andrea inspired this post.

i love science, in grade 6 we had to invent something that actually did something useful and all these morons made elaborate unnecessary inventions to pop balloons for example and i just took a thumbtack and slammed it into the back of part of a wooden baseboard, walked into the room with two garbage bags full of red balloons and popped every single last one and pointed at this one girl and said TAKE THAT MOTHERFUCKER whose invention for popping balloons didn’t work and she always hated on me and competed with me for some reason and i got the best mark in the entire class. oh yeah and we had a whole month to work on it and i just did mine the nite before and the hardest part only was locating a thumbtack from somewhere in my house, my report was very smart-assy too. pfft. one girl was crying and freaking out and hyper-ventilating about the project the week before even.

i got the best marks from presentations, i waved my hands around a lot and cracked jokes and made fun of people and the teacher and people were like YOU ARE A GENIUS and then i would hand my report in and it would be bare-minimum chicken-scratch full of sarcastic condescention and the teacher would be all THUMBS UP and sometimes she would read my paper to the class only to make everyone feel stupid compared to me, i totally dug that shit. we went to ontario place to watch this movie about the rainforest and another one about , i dunno, animals and tribes who cares and i wrote this smarmy report on the rainforest one about no one caring and the destruction and bla bla and she read it and only mine cos everyone else wrote about flowers and how cool the movie was because it was like bird’s eye view type shit like you were flying oh right the other one was about volcanoes, pfft. anyway, i was a deviant asshole cos i knew to score marks was to a) suck up b) write about something no one else is writing about c) make everyone feel guilty

usually the first month of every class i spent being a model and moral student, being polite doing my work, being nice and then being granted special privileges and entering enrichment and spending the last 5 months of the year grossly slacking off to the point where the teacher could do nothing about it because they would not want to be outed on their poor judgement of my “over-achievingness” ways.

putting me in enrichment along with the other smart kids was the biggest mistake ever. you get three smart kids together in the library in grade 7 and in grade 8, unsupervised, do you think they will do any work? our geography project was so terrible, the bristol board drawing of whatever country it was we had was only half colored in, like i started coloring in russia and just like, stopped, so there were long marker strokes of pink across it and the rest was all white. for other countries the color we initially used just ran out, the mark we received was vastly lower than our peers not even in enrichment, ha!

the majority of our time was spent discussing funny movies and comedians and then one guy hacking into the school’s administration files on the computer and having his computer privileges revoked so i ended up having to type out the entire project and said FUCK THIS I AM WORKING ALONE.

we use to send hate mail to random companies using his dad’s computer and one fishing company wrote back to his dad saying SOMEONE WROTE TO ME SAYING I HAVE A SMALL DICK AND I SHOULD STOP FUCKING MY SISTER… his dad was not impressed.

obviously i am doing everything in my power to not do laundry.