free hit counter
Pic of the Moment
view all Tumblr
Vomments

and so

i found that i was drinking myself away. i was drinking my life away. i was unhappy and became more unhappy and i didn’t see that happiness was a possibility any longer. for me. all of this shouldn’t even be said but i’ve kind of had enough of the online needling attempts and assumptions, whathaveyou. being a depressed person from the start doesn’t exactly work in your favour when it comes to these things, these things as in going out every single nite, drinking, blogging about it, then doing it again and again and again and asking for a time out, begging for one even, a hey look at me what about me? us? it wasn’t anybody’s fault it was just our life and it quickly became habit. in the end i went out less, but on the nights i did i was not enjoying myself so i drank through it, still unhappy, not even drunk just drinking but still waking up hung everyday in a fog. that is not a life to live. that is not a life. on top of it everyone is always asking you the what’s up, how goes and inside you are like, fuck all, what more do i need to give you when i have nothing for myself. here comes the self-loathing tell all piece of shit you’ve been waiting for.

many have overstepped boundaries here, have too sooned some shit. not cool. five years, think about it. that’s not your shit, that’s mine.

do you want to know the honest truth? i became ornamental and allowed it. i became alone and it felt normal. i gave up on myself, on being myself. i became callous. i forgot what romance was, passion. it got lost. real world stresses took it away and in its place we put booze and companionship and familiarity. thought we’d have the rest of our lives to work it out, he did. he feels that was such a gaff, and i agree. i said (and am saying way too much now) you are going to lose me and not even notice. the last two weeks of it, personal shit (though there was always something), were very fucking hard on the both of us, for two different reasons. the short of it is i could no longer tolerate being shut out emotionally, my spirit had had enough. i actually once daily said to myself the words i want to die. over-melodramatic words, that i meant, but i could never do that. but daily i felt it. i think i even said it to a few deaf ears. i know i did.

each day if i was not feeling ok i would never let on, on my blog. smile, pull through, this is your life, make it look good. years flew by. i’m not saying there weren’t magical wonderful times too, i’m only saying i felt like in the end we were only together based purely on shallow reasons, jealousy, our looks. possessiveness. yes of course there is/was love there holding it all together but at the root of my unhappiness i looked at us and that’s what i saw. there are certain times in your life when you see things from one narrow perspective only and that’s what i saw from my murky perch.

we acted beautifully together for everyone else but us. while alone it was stretches of silences for hours in our own little online worlds until it became dark then we’d get ready and go out to whateverthefuck was going on that nite. most things i didn’t want to do, i often chose his wants over my own. there’s nothing worse than acting for people you don’t even want to hang out with when you don’t feel like hanging out. making other people’s priorities supercede that of your own until you get to a point when you don’t care about anything anymore.

i said i would be witch hunted for all this, how could i do such a thing? leave? i can’t possibly tell the truth about the truth, it’s nobody’s business but when it turns out to be like i was the catalyst, rules change. he said he didn’t care go ahead tell ‘em, he feels awful naturally. gutted. it’s a mutual feeling.

in short, you can’t change people, people can’t change and they don’t. they learn maybe, but at heart you cannot change your blueprint. fuck we tried alright. in the beginning i was so in lust in love i overlooked a few things, i know he did too. i am an extremely affectionate being but you wouldn’t know it if you knew me in the last five years.

this has been the hardest time in my life in a long time. i feel like i haven’t made an adult decision ever before this. people say it’s a brave move, some are wont to just remain in situations forever out of fear, fear of change. being bold.

everybody is asking WHAT HAPPENED. guy, there isn’t one concrete response to that, don’t be such a silly selfish fucker. many things happened over the expanse of five years. little things add up over time and then you just pop.

for the now what i’m doing is a, well rather trying to anyway, everything is hunky dory tra-la-la show must go on routine, blog-wise. it’s a mindfuck. blogging is supposed to be cathartic. we’re trying to do a no contact for a month thing, tried to before that. it’s fucking rough and tough and i feel so insane right now i’m trying to dope myself into a state of mental disappearance. i want to disappear from feeling this way. i want the ultimate relax pill.

i feel like i have lost an entire fucking city. and yes i gave the ring back.

here’s something from someone else.

maybe rather than blasting per se, it’s an opportunity to explain that the blog is built from your life – life as inspiration – but that in fact it’s a construct. truth in a fictional form. or a fiction that’s built from truth.

