B L O G W I Z A R D

Oh I’m not a reality tv star? Pfft. Okay then, I am a blog star so much so that reality tv wants me. How’s that? And if a had a nickel for the THOUSANDS of people who have told me I wasn’t famous I’d like, have all these nickels (Beavis joke). I think tons of people talking shit to you means YOU ARE FAMOUS. Also I have a video of one of the producers asking me what it feels like being a reality tv star as I whiz by on my longboard with the go-pro clipped on to it to get POV and shots of my chins from below plus two other camera guys… so just because I deigned to say something nice about the network that my friend/colleague said doesn’t mean you have to cry about your show getting no blog kudos on my stupid blog, kay? Nice professionalism too “can’t stand me?” look in the mirror woman because it’s yourself who you can’t stand. Money is a trap by the way try-hard do you think anybody honestly cares how much money I have or that it matters.

I bet you would love to cast my mini Raymi niece then too since you work with such intellects as 14 year olds day in and out. She’ll be 14 in September. Time flies, ah ma gad. It’s neat that my brother took the parenthood plunge before me cos I get to see how it all goes down and come out unscathed as “crazy aunt Lauren” now upgraded to “coolest person in the universe aunt Lauren” (with a little bit a-cray I’m sure) after our visit with the girls yesterday and the day before that.

Steve and I took them for gas station snacks (mom and Lois were hungry) then I went to Tim Hortons for muffins and donuts and overheard a guy say this about a girl, “Talk about a hot mess, no, not even hot, more like luke warm mess.” Then repeated it 3 times and I resisted the urge to turn and ask for him to point out who he was talking about.

Then we saw two hot messes in pizza pizza they were holding their donkey heels that all young chicks wear out now like it’s a runway (how kids get off my lawn do I sound right now?) and the girls went 1 2 3 THANK YOU FOR THE PIZZA and our hearts melted. We cruised around for a bit to give them a thrill and accidentally went by MTV and they flipped out. I had to recount my MTV Creeps experience for them too because of how much of a non-reality tv star I am.

My mom has way better pics. I was so beat tired from dinner at Weslodge that my pupils were dilated like so but everyone’s appears to be too in all the pics. I am always tired and hung when mom comes to town, it’s the city and that is life deal with it or move to the prairies (god I can’t wait to live in a remote cottage someday).

I explained the history and lore of Jarvis Street to them. It’s a Raymazon look! Also acceptable photo caption Welcome to the jungle.

Lolo spoiled Hailey too. Good. My mom invented this (one-sided because I truly do not care, I’m her aunt not her sister) competitive wedge between Hailey and I for her own deluded amusement and it’s fun to see them try to wind my gears up and all’s it takes is one little cuddle from me to mom to get Hailey going LOLOLLL don’t mess with aunt Lauren bro! Hailey’s friend was rocking herself in the corner because of all the chaos. My eyes became big in horror at the sight of an outsider looking at my family that way (why am I thinking about running with scissors right now) and was like quick okay lets go down to the car before she wigs out!

Back to school back to school to prove to my dad that I’m not a fool. She goes in to highschool this year, oh man! it’s going to get intense. My bro is pretty chill about it though and Hailey is a good kid, she might be a little too smart I’m not sure about that yet who knows what Raymi trickled down to her (so far tons maybe) cos Robin saw her and my mom by the pier and Hailey was dancing and leaping around and taking pics and whatever and Robin goes that is SO RAYMI.

I have a distinct memory of holding her as a baby in my arms in my bed in my teenage room to relieve whoever had her last and that gentle baby way, she was crying and we had run out of options so I got all of my jewelry boxes and music boxes, wound them up and she became calm and content and we fell asleep. I just burst in to tears I never told anyone that story before. The music box that worked best on her was this pink victorian paper person that danced in a white wooden painted box, a very old fashioned toy my mom tried SO HARD to make me feminine my walls were covered in girly lilac wallpaper I hated and covered in rock posters because I thought it was wussy anyway so I had a lot of girly trinkets and crap and they came in handy that one night I was doing homework lying down in bed and my mom brought Hailey in to me. It takes a small village they say. Or a funny farm in our case. As far as I am concerned Hailey is my family’s greatest accomplishment so far.

