Ownetry

Here’s a bunch of random things I’ve tweeted over the passed week to whenever, scatalogically, out of context, order and… well here now. I’m the genius who thought of them right and not everyone reads my tweet-burps so it’s kind of like a new form of make-your-own poetry. Ownetry. There I just started “a thing”.

Buuuut Happy NYE guys! See you at the major ripper I’m bartending at tomorrow. I’ll mos def be shy as fuck so BE NICE. Tim “I’ve got tight white pants” Mccready is going cray bananas over the production of it — THEE party to be at tomorrow sorry to say (not sorry!) all my being boring the past oh, 4 days will have been worth it @_@ ILU Happy 2013 Wuhoo! Happy Sunday BTW too. The last one of 2012. My heart stops. Jarvis Cocker voice. Kay thanks BYE! Lauren O is the other Lauren ‘tending bar with me too btw. We will have multi-costume changes.

Blankets are in.

How is a “the following movie contains nudity violence sexual activity blabbity blah” supposed to be any form of disclaimer?

Oh god vitamins empty stomach so stupid me

And NOW she tells me there’s no coffee

I’ll rinse out my spicy mouth with one right meow

I just ate a crumpet.

Listening to The Doors. Save me Jim Morrison.

I just elliptical’d it. Sweaty Mercury.

File under yeah fucking right. Apparently the cat has my flu.

Didn’t turn my computer on once at all yesterday. That deserves some kind of award and, I have a blackberry so with honours please.

Should I make a drink or a salad first?

What I have learned from my blog stats/people’s random google searches: “shadow in toy story 3 obscene” Toy Story 3 penis shadow??? I HOPE.

I wonder how my Jello turned out.

One of these days I’m going to climb over that anger mountain of yours and it’s going to be glorious. #theotherguys

Salad marathon. Third or fourth salad now.

Sex and the city Martinis lololl

Stiff drink poured.

Wizard Kaftan?

Do you hear that? It is the sound of silence. Ahhlone at laaaaast.

he’s a Raymi Ricky Shawny cocktail

Venti Americano misto non fat let’s see how this plays out.

Omg Will & Grace is the best follow-up to B Jones.

Watching date night in jogging pants instead of having a date night eating a spicy salad, having a skinny cocktail.

Tequila Mockingbird.

When people tag you in shit on Facebook that’s scammy or spammy it’s like honestly, I will murder you.

Bought a new bottle of srirachachachacha. Making a huge salad. No carbs Craymi time plus @raymismother laundry hot tub tv and lots of cats.

Ugh when you apply more nail polish to attempt to save a sinking ship.

Am I drinking this boring water or is it drinking me?

Buffets = Feelings eating en masse. That’s my jam. Oh hey what’s up rich looking stranger with the mountain pile of crabs legs and bacon.

Oh there’s a chocolate waterfall here as well you don’t say.

All I want for Christmas is to look good naked. Going for a tan.

Smoked wings bro

Where should I treat mum to lunch/dinner?

No church in the wild.

Shamelessly adore #youvegotmail Too bad I don’t got no mail!

I feel so disgusticated with myself for giving in to this criminal mystery glamorization #dateline

Okay so she kidnapped herself. Yet again, life imitating the Big Lebowski. Nice work #dateline dragging it out over two hours.

Stir Craymi. Now watching the Colin Farrell Total Recall. Please don’t suck.

Casino is on tv. Eating soda crackers. Thrillhouse.

There’s a box of Chicken Noodle without my name on it but I’m going to make it anyway. The box says Lipton, idiot. This joke rules.

So much for my gingerale party of 1. Can’t keep anything down. I wonder who I got this from. I will find out and I will barf on them.

Someone always gives you a bug over the holidays. Stay home next time idiots and don’t hug me.

Omg I think I just gave myself a black eye opening the SUV door in to it ughh cool. Thank god for hipster spectacles.

Staring at a winter waterfall. Drunk. Awesome. I will sleep like an angel tonight/this afternoon/now.

There is a rose in Spanish Harlem.

Okay Pull or Poussez you are way too exrated for this early in the day.

Sushi Shop in Union. Mind blown. Saving for Old Mill fam xmas brunch. Must look like a million bucks. This is going to be tight.

In two song’s time I will be singing my last song ever in this place. It is packed and boiling hot.

It’s that crazy scary wet winter slush rain you go out in any way like the world is trying to be upside down.

When will sisqo make the Mom song a la Thong song? Mom muh mom mom mom! Hury the fuck up let’s go! Now

I’ve done cray shit lived to tell the tale and gladly tell it.

Spoiler alert! #Hobbit They saw lots of daybreaks!!

At 19. Nikola was my online modeling name.

Chef Carlton’s Island Spiced Hot Sauce in both Medium and Hot. My face just blasted off into OuterSpace just saying.

Maaaaagical as fuuuuuhck draggy too

Hanging w/ my brother lately has been awesome he’s like my best friend. Funny, surreal. We look like twins, strangers think we’re a couple.

Halfway through #Hobbit report: uhhhh?

Remind me to tell you about the American lady at Metro I just encountered.

Les Mis Lesmazing. Can’t wait for that one too.

I puked the guts of my heart out. In the streets. No I didn’t but it sounds awesome.

Movie theatre shire snax smugglinz: caesar salad + unsalted miss vickies +coke zero + v

Samsung Galaxy II ad is hilar.

When fighting monsters, Nietzsche wrote, be careful that you do not become a monster yourself. @Street_Carnage

And before that a tan YOLO Muthafucker!

I have another bottle of Zin. I’m thinking that + giant movie theatre straw at the #Hobbit today is going to “rule”.

I wrote as I woke and I wrote without hope.

Long may you run. Mr. Neil Young.

Women are the worst

Keith Richards autobio MIA WTF. Storm stir cray. The Shining big time.

Four women talked shit about me last night. They won.

Pizza Heaven in my mouth

This chick is telling a detailed story about a taking the garbage out fight with her family ughhhhhh stfu girl circle on the train

The hot girl from Rum Diary doesn’t wanna be with Depp cos she likes girls more. Burn of 2012.

Garden Grove, California, United States googled: raymitheminx topless — welcome to my life.

Dominoes pick up with my bro pure jokes.

How many reindeer antler cars have you seen this year omfg stab me with one in the eye please will you!

That moment you choose Bailey’s over milk for your coffee.

Like. A lot of Bailey’s.

Tell me what the matter is little man I gotta pretty face and I wear a nice dress.

Whisky hot tub

Learning Kerouac lineage and how my family was broken up over the spelling of the name. Jack Kerouac’s dad..

Sluren is one of my greatest superstar alter egos.

Award for least paying attention looking like paying full attention right over here now please.

Papa now telling longest story in history. For thirty minutes feels like. Locked self in bathroom. Everyone is getting in shit for giggling.

Nana’s classic British trifle.

Joy to the world found black wool tights of mine that aren’t holey, are clean, and fit.

Shower time for big mouth!

True or False: If your phone dies, you die.

Ahh blackberries on Christmas, bbm messages, so bottom of the barrel heartfelt in essence.

Silver stiletto + Quicksand. Minx talons now painted.

Christmas is all about Facebook.

Oh hey Merry Christmas everyone. Internet celebray-sheeons.

Fuh-ungry

Go to bread actual bread because I WILL go to that.

Epic wrapping paper ball fight for like the past hour.

Meet me at the gingerale.