Paul Theroux has a novel called My Other Life. the protagonist is a famous author named Paul Theroux. but as he says in the epigraph, “this is the story of a life I could have lived had things been different.”

I dunno, it’s a complicated dance. you sort of attract readers with bits of revelation and humor and the odd nipple or two, but there’s a boundary too. you know where it is but many will never understand it.

maybe if you explain that it’s a construct, you might lose/turn off readers. dunno how that would feel to you.

I blather!

i fit right in.

fully.

one vodka pump spray or three, please.

crazytown. i’ve been holed up in here all damn day. only leaving the room for more coffee and piss breaks.

this is holly. we have a lot in common. namely, big mouths.

comin’ up next on raymiCom – bar fights and car chases!

83 thoughts on “and so”

  1. Just wanted to say I think by unburdening yourself like you just did, and making all those really concerned and those just curious have some answers will help tremendously! My understanding also is that a blog is a place you can do that. I know you are very intelligent, wise, woman and in the end you will make the correct decision. I don’t know you, but I feel like you are another daughter to me and I want you better…Hugs. Gma Liza.

  3. i don’t know you. and i know this was a highly personal thing for you to post on your blog. but i felt compelled to reach out and let you know that i did the same thing, i left, i had that moment of lucidity.. but for me it was after TEN years. even though you might feel like a pile of shit right now you have a strong soul under it all, a pure one, one that you know well. that is a huge gift, as cheesy as that sounds, it’s true. protect that. this is your life. it’s been about five years since i left my situation (engaged, ready to buy a house etc.) and i have learned that being alone sucks sometimes, but it’s never as lonely as being alone in a relationship. i’ve also learned a whole lot about what happiness really means. anyway, only YOU know what’s right for you, Raymi. feel good about listening to your heart and not what is “logical”. and those who love you will respect those decisions, those who don’t can fuck off, they were probably dead weight anyway.

    internet hug going out to you.

  4. i’m sorry.
    but g.d, you are brave. trying to find happiness, in light of what everyone thinks you are giving up, is brave.

  5. I’ve been reading your blog since I can’t even remember, I’d like to think it gets easier with time, and eventually you’ll be okay.. I hope it goes that way for you Raymi, you deserve to feel yourself, you deserve happiness. There isn’t much advice besides a total cliche crap thing I could say here, but I wanted to let you know I’m hoping with time you’ll be okay.

  6. you are very brave raymi. good for you for taking this difficult step. i identify a lot with some of the things you say in this post. i left a 7 year relationship last year and it was for many of the reasons you mention. sometimes i think leaving was the best thing, sometimes i doubt myself. just keep going, you can do it.

  7. Don’t ever feel like you owe the fucking internet anything, explanations or otherwise. Worry about making yourself happy and if the internet doesn’t like it the internet can go fuck itself.

  8. it’s just a catch 22 is all. here i was getting validation cos elsewhere i was not. cycle-driven. it’s my way to be TMI then it became not my way. now i’m just trying to figure out which way to be all over again i suppose.

  10. As previously said, I think you are the bravest person I know putting yourself out there like this endlessly. Just know that among all of the monsters out there there are also people who truly admire you and look up to you, me being one of them.
    Stay strong, things are always hard at first but letting your true self shine is more important than anything else.

    <3!

  15. hmmm….well, that was a little awkward to read. dude u gotta do what´s good and right for you and disregard other ppl´s opinions. i guess letting the world know can be kind of cathartic especially when ur getting so many nosey poops attacking you for info they´re not actually privy to. i dunno, i guess for the sake of validation, hmmm….maybe cuz i´m tired of ppl throwing in their 2centavos with my breakup ive realised that the only validation i need is from my guts and my heart, and those who support me r the ones worth a dime in this world. shit stinks, but eventually the smell goes away. hahaha…that´s pretty good, and influenced by the weird rotting fruit smell in my office that has intrigued me for 2 months.

  17. Everything I wanted to say, has already been said. You don’t owe any explanations. Plain and simple.

    I hope you find all of the happiness and passion that you desire and deserve. xoxoxo

  18. i know i don’t know you in REAL life but i feel like i almost do, considering i’ve been reading your blog since 2002…(that was kinda an unintentional rhyme okay sorry just had to point that out)

    ANYWAYS relationships are fucking hard and complicated and (in my opinion) nobody can ever really understand the inner workings of somebody else’s couple-dom…so i don’t even pretend to try. it’s a stupid and trite saying but follow your heart and while shit must suck right now it’s better than pretending your way through a life that you don’t truly want.

    things will get easier, better, etc…

    & mad props for putting yourself out there like this, i’m a pretty open book but i don’t know if i’d be capable of such honesty. ramble ramble ramble ramble okay that is all! love & support & such things!

