so last nite i demanded ward’s company and he drove all the way from the hampton’s to eat pizza with me and talk about the time he meant to pull just one hair out of my head when i was on the computer but he ripped out 6 hairs instead.
ward told me he has ADD with a sprinkle of dyslexia, so now i get it.
ward said i am allowed to write absolutely anything about him here so i intend to do that because ward is amazing and does not care about what anyone thinks of him and when we hang around his best material comes out because i am sitting at the bar and he is drinking pop after pop and if i don’t react to one of his dumb stories then he tells it again and he just goes on to another one in the middle of telling something else and i am already thinking about my own ADD and looking at my scarf and ward starts putting my mittens on his ears.
he said he had to write mass-email responses out to the customers of the computer place he works for and then there were reply-alls making fun of how he wrote his responses because he puts periods in the middle of words and starts writing a new sentence in the middle of the first one and everyone was all, what in the hell is this guy trying to say? he is like attempting to explain the most simple of concepts but it comes out like this:
t.he format by interface refers to the product and how the format, diversifies the to, ip sanctioned.
basically.
and then we were driving and i say to ward ok here you turn left, this is my left hand and so that is where left is and he says my left or your left? and then started laughing like a donkey and said i am so wicked funny.
when he ran out of things to think about that were funny to say to me i said tell me something else and he said well i ran over a squirrel and i said did you mean to run over that squirrel and he said, yes, but it was already dead.
the bartender gave ward free pop which was very nice but ward had told me he had had 4 cups of coffee already and i said shouldn’t you not be having caffeine, don’t you start thinking about really strange things with all that fastness in your brain from the caffeine and your ADD?
and he said something in response to that but i forgot what it is, something along the lines of yes i do, i stay up and think about my ADD and watch star trek and look at my three computers. i’m a nerd, a mega-fucking nerd. and i said no you are not you are ward and you are awesome and he said yes i am, but i am also a nerd.
and i said ok fine i guess you are but nerds are cool nowadays, you get to be arrogant and make people feel of lesser-intelligence because everyone picked on you when you were young.
ward then told me of the time he chugged a whole carton of orange juice in grade ten and he was sitting beside the hottest girl in class and then he started farting like crazy and everyone was polite about it but the whole class smelled terribly and it was the same class, math class, that he always fell asleep in because it was right after lunch and he would buy onion rings and hamburgers and all that stuff that makes you want to sleep so he’d totally pass out drooling all over himself and then he’d wake up and make a really strange noise and the whole class would laugh and then he would start laughing too because everyone loved him and everything he did was funny and then he started laughing louder than everyone else because he doesn’t laugh normally and then the class would be in hysterics until the teacher told them to shut up.
hi ward.
