and through the walls you hear the city groan

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nothing like waking up to cold coffee you stuck in the fridge the nite before, strong bodum coffee you left on the counter before leaving the house that day. my gym is open til 5 today so i’m blasting over there as soon as laundry finishes up i’ll toss it in the dryer try to fix my face into that of a cherub’s and not an i worked an all nighter then took an hour to fall asleep face. i feel less miserable today, yesterday was like a 9/10 of miserable. my own fault. i get really bratty when i feel like everyone else gets to go away and i’m left in the city on a long weekend. like i’m the only one here so i party as much as i would if i were outta dodge then i wake up hung in the city, not as fun as waking up hung at the cottage BUT at least in the city you have options in lieu of passive aggressive manners at someone’s cottage and your cottage booze bloat doesn’t go away until you land back home no matter what. inescapable.

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this miserable shit happened to me last summer, and every summer of my life now that i think of it, just now it’s more pronounced cos it’s curtailing an insane period of balls to the wall single girl lifestyle. essentially i feel extremely isolated and exposed. i spend a lot of time alone but then i also get recognized all over town (whilst alone) then gawked at and emailed about it or made fun of for it (all over the internet) so it’s like i’m the loser in the playground kickin’ rocks with my hands in my pockets being like come on guuuuys! it fucks with your head just a little bit i know much of it has to do with shyness which no one believes i actually suffer from (ha suffer) but it’s true. i know i can fit in anywhere but unless some sort of red carpet is rolled out for me i just don’t show? i am a complex piece of shit. have fun with that.

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i had some great customers last nite and was on my chatter game, great tips too. one was like are you drunk right now? no, i’m just an idiot and it’s strung out sunday. they liked that. i called them pisstanks, they liked that too then i got them calling pabsts shitty beers so every order we’ll have three shockers and four shitty beers please. they tipped me a cool hun then i traveled to the other side of the bar upstairs to another gong show party. you sort of get a contact drunk being around revelers, it’s nice, healthier and cheaper. gave me the idea that maybe i could actually like, stop drinking for once. which i plan on doing all week. suicide sober week i got no choice if i want to look good at wakestock this coming weekend though there’s caskapalooza on the fifth and a fancy three course dinner i have media for, taking melodie as my date. i’ll drink water. pfft ha. i’ll sip beer. sipping isn’t drinking. it doesn’t count.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4853868472/in/photostream/

it’s not that i am an addict (so am) i am just addicted to any and every single thing. i am a compulsive consumer because i am sad. if it’s not drugs it’s food if it’s not food it’s clothes if it’s not clothes it’s hair. i have a hole in my heart and it will never be sufficiently corked, not until i am a wife, that’s my story and i’m sticking to it.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4853865806/

can’t be bothered to rotate oh hey i am in desperate need of a new laptop and i don’t care what kind, i’ll even convert to mac. i’m not broke i just don’t want to dump a ton of money so if you are some sort of big wheel in the computer world please hook this a-hole up. laptops are cars are bloggers, kind of severely important. endless blog pluggin’ too yes? call me. i don’t want to start using my new camera until i have a new laptop cos d/ling pics onto this POS will just be a nightmare and part of why i have been phoning in posts as of late is because this guy bums me out so hard every time i fire it up. i should just wipe and reformat but that would require too much time, so many docs and photos to sort through i’d rather lie down in traffic.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/4853268227/in/photostream/

britt had a mad hatter tea sangria party yesterday it was delicious i feelings’d ate her entire table and i didn’t have any tea either. i bawled a bit too. thanks for witnessing that everybody. britt says many would kill to have my life yeah well they can take the rest of my summer then and i’ll have my life back come autumn, no problem. true i am in pre-menses mode so everything is enhanced. mental mental mental.

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i had a mountain of bread all around me, mini mountains.

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went to queen’s park with my aunt to check some of the irie music fest, good little hang before work it was.

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i fucked up that part above the chain, chain guard, right. my right heel hooked and blammed it up so the peddles couldn’t peddle thank god for hand breaks if this happened with the tank bike i’d have died. i fixed it by myself because i am a lesbian now and only lesbian girls are handy. sometimes i have dreams that i am working at the hardware store still.

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paddy showed up and goes oh are you going to play kickball too? um no i am just an idiot.

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guess which ones i ate.

WORST SUMMER EVER THANKS ALL FOR YOUR HELP AND PATIENCE BYEEEEE.