  19. A relationship is supposed to be like balance, as soon as one person is swamped by the other person’s life or issues or hobbies or whatever… it blows.

    If the whole concept of “relationship” itself ends up swallowing you up so you as an individual person are not even really visible anymore.. you don’t exist except for coupledom and I can’t imagine how suffocating that must’ve felt, but I do know if I had been in your situation I would have done the exact same thing.

    Keep your chin up :) Oh and I spell “gut-wrenching sob” euuurrrreghhhhhhhh!

  20. Basically anything I thought of writing was already written in one comment or another. But of course I hope the best for both of you, and hope you are able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    The whole blogging aspect is interesting. I have probably come across in the opposite way. I often blog to help deal with my stresses and anxieties, and someone might get the impression that my life’s a mess or that I’m just a bundle of nerves. If they met me in “real life” they’d probably realize I’m fun, funny, laid back, confident, etc. But I don’t have a very large audience, so I don’t really think about my blog image much and just use it as a form of therapy almost. I digress…

  21. Life is meant to be lived…instead of just letting life happen. I get that, I just went through something very similar with myself, I have shed my old skin and am trying my best not to grow another one, to just be free, to be me and not apologize for it! (And to not lose myself in the process)
    Actually it was something you wrote quite a few entries back about being happy that was the last push for me to get on with life…sry I dont remember the exact way you said it but the message was clear: “what is life without happiness?!” You inspire people by being raw and real…and thanks for sharing your journey.
    To life !

  22. like anonylame, I also feel the need to reach out to you, I’m 31 and was married for 6 years before I left my husband. We were together 8. The time doesn’t matter, it doesn’t make things easier or worse.

    I think it was harder on everyone around me, my family, friends, apparently we were the perfect couple… what did they know? they weren’t married to us. we filled our lives with stuff, distraction after distraction: trips, house, cars, dog. at the end it felt like ransom.

    People tell me I am brave. i don’t feel brave, but after over 6 months of being on my own, and getting to know/find myself again, I realize I should have left a long time ago.

    Be strong, for yourself, not for others. I hate to sound like an old cliché… so all I can say is: time.

    i feel fo you Raymi

  23. You’d be surprised, I think we have a lot more in common than you know. You will get through this, stay true to yourself and trust in your instinct. It’s your life and that is that.

  24. you totally didn’t have to do that, i bet you felt you had to, that was a really nice thing to do for all the people who are so used to reality tv that they NEEDED to know… your blog has always been entertaining and just wanted you to know that I have no advice for you and every situation is so different that I can’t offer any comparisons or say I get it, I never could really…

    I suspect you will be fine.

  29. I’m a lurker, just wanted to show some support. Good call on the drinking observations. Removing booze from your life for even a bit can really let stuff breathe, and make it enjoyable again if/when you go back to it, not like it’s a job. But anyways, like someone else said above, try to enjoy and embrace your fresh start, you deserve it.

  31. The upside of the blog thing is support in the form of your readership- there are assholes and onlookers I’m sure, but also many who care about you, admire you and are concerned and thinking of you. You take care babe. You made a good choice!!! Either other doors will open or you’ve shaken things up enough that your dynamic with Phil will change for the better. We’re here for you and love you.

  32. It’s so easy for people to think that a relationship is perfect, just by reading someone’s blog. They feel like they know you.

    I completely understand all you’ve said here. I’ve been in the same boat, sometimes still am, and it’s hard.

    Really brave move, I wish you the best.

  33. I fully respected your need for privacy and sincerely thank you for sharing your life (or a small part of it) with us. I wish more people realized that truly living life is ultimately more important than just having one.

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

  34. It feels like you made a good move. It’s always better to stop and re-evaluate your life if you feel like it’s not going in a way you want it to–imagine what would have happened if you’d kept on for ten or fifteen years without doing anything?

    I think you handled this whole situation well. Good luck, whatever happens.

  35. Good for you hun, for being true to yourself and being so strong to carry on poitively on your blog despite how you felt inside. on a side note its amazing how you can feel so dark and lost/lonely and dont have a clue that yes other humans, humans that you admire and look to for good feelings and entertainment can be dealing with the same type of hardships and dark thoughts.

