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i have zero patience i am totally on my period totally not pregnant (thanks mom) totally totally totally done staring at the flickr % number get higher in slow motion. bleh. last nite i went to ultra for my very first time. it was pretty much exactly as i expected it to be except better maybe. better because i got to mooch off my new friends’ bottle service perch, and cupcakes. bottle service can be deadly cos you’re essentially drinking goblets of vodka. the ratio is like 3:1 vodka for the lead.

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here i am with my other new friend, a bag of cheeseburger doritos. it’s the willy wonka of flavours. when violet beauregarde has that gum she can taste the soup pouring down her throat. the distinct flavour of relish and ketchup and whopper and mayo all that can be detected. doritos’ best flavour yet i hope it sticks around long enough for when i’m skeletor later down the road i intend to eat a big bag like a roast beef dinner and chase it down with some OE and a massive blunt cos i ghetto like that.

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aww look at my dumb little face i’m so cute and goofy looking all the time. poor face. it’s like never not contorted stupidly.

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just let me get these boring body photos out of the way then we’ll get on to the better stuff. flickr was not co-operating yesterday when i was being conceited over my last post so these are the leftovers. i am really glad i started working out again its done wonders for my spirit. i biked/trecked across the city hmm lets see, from ginger’s where i crashed one way then biked to gym then home then to work then home again then to ultra then home again. i feel like i could totally be a bike courier, i motor pretty good, i ride my grandpa’s bike like it’s a courier bike and i see looks on the faces of members of the courier cliques like they’re all impressed.

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i’m worried about winter and how i’ll get my fix then. i’ll have to join the gym in liberty village cos there is no way i’m biking to yonge street from parkdale in a blizzard. i’ll worry about it when the time comes. my body weight fluctuation has a pattern i feel. this time last year, well in september really, is when i joined my gym. i got ripped for a month then i moved to burlington once we split up and stopped working out but was able to maintain my figure. though i think that has a lot to do with the stress of the time as well as drinking less and taking up weed. hopefully metabolism bounces back once summer is over. hopefully i will get a lobotomy and stop worrying and blogging about this sometime, like, ever.

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these are my new friends, courteney and jeannine the girl who gave me a brainer aka a super. i dunno why but i’m always slightly shocked when girls like me. like of course you should like me i am awesome but you know, it’s so much easier to be mean so i really admire kindness to dopes like me.

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told you this post would be retarded. this is how they got uploaded. collingwood perfectionist neighbourhood at the base of a ski hill. ENTITLED!

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you could cut my jealousy with a knife.

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sighballs.

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back to this bliss. i may or may not have polished off the last swig straight from the bottle. pure class. no point in pouring out a dollop into another glass.

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body and dress to die for. she’s from oakvegas too. bet we know some of the same a-holes.

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i looked like a total potato, menses bloated but under there is a four-pack. beast says i am ectomorphic. doesn’t take long to get me in shape. Ectomorphic: characterized by long and thin muscles/limbs and low fat storage; receding chin, usually referred to as slim. consult the almighty wikipedia.

ok more collingwood bluevillage now…

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the olympus made it so for the first time in years there were more photos of others than of myself. i already have to give it back too i am fucking bummed and angry but i’ll get it back. i guess serves me right for waiting so long to start using it. maybe i’ll just go buy a new camera? no no no i already need a laptop that is priority one i cannot believe i don’t have a laptop sponsorship. you guys are fucking stupid and i hate you thanks for nothing.

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to say we got a lot of attention this weekend would be an understatement. you should always somewhat co-ordinate outfits if you’re going out as a pack (of slut wolves) you’ll have so much more fun and you can fuck with people. the celebrity bug starts small then it takes on this crazy powerful form all its own, especially during a time when people are kind of looking out for famous people? like film fest week in toronto, rubbernecked like crazy in yorkville meanwhile you’re just carting crap around from whole foods STOP LOOKING AT ME YOU TOURIST! woah the coffee is strong today. i am also getting rickets from lying down in the same position for hours typing and emailing also maybe from all that biking and working out yesterday AND working AND dancing. i am a machine.

