this little thing called a blog might make you miss me less
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i was referenced in the gridto last week. kate asked me to advise on this internet Q, second one down:
I’m an active tweeter and blogger. I’m always on Facebook and LinkedIn, and I post life updates multiple times a day. This isn’t a problem for my employer or even my recent ex, but Twitter came up at a family dinner recently, and I made the mistake of defending it. Now my mom and stepdad are reading my posts and acting differently towards me. I’m not going to take anything down or defend myself, but I don’t like that they’re making me feel like I’ve done something wrong.—V.C.
Being mean-ish to you about something that is none of their business is sucky, but it’s also understandable that your parents are weirded out that there are versions of you other than the one who comes over for dinner. It’s probably disconcerting for them to find this anti–treasure trove of your ideas and experiences, and to confront you in an adult context. But isn’t that how you felt when you found their porn that time?
Lauren White, who exhaustively documents her relationships, her nights out and her boobies as Raymi the Minx, says that she initially thought it was a mistake to give her mom the URL to her blog. “She would not stop commenting. Sometimes she’d call in tears and I’d scream and hang up.” In other words, it’s definitely your parents’ problem, not yours, but it’s going to be awkward for everybody.
Your problem is what psychiatrist Carl Jung (and, uh, lots of other dudes) called “individuation.” This is the process of becoming yourself through “differentiation” (blogging about the stuff that you think and feel, not what your mom, boss or boyfriend wants you to think and feel) and “integration” (giving negative-10 shits what any of them think because, as Drake, Toronto’s most individuated rapper, says, “Oh yeah, that’s right, I’m doing me”).
We live half online now, and it’s real. It’s totally cool that you want your family to respect and take your internet-self seriously. (Or, you could do like me and pretend really hard that your family hasn’t found Google yet.) White says, “If it really bothers you and changes how you write—it will—then ask them not to read it, [or] put them on limited Facebook profiles.” Individuation means you’re no longer constructing a near-replica of your parents’ lives; it means “doing me.” That has got to be a fucked-up concept for post-fortysomethings to understand, which is actually kind of cute and sad. Anyway, you’re not doing anything wrong and they’ll probably relax. If they won’t acknowledge the online-you, defer to Raymi the Minx and “kindly tell them to go fuck themselves.”
and, because this is the internet and i am an opportunistical content hog (i’m personally sending scouts out to shows as media for me this week, using my empire to gain media access for their art. sharin’ the wealth) here is the orig Q and my full weigh-in. if you have copies of this issue please get me a pile thank you i missed the boat. AGAIN.
Heya,
I received a question from a reader for my advice column in the Grid, who is worried because her online life has been discovered (wasn’t “hidden”, but wasn’t known about before) by her family. They aren’t totally scandalized but they’re definitely uncomfortable, judgmental, etc. I would love to use you as my “guest expert” for the column, if you’re up for it. Let me know? It doesn’t take very long; I just email the question and you weigh in however you want. Kelly Cutrone was my expert this week, here it is; http://www.thegridto.com/life/advice/work-hard-and-stfu/
thanks!
Kate
Totally!
Awesome! Here it is:
Dear Kate: Ugg, I have a nauseating situation on my hands. Just like every other 28 year old disgruntled and sometimes extremely happy woman with too much time on her hands, I have unconsciously created something of an online presence for myself. I have an active Twitter account and a blog I update at least every day, and Facebook and LinkedIn. No Formspring yet, though. This is not a problem for my employer, who knows all about it (she also has Twitter!) or my recent ex, but at a family dinner Twitter came up and I made the mistake of defending it as though I knew what I was talking about, and now my dad, my brothers, my aunts have all been checking me out online and acting differently toward me. I’m not going to take anything down or even defend myself, but I don’t like that they’ve seen another side of me and are making me feel like I’ve done something wrong. How should i deal?
If you’re able to send me back your thoughts/feelings today, that would be awesome. Please answer however you like: fun, serious, whatever.
xx
Gaha poor girl kay thinking now will get back soon
DRUMROLL PLEASE…
You went to the trouble of defending your much loved online alter-ego life to your family, so stick to it. You seem heavily invested in carving an online realm and likely know that you don’t exist (intellectually) in this modern day without one. Blogs are your IN, why censor yourself to save aunt Myrtle from a heart attack if it’s already working for you and your employer is on board? Money trumps family when you become a grown-up, IMO but your family is your number one cheering section and while at first it’s not easy to handle the idea of your dad seeing your (my) tits on the internet, deal with it pops cos you’re walking in on MY dream here. It’s no easy feat to stand out on the internet now, there are so many of us 28 year old sassy broads out there and we’ve all figured out how to be clever and biting and pose in cute outfits for lookbook so, your family should be nurturing this “hobby” potential business enterprise of yours and if they don’t dear Ugg, kindly tell them to go fuck themselves. You’re not getting younger or cuter (maybe?) you know, whose life is this anyway? I feel like you are whining about your brother reading your sticker book or something, the only way I see your family having any sort of hold over your online persona is if you’re Mormon or some shit, guy. If I ever listened to my family in terms of online multimedia or whatever I would not be raymi the fucking minx. I gave my mom my blog url the day I packed my bags and drove to Brooklyn at 18, sayonara oh and ps. this little thing called a blog might make you miss me less. For awhile I thought it a huge mistake, she would not stop commenting, sometimes she’d call in tears and I’d scream and hang up. She’d call back, granted I was 19 and train(joyride)wrecking all over the netz but so what. I never planned to work in an office so the people can see my skeletons. Not to be a psychic or anything but it sounds like you are already doing the safety dance on the internet and couldn’t possibly be anywhere near to how controversial (stupid) and provoking I am on the internet day in day out so if your family has beef with that then the issue is with them and 28 years of pent-up wall of silences are gonna come rolling out for a good old fashioned family referendum of awesome. When people take issue with other people’s blogs (facebooks, lives whatever) it says more about them than it does you. If mom doesn’t like your opinions then she can start her own damn blog, hell, mine did and for all the years of nitpicking me and nagging, hey mom, don’t tell me! tell the internet! This could bring your family closer to you, look at the positives. You can also use your blog to suck up to them, the pay-offs are endless. HAPPY BIRTHDAY UNCLE HANK! See? Genius. Anyway, if it really bothers you and changes how you write (it will) then ask them to not read it, put them on limited facebook profiles. People get very good very fast at acting like they don’t read your blog, trust me, cos they know deep down they’re pussies and could never do what you do which is why they live vicariously through your shit. It will get better.
sorry kinda ranty, hope it suffices.
—-
im throwing my orig on the bloggo. thanks kate and i hope to run into you and your big jugs some day IRL.
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