She’s pretty quippy and smart and this is exactly when it begins, your parents become amused and entertained by your intellect and funny humour but then it becomes permanent and they hate you until you’re 18, good luck. I’ve seen some wicked moody teens my god. Thankfully Hailey isn’t or won’t be like that, she’s a joy to be around and play with and is in to all the weird zany antics my mom and I do, ring leads it like we’re Moonrise Kingdom

I don’t mind not being the only princess what I do mind is not being a kid anymore or having a model body that that kid is gonna have and I am already psychotically protective world-weary of though everyone else in the fam seems to be chill about except for me so I will drink a glass of relax.

Also, I did not look cool when I was 13/14. I was getting there but it was tough especially up against CrayTray cos she hadn’t got her groove back yet and thus I had to hide all my skanky le chateau swagger but out at the mall sometimes she’d flip a little over how I’d get looked at and of course I walked like a hood rat skit if I could manage it, plus some Ghettovale style too shout out to my home-dawgs baha. I think I am so tough because of Mississauga sorry, I mean “street”. That shit pays off. While Steve, he is Etobicoke-style street. Ahaha. The closer to the airport we get the more rough we may be, I think Brampton has its own hashtag on twitter that is pretty jokes and a cool chick from the ‘saug and I are going to become IRL friends and I bet when we hang my dialect will get all regional with her like in How I met your Mother. That sentence was so sick I have to tweet it. Her name is Anum, I don’t think I’ve had a brown best friend before and she dresses like Mr. Dressup meets MIA aka perfect.

Hot tubs and iphone flash = frenemies. It’s okay it makes it less racy. Phew.

Lifeguard on break.

We really needed that hot tub soak holy toledos it was ever so relaxing and there were other mellow folks sitting around it was a staycation and cos I’m local, the expert who got to talk about themself the whole time hi lady from, where was she from Lois? She was talking about “the Toronto shooting” like it was super interesting I don’t think I’ve ever had an out loud conversation about it before everything I learn about my city comes from the internet and real life and I don’t give in to the news hype. When we turned on City Pulse yesterday they all screamed over an amber alert holy shit relax the world is still moving around you I don’t know what they were slowly expecting to read tickering by the bottom of the page but it really annoyed me at the time that they wouldn’t stop talking all at once about it.

I am bloated therefore I am.

Some other totally City TV-brainwashed bumpkin before asked me about Toronto city crime like it’s a regular occurring big deal happenstance (it is and it isn’t whatever) like I am biking through New Jack City all the time dodging bullets and before I could respond I had to go OH Pshhh pffft at her face to let her know how irritating and stupid she was THEN I launched in to no, wrong, and here’s whys for five minutes. I love my city and am protective of it. I also hate CNN and City TV because of what it does to people. It’s obnoxious and disgusting and (don’t forget Fox) if you are going to watch the television all day long while sitting behind your convenience store desk why not watch something intelligent like discovery or funny like comedy network or international news on BBC or learn about mindf-ing people on big brother okay that is all back to real life, where I live. On the internet.

I enjoy the view of the city from different perspectives. Steve certainly is getting his Toronto Tourist dreams made come true this summer.

The Grand rooftop is a sanctuary. What a gem to discover. It made me excited for Steve and I’s Madonna hotel dinner date night that I won.

Looking at my tumblr the other day I became transfixed by my collage collection of life that I asked colleague to screen grab for me but he didn’t do it in the way I wanted that I had no idea how to articulate by. I wanted a page scroll worth of images just at random, but he has repeating pics in some so as a smart person I don’t know why that concept just wouldn’t be obvious and then we had 4 or 5 funny back and forth exchanges about it that makes me look like a bitch I’m sure and I don’t care some people like being abused so I acquiesce plus I was actually making special care to be nicer this time I wonder if it shows but I swear to god if birdering becomes hipster, colleague, I’m going to die. I just reblogged that photo to try and get Terry Richardson’s attention and stumbled into a Master Birderer joke by mistake I am such a genius sometimes it scares me.

Anyway everybody knows all creative people are insane.

Oh look Kate Middleton is waving to me. Sorry I wore the Smythe blazer first girl (you wore it better though), tea? I wonder how much she secretly wants to bone Harry. #amirightpeople.

Okay more of my Weslodge pics I talk too much.

I’ll be wearing this again tomorrow.

Well I guess I only had a couple more to go there. Which is fine I have to prettify myself anyway it’s Saturday and Steve is off work soon + I am done blowing myself peace!