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awww. what a great team we made/make. i want to brain the haters you stupid little kifey bitches you have no idea what fun is.

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oh my god i love tourist watching and husbands with wives (WHO MIGHT BE BUMMED ABOUT THEIR MARRIAGES OMG BLOG FIGHT! CATTLE!) walking around in circles and bad outfits.

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bailed on this place. line-ups i don’t do ‘em. the next place we went to the hostess was a total cunt. yeah you’re strung out stressed for the weekend but here’s the thing, if you work in the hospitality industry TRY FUCKING BEIN’ HOSPITABLE! so rude. and then they denied casie‘s photo id, well, were on the fence about it i coulda smooth-talked it into happening but decided you know what, you don’t deserve our money or coverage, you deserve your deep-set stress wrinkle line face to get even more tanned and leathery for next season until they fire you over being rude to every single gaggle of chicks who arrive without a reservation, the audacity. half the restaurant was dead in there, we could have sat at the bar. you made a stink about a reservation like a ridiculous cliche get the fuck over yourself. i could feel carly‘s blood boiling from behind me. i know we were being base-judged on how we looked. people-intuition is my thing, maybe more so than writing (debatable i don’t care i can write circles around you if need be) and i know i judge people like crazy but i’m certainly not blatantly upfront rude to their faces about it. sure yeah we looked like goofs but for all she knows we’re toronto’s media swooping in to show everyone how much of a good time we’re gonna be having in collingwood, and guess what we WERE so, way to blow it stupid restaurant i already forget the name of.

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see how much of an amazon i am compared to these twerps? see how much i am ignoring my surroundings completely? actually i’m checking my bb for the photo that was just taken of us on it to tweet or preparing it for a photo to be taken to tweet. rinse and repeat 400000 times and jonathan blasting his head off with irritation. whatever guy, i’m working.

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yup still ignoring. i love it when someone in your vicinity finally has the snark on ‘em to quip about all the photowhoring. i clear my throat and haughtily (justifiably so) retort, SHE’S WORKING. or I’M WORKING. then they shut up and i give them my card. it’s true. photos don’t take them fucking selves you know.

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gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

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ever take a cute picture of someone so good it makes you fucking angry?

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now THIS restaurant treated us right. they dragged every single heat lamp post over. smart guys.

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gorgeous patio with a view of the shit show bar kaytoo across the way where we partied later that nite.

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lauren is really good at pretending to look interested in what people have to say.

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see? ten out of ten interested. me i just kinda ask questions, get the basic info and tune everything else out. haha can’t help it i’m a spazz.

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fleet of foxy server men.

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ordered us saganaki. those peasants never had it before.

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and i chose the wine because i am a man.

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yes this is good enough for me, everyone it’s ok, we can drink this. haha i love pretentious wine-sampling as if you can turn down the bottle. awkward.

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no pictures? absurd.

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to getting tanked.

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yes everyone she ate get over it already some people are just skinny.

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skip to saturday nite after party waaaasted.

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check this smoldering brit, production manager of wakestock. someone haz a crush on teh raymz.

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took ma weave out.

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can you imagine if i wore my denim onesie too? i feel like the nite would have turned out differently. do you ever feel that way about certain ensembles you wear? like if you wore the baby doll dress rather than the paintsuit, maybe that bro wouldn’t have spoken to you?

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wake n bakestock at the beav and bulldog sunday morning. hungstock more like.

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holy shit dynamite asstock. i will be arrogant about my ass until the day it drops which will be never ever ever. good genes i got. ass tan lines maintained year round fyi. oh my god when is this post over i wanted to work out today looks like i’m out of time.

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another vip perk, stretch limo golf cart rides back and forth on site from car to backstage. walking is for chumps.

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i am such a bro.

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casie and i’s famous pose. there are tons of photos of us since the day we first met talking to each other like this. if a spazz falls in the woods and another spazz is spazzing around how long before one’s heart explodes from adrenaline speed talking?

