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a shitty blogasm

http://www.flickr.com/photos/raymilauren/5099820486/

i’ve been a bit of a mess since i’ve been out here.

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i am in a stress vortex.

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sitting down in front of my blog is total escapism. likely why i’ve taken to it for so many years. i have been putting life and things and worries on hold for ages now. the higher quotient of blog posts says that there is something i am battling mentally. the lack of blog posts says the same too. usually that i’m depressed and the energy necessary in bumping out fluff posts, i just don’t have. well it’s there but i can’t be bothered to force it. force a smile. i cannot do that. i think people who do are crazy. how can you get through life being a phony like that? i’d rather go to bed at night thinking you’re a cunt instead of a crazy cunt fake smiling like a cheshire.

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stress vortex aghhhhhhh if i keep blogging i am safe hahaha.

burlington has made me squirrely it’s time to go back to reality now.

i am so happy that i got fuck all done. well, i did a lot of emailing and business in that regard but nothing concrete. ok no i did begin an article. an article about a story i’ve been retelling often. steph’s eyes bugged out when i got to the part about the shrimp and coffee and the suit. wow.

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i am a weirdo. i enjoy weird things. i put myself into weird situations my entire life just to test myself. i think i get off on abuse, torture, minimal discomfort. i cannot believe it’s happening so i see how long i can tolerate it and see who snaps first. like all the shitty dates i go on.

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another great thing about blogging is, i really, genuinely, enjoy being alone. as much as i complain about dying alone fat and old, i kinda don’t care? i wigged out yesterday a bit, the emo got me bad, and i thought if i had a boyfriend would that fix how awful i feel right now? no, it wouldn’t, i’d still be miserable, he couldn’t cure that, therefore, a boyfriend is redundant. almost a hindrance. some of these dates i go on the poor saps fall head over heels but i don’t for them and you can see the trainwreck around the bend. you really truly want to be the one for them or give them 24 hours to think it’s gonna happen. but it isn’t. i am so ludicrously picky now i don’t think i will be able to settle. it’s cos i realized my power. it will be the undoing of me in the end. pride can’t hold you in the night.

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went out with binsk last nite and we shared our life philosophies. she is awesome. takes awhile but eventually you learn that you don’t need no fucking man. a couple of my girlfriends are going through breakups at the moment. i try to be a bastion of hey look at me all this can be yours too (hahaha) for them. some days i feel like i am barely keeping it together but that’s ok, i’m not a dweller, set it and forget it and move the fuck on. when you breakup with someone it’s for reasons, your logical mind tells you from the getgo that this prick is beneath you slightly, maybe. if he blows it or you blow it it’s cos neither heart was into it so don’t be so sad when it’s over you’re just moving on to the next phase of awesome in your life. don’t get down about the in-between hard bits, they make you stronger for having got through them. enjoy the suffering. suffering makes you feel alive. like watching a scary movie. you’re involved.

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everyone has fears. everyone feels inadequate and anxious. once you realize you’re never truly alone in the world then things get easier. yes i enjoy being alone but do i know i’m really alone? five thousand unique people come to hang out here with me every day so i must be doing something right.

ok this is getting squirrely now im revealing shit. one of the guys in deep river was telling me some stuff and he got this look on his face and said uh oh i’m sharing. big whoop. share away.

doesn’t it seem like blogs are dying off or is it just me. i feel like people are packing’er in. meh.

the point of this retarded story is, i am a completely different person now that i am single and thriving. it isn’t always easy but it’s interesting to say the least. my life could easily still be exactly the same as it was a couple years ago, which floors me a little. like that nicholas cage film when he has that entire life he could of had with tea leoni if he stayed in the suburbs instead of the yuppie bachelor dream world that was his reality. which would you choose? do i want to be a professional at relationships or do i want to be a professional at achieving my goals? you can be both but it takes a lot of energy out of you, to work on a relationship, holy shit, intense. you don’t get to live both worlds, single life world and all the ridiculous adventures and flavours. it is also exciting going on dates or just meeting people too you don’t talk to them in a manner that’s kind of passive like, i cannot sleep with this person because i am in a relationship i am speaking to them because they are interesting and it’s my choice to give them my time. people in relationships sometimes don’t make the real world people effort because they know they’re going home to someone. single people are like come on bring it i am out of my house if i don’t engage in social interaction then i’m not getting any later on. it makes you braver, essentially. self assured in a fearless way.

ok to real work now blog whisperer ouuuuutie.

