free hit counter

two birds one stoner

master cleansing it. already feel so fucking faint plus i blew it twice having two coffees and tomorrow i’m going to be going off it entirely at the seafood for thought event. so what i am not eating today anyway regardless of the cleanse. i am 130lbs. i have been drinking way too much wine. that’s the thing. i never cleansed before because i didn’t smoke weed. when friends did it they had their weed vice to turn to. i did not. no cold turkey world through sober eyes for this bird, no siree.

so i’ve just had my first glass. it’s actually quite good. very in fact. i also bought some dandelion leaf tea to take my bloat away. will not be hitting the laxatives until wednesday. rose did this for 6 days and said she was able to work just fine and IF it comes down to requiring food to get through a shift at work then i’ll eat celery and cucumbers and grapes or whatever stupid thing i think of that tracy gold ate in her real life account made for tv movie about fucking up growing pains with her anorexia nervosa. salad.

i am just going to have to deal with sugar cravings. they’re from booze-withdrawal.

i feel crabby as fuck. my dad called and was like where are we going for dinner and i was like nowhere i’m not eating. boo. i am this close to talking myself out of this shit until wednesday. no no i want to look slightly less bloated for tomorrow amongst the elite foodies. hopefully everyone there will be a giant cow. god i get SO much satisfaction and enjoyment from food and wine. i remember sober nites with fil. IMFUCKINGPOSSIBLE. it’s like great now we’re going to be sniping at one another all nite long trapped in the condo cos we only leave to go to bars. day fasting is fine i am so used to going off fumes all day. it’s the night time that goes in slow motion.

so anyway tonite is going to be long unless i dope myself up hard enough and pass out at like 8pm. which i intend to. after this lunatic post i’m going to lie in the sun and have another glass of this retard potion cos if i faint at least i’ll already be lying down anyway BURN ON YOU DIZZY SPELL. also i can work on my tan. two birds one stoner. oh that’s going to be the blog post title. originally it was going to be GUESS HOW MUCH I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS.

something is up with my phone right now too. maybe it got too hot taking pictures of myself. yeah it definitely did.

dad loved his gift.

beast gave me this vespa shirt. it is so teeny tiny. bad timing on the size small after mandarin excursion. we are already in fat lazy wine couple who passes out on the couch mode. not happening. this twiglet needs to stay on the rail side to mind warp dudes all the more.

i spied a chick wearing awesome flats i’m not telling you the colour of or where she got them until i get myself a pair. i danced one of these flats until it ripped the other nite. stuck to the sticky floor of a place i cannot remember dancing at. was it at work? did i stick these in my bag? no it wasn’t there cos i was wearing white keds-like things. hmm this is bad i can’t remember right? when your life is a rollercoaster sorry what the fuck ever.

oh my god perfect read for right now.

last bit of sun. iced coffee cheesecake chocolate ice cream drink i made. dad said he bought the ice cream especially for me. i think he is in on the getting me fat scam so i have a nervous breakdown every time dude stuff doesn’t go my way so i stay single and then keep coming to visit him every week.

this is after a rack of ribs. a pile of chicken and half a potato skin. later on i inhaled half a tub of that fucking ice cream and went to town on some potato chips, pinot grigio and lots of fruit. FFFAAATTTT. double chin from trying to suck it in so hard.


she’s wearing my le chateau boots and i gave her that shirt. the wings are from that video i did with britt. shawn you are super fucked man.

pulled a mom, late picking me up cos was too busy blabbing.

walked to starbucks metro and the organic store like this. i also go baked and walk to the beat of my music. dance shimmied way home cos started to get a blister from my flip flops.

there are no skinny mirrors in hell.

grow faster hair! get passed the awkward shoulder length please. i feel like my mom.

greasy bangs juicy ass.


wait should i not make my dad suffer and say alright we can go out somewhere where i can have a nice salad and ONE glass of wine or should i suck it up and begin?

also what the fuck happened to my blackberry what do i doooooooo.

beast said i am going to be unbearable this week. fuck that YOU’RE unbearable! he said i won’t even be able to lift my arms. great.

ok my phone seems to be working again sort of. maybe i should give it a rest.

oh my god so boooooring maybe i should just go on a month long blow binge. kidding i am too cheap for that. holy shit period get here. it’s late cos of my iud for the millionth time.

altogether for this cleanse i spent 30 bucks. actually it’s going to cost more cos i’m going to have to get more ganj. fuck my life.

me: i said couple omg

beast: We have been, haven’t we? Just cuz I’m a non comital dick doesn’t mean we haven’t been a couple.

me: well its cos u have kids
your life goes into couch tv wine food pass out mode

beast: Duh… what have I been telling you since we met.

