and i was in the darkness so darkness i became

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welcome to the burlington times. today’s headline: NOTHING IS GOING ON. hahahahha.

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does my tattoo look like a bratz doll to you? someone said that at the bar once and i almost brained them. another one i’ve gotten is betty boop. how lazy are these people? some chicks know it’s a blythe doll though, once they realize that they become nicer to me cos they learn that i reside in the upper echelon area of cool.

prepare thyself for a gritty bitchy blog post, rife with snark. this computer is slow as shit and my brain is clocking 150km/hr i am beyond under-stimulated. i’ll take it out on the blog. if you could see how much my bangs are sticking straight up on end right now from frustration a la that scene in tommy boy when farley loses it in the office of the potential break pad buying client you would laugh until you died. as for me i simply just want to die as this is hyper-annoying i can’t tell you how little i’ve accomplished since sitting down at this thing.

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gwen stefani doll has the same stupid haircut i have WAY TO RUIN SUMMER IDIOT.

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i’ve been prepared to tan for the last three hours. have i done that yet? ugh.

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page three spread of the burlington beat. still pretentious kitchen life. this was funny to me last nite in a red wine buzz overtired tequila soda vortex. i woke up hung today and i barely drank last nite i guess it’s residual hangover from p&l nite. i think eating like a rabbit isn’t a very good base. who cares guy this trick is leaning the fuck out.

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whattagwan?

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my brother’s gf made a comment about my 3/4 face giving poses. says she noticed that i do that a lot. oh, hmm, really. detected a little borderline snark there. should i mug shot pose or vamp, what do you enjoy looking at more? it’s all moot anyway as i look stupid as fuck in this photo.

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dinner. people are endlessly amused by my eating selections. and repulsed.

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yesterday’s pre-workout intake. fascinating i know. i do the tuna salad so often i can tell the difference between every batch they make. this one was good cos it was very low on mayo. the first time i bought some it was like hi can i have 150 grams of mayonnaise thanks!

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how i look without lovehandles being smothered (camouflaged) by shorts. i had epic cramps and was beastly menstrual bloated, the abdominal machine took care of my cramps. i bike half naked to torture myself and inspire myself to get fit. like, if i want to look hot and ripped naked then i have to bike naked. it’s punishment for getting blubbery. also i sweat profusely by the time i get to the gym there is no point in wearing a shirt AND free bike tan multi-task. i think i have to invest in some legitimate workout clothes a la lululemon which will be me eating words like crazy. if you’ve been following along for years then you’ll know i have made an ass ton of dickhead lululemon jokes before. anyway i’ve lost five pounds of real weight not just fluke somehow woke up lighter weight and then was heavy again at the end of the night, you know what i mean? hopefully because i sure as hell don’t.

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tweeted this a bunch already. i’m in this week’s NOW go get a copy or like fifty and make a raymi collage. melodie’s photo is beside mine too and she looks so beautiful i want to barf.

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how many name droppers does it take to fill parts & labour? zero because all the name dropping happens on the sidewalk out front while your eyeballs roll back in their sockets.

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hailey is the most beautiful girl ever and she’s developed an attitude and wit to her it’s awesome and going to be trouble. gave her a pair of hipster shades, black fakebans with hot pink sides.

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suburban loungewear. i can’t rotate this because i am using an unsupported IE browser from when the internet was invented. i’ll hazard a guess that this shot is just as shitty the other way around, no mystery, no contest. the stupid strawberry shortcake shorts are from 69 vintage.

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i love joan’s aladdin outfit (RIP) on the right. i forget what this occasion was, we went out to fancy dinner someplace.

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my grandpa gave us money everytime we visited. he’d palm it and shake our hands or slip it in our back pocket. generous baller. miss him a lot.

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i remember my dad going OH BOY when this was taken. vision of the future much? god i miss that backyard.

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i look like hailey here. that’s my uncle mike. he was blasted and fell down each and every fucking stair for the big SANTA IS HERE reveal for all us kids. hands down the funniest thing ever EVER. he couldn’t see the top stair from the beard obscuring his vision then straight bailed like a boulder gaining momentum down a hill. he laid in a pile of his sack of presents at the landing while we all laughed our asses off. i am cry laughing right now envisioning it. the kerouac side of the family never fails to entertain. it was extra funny because he bellowed out at the top HO HO HOOOOOoooooooo screaming all the way down we were hyper and impatient for presents after dinner then it finally happens and he fucked it all up. my papa was pissed cos he normally did santa for us.

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my mom let me play hooky from school (i was a brainer so it didn’t matter) this day and took me shopping. i remember feeling nervous and humiliated by this rabbit. i didn’t understand what the big deal was about NEEDING a photo with it. holy how things have changed. i’d be straddling that guy air guitaring with my leg in a photo these days. also, remember those stupid jackets?

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retarded dowdy fashions. nice fake smile mom. those dolls were an expensive big deal, they cried when they were apart and laughed when they were together.

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my dad is goofin’, mom looks bored out of her mind and irritated, i look like a brat and my uncle makes me crave fish sticks and scotch.

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homestead cottages. that bathingsuit ruled though my friend brooke told me off about it once, she wanted me to wear my other one piece with hot yellow leopard print and zipper up the middle cos this one embarrassed her. i bet she was just jealous cos i had a stomach shower suit and her suit sucked. we were always in competition apparently. man i was so daft then, so gullible and genuinely nice, always treated like garbage by other chicks. thanks ladies! brett on the right was clocked in the head by a sideview mirror by a passing van and got brain damage. so sad. wonder what happened to that family. this guy was such a character, like, gonna do something, be somebody type. tragic.

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wore my headband all hipster before hipster was hipster. i was chosen to receive that cheap stuffed thing cos my babysitters were the ones in charge of the gifts or something and i clearly was the awesomest kid in the naybe. that’s dale as santa, my first virginity-stealing boyfriend’s dad. guys, endless information. i got it.

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big ass birthday party at the bowling alley. why do i always look confused about what’s going on in photos? i so didn’t like my picture being taken then. i felt ugly duckling all the time. that outfit ruled though. two piece. that’s kristi with me she’s practically family. our moms are/were besties.

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uhhhh nice hair? i’m 6 here. almost missed this ceremony cos my dad got a speeding ticket. seriously mom why are my bangs so fucked?

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i remember this moment and hating it, refused to smile, hugging self to try to be as invisible as possible. hated pictures. i am so shy here. that’s brett again. our families planned our week at the cottage at the same time. his sister lisa is beside him and the blond kid who looks like steve martin showed me his wang. gross. i had a crush on brett.

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do you know the frandiscos? that’s jonathan in the beetlejuice pants and his little brother in the back mugging like a goon. the awesome what is me and my backward suspenders is pretty obvious.

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jonathan and i were best friends from kindergarden to grade eight, childhood boyfriend and girlfriend too whatever that shit’s not real but anyway, i take credit for all the cool he copied all the music i liked. we got in trouble all the fucking time for talking in class and rippin’ jokes. each year we got placed in the same classes was like a secret burn on our new unsuspecting teacher, we’d sit near each other and hold court for hours. you know who invented the term “jonafran” i did, hybrid of jonathan and his last name.

ok wieners it’s high sun time. i wasted the day and this post sucked now i hate myself. going to the drive in tonite with ginger. so stoked.