I know my mind is made up so put away your make up

last night i flirted with pole dancing lessons at flirty girl fitness studios with carly (ripe off a week-long tiff bender she was). do i seem like the pole dancing type? (obviously) i mean do i seem like one of those girls? kinda cheesy no? well, i’ve always wanted to try it i think its been around for years now since women decided to start owning their sexuality, taking back their power all that cougary awesome shit. i put pole dancing classes in the to do pile years ago it’s not something you wake up one day and go oh, think i’ll try that. you need motivation. you need a gaggle of girls to go along with which is cool as i think it’d be a perfect bachelorette party activity for sure. i’m the type of person who will do or try anything, i am not rigid, i have fun. this obviously seems like a fun thing to try and one day you may find yourself in a dive bar with a pole, how cool would it be to dominate that? like the one at tattoo rock parlour (gag) i always try to do some moves on it. there’s also one at annex wreckroom. and one in the back room of the bovine and i love it when crust punks climb it myself included.

tramp stamp! i told carly she needs an image makeover she can’t go myspace anymore people keep pre-judging her everywhere we go and it infuriates me, they don’t take her seriously, they’re rude, ugh, i will come back to this.

i will preface this with yesterday was day one ground zero menses bloated. i am way leaned out today i would have preferred to be photographed on a lankier day though. over it.

i’m going back today with my week long media pass to try other classes they have as i suck at pole dancing. the studio is located closer to me than my gym so i’m going to do something each day this week. i am so pumped fabfind found me to begin with to hook me up with all these services in the city, perfect for my spazztastic will do and/or try anything MO all you have to do is suggest me something and i’m game. pretty easy. also when you have ample time for this shit. next i’m getting a facial, all this super normal stuff i never do because i never have time and i never pamper myself. i have been doing it wrong for a long time. living backward.

i’m just used to putting someone else first and doing little things for myself IF there is enough time after that like i look at my life and all the luxuries i have, the ins and outs and i am confronted by so much empty time that i know will fill up and it does but beyond that i have laid out this life for myself that is unstructured, free and open it’s kind of overwhelming to be so free.

which is precisely why i am boyfriend hunting like i need a babysitter or something. i am attracted to my opposite, someone controlling and stern and structured. well i thought i was up until very recently. had a hang out with one of the men in my life and he was the moodiest motherfucker ever i could not believe it. brought me back to a few past relationships, it was borderline abusive and i have only known this person a handful of weeks. too soon to be operating as such. also, oh no you dih-in’t.

i will never call this person again and i don’t expect them to get in touch with me and i do not care either way. i am never putting myself into a situation like that ever again. i don’t know why or how i am able to tolerate so much abuse and stress and make allowances for people who are shitty to me. i think it fascinates me how awful one can be i feel challenged by it emotionally and i let it continue and the person’s moods rollercoaster all around you they are like begging you for confrontation and you never give it so they act completely mental and you wake up one day and go ok this has got to stop now i’m sorry you thought i was an actual cruel person and you like want me to tell you where to go, spar with you, i just don’t operate like that. my heart is good and it is there. i am not evil i actually seek harmony i don’t know why you have to piss all over everything all of the time.

some guys sabotage the relationship too. they can’t believe the catch they have caught so they test you every fucking day. it’s sick. i have been in so many fucked up emotionally abusive and physically abusive relationships just had a moment of clarity about it i feel like murdering these people right now but i learned how to let anger go. i don’t really blow my fuse ever despite it seeming so on here. i have minor little spats that take me so much courage to get the nerve of releasing that by the time i actually say something i am already unburdened and the person is like, that was it?

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so i go between being completely fine with being single, fuck that i don’t need a man self-empowerment moments to outright loneliness. but i was always lonely so i’m used to it. it’s a different kind of loneliness. it can make you bratty and spend way too much money. it makes you picky. it’s nice to be able to pick and choose who you spend time with and you don’t have to worry if you and your partner both like this person and the best part you don’t have to force your friend into hanging out with your wet blanket (who treats you like shit anyway ahahhaa).

