thanks be to blog

HI BEST FRIEND TOILET PAPER.

117. Do I have to make a video to prove that now too?

Ah gad. You can pay by debit now. I am going to order so much shit now. I have never had a credit card in my entire life. I am a baby infant why do you even read this thing?

I am on a strict fast food diet and I highly un-recommend it. I wonder what garbage we will feast on today.

I have the most crazy insane story to share about a woman who screamed at me all dinner long at shoeless joe’s and threw food at me, she was drunk and insane, but that sneaky kind of insane when you’re not sure and in the end you figure it out. I was fuming and starving. Would you tap a sleeping lion? Well she did. I had been getting slammed all day by haters then we went to that garbage restaurant to slum some wings even though the last time we were there we were so humongously dissed I told the owner’s wife we were SO not coming back and meanwhile the guy is playing pool and watching this entire shit going down and doing nothing. I didn’t flip out because I knew she’d skip out on her tab so i gave her my card and said I might write about this incident and you might learn something about it, she was screaming at me that I was a whore, a stripper, my hair dye job made me a zanza (she meant zanzibar the strip club) we stayed in the bar vicinity longer while I screamed at her like Skeletor that I would destroy her and she fucked with the wrong woman. She is the one who should have been evicted, it was a pride war too like I am not leaving this booth that I love because of you so that’s why the yelling was prolonged and I inevitably had to cave. COOL SERVICE! I thought about how violent and lippy I could get without being charged. She THREW FOOD AT ME and then said I threw food at her, we had no food to throw and didn’t even get drinks yet. Impossible. I didn’t make a stink to get anything comped from that owner cos I knew I would rip them to pieces on the internet instead. I was seething and shaking with rage all the while this piece of human garbage (who turns out left behind jail papers, IS a thief) spat vitriol at me and made us afraid like the dude she was with might beat us up, or take Teacher and therefore I couldn’t spit on her. She had her pint in her hand and I knew she would slosh it on me, she held it wobblingly menacingly. I was like is this happening?

We went to the other side of the restaurant and she continued her tirade. She was on a date in there earlier, that dude left (rejected) and she cozied up to a stranger, desperate and gross, who was rubbing her fat stomach that was out in the open when we sat down by mistake right there and she looks over at me sneers and says JEALOUS!? In this drunk and skanky sailorette voice. I stared fire at her while she continued talking at me. I was rage level starving already and we had a nice walk over together and were happy about our decision to drink hurricanes on wing night.

And I actually wasn’t going to write about this incident because I have been shrouded in negativity lately it is making me sick. I live tweeted all of it cos I was just flabbergasted. A lush came in, her kind of person, they shake hands and then I watch and hear her loudly cuss me out to this new guy. Unbelievable. No one is doing anything. I already know and have a complex that I set people off. I already screamed at her that she was a cunt and should do some sit ups and to KEEP EATING (she had food all over her mouth) and got up in her face, a table of frat boys all got up to watch it, it felt like the restaurant was on our side but I wasn’t sure because still no one was intervening other than the bartender, and just barely.

And so, like in every situation like this, I turned in to my brother. I slipped my last business card in to my pocket, I went to the bathroom, I informed teacher I had some unfinished business to attend to. You do not fuck with the minx and get away with it. I wasn’t entirely sure I was going to do this and all signs pointed to danger and red flag but I am not a pussy, I was shaking from nerves and adrenaline while I washed my hands in the sink in that shit hole bathroom. I walked up to them, pressed my card into the bar in front of her and said now I may write about this blabbity blah and I’m better than a stripper I am a burlesque dancer. The dude had already apologized to Teacher in the bathroom, I made him follow along behind to investigate, so I walked back to our table, took a deep breath, turned around and marched over to her. She had her pack of smokes in her hand put it down, picked up my card and smushed it into her dip. She was previously making fun of me saying I was a writer.

So, I said in to the back of her head You should totally read it, I’m not sure exactly because I was in the middle of punching her! The very thing I didn’t want to do. It was a teeny charlie horse, meant to be a tap like hello because she didn’t look at me once but was going bwah bwah bwah or something. The beauty was, everyone ignored that I did it but so must have known. She went bananas of course but no one had her back, like I knew they wouldn’t. She screamed for a solid ten minutes all kinds of hysteria about me to the bartender while I watched smugly from the diningroom and every time she barked at or lunged toward me I cupped my hand to my ear and pretended I was deaf and confused. And then they dragged her ass out of there. And then they brought her papers over and I took multiple photos of it and then my server said who cares I am quitting after the holidays. At certain points I was mulling over whether we would dine and dash but I didn’t want to screw over this kid. So I gave him a big tip instead.

Don’t scream obscenities at people in restaurants and leave your jail papers behind. Teacher said to her to get some self esteem, she was queen of the bar before we arrived and then felt threatened, I didn’t even have a chance to give her stink eye, my ass was not in the seat 2 seconds (I am not even exaggerating) before she screamed JEALOUS!? at me.

Then I went home to more haterade from the internet and woke up to some more too.

Peace!