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such a blob. back to nite one.

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i love this photo. share the stage girls. no not them, you.

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such a good look for you case.

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mmmmmmmmomfg saganaki. i have a video of it being flambéed youtube gave it the finger cos i was doing too many things at once here i’ll try again.

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how greasy does your face feel right now?

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so dreamy and romantic.

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i demand one hot boyfriend RIGHT NOW.

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i have sorely missed arty pretentiously tedious photo taking.

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flash try out.

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still light out.

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nothing like good wine.

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pretty good prosciutto fig and goat cheese. could make easily myself though. foodies are such snobs i love it.

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no one else at the table had ever had a fig before. guys what do you eat, rocks in a cave? holy shit.

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mmmmmmmmdying.

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carly’s pasta was really good albeit veggie. this food snob ok’d it.

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treat us right, we’ll do the same.

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to be filled with douchebags very soon. we line-jumped here too. telling ya, blond hair = skeleton key. maybe sailor hats too.

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starbuck’s run. a girl with no shoes on (how do you lose shoes in that village wtf were you up to??) and mascara cry face came in with a friend wasted and sat down. very trainwrecky. casie and i looked at each other knowingly and whispered ok lets not be that this weekend hahahhahaa aw. i don’t think any of us cried once so that’s a win for sure.

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i love o’nizzle. she’s 3 years younger, into bright shiny things like me and cos she’s younger more impulsive so she got to be bad guy and took a handful of these straws THAT WE NEEDED DON’T QUESTION IT BIPOLAR NEED THE END.

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don’t have rainbow slurpy straws out in the open if you don’t want them grabbed at.

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that guy seriously lectured her about it too. oh fuck off dude do you really want those straws back? we spent 50 bucks here now eat it who are you the mayor of straws?

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smoke perch view.

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can see the pool from here but the picture came out blurry. we made zero use of the facilities on hand, too busy to.

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i smell another photoshoot on the horizon.

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uh oh here we go now.

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slept in my extensions from beerfest nite. totally hot and greasy. whateverrrr. casie has the same shoes as me and the same bed. casie casie casie EXPLOSION.

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oh look we’re on a bed and we’re doing things. quirky things.

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i love loft. is this a loft?

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energy shots for the spazzes. necessary? i’ve been hitting them quite a bit lately.

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another angle.

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zeugari vom. when my three and a half pack turns into a rippling 8 pack i will try out these babes again.

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bahaha lauren has my bikini bottoms in a death-claw grip. what a pervert.

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i wanted all the suits organized like how backstage burlesque outfits are all laid out (ps that’s on hold for me for now if you were wondering i was just trying to manage too many things and i couldn’t kick my awful funk) they just look so nice photographed that way.

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a bit overkill. we had 4 each. if it didn’t rain sunday we’d have worn more. i think lauren rocked a suit everywhere we went though?

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wearing my old standby black reversible i bought in LA. when that thing dies i will be so sad. i should replace it now before too late. i work out in it too, bike all over city in it. it’s perfectly melded to my body.

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casie get out of my shot!

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ugh that bruise on my arm.

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she was so happy to get her cub scout shirt back.

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the smokahontas suit i wore the next day.

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demanding spazz.

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pillow placement is boss.

ok i’ve had enough of this shit.

SKANKSTOCK CONTINUES LATER.

speaking of, a dumpy chick screamed SKANKS! out at us when we were walking to the car after kaytoo. she scurried away with her boyfriend (who went home to furiously beat off about us) like a coward. oh no she did not just say that. i yelled back WHATEVER DUMPY SWEATER! she was wearing a green hoodie with the pocket fronts on the stomach so warped from her bitchy insecure fat stomach hands always in there. why would you yell that crap out at strangers? we could have chased you down and reacted all crazy. such nerve. such stupid hilarious nerve. poor girl.

ok bye for real now don’t hate me because i’m insane only because i’m beautiful.