two birds one stoner
master cleansing it. already feel so fucking faint plus i blew it twice having two coffees and tomorrow i’m going to be going off it entirely at the seafood for thought event. so what i am not eating today anyway regardless of the cleanse. i am 130lbs. i have been drinking way too much wine. that’s the thing. i never cleansed before because i didn’t smoke weed. when friends did it they had their weed vice to turn to. i did not. no cold turkey world through sober eyes for this bird, no siree.
so i’ve just had my first glass. it’s actually quite good. very in fact. i also bought some dandelion leaf tea to take my bloat away. will not be hitting the laxatives until wednesday. rose did this for 6 days and said she was able to work just fine and IF it comes down to requiring food to get through a shift at work then i’ll eat celery and cucumbers and grapes or whatever stupid thing i think of that tracy gold ate in her real life account made for tv movie about fucking up growing pains with her anorexia nervosa. salad.
i am just going to have to deal with sugar cravings. they’re from booze-withdrawal.
i feel crabby as fuck. my dad called and was like where are we going for dinner and i was like nowhere i’m not eating. boo. i am this close to talking myself out of this shit until wednesday. no no i want to look slightly less bloated for tomorrow amongst the elite foodies. hopefully everyone there will be a giant cow. god i get SO much satisfaction and enjoyment from food and wine. i remember sober nites with fil. IMFUCKINGPOSSIBLE. it’s like great now we’re going to be sniping at one another all nite long trapped in the condo cos we only leave to go to bars. day fasting is fine i am so used to going off fumes all day. it’s the night time that goes in slow motion.
so anyway tonite is going to be long unless i dope myself up hard enough and pass out at like 8pm. which i intend to. after this lunatic post i’m going to lie in the sun and have another glass of this retard potion cos if i faint at least i’ll already be lying down anyway BURN ON YOU DIZZY SPELL. also i can work on my tan. two birds one stoner. oh that’s going to be the blog post title. originally it was going to be GUESS HOW MUCH I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS.
something is up with my phone right now too. maybe it got too hot taking pictures of myself. yeah it definitely did.
dad loved his gift.
beast gave me this vespa shirt. it is so teeny tiny. bad timing on the size small after mandarin excursion. we are already in fat lazy wine couple who passes out on the couch mode. not happening. this twiglet needs to stay on the rail side to mind warp dudes all the more.
i spied a chick wearing awesome flats i’m not telling you the colour of or where she got them until i get myself a pair. i danced one of these flats until it ripped the other nite. stuck to the sticky floor of a place i cannot remember dancing at. was it at work? did i stick these in my bag? no it wasn’t there cos i was wearing white keds-like things. hmm this is bad i can’t remember right? when your life is a rollercoaster sorry what the fuck ever.
oh my god perfect read for right now.
last bit of sun. iced coffee cheesecake chocolate ice cream drink i made. dad said he bought the ice cream especially for me. i think he is in on the getting me fat scam so i have a nervous breakdown every time dude stuff doesn’t go my way so i stay single and then keep coming to visit him every week.
this is after a rack of ribs. a pile of chicken and half a potato skin. later on i inhaled half a tub of that fucking ice cream and went to town on some potato chips, pinot grigio and lots of fruit. FFFAAATTTT. double chin from trying to suck it in so hard.
she’s wearing my le chateau boots and i gave her that shirt. the wings are from that video i did with britt. shawn you are super fucked man.
pulled a mom, late picking me up cos was too busy blabbing.
walked to starbucks metro and the organic store like this. i also go baked and walk to the beat of my music. dance shimmied way home cos started to get a blister from my flip flops.
there are no skinny mirrors in hell.
grow faster hair! get passed the awkward shoulder length please. i feel like my mom.
greasy bangs juicy ass.
wait should i not make my dad suffer and say alright we can go out somewhere where i can have a nice salad and ONE glass of wine or should i suck it up and begin?
also what the fuck happened to my blackberry what do i doooooooo.
beast said i am going to be unbearable this week. fuck that YOU’RE unbearable! he said i won’t even be able to lift my arms. great.
ok my phone seems to be working again sort of. maybe i should give it a rest.
oh my god so boooooring maybe i should just go on a month long blow binge. kidding i am too cheap for that. holy shit period get here. it’s late cos of my iud for the millionth time.
altogether for this cleanse i spent 30 bucks. actually it’s going to cost more cos i’m going to have to get more ganj. fuck my life.
me: i said couple omg
beast: We have been, haven’t we? Just cuz I’m a non comital dick doesn’t mean we haven’t been a couple.
me: well its cos u have kids
your life goes into couch tv wine food pass out mode
WHERE IS LANCE ROMANCE
beast: Duh… what have I been telling you since we met.
should i just start this wednesday
so my dad doesnt have to suffer and we can go out to a restaurant
this is your one chance to read my mind and say what i want to hear
beast: I’m trying to read your mind… Number one – you are not fat. You are sexy as hell and I LOVE your body. I think you should be kind to your dad and body and start this cleanse on Wednesday morning. Because then you will give the thing a better chance of working. However, you will notice on the master cleanse site that they advise two days of prep – raw food, no red meat, reduced stimulants, etc. So, starve yourself a bit, have a sensible dinner (not Madarin) a laugh with daddy, and a fun night with the big beastly jerk you like tomorrow. How was that as far as mind reading?
fine salad and one glass of the best wine ever FINE. and don’t think for one second i’m following any of that food prep garbage.