brang

Yo!

How’s it goooooooooing?

Me? Good, bad, ugly. Same old.

When you are the curator of a blog, it’s like running a colouring book. I mean, I spread myself around the webs a lot all day all night and comment all over the place, leaving zingers and slinging mud left right center, time well spent. Sometimes after a bender I’ll go back to jezebel and have all these notifications for all this crazy shit I said and feel super proud of wasting the entire fucking day prior being obnoxious to feminists – it’s called community building and outreach. I have been reading that site for years and years, I don’t really see much difference between the two of us. I mean, doesn’t everybody think they are right all the time on the internet, isn’t that why we are all here?

Anyway, if I had a jezebel site that I could easily just have based on all the online sleuthing I do, mine wouldn’t be wild click grabbing insanity with news slants intended to make a flame war in each comment thread.

I think my big mouth alone causes that organically and naturally to occur. Like when I expressed my feelings on bachelor parties when the hangover came out, boy that was a good one. Check it out all the original comments are there too still.

And I looked like that. I do not feel the same way I felt back then. So much insecurity wrote that blog post and other things I am too nice to mention.

Everyone seems to be killing time on Facebook these days all with their wrong opinions about stuff I know more about it feels close to time to be Perez fucking Hilton.

As smart as I am, I am well-obsessed with really stupid things like celebrities, celebrities with addictions, viral internet things, any of the previous with sex involved, musicians, musician’s beefs with other musicians and of course trying to get the attention of all of the above.

I think I just described everyone else on the planent just now.

When I worked in an office we would hunt through buzzfeed and be like, did you do that mermaid quiz yet? Okay well after that you have to do the which is your favourite pickle quiz and then read the latest update on the missing Malaysian flight plus there’s leaked nudes of blabbity blahh and so on.

Sometimes I get so entrenched in this garbage I lose all energy and won’t produce shit that day. My mind expands though, and I “know” “everything” and like with blogging many years ago, which justified all the partying and reckless behaviour I engaged in I always, always wrote as well as blogged because I felt that it made good with the bad. I preached to my friends that if I was wasting my youth I was going to at least account for and profit by it. SO now, if I insist upon online benders then I have to balance it out and give back.

Who knows, people might actually like it.

I don’t think you can write about yourself forever. Well you can but how many mirror selfies and pondering about the future blog posts, I’m sorry I know that is not interesting period. It’s plateau. It’s the very boring middle part of the movie and you are getting fungry.

Okay well I can give you some juice I suppose and make my next post an internet round-up, hope it isn’t a slow news day.

As you know I was dating a Dutch guy, back and forth for a bit I lived in Holland and he lived here. A lot have expressed interest in knowing how that one tanked.

We just let it die really and never officially broke up but it was clear it was over. A long distance relationship is crazy to inflict upon yourself but that we did. The alone parts are spent drinking. then when you date someone who lives in the same country near your street it’s like being in a porno afterward, so much contact.

The final ending phase chapter though is, as he was going to visit me for my champagne birthday (31 on the 31st, I am special) he and a bro did a pleasure trip to Brazil and drive the Florida Keys (during spring break no less, oh of course you’re gonna chase chicks) and suffice to say the guy was a big traveler I will give him that but when you’re in a long distance relationship your only traveling is suppose to be for the other person. Or that is MY selfish expectation about it!

He alleged that it was a cheap holiday (lied, was more like 4 grand) and was also not going to be in much communication with me. I found out at work on whatsapp and started shaking and crying and trying to keep it together then we had a routine phone conversation in the bathroom where I cried and hissed some more.

I was working 9-5 mon-fri and pining for this fucking guy, being a loner in my room and holding a torch when really I should have just moved on then.