    Your going to be fine,your an extremly beautiful creative strong woman and I think you are going to pull through this faster then you’ll imagine. Every day has the opportunity to be the day that everthing changes for the best, you just dont know which day its going to be but its warming to know that today could be it.

    Sending good vibes~

  37. Seriously my favourite piece of writing i’ve seen come from you in a long time. And gold star to you for writing it. I can’t really imagine what it’s been like for you or for him but it is what it is. There’s no magic bandaid. I think that you did the right thing in being honest with
    yourself and showing love to yourself. I know that sounds supes gay, but it’s so, so true. Life is far too short to be stuck or to be unhappy or to be just getting by and going through the motions. You deserve love and passion and nothing short of that, my dear. xo

  38. What can I say that already hasn’t been said

    I am sad for both of you, breakups,detachments are hard and emotionally draining. And hopefully you learn something from each other, the good and the bad and once you’ve healed, sometimes friendship is possible.

    You were both under alot of pressure because of the number one status of your blog, the invitations to events all over Toronto which involved some partying. I’m sure after a while it becomes all consuming and numbing and perhaps even superficial.
    relationships require work,communication,affection,respect,fairness,give and take and without this, you have a superficial shell of just existing and detachment.

    This would be a great opportunity to work on yourself and grow.Find out what really brings you joy and happiness. Be a strong, independent woman who knows her limits,boundaries and begin new passions and learning.
    When we have a strong sense of who we are and good self esteem, you will never live “for or through a man again”, but be empowered for an equal partnership, a healthier relationship.

    Taking a break from the city may be what you need also.

    As for the affection issue
    Its a big one and I’m thinking you inherited that trait from me. It comes from the French side of the family.
    Its always best to be warm then live in a cold war.

  41. wow…way to raise the standard for discretion and honesty mixed together, on so many levels you set an example to us all…wonderful to see how many supportive comments are here…carry on the good work, XX

  45. Fuck. This post is so moving. I teared up. I know what it is to deal with depression, succumb to self medication, to attempt to escape from that black, hot and intoxicating nothingness. Alcohol nearly killed me, not just physically but emotionally, creatively…everything. I wished, and still sometimes yearn, for death, just as you do, just as millions do. Pile on top of that personal life issues, break-ups, insanity, abuse, whatever the case may be, for anybody, is a hell of a nightmare. You are such an inspiration, such a relatable yet unique person. Sometimes I honestly don’t know what I would do without you here, writing. Doing what you do, making idiots like me laugh and cry and feel okay when it’s not. Pathetic and pride-suckling as it sounds, and though I don’t know you, I can say that I love you Raymi, and thank you so much.

  49. Good luck to you. Sometimes the changes people have to make in life are hard. I am glad you are a strong person. When you begin to understand yourself, is the day you start to live life to it’s fullest.

    capt obvs

  50. I left my fiancee after a 3-1/2 year relationship, left him in Florida with the house and everything in it (most of which was mine), took two suitcases full of shit and moved to New York one week later. There was nothing seriously wrong with our relationship; in fact, to this day I believe he’s the smartest, kindest, most loving and generous person I’ve ever dated. But like you, I wanted and needed different things from life than he would and could offer. I too needed less drinking (and smoking) and more clarity. My decision came after months of feeling like something was just off somehow; a lot of little things built up, feelings had changed and couldn’t be changed back. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but making the decision made me feel strong and brave and confident for the first time in years. As shitty as it felt I knew I had done the right thing, and after several months, the constant crushing misery began to turn to only occasional wretchedness. I saw that it was great to not have to consider the other person every time I made a decision. That time in New York, when I was single for the first long stretch since becoming an adult, was the best time in my life. I took complete advantage of every aspect of being single and enjoyed the fuck out of it: sleeping whenever (and with whomever, when I was ready) I wanted, going out or staying in, eating where and when I wanted, spending time with friends and being reminded that I truly have the most beautiful, generous, entertaining pals I could ask for. . . all of it at MY discretion.

    I think the moral of the story is that once I finally made the decision to shed the part of myself that had become half of a couple instead of just ME, I had to re-learn who I was. And then I learned a lot more about me that I never knew, because I spent so much of that important identity-forming early 20s time with someone else that I never got to see what I was like when I stood alone.

    Take ‘er easy as best you can. It’ll not suck so much after a while. Good to see you have support from your family and friends, they’re so important.

Comments are closed.