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have been on a bit of a pimm’s tear. over it now.

bourdain boner!

snuck out with melodie to get some sun and reading in.

flickr has scattered the order of my pictures as usual.

i need to shrink this dress. why’s it so bulky, it’s a small.

so bummed here. so so bummed. pathetic.

oh yes, the shirt. some things get rotated more frequently than others and then you are feeling picture-takey-posey then it’s like the only shirt you seem to wear.

wasn’t sure if would make it through this. this is what my g20 looked like. toronto no thanks.

my waiter was really hot and i felt like we had a “thing” going on between us but i couldn’t very well go over and be like um i am going to circle around again once we leave and pretend i left something here and slip you my number. should have though. now i’ll have to wait it out for some other time that will not happen and the guy probably won’t work there anymore. we were both wearing the same shade of blue shirt. we were both frauds.

chocolate espresso butter. i blogged this already right? whatever, it’s insane. so good.

behold the vision what is trish.

and then she is gone. we know each other from elementary school. i bore everyone with that tidbit every time i see her.

rob the slob.

emo asshole vortex.

that yellow stuff on the side is pate beneath fat, or butter. ridiculous. i am such a heffer now. partly why i’m so depressed. vicious cycle.

this is torture.

third triangle point arrives.

virgin suicides vision. then i went on a crappy date with a guy and his weird shaped face. it was down to two guys, knew i wouldn’t like either of them. one wanted to go to reposado. i couldn’t be bothered to humour that guy anymore cos his hair was thinning too much so i last minute-cancel-swapped. the one i met up with was way too short. i am never meeting anyone else off that stupid fucking website. the free drinks and food isn’t worth it anymore. my time is too valuable, these dinks are just so exhausting. i can’t even muster up enough energy to exploit them here which is half the point of the “meeting”. i just look at them and think, he’s not him, why am i here. i also do not appreciate another round when i go to the bathroom and have already stated i was finished.

as much as i love eating i am sick of eating. and drinking. something that was at first such a joy and still is, is now seen as an, i dunno. there is something more right? it’s travel. all i see before me is night after night after night of dinner and wine and then bed and then rise. i am the worst company ever right now basically.

half blinking ghost. a guy sat down behind him wearing the same sized checked print shirt, slightly different shade of colour.


post work slob.

MORE pate.

i want a pizza oven.

garbage fish pizza. sardines and anchovies simultaneously is like coke and pepsi at the same time. pointless.

as if i’ll be able to resist doing this at work. drowning gelato in espresso. except we have just ice cream. so good.

this post was incredibly difficult to get up and i can’t even express why. i just feel weighted down. i regret yesterday’s post because i realize i won’t be able to shake these blues right away and it irritates me quite a bit. i also received a lot of nasty comments yesterday which appalled me. apparently i shine some joy on people (who sometimes need it) via this blog, you’d think the favour would be returned at some point or other and not shitty abuse. OMG YOU WANT ATTENTION YOU LIAR! i was accused of SO TOTALLY ASKING FOR ATTENTION when i said i didn’t want it because i left my comments on. please, if i knew my website nerd’s email off by heart i woulda written in a heartbeat to turn this shit off. i barely had time to even write that post, i just felt like i needed to get it out cos it’s my goddamn given right to express myself freely and this is my outlet. whatever it takes right?

If you knew how much I was actually hanging on by a fucking thread here I don’t think you’d say such (terrible) things.

I cannot even be completely miserable without getting shit on. Ever. Fuck you.

a comment i posted yesterday not sure if it went through.

i’m going to visit the skids in thunder bay next week once and for all.

40 thoughts on “I AM HAPPY

  1. you don’t need to explain yourself, really, anyone who has only shit to say is full of shit. Simplistic, but true. You know some people troll blogs just looking for the right kind of post they can attack, it makes them feel better about their own empty lives, they aren’t even really hearing you anyway good or bad. They aren’t worth the effort.

  2. leave, take a break, don’t share. your readers are not so fickle, (haha i wrote fuckle the first time. shoulda left it) and will be here waiting for you when you get back.

  3. it’s not so easy. you can’t just “leave” the internet. this is also part of my livelihood and method of getting over shit. it’s gonna be all part downerisms for the next little bit. tough.

  4. your last dance video was sooo endearing.
    yah people are out of control.
    sorry you’re feeling down.
    the “is this all there is?” blues are some of the worst.. i still get them sometimes and feel guilty every time i do.
    trip away is a good idea.