So I decided to go to New Orleans and visit Leslie. By the second night I had driven her crazy because I was trying to get in contact with him he didn’t want to “sponsor” the phone company by checking in with me all the time which made me more irate. My plane ticket was last minute and expensive, my phone bill was like 800 bucks on top of this but it didn’t matter I included the phone bill as part of vacation expenses. Anyway, Leslie and I went out on Bourbon st (ate alligator) had no fun but tried (sorry Leslie!) I mean, we usually drink the first night then she’s over it and I am all wild give me more (despite complete exhaustion) and going bananas getting no Dutch love going crazy thinking about him being the star of that spring breakers movie and then screaming into the phone when we finally made a skype call happen then it cut out for a day.

So then Leslie and I went to a hipster pizza parlor and I saw this smoking hot guy who was totally my type and a bell went off in my head. I need to fuck this guy. I NEED to pick up this guy. This guy cannot leave here without having my number.

I begged Leslie to make it happen for me. I tried out all these pick up lines on her and she just laughed. I settled on waving three times at him (it was a sexy beckoning come on over wave) and he instincively just got up and walked right on over and I legit panicked because I had nothing prepared in my head to say! My mouth suddenly went dry and I said,

don’t I know you, don’t we know each other? You look really familiar…

…which brilliantly worked because he was a local celebrity and assumed everyone recognized him. EVERYONE is famous in New Orleans. Then Leslie saved my ass with some music-scene knowing shit, he gave me a card I think I asked for a card I always ask for a card because I think I’m in the wolf of wall street. Really it’s because I want to email you something ten times more hot than the crap coming out of my mouth IRL.

Sent him this pic taken the day before because he met me with my hair up and this was as hot as I looked at the time. I wanted to get him psyched about me.

So we get to sexting pretty obsessively. He said he was gonna “work out” which means “clean house” he also said “work” which turned into back and forth texting leading up to plans to meet that night why wait til tomorrow. Leslie made an I bet he’ll show you his rope joke. Ahh so hot. At the pizza place he had fallen for my anything to do around here line so we had made it like I was gonna bump into him the next day at some parade (?) but then all our horny correspondence degenerated into lets go to a show and drinks tonight and done.

I had a boyfriend and I did not fucking care because this is what happens when you piss me off long distance and I am pretty sure a don’t ask don’t tell policy was in-place, don’t ask don’t tell but highly suspect.

Also turns out pizza parlor guy was a shag of a friend of Leslie’s so drama was definitely going to go down if I went forward (and it did cos that woman saw us out together the next night) but fuck it, I am a tourist and I am here to taste the town. It was my third time in New Orleans and time to taste local meat. Ew gross sorry for dirty talk hahaa I do have some better material (for another time). I did go back again for Easter and I saw the Dutch guy in-between. Still don’t care. Then around May I joined tinder and that’s how I moved forward and my crush pining for New Orleans guy had to also die. All my friends were like well at least it’s closer than Holland this time Lauren haha fuck you.

This guy is like a Raymi the Minx out there, okay maybe more, some “famous” chef sent us over drinks that’s the kind of guy he was.

These drinks.

Leslie said that’s how you get over guys, you turn the fucking page.

If you want to see all the pictures from that trip click this.

So the next day I was super duper hungover but wanted to see him again, we went to see a band that night. Leslie was like he’s going to know all this music shit and cool stuff and it will all be wasted on you. I mean I did listen to him and he did have that magical quality and knows blues legends and music greats. He’s the reason why I like Sam Cooke so thanks for that.

I went back for a bunny crawl a month later. That was a good weekend. I missed my flight and had to stay another day which was nice but also like okay time to go bro. Waking up so early to get out of town was hell and I almost didn’t get a connecting flight but this flight agent or whatever could see how bug-eyed desperate I was to get out of Chicago she slipped me ahead of a couple which split them up and I felt awful but didn’t chime in and offer my seat why stop being evil now right?

They were a couple with their shit together while I was New Orleans hung, alone and shaking from fatigue. Arran was like you are going to have fun waiting and running through airports I bet your knees will buckle ahh cringe.

Anyway, that’s story time for today. BYE!