jerk off privacy so BYE!

KIDDING!

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jet skiing in an hour (it was nice knowing you) and then maybe a run by the water i’m getting exercise withdrawal paranoia.

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don’t be jealous, be happy.