Fear of failure’s all you’ve started, The jury is in, verdict: Retarded.

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decided to see my moms.

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i missed my work out today but it’s alright i assaulted myself all day long yesterday. 3.7 miles on the elliptical, 200 calories, wicked fast clip. then i did a lot of weights, more cardio stretching and worked out with my mom too. saturday, tomorrow, bootcamp. i will bringing this thing called THE NOISE.

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i bought this for my mom, guess when, guess where. guess what guys i saw things and did stuff! some of us have sick fascinations, morbid curiosities, sentimental reasoning being the base culprit.

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that new hippie nailpolish. a lot harder to get off.

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weird salami salad from the counter. good weird.

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i am in a depression.

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stew and i this night wandered around yonge dundas square through barricades of police news trucks firetrucks ambulances more cops on foot cruisers parked, we shared a joint throughout and were only annoyed we had to make a detour west of yonge parallel a street down. we had time for jack astor’s and drank through black swan sat in the loser front row like crackheads gunned on large diet vodka cokes. then we went to the beac to continue the shit show.

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i can’t tell time in 24:00 format. that pissed off my engineer mensa-iq ex a lot. i have a collection of these papers because i have to make one every time i check the go train schedules which i can’t remember because i am one of those adorable bumbling creative types who step off a sidewalk curb into a pink fluffy cloud down to dumb luck capital city population how did i make it this far in life hahha. anyway, i should start saving these, frame them and have a show. i tried to save one at my dad’s but he threw it out. these numbers are important numbers. how to be famous on the internet right there kids. (yes it’s a wine stain).

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i am dealing with my present anxiety sadness by doing a lot of cardio and weights. i got up off the couch and did a hundred curls lateral raises squats flies push ups lunges, went zen and realised i am back to being flexible again. i did a session on my mom too, she’s pretty fit. i pushed her to go as hard as she could. i’m going to bring her to TMR soon, brother too. family day! also don’t forget about the shasha bread factory OPEN HOUSE tour this family day, sign up and join me please while i stuff bread and cookies in my mouth. i like weird pursuits. i pursue the weird. while i am trying to steer my slutty brand over into asexual territory i need new activities for it that align. there’s also a secret hidden reason for it in the back-end i’ll tell you when it happens.

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i change my nail polish practically daily. at least 6 times a week. on a scale of one to mental where does that sit?

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i’m thinking of coming back out for saturday night, the firehall is having a karaoke contest kicking off their saturday nights and if they pick your name and you sing the song you pre-requested you can win $250. yeah, i’m doing it. taylor the managress chatted to my mom and i over our nightcap wednesday night after emmas. taylor carded me i was like, are you serious? momentarily nervous she stood her ground. i dragged my heels all the way back to the car to get my expired passport with my mom’s SHE’S ALMOST 30! ringing in my ears. i said MOM I’M ALMOST 28! i knew she threw me under the bus cos she was jealous i got carded like that. it was only because we ordered one glass of wine like we were going to share it then i threw in the extra glass like a total minor would using their parent as a shield. it’s alright though, i accidentally said my mom’s real age to one of the dude friends in her crew. baha.

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remind me to steal this lipstick off my mom before i leave. she’s trying to get me to go shopping. i always whine to go to f21 when i’m out here and she always says no (i don’t put up much of a fight i have enough shit and blowing money is just a past time, things don’t make me any happier) but last night and today she keeps suggesting it so i know that she knows i am in hell. which is what i said last night on the couch then erupted in a river of tears with only my head exposed out of the couch throw blanket floating crying head, fantastic visual.

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making friends everywhere i go. there are an abundance of late boomer white dudes all over this neighbourhood. or maybe it’s just that i only ever go to bars. dad , this guy was in a beatle cover band.

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my hair was long this night, felt longer.

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check my legs nice toothpicks. i am going to come out of this depression a prize champion cage fighting gladiator skeleton. i’m white as hell too.

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not the greatest (mom where are the others?) i want to train my mom and uncle together. my uncle mike is obsessed with his body and positively OCD about working out. hmm how familiar-seeming is that? i am a good trainer/coach i have zero qualifications or certificates but whatever, i’m smart. i wouldn’t make you lift a boulder or anything. not yet anyway. speaking of uncle mike it’s his birthday on tuesday so he wants to use his cafe du lac prize sunday night. must call and make arrangements for him.

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then i dressed like macaulay culkin.

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uh weirdly unflattering i have no idea how to make that vest work. maybe at a snooty garden party.

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cabbage patch figurine face.

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bizarre.

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firehall this saturday, tomorrow night. bronte. see you on the mic. i’m going to top this performance, same song.

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