my hands have begun their winter-transformation into scaly wrinkly british old lady lizard hands yes! i swear if i didn’t have some french in me i would look like a prune with mascara on already thanks dad for slummin’ it! heh.

update again

i decided that going out in search of a holiday shirt will only stress me out more so i am going to sit here and enjoy my stress in a sweater i have only worn once before, as a lesson that buying things when you feel on-edge is not a solution even though it sounds funny when you write it down, in reality the funny, not so much.

this sweater has a rainbow on it and a hipster(dubious)-looking yellow cloud i want to suck my thumb until new year’s. at least there is oprah. i swear she was invented for the mentally unbalanced, here is something to kill an hour by and feel like you are actually bettering your life. suckers.

we are going to another party tonite, i think my stress/nerves have something to do with it. anticipating the ten millionth nite of debauchery and being “on” for strangers then throw in some minor “celebs” where i continually say something stupid or yeah hi we actually met months ago at such and such event/party/show, they remember me and i never remember them but i have to act like i do. or sometimes they talk up fil for ten minutes and ignore me, you see a tall dude flanked by five bitches, it makes other girls think he is single for some reason or NOT with me, so to deal i either tune it out passive aggressively, get very introverted, or get (most likely) absurdly buzzed and whisper angry comments in fil’s ear. it’s not a jealousy thing even though it comes across that way, and yes i fully admit i am wickedly jealous, what it is i think mostly the first thing, bad nerves, and anxiety in social situations, coupled with bipolar where i feel trapped in being “on” and then feeling obligated to keep track of everything that is happening, mainly fil. now do this 5 nites a week.

i plan to scatter some of my cards around tonite and fil told me i have to be subtle about it, yeah i know thanks manager, way to psyche me out i do that enough as it is already i don’t need any extra help with it.

oprah makes me feel even more depressed than i was to begin with.

i wrote her a letter once when i lived in maine, she did not reply.