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and everyone invites you places again because it’s easier to be a plus one instead of a plus two and you don’t have to fight over whether both of you feel like doing this thing. sorry we can’t come because someone wants to stay in on the couch. which i DO love but you know, it’s nice to spread yourself around when you’re in your twenties.

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you learn more about yourself when you’re single.

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i notice some of the men i meet or talk to (“work”) make a point of mentioning their wives or girlfriends. never really noticed that before. it’s like they are out loud reminding themselves not to do or say anything inappropriate but also so you don’t get any ideas and not to be a priss or conceited but some of these guys there is not a high chance in hell of me doing aaaanything with them ever so this is why i feel like they feel it’s important to let me know from the get-go they’re taken like if i know this but still make a move i at least knew and therefore it’s on me.

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wow this was so not the idea i had in mind for this post hahaha. carly and i showed up late and sweated profusely within like 4 minutes of twirling. brutal. humiliating.

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the other class attendees were like who the hell are you, kinda curious but not really.

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hahahahha making this my fb profile photo. i was like can you imagine if casie were here we were mental enough without her. of course i showed up baked. slightly. biking cancels out my high. also my period made me super weak and i was really crampy and i’ve been too lazy to buy advil so i’ve been all hippie dealing with the pain, literally, weed (if it’s good enough for cancer patients) and just letting the cramps happen.

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went to marben after for a glass of wine and carly was gunned after a few sips that’s how pickled she is from tiff.

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ok so this post went off topic (slightly)(don’t they all though and isn’t that what my blog is all about anyway?) when i started being a martyr about how selfless i am hahahaha and apparently i come across as down to earth. ??????

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wow that isn’t even remotely sexy.

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we learned this move called the fireman’s pole. i sucked. well, i already know how to do some twirls but my brain is dyslexic and i just can’t do it the way i’m taught. carly was really good and smooth.

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coincidentally after all this i went to for your eyes only for a night cap with a date. only because it was closer to bier markt (horrible cake and service, rude to carly) and closer yet than that awful pub i went to two sundays ago. i have a habit of going back to places that suck, i blog that they suck, then i go back for more suck and yep, they still suck. see how i am an abuse enabler? please remind me i want to go to that adorable pub at the corner of wellington and portland. so charming and irish aghhh that’s the type of place that makes me want to have a boyfriend.

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being in this class and then later seeing the skills put to practice (in the club), well, mad respect. i am keeping my blogging job though. met a guy through a guy friend recently told him i was quitting my bar job, now this person knows of me through bartending, not blogging first, so he thinks i’m an idiot with nothing else going on for me. i’ve had a lot of these conversations recently but anyway i say no i’m not getting another job because i am a writer, pause, blogger. he cuts me off and smugly says that i should just say that i’m a writer and keep the blogger part a secret. i snapped at him and said actually no, i shouldn’t. blogging has opened so many doors for me more than many writers i’ve ever met. i’ve been meaning to do one of my raymi signature railroading blog yelling manifestos for awhile now inspired by this moment in time. i am proud to be a blogger. i am not sheepish about it at all in any way shape or form. i listed off on four hundred fingers all the opportunities blogging has gotten me, parties, concerts, fame, merchandise, money and then i said so that is why i will not say writer and hide the blogger. a blogger is so much more than a writer. a blogger transcends. ten years of my life is shackled to this it’s the longest relationship i’ve ever had. a blogger is dedicated. a writer, starves. ahha ok ok i’m both i’ll shut up.

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i’m pretty sure i tangented at him in a very smug tone oh yeah, i should be embarrassed? did you know i made my fucking self famous off this blogging thing i’m supposed to keep secret according to you, whom, might you be by the way? no seriously. who the fuck are you? then everyone at the table laughs finally cos my change of tone had released some tension thank christ. i get very indignant and defensive. i am ready to fight a war at the drop of a hat. it’s terrible. deal with it. you think you’re taking someone lying down when you meet me but you’re wrong and i apologize. this only happens when i meet someone equally as defensive as i am so can i really be to blame? it’s like 50% my fault so i’m not that much of a monster. sorry for challenging you intellectually. i think this is why the whole (hater) commenting on (my) blog thing works for me and in an over-saturated medium (blogging/social media) i stand out because my voice is so, angry at the world. i got heart and half the time i am an idiot so it all works.