36 thoughts on “a shitty blogasm”

  1. Okay okay: the “crazy cunt fake” bit made me smile like a cheshire.
    p.s. Who cares if blogs die? That might actually make them retro and chic again.

  3. The ideal setting in my opinion would be to stay single forever but to only live next to other people who had the same idea. That way you could fuck and have tea with your neighbors and still be able to come home and sleep in your own bed alone. Perfect!

  7. steph i get an entire cat and house to myself that is clutter free with wireless i get to be an only child it’s a mini vacation when the city feels like too much city and then when i get bored i just go home to give’r.

    brian what about it?

  15. I am going through this intense time in my life regarding a relationship…and regarding my life up to this point. I am struggling with anxiety to the extreme and in a sorta dark state. And though I have an amazing group of family and friends I tend to keep this anxiety and negative shit private. I know underneath it all i have strentgh but it is all hidden under lock and key in my heart. Last night I cried my fool eyes out and felt utterly alone. But today the universe has sent me all these messages telling me that life is right here, in front of my eyes…that I need to come out of the clouds and marvel in the fact that I am alive. This post is just another part of the key that is slowly unlocking the essence inside. So simply, Thank You.

  16. I think blogs are becoming a bit less, trendy now. I was recently a panelist at a social media conference and blogs were highly underestimated. I agree with you that overall this will be good for bloggers. Lol, is it weird that now that it’s trending out I want to start again!?!

  17. the trend can come and go it won’t change anything around here or for me. it makes perfect sense to want to get back into it, i highly recommend that you do. social media is a hilarious joke. blogging predates it and is a far more respectable medium than twitter. cute light switch plate on your blog btw.

  20. “pride can’t hold you in the night.” oh now that’s poetry right there. beautiful. “Harold and Maude” is my favorite movie.

  22. great article. “the point of this retarded story is, i am a completely different person now that i am single and thriving”. then thats all that matters. happiness is like that small measure of peace that all of us look for, but few of us ever find.
    yes i relate many of my thoughts through quotes. im cheezy.

  23. Both. Lots of single people I know complain regularly that being single is great but it would be nice to have a steady lay….

  25. facebook has become the “new blog” fix. The average Joe can get stimulation/attention on this social network.

    You are safe, your blog is more of a reality TV show of sorts. Raymivision.

  26. “the point of this retarded story is, i am a completely different person now that i am single and thriving. it isn’t always easy but it’s interesting to say the least.”

    me and my boyfriend of 5 years broke up a couple months ago. i’ve been on this kind of rollercoaster of fuckedupedness, and some days i truly have wanted to die… but other days are so real, it feels like i’m actually experiencing the shit that happens to me and not just living in some weird pink cloudy “boy/relationship world”.

    sometimes i think i’m not making any progress, but i realize that i think i’m actually becoming a person now.
    like, my own person.

    i can’t believe it’s been so many years since i’ve had this basic privilege.

    anyway.
    <3

  27. You are awesome too my friend.

    And ya I think the key is to enjoy whatever place you are at in your life because it will change soon enough so you might as well learn what you can and enjoy the moment for what it is.

    You make me want to blog again too…but more for diary reasons than interactive ones. It’s so cool to go back six years and read what/who I was feeling/doing. ;)

  29. there was an interview with gorillaz on Q with jian gomeshi today. thought you might be interested in giving it a listen.

  31. love this post…. realizing that you are at level with yourself where you can be as happy with or without being in a relationship is an amazing feeling (almost of accomplishment).

  32. pride can’t hold you in the night, but it can sure fuck you hard can’t it. I’ve learned that the hard way (ah, lame no pun intended sort of thing) a few times.

    Pride can be a pretty instinctual way of protecting ourselves I guess. And that’s not always a bad thing either.

  34. great post. i am totally on your wavelength. after 5 years of relationship hopping i done. i need to take care of myself and achieve my goals.

    you are so right – you can do both (relationship and goals) it’s hard and i simply do not feel like expending that kind of energy on just anyone. i mean, you have to be pretty amazing, or it’s just not worth it.

    i wild a spinster.

  35. *i will die a spinster. typos galore. i clearly should not be commenting at work. well, actually i do get paid to do that at work but still.

    outtie.

  36. Another awesome post. It’s great to see another woman comfortable with her singleness and willing to wait it out for Mr. Awesome, instead of just settling for the nearest douchehole who can co-sign Christmas cards, and be their arm candy to parties.. if even that.

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