The last goodbye

Firstsies, I know that “the last goodbye” is an awful blog post title in the best of times but, 1. It’s a Jeff Buckley song and 2. The priest said it at one point. Normally I tune out everything that is said ever blasted out by my own thoughts but I heard that one, so. It’s incredible that these photos are from just yesterday it feels so far away considering so much has happened since it feels.

For shits and giggles here is Last Goodbye. If you ever want to talk about Jeff Buckey let me know because I’ve got a lot to say haha.

This is a favourite one though and Hallelujah is better than Leonard Cohen’s version of it and I am not sorry to say that either, that is probably the issue we’ll discuss. Jeff Buckley is a tragic topic because he is dead. Far before his time. And he drowned. #griefspiral omg Lol.

These two blond cherubs participated in my Papa’s mass. One sang, the other was an altar girl. When the braided girl sang Fall on your knees, we lost it. It was the most magical blissful, bautiful moment one could hope for. So memorable. Heartbreaking and haunting. This girl sang for my papa before just last Christmas too. My nana hired them, friends of family. So very special and we were in awe in our grief, a mini Sound of Music angel sang such a touching tribute to my Papa. In the words of Jeck Buckley it was so real.

I was amped up and nervous on the way there not knowing if I could speak during the service or not because it’s a traditional practice style mass thing, so I kicked it off and spoke at the beginning which was great because I could get it over with and not dwell nervously upon it throughout the mass. I could barely see as I read because I cried so much, I couldn’t to look to anyone for cues for how it was going either because I just simply could not fucking see, but they all heard me and congratulated me afterward and this is a clear cut memory blurred image imprinted forevermore on my mind. No one forgets funerals.You never forget family either, people you seldom see yet are related to – you will always remember the sweater they wore and the glass they were holding, with fondness.

This is what I added to my eulogy. It was endearing to have elder cousins/their spouses etc say they wished they knew me better so I could say something like that about them at their funeral — we joked we could just change the name and I’d say the exact same thing. Hahah I love my family. This wake taught me that I need to spend more time with some of these great people. It is never too late.

I also recall leaning over the pulpit with my arms bracing either side of it, framing my paper and feeling rather diplomatic plus like an insane baby. I do remember seeing my Nana wiping at her eyes and was like, okay go fr it Lauren. Death is a funny and uncomfortable horrific thing to navigate and when you’re on the front lines you see all of the effects it has on those closest to it and how it changes things and your scope goes a bit wonky. The grieving process hasn’t even begun for the most of us.

Dancing on his 50th Wedding Anniversary with my mom. He had a great life.

This is one of those mash-up posts so just chill.

It was a vest day. I wore those shoes on my first day and left them there that is how much I don’t wear heels. I don’t need to front like that. BUT. Maybe I will some day.

This look lasted one day.

I have been engaged in a secret robot battle bathroom war for several days now and I do not know whom else is involved but this was my most recent contribution to which it stopped shortly thereafter so who knows and I haven’t asked out loud who else is in on it but I know it is likely a select few if not one or person so it’s going to continue until I start seriously studying how many people use that bathroom and when and yes it is both psycho and awesome that I care about and am furthering it. IS IT YOU!?!? One time I had him jammed down the glass vase like an Olympic swimmer. Then he was changed into something else, climbing the branches… nice.

It is so cold today I am wearing two pairs of lounge pants and a sweater with a sweater poncho on top, wool socks, wool hat. THANKS CANADA.

Split a spinach cheddar omelette with mum today. Burning my toast partially, helps ensure I eat less carbs.

Euros wuhooooo. Too bad it takes $600 to make €400. Ridiculously unfair. I should have gone to the ghetto cash money place instead of my bank.

Cray snow day. TBC. I is tired. xo