oh my fucking christ

can you see this stupid thing yet? the worst, just the worst. you take a week off from everything and then get forced to confront it. good fucking show, that.  the best is 4000 of the same email, tweet, fb message asking me if i know my blog is messed. really?  I WRITE ON THE GODDAMN THING EVERY DAY OF COURSE I FUCKING KNOW. thank you for adding to the stress pile and sorry for yelling. i am so behind i want to puke. my computer was infected too. tricky spam. the climate of late has been icing on the sweltering shit cake too.

look i held an iguana bearded dragon in streetsville.

the guy it belonged to was kind of a nutcase. you’d have to be to own one of these things and wear it on your shoulder. cool story.

so what have we been up to? well as previously mentioned we went to streetsville to hang with some old townie buds, not a bad time. drove back to the city cos they were all bored. really? this is a mini-toronto break for me why are you wanting to go baaaaaaack ugh fine i’ll take that fantastic voyage.

i went to cobourg and the weather was great. that forecast couldn’t have been more inaccurate. not complaining. i’ve loads of photos but now that my computer is mangled i can’t preview any of them. yes, everything has fallen to shit.

i give good grill.

I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. looks like i’ll be wearing my hair up all summer long. it’s too short for this heat. i look at old photos of my long hair and sigh my head off. yeah yeah it had to be done but still, no more mermaid for the time being just straight pebbles. another good news thing is i’ve put on like 15lbs out of nowhere. very fucking pleased about it. you do not want to be my friend right now. trust me.

hung brunch with everybody on their fake best behavior and cottage passive aggression sunk in way too soon which is most brutal for someone who is constantly the new girl everywhere they go. always on always smiling while inside, DYING.

oh perfect i’ve just discovered my laptop’s sound device is no longer working. incredible. you have no idea how much this glitch has messed with my game. hey hi there here’s my business card but don’t visit my blog because it’ll blow up your computer no really i’m legit. barf.

so anyone with laptop sponsoring hook-ups do let me know i am fully in charity case mode right now.

i joined a dating site. i know. desperate. after hearing billions of stories from my mom and all her coug girlfriends being addicted to it i figured what the hell. i can’t keep picking up dudes off the street or in bars or insane asylums. i figure it’s alright cos you know what’s up straight off the bat instead of playing eye tag all nite long in some shitty hipster dive with a guy who turns out has a girlfriend anyway, why waste my fucking time hombre?

i have loads of messages piled up i haven’t looked at cos i’ve been too repulsed by the state of my laptop and blog so who knows what’s waiting for me. i’m getting by on looks and charm alone over there, no raymitheminxing which will be great for you guys. date stories blog. i only joined a few days ago. went on one date last nite and it was really good. i say no more for now.

mer was my boyfriend last nite for the sex and the city sneak preview screening. she won us a gift bag. that movie was, um, totally shitty and totally fine. you pretty much get exactly what you expect from it. outdated slang, way too many unfunny puns, retarded unrealistic outfits, stupid soundtrack, a plot that relied way too hard and long on united arab emirates. meh. if you’re going to experience that one way or another eventually you may as well do it surrounded by all of toronto’s media PR who the fuck are these people type crowd instead of renting it in secret and watching it in a cave. i never watched the shows, i am not that type of girl, though i could be? whatever, it was a fun time pouring vodka out of meredith’s flask into our complimentary diet cokes, shoveling gift bag chocolates into my mouth and popcorn, snickering and heckling our way through it. i could watch a dumptruck reverse in slow motion for an hour and be perfectly content.

i severely doubt any kid is happy that their parent shops here.

here’s a dumb story before i go.

so on friday it’s awful gorgeous out right, i decide to walk to grab some ganj for the weekend in my beautiful blue maxi dress i have not taken out since i bought it around christmas time. on my days off i amble. it’s free, it’s a good thing to do baked, you cruise and be cruised. my plan was to also walk to union and grab my bike and ride it home in time to pack to go away for the weekend. i figured it might be the only sun i see all weekend long. so i’m walking listening to my zune, feeling great, i make it through bellwoods and just as i’m hitting dundas i notice my left white canvas shoe has blood all over it. my blood. from the inside. soaked through. what. the. fuck. no i did not notice the wet blood feeling i thought it was just sweat as your feet get moist in those guys sans socks. also, the pain was all focused on my right toe cos i stubbed it on my dad’s patio a few days prior. i sit on this bench out front of that delicate fancy diner on dundas feeling like a total scumbag and try to assess why the hell my foot is bleeding and from where. couldn’t even find the site wound there was so much blood and it didn’t even hurt. at all. baffling. i go inside and attempt to clean it up only making it worse, spreading the stain. these shoes are fucking toast.

gruesome.

when the course of your day is to revolve around walking, you kind of get a little down about a thing like a blood-soaked sweaty white canvas shoe. also by now my heels are starting to kill. everything’s breaking down. i am slightly annoyed. so i hit the market, get my stuff and decide to walk down to queen/spadina and buy a new pair of shoes. i have zero patience for kensington market vintage shoe browsing with a bloody foot, i need sandals stat.

i looked like this. didn’t even notice the hipster ad campaign. kinda funny. drink expensive beer and people will think you’re not only a hipster, but a yuppie hipster at that. anyway i get to ardene at queen/spadina go straight to the flip flop wall of fame and grab a red straw thatched pair for five bucks and chuck the shoes in their trash. i am then consumer victimized by this nice white sleeve over-sized drapey looking shirt so i try it on over my dress and decide to get it then of course get roped into buying a necklace too (men, this is how these things happen with us women and why we come home with parcels full of shit. not our fault, it’s the savvy marketer’s) because ardene has 2 for $20 or 3 for $30 whatever all the time those a-holes. i can barely tolerate looking through their atrocious cheesy clothes for another shirt so i choose necklace route. takes like ten minutes to decide which one, narrowing it down to this wispy antique gold feather delicate little guy over the handful of keys necklace. i pay and on my way out bump into caitlin whom i barely recognize, we chit chat, i tell her my bloody shoe incident explaining why i am in that ridiculous store in the first place. i also really have to go to the bathroom, bloated as hell. performing any task when you have to pee is just, ugh. so i walk to letterie next door and remember i left the necklace i was originally wearing dangling on a hook by a mirror, i go back to get it, caitlin is still in there and shoots me a you are insane look.

i’m in the john having the best most bladder-relieving piss of the century and what should happen? the feather necklace i was just conned into purchasing around my neck? explodes into pieces all over the floor at my fucking feet. do you know how annoying it is trying to move around in a maxi dress on a hot day in a public restroom to begin with but then your necklace falls to pieces without you even touching it? i collect it all and by this point I AM PISSED. sorry, “slightly irritated” all the while i’m getting numerous messages over my blackberry about this stupid blog virus (which has bummed me out pretty bad to be honest). i march back into ardene like i fucking live there now just as caitlin is walking out and i’m all, don’t even. no kidding she’s just this isn’t your day is it? i put my hand over the counter in front of the clerk and let the chain necklace remnants speak for themselves. request the other necklace i wanted more in the first place and walked over to union thinking now if my bike is stolen i am really going to lose my mind here. it wasn’t. sorry to disappoint you.

xoxoxo

if this virus thing ever happens again just follow my retarded life on twitter for awhile.

oh man these dating emails are priceless. check it:

Hello, Please read his full message, for you see I am a traveller from the future where you and I are together and married. I know this is hard to believe, but our children save the world from an alien attack, And so I have travelled back in time to ensure that you and I get together…

So please for the love of the world send me a message back! Because if you don’t the world as we know it will come to an end!! Or if you just feel like talking just send me a message back

endless material!