  5. You do shine joy on people, so please don’t go away.

    I agree with Gage- there will always be those people who piss down on on others. It’s a sick way they make themselves feel better. Anyway, please stay strong and remember there are people out here you don’t know who do like you!

  6. you made the right decision, and i don’t even say that with any selfish reasons. you basically booked a trip to the cottage for a week, we have the worlds quietest backyard and 2 hammocks and my garden is serene and green and breezy and you are going to feel great. ma and pa skid will take good care of you. can’t wait to see you. xo.

  7. Why is it that the people on the internet are such assholes? Oh right, because they can hide behind it like the twating assholes they are.

    I’d say look on the bright side but I’ve been pretty down myself lately and when someone told me to look on the bright side all it did was make me PISSED.

    I guess it just makes things feel amazing when they do get better because anything is better than now?

  8. i think the confrontation you’re encountering is coming
    from the same place that your dad made his comment from…
    on the surface of things – at least what the readers see – your life doesn’t seem very stressful. you seem to have lots of free time; you’re single and free to do what you like, when you like and you live in a big city with endless attractions and distractions.

    think of the flipside for people your age: you could be a young professional with a full-time job in the corporate world, which comes with heavy-duty responsibilities and unreasonable expectations. add a relationship or family to that and it can get ugly i imagine. i don’t know, maybe you’d want more of those problems and maybe folks in that position would want more of yours. what i told myself in college turned out to be right… enjoy what you’re doing now because at some point in the future it will seem like the easy life.

    also, listen to jazz-funk (not stuffy old man jazz) and dance down the streets to it.

  9. Nice to hear you are feeling somewhat better
    It hurts to hear when my kids are down but It really is a normal part of life
    You are strong and happier days will be here again:)

    Papa Kerouac would end the night with his usual “and tomorrow will be a better day”:)

  10. P.S. I really had a laugh at what you wrote about your latest dating site experience
    it can be exhausting, and the girlfriends amuse me with their constant similar stories to yours

    I guess it would be rude to meet someone and in the first two minutes say “Nope, just not feeling it” Ok bye

  11. It will get better!!… and then get worse again…. but then better again! I think that is just the way. Ride it out. “They” say it will all be worth it in the end or something like that.

  12. shit. i am a comment asshole and I don’t feel better. I feel about the same, although I don’t check my vital signs after cyber farting here. A snarky so and so like you self admittedly shallow
    at least some of the time just has to suck it up. that’s all. The so-called “haters” often give you better justice than the raymi lovers who are blowing you for their own dumb-ass reasons.

  13. ya, i read ur post yesterday and was still thinking about it today. i was also thinking of the comments ppl left admitting they were/are going through the same. i do too. way too much. it sucks and it doesn’t even help to know there are others out there going thru the same cuz ur so wrapped up in your own depressive state, just makes u more depressed. it’s worse when ppl don’t understand because they’ve never been on ‘the verge’ in their lives and they ignorantly think irrational things like ur just crying for attention or ur spoiled blah blah…

  14. Hey Raymi,

    What are your thoughts on “The Bell Jar”? I recently re-read it and always find it so wonderfully written. A story with a hopeful ending. I like endings like that.


  15. I love the way you eat; and now I want to eat. but never the rich and scrumptious dishes you seem to always have; though I’m sure you don’t post every single meal that goes in your tummy right? Cause then there should be boring items for those days you’re too lazy to go grocery shopping or too broke from the night before to eat out. So to settle this in my mind, I’ve resolved you have at least 10 boring, non-postable meals per week, like Special k with soymilk, or rice cakes and sprite? Right? Anyways, I’m gonna eat now, and I won’t be posting it.

  16. By blogging about Chocolate Expresso Butter; you have lightened my mood and my day. Thank you ! I have a feeling you have introduced me to my new best friend!

  17. don’t know if it’s exactly relevant to this post but i think it is to you life:
    “being the same person across all platforms is actually the only sane way to use the Internet.”

    (this too shall pass)

  18. Hang in there pretty girl. People are not all mean. I think it’s so hard for you because you see the worst side of human nature on here and it is depressing. Most people are not like that. Surround yourself with good, happy, healthy people. So glad you’re getting out of dodge. Try going computer-free for 2 days too as a bit of a cleanse maybe?

  19. Hang in there, Raymi. If it’s one thing you can count on, people are assholes.


  20. Long shot and probably not but did the Beast work/live in Haliburton about 20 years ago & used to wear glasses? He seems somewhat familiar.

  21. I don’t know if my previous comment went through or not but if so, forget it. Wrong guy for sure. :)

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