me: uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhm
should i just start this wednesday
so my dad doesnt have to suffer and we can go out to a restaurant
this is your one chance to read my mind and say what i want to hear

beast: I’m trying to read your mind… Number one – you are not fat. You are sexy as hell and I LOVE your body. I think you should be kind to your dad and body and start this cleanse on Wednesday morning. Because then you will give the thing a better chance of working. However, you will notice on the master cleanse site that they advise two days of prep – raw food, no red meat, reduced stimulants, etc. So, starve yourself a bit, have a sensible dinner (not Madarin) a laugh with daddy, and a fun night with the big beastly jerk you like tomorrow. How was that as far as mind reading?

fine salad and one glass of the best wine ever FINE. and don’t think for one second i’m following any of that food prep garbage.

33 thoughts on “two birds one stoner

  1. been kuckoo body dysmorphing out all morning by googling images of my height and weight haha.

    you do look amazing.

    wine + salad/no food = skinny and de-bloated next morning. red wine is good laxative.

    have fun bye!

  2. i think the rose white wine is largely to blame. once im done this garbage im going back to whiskey ice and soda water. but yes red wine and caesar made me crap my pants once.

  3. You look amazing. That body cleanse looks unhealthy and scary.
    I wish you could see you for what you really look like, which is a very pretty girl who is not fat and just be comfortable in your own skin.
    I know it sounds foreign to you, but with practice, you can get to this place of acceptance.
    Your mind is playing tricks with you.

    As for the right man. Don’t push it;
    the right man will come along for you , a much better fit.
    You need to be respected by the right guy, a genuine love.

    In the meantime, love yourself more, you are every bit worth it!

  4. Oh, so you’re in the exact SAME boat as me, then. I don’t believe in cleanses or any diet except the put less calories into yer gaping maw diet, but I will gladly join you for a head of celery as a side-dish to a great big bowl of absolutely nothing and a cup of clear tea.

  5. mom summer is for the skinny and i look like pregnant brad pit from fight club. the only reason i have torso indentations is cos im doing it. i miss my hip bones. too many people have made weight comments in the last little while so it’s too late. candice i want to kill myself i can not even picture you with weight on last summer you were the size of olive oil.

  6. i agree with your mom. eating when your hungry is key. as opposed to over indulgence. you don’t look like you’re pregnant but if you did want to lose some weight, do a cleanse, that’s fine however, even though i think they’re for lazy people unwilling to go for a run now and then, not that you’re lazy. I really really thing that exlax is going to drain you of your much needed few nutrients you have in your body while on it. the idea of a cleanse is to get rid of the bad. not to drain it of both the good and the bad so that you’re a hollow UNHEALTHY vessel. I know it’s a bizarre comparison but I heard this story about howie mandell that he used sanitizer on his hands so much that they were covered in warts, he’d killed both the good and the bad bacteria. Something similar will happen to your insides if you drain it of things it needs. Might I also add that will age you faster than you know, your body NEEDS food and fuel. Your skin will sag, dark circles under eyes will worsen etc etc. Look at pictures of anorexics. Starvation isn’t really the best look.

    Anyway, love you raymi, not saying you’re ‘wrong’ or dumb or anything. I just think that you’re hurting more than helping your prettyass self.

  7. So what is your ideal size? Or is there one for you? For myself, the skinnier I get the skinnier I want to be, and the fatter I think I am. It’s a total mind-fuck, so stupid. These days I am so exhausted of hearing not-fat people say they are fat, this society is insane, I think a confident, normal woman is sexier than any insecure skinny girl. And despite saying that, I know I am one of the insecures. I struggle every day with body image, it is a nightmare, those voices never shut up. I just hope some day you will see how gorgeous and impressive and eccentric you are, without worrying about that feared and dreaded FAT, you’re not fucking fat, Raymi!!!

  8. Summer is for the healthy, you do not look pregnant.

    The majority of your “real friends” will tell you the truth , that you are beautiful the way you are.

    Just do everything in moderation and a good hour of something physical everyday, for your body and mind.

    Exlax and negative body images is simply depressing and so unnecessary.

    Stop torturing yourself.

    Positive affirmations and get out walking after eating a healthy meal. Healthy in, healthy out and a healthy mind.


  9. I’ve got me a tum right now, looks kind of ridiculous. No waist. Looks like skinny celebrities look when every blog speculates that they’re pregnant on account of they’re period bloated or had a few beers because people don’t realize that a few pounds on a teeny person looks like a lot. And feels like a lot too, since relatively, it freakin’ is. And if people think they look pregnant, I must look that way, too. At least to idiots. Which is just about everybody, so to helllllll with it.

