you say you want to let me go but i don’t know how to disappear i’m still wrapped up in afterglow and all the memories are here

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i’m sick. i thought it might just be a mini one. not so. throughout the early evening my sickness expedited itself. i think it’s moving through me faster because i am cleanse detox clean as a whistle?

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teacher is going on a date tonight. well at first, last week, he said he was hanging with his bud which i quickly figured out was a lie and asked if it would be problematic if i was here, maybe he’ll have to go f(inger)-bang (his problems away, inside PBC joke) at hers, i mean “his” insert dude’s name there instead.

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it’s pretty saboteur of me to keep coming ’round here like i do. so what we are friends and i know i’m #1. now he can go with all the pieces of internet dating trash he wants.

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you better come up with a back up for getting over me type thing. no. that’s cruel. we’ve just eclipsed dating or i got my way into the friend zone, down with his homies too. don’t let a girl do that to you if you are in love with her because your friends will continuously throw your needing to wean off of her under the fucking bus daily. it’s complicated is the short of it. i am addicted to complicated. i was born complicated. i came out of my mom so fast i fucked up the doctor’s shoes and was like, that’s right.

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the teacher drove me to metro yesterday to buy sick supplies. i said i am dyiiiiing. he said no don’t cos you know i’ll be brushing your hair then. !! i go what?? he said yeah there’s a high probability of me keeping you around for a little bit, so don’t die. i said i am going to put that on my blog and he’s like go ahead. i said i would ask my audience if i should be scared or worried. haha sure psycho. this is all going to end in a big messy disaster or i just get to abuse and treat him like shit for life. it’s twisted, i know. it’s because he’s a teacher, he has to boss people around all day. it’s like when cops see dominatrixes or anyone in a position of authority likes s&m, they need to get it back. works for me! i would absolutely love to scream in a judge’s face, horrible dehumanizing degrading insults. so fun. then a stack of money in an envelope. you know my email, i’ll be discreet lulz. i’m already celibate too, that’s another beauty, no boning.

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i watched fear and loathing in las vegas last night for the first time amidst a hayfever 24 hour sniffle head fog delirium. it was a bit much. a lot much. i also went out as hunter s. saturday night. i love how this photographer has accurately captured my donkey/unicorn likeness. thank you. we watched narnia last night (somehow i missed out on the caspian one) when i arrived to teacher’s from my “friend’s” aka date. so much lying going on!

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i took a ton of pictures just now and i look like an overtired garbage truck in the majority of them. pre-menses, sick haggard on top of cleanse = am i finally showing my age now? (een told a lot lately that i am looking 24/25 and that some of my peers might be lying about their age cos they are looking wretched. mean!!!!) oh the lovely self esteem ups and downs. one day PMS land will exist, stay away from the nightmare fun house what with the fat water retaining pig giants that chase you down the haunted hall of fat mirrors AGHH!

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melodie opening my birthday gift. i want to take her to a spa. any spas out there wanting a blog feature of model melodie and raymbo bright floatin’ around in mud and white towels ahem, raymi at raymitheminx . com you know it.

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i lost a client cos of this bullshit. so square and backward.

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what country do we live in again? a fascist regime one apparently? why are you advertising with me? who made people aware of you? i know it was your lawyer, married into the family lawyer too who freaked out but when i told this to many people they found it beyond laughable. what was the big deal i was just making a pizza anyway haha THAT WAS OREGANO!

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lady gaga just came out that she smokes weed when she writes songs. i said SEE! to my mom and she goes ONLY WHEN SHE IS CREATING! um. how the hell do you think these posts get written daily? sometimes i have the harshest writer’s block, so i sit down and go through my pictures from last night and then he story reveals itself. passages and doorways in my head open up and i remember. something will be triggered and i decide ok do i go emo, do i expand on that gibberish or do i keep going ADD all the way. i went on a date with a celebrity this year. he writes his content, the show, and gets lit everyday while doing it and this show is on a conservative and big known network, with high (lol) ratings, everybody watches it. i find this hilarious. i also have photos of the entire date from start to finish to morning after walk of fame. we shared a doob on my way out, both off to our monastic secret stoner worlds of writing. he was a good lay.

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i think i exercise my brain too much. i told my shrink that i have to change it up. he was impressed and amazed at my sobriety. i said i had been doing some cheating here and there but all in all i was a completely different person than the one who manically unloaded on him six weeks ago.

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i write choose your own adventure type posts. i begin several stories at once and finish none of them. each one containing something heavy along with and i freak myself out of divulging the rest of the story.

