merkley???: hey hot stuff
me: yes hi hello this is me
merkley???: what are you doing?
me: trying to get up some courage to go downstairs and talk to the super about a package arriving for me tomorrow
im going to put it off until after i bathe
merkley???: is he scary?
me: no they are super nice
you know how it is, daytime recluse
merkley???: i burned my foot with hot oil last week and a giant blister formed and i havent popped it but i know eventually i will have to deal with it
me: this is exciting information
merkley???: because the water is getting less and less
me: i have an ingrown that i have had for like three years and everytime i go to the bathroom i work on it and i get excitement shakes when it might come out and then i fuck it up and have to wait a week for it to grow again
merkley???: so its like i have this half empty miniature water balloon on my foot
me: ok thats gross
so much for having lunch today
merkley???: its so weird how my burn was fairly severe but it never really became painful i know it would hurt if i popped it though
me: what part of SO MUCH FOR LUNCH TODAY do you not understand
anyway back to my ingrown
i fantasize about the day i pull it out and blog about it
i think a picture would be too disgusting
merkley???: what we do is tell each other stories
sell it
me: no way it is too precious it has been a part of me for a long time and i will prolly never be able to get it out
merkley???: maybe you should feed it to a hamster
me: GROSS
thats animal cruelty
merkley???: not if the hamster liked it
me: maybe i will make a necklace out of it for one of your fugly dogs
merkley???: my dogs eat fingernails and toenails they love it when i get out the clippers
me: wow this conversation just isn’t going to get off the disgusting is it
me: tell me about me im tired of you
merkley???: what do you want to know about you and i know you’re just fake tired of me
me: yesterday you talked about you and your book nothing about me you used me to bounce information about yourself off of
merkley???: i did
me: ahah
merkley???: i do that a lot lucky you
me: NO WAY I DONT BELIEVE YOU
merkley???: tell me what you want to know about you and i will tell you you are twice as self obsessed as i am at least twice, maybe ten times
me: no fucking way
merkley???: yup
me: i do not grow an elaborate beard to extend my eccentricities
merkley???: you would if you could
me: i do not wear suits i do not carry a white purse a womans purse
merkley???: you take thousands of self portraits
me: thats cos i have a personal blog
merkley???: you are more self obsessed admit it
me: i am self obsessed because i am narcissistic and insecure
merkley???: well duh
me: i am forced to be self obsessed cos i am not as famous as i want to be yet i am doing all the work
merkley???: you used to be more famous than me but i think i might be edging you out slightly ha ha which is good
me: well if i took picture of naked bitches i would be more famous than you
merkley???: my goal is to get famous enough that when i finally come to toronto and we go out to a bar i get spotted as much as you in your own home town
me: i dont get spotted as much as people think
merkley???: and that will piss you off but also you will think its cool because i will be making you non-stop laugh
me: they think i get spotted tons cos they would spot me if they saw me well if they spot you then they will know who i am by association wow this conversation i cant tell if it is better or worse than the disgusting one we had previously
merkley???: ha
if we hung out would you be competitive in the humor department or would you be a team player?
me: im a team player
merkley???: me too
me: when i am around funny people my humour escalates it inspires me to take the piss more
merkley???: same
me: it’s like magic and it blows my own mind i cannot believe how funny i am
being drunk also helps
merkley???: yup i got on a role last night for about a half an hour non stop genius jokes but i didn’t text them to myself dammit
me: when i am on a roll i am like thank you bipolar!
noel’s new job, second from left.