    I went from 120ish to 130 and I feel like Dumbo. Yeah, that’s silly but <= 120 is what I'm used to as a constant and 130 is also a change of at LEAST two pant sizes for me in about two weeks because it is WAY too damned easy to gain weight when you weigh less — you don't burn as many calories per day just by sitting on your ass, exercise burns less calories, but eating calories adds exactly the same amount, 3,500 calories is a pound. Plus it doesn't distribute itself over your entire body until you've been at a constant weight for a while, so this ten pounds is all around my middle. It'd give anyone else a complex, too.

    So whatever whatever whatever to what the internet thinks, 500 calories a day will do me for a while. I WILL PROBABLY DIE!

  10. You know what else is boring? Your fucking comment. Get a life. Everytime I blog my diets I get backlash and then the diet works. Shut the fuck up everyone. Seriously. Do u think I write this blog for guys????? Moron.

  11. someone said above “wine + salad/no food = skinny and de-bloated next morning”. in my opinion, salad does not equal no food because green salad is the most nutritious food. and therefore the more you eat it, the less hungry you will become. the more salad you eat the skinnier you will be. eating a big hunk of meat is a world apart from eating it WITH a giant salad.

  12. i think a lot of people/women feel the way you do. i agree with nicole, the skinnier i am the more skinny i would like to be. i LOVE your blog. you have the balls to live your life in a seemingly unabashed way. you lay it all out, good, bad, and ugly. if only more people could do that, there probably wouldnt be so much bullshit.

  13. Hey Raymi,
    I saw your burlesque show and I have to say that you have nothing to worry about. You have legs for days and the curves you do have are womanly/sexy. I was green with jealousy. There was another lass who was all ribs, doe eyes and knobby knees and I gotta say that it is overrated. Burlesque queens don’t body bash. Own it, you’re fabulous.

  14. also interesting…how long have you been on your previous diet? and now you STILL feel fat and have to cleanse…HM seems like it’s working great. maybe you should back off on the defense mechanism and take the advice of the people who care about you instead of looking like a DAMN fool for mixing exlax with a cleanse.

  15. i think you look amazing and i’d give up someone else’s first born for a body like yours. i admire how you ride your bike everywhere.. i should try doing that. i hope the cleanse goes well for ya! is that the stuff with cayenne pepper in it? does it taste semi-okay?

  16. elyse maybe you shouldnt comment anonymously on my blog eh and be a total bitch about it? its one fucking week, a fast/cleanse. my friends, ADULTS, successfully do it all the time with laxatives (that i have not even decided if i am going to bother with yet) and whatever gluten free as if that is’t a form of starvation dieting in and of itself.

    and no i do not pen a blog for strangers. i write for myself and it draws a crowd. lose your snotty tude dude the novelty is over.

  17. i’m on day 6 of the cleanse. the lemon/maple/cayenne is yummy. i heard someone say before that this is excellent training for anorexia. i personally get a kick out of this power/control trip. so much mastery over my body, my motivations, my needs, and behaviour. i also take tons of pleasure from food and wine, but it feels great to know that i’m able to shut off this need at will. i’m not miserable. energized, in fact. and my skin is the best. (all that h20). i’m also not fat, by any standards. just annoyed by some stubborn bulges. you, however, are skinny as a rake. but, whatever. take care, and see you soon – i intend to come by the central one of these lazy summer nights. best, Raymi!

  18. Wow. This cleanse really brings out the worst in everyone. Literally. I’ve tried this, once. It’s intense.

    There might be better ways to lose weight. There might be a healthier cleanse to try. However, this one DOES detoxify you very well. And, a great way to to see how far you can push your body without killing yourself – fun! You will not believe the shit that STILL comes out of your body days later after having consumed nothing but fucked syrup pepper water for the last 200 hours.

    You’re going to be a lethargic bloody nightmare.

  19. That cleanse thing isn’t the worst thing in the world. People need to mellow out. HOWEVER, if you’re doing it, do it. Don’t fuck about with caffeine or whatever.

  20. PS. I’m pouring that lemon pepper syrup shit water in your wine glass tonight at the Seafood thing.

  21. just to clarify. i’m not against the cleanse. the cleanse is fantastic. it’s the use of a a laxative WITH it that I find troubling, not that I really care since it’s your colon, not mine. I’m certainly not losing sleep over it.

    * gluten free isn’t starvation… at all. It’s also not a choice that I have, I didn’t choose to be gluten intolerant.

  22. Let us know how it goes. I’m interested in the… eating foods after it’s over stuff… Oh, and… if you think it’d be possible to do while you’re at work and stuff… at my work I walk around a lot etc… I wouldn’t want to poop my pants! I was considering it. Good Luck.

  23. You’re a beauty.
    Good luck with the cleanse. I think it’s weird ppl have opinions about what you put into your body. Haha I don’t know how you put up with it.

Comments are closed.