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i wish i had upper body strength. i could not climb the rope in gym class. seriously, who climbs a rope? not this guy and not happening.

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i had to get chalk for my hands to make it tacky as the pole gets slick fast if you sweat a lot like i do. the girl was like not too much cos it will get too tacky. um my sweat disintegrated that chalk immediately i could go through an entire bag.

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carly was mesmerized and enchanted. it’s a fun environment, the lights are cozy, my favourite desctriptive word. the facilities are pink, which i love. hot pink chandaliers, pink boxing gloves, inviting and girly. no boys allowed is the best part.

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pink balls that photograph orange.

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kinda pink here.

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conveniently located too, spadina/wellington. you can tell money has been pumped into the place as the facilities are gorgeous and the instructors are pros.

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can’t you picture a girl’s night out/in beginning here? wine pole dance movie rental crying on the couch trash talking men cathy comics chocolates… in fact i saw a flirty girl fitness demo last year at the precious metal gala and knew one of the girls, daina. also played against her in dodgeball. look how fit she is.

Flirty Girl Fitness from raymi lauren on Vimeo.

she said they keep it sporty as it can go pervy just like that when a bunch of dudes are watching a demo. this was an all chick event put on by harley davidson. i went alone and felt awkwaaaard. woah check my hair out in there i’m not looking i don’t want to get trapped in my archives. it happens. meanwhile i purposely selected the perviest screen shot for my vimeo video. prick.

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now this is more like it i want to try something like this.

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and i want to box with pink gloves on.

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had to stop myself from breaking out the jazz moves alone in here. sometimes at my gym i am tempted to use the empty studio room but then everyone would watch and i’m too shy for that they think i’m mental enough as is in the crazy outfits i wear.

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dreamy. i want a pink chandalier. i want TWO pink chandaliers. i want i want i want.

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would i do this again? well not pole dancing but everything else totally. i still think you should try it (pole dancing) you’re probably a better listener than i am. i didn’t take it as seriously as i should have because i know my body’s limits and i’m stubborn. like, i will never get the knack of knitting. or putting a duvet cover on. or enjoy the sound of accents. people just have their “things” and you can’t fuck with that but i WILL be going there today for something so maybe i’ll bump into one of you, or something else this week. i think i’ve convinced them to let me take someone with me to take more photos. if they say no then fine no more coverage i’ll just treat it like an actual work out and tell you about the results with wooooords.

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i should see how much those pants are i bet they’re cheaper than lululemon (dumbest word ever).

ok byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

no wait there’s more!

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tickle trunk land. britt came by the other day before i cleaned my room and was like uhh is this what your brain looks like? yes. it does, i said. my mom used to say a messy room means a messy mind. clutter free room, clutter free mind. we were spoiled rotten and never had to do chores as kids, or clean our rooms so our rooms were always trashed. my mom would pay neighbourhood kids to clean my room isn’t that retarded? close friends of family kids, they got to go through all my things so many things i couldn’t even catalogue what i had so when my mom would let them leave with my shit i’d see something around the neighbourhood and be like HEY THATS MY FUCKING SHIRT! stuff would be missing for months and i wouldn’t notice til i saw it. i found so much shit next door at kristi’s grrrrrrrr mom so pissed what the hell is wrong with you?

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i love knowing a sous chef. especially one at marben. guess who is eating this city. jesus wait’ll you see what happens tomorrow and the night after. anyway alex wouldn’t let me leave until he made me something. his delicious bass was so delicious (when do you get to go napoleon dynamite reference in real life ever and mean it? never!) carly ate it and she’s vegetarian! you know how alex and i met? he insulted me on twitter in his feed. i screamed back at him. he said @raymitheminx you’re such a fuck’n show off. so i DM’d him (i don’t give people i decide to be enemies with attention in my feed) YOU REALIZE THIS IS MY FUCKING JOB ASSHOLE something to that effect. love at first sight hahahaa. thanks for the food (and the wine) alex!

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ending the night on a sad relevant note.

hahaha GO LIFE!