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this is me trying to hide how sick i am and feel. i was clogged up and it was making me feel disgusting, unattractive. there was no chemistry between us. we sat like statues watching his stupid idea of a movie for a second date. self indulgent drug bender garbage, hey man, i prefer my own highs, listening to your trip is just as boring as listening to your dreams. i do not care.

he thought he had lead me on. the thing abut date culture is, you become privy to information about yourself bespoke by someone who does not at all know you, handfuls of mini-immediate judgments offered on your way out, it’s so unnecessary and rude. i am proud that i have more manners than the majority of people out there, say or think what you want of me but honestly, i can paint any and all of you in such a horrific light you would actually have a nervous breakdown from the bad that i see in you yet choose to overlook and ignore. long story short, you shittier than me!

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he said i needed to be with someone creative. funny, i never even said i wanted to be with him. i said the only difference between us is i am not narrow-minded, he agreed. he had a big problem with my taking pictures and i took very few. i was repulsed by that. i said you know, it’s only going to get worse, you must adapt along with society and not expect it to adapt to you. he’s late thirties, i find older guys are very stubborn if they’re not on internet board. it’s an inferiority complex slightly, like, there’s a big legendary party they never went to. they fail to see it’s not too late. he basically inferred that he couldn’t handle raymi the minx. a girlfriend on the internet (jealous, can’t control her) so i said ok i am out of here and left. he’s like, did i upset you that much? no, i am sick, i don’t want to watch this movie, you’re frosty and wasting my time. i could see being his friend but if he can’t handle photos then that’s a chunk of my content time gone and if he’s going to make pissy observations then why even bother? i stopped myself from yawning when he was talking about his job, you know. he said he was feeling me, just can’t get over the photos. wow so amazingly lame and i refuse to stop doing what i do. it’s like i love you, now change! no.

i sensed this fight on the horizon so i made it happen. i stoked the flames. i would be miserable forever if i was with this guy, emoteless and then i couldn’t even take pictures of my plight? FUCK THAT capital F-U-C-K THAT-A-TAT-TAT! how controlling. he said that photos distracted me. whaaat? also that he doesn’t capture his life. which i find absurd and stupid. in this digital age, it didn’t happen if you don’t have photos. it’s BECAUSE of photos that i get to have this wonderful life that i live. you know what my job is right now? my actual job is CLEANSING. isn’t that amazing? and then after that it will be something else fun and unique. i get to design my job by the week, whatever i want. sky’s the limit not no fucking guy, limiting me. so, this guy was my first date in two/three months. i gave it a second chance because it was my first date in two-ish months. i am green again. next time i will go with my immediate gut instincts. i have no time for dating, it isn’t even secondary on my list of priorities right now. as lonely as i get and as frequent as my late-twenties going to die alone and ugly barren spinster nightmares arise (every half hour) i am not going on date sprees again. i have to put me first. which is why when teacher comes home tonight if i am here i will probably razz the shit out of him in an unhealthy way. i am torture incarnate. i shouldn’t be here. he drives me insane, but i cannot be alone and i am too lazy to go on dates. i am a fucking asshole. his friend said he should break up with me (few weeks ago) and he’s like nooo but i love herrrr. i am like that abusive boyfriend you lost your friend to, you just have to let it die on its own, there is no reasoning, period. except, i’m not his girlfriend. simply just walking across the room is power over him enough but we are friends. i keep justifying it in my head like that. he said ok you’re not my girlfriend but maybe someday you will be. do not feed my ego like that.

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obnoxious. yes a classic but for this time it wouldn’t fly. there’s nothing insightful about drug use. we’ve already learned that it makes advertisers jumpy. i have a lascivious article sitting on a shelf cos it’s too provocative, waiting on a certain advertiser, ok well clean it up then. no no we like it the way it is. ughhhhh. too edgy, not edgy enough. fuck it. i have never cow-towed i’m not going to start now.

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accident close-up.

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my sweatshirt is adorable. better keep your boyfriends away from me.

ha kidding.

CLEANSE DAY 14 is on thursday. i am two days away. thankfully i have minimal appetite today. i might be having cleanse-ending anxiety i am afraid i will balloon right up. Jeanette has been wonderful and amazing, we’re meeting up tomorrow. i know lots of you have questions so don’t waste her time but i’m sure jeanette would be happy to help guide you in your own cleanse/detox/fasting pursuit. i am proof that it works and worked. she has many other clients successfully on cleanse, post-cleanse. i want to do this again very soon. my program is somewhat extended. i’ll be on probiotics and other intestinal drawing pills, they’re at home i forget what they’re called. anyway she has a facebook page so like it and find other hippies like you to talk about shakes with.

maybe i’ll have a bawwwwwwwwth now.