ok i’m not 100% decided on gwen, the style of wig i bought is similar to her wind it up gucci style look, her at her most crazy i think. bonus, i have a slutty nun costume to complete the ensemble. though there are many options of outfit to choose from really. my other blond haired idea is debbie harry, probably the outfit from the rapture video (short shorts, black tube top, pumps) or white dress (and then everyone will say hey it’s marilyn monroe all nite long wicked). i also considered shera until i googled it and found nothing but shitty dumpy homemade costumes, pass. if you have any other blond hair people i can emulate let me know. ooh maybe i can get a red bathing suit and do baywatch? too cold? fuck i’d have to get a brazillian for that.
to help decide on how to cast your ballot, here’s some debbie vs. gwen photos to aid you.
i could cut the bangs to be precisely blunt.
if i go as blondie i can have messier hair but i’ll have to get the makeup dead right. you can’t tell from this still but she’s wearing short shorts, watch the video.
i have a shit ton of sunglasses to choose from.
interesting, maybe i could two-tone the hair using my own? no too complicated.
i have a military type jacket i’m skinny enough to button up by now, with patches.
darker eyebrows than hair, i have those.
go all out crazy nun gwen?
cool outfit, excuse to get gold lam-ay pants from AA that i would never ever wear again ever.
whomever i end up going as i am not looking forward to wearing heels.
classic dress i have no chance in hell of ever finding.
k not really but that’s where we went wednesday nite to meet our good friend will and brought along skidfanie.
i made one babysitter hair quip, it gained some momentum and resulted in several hair styles over the course of dinner. but really, when you know you’re going out and your friend is going to take a shit ton of photos of you why do our hairs decide to go slack and frazzly?
champangover was the theme of yesterday. do i spell it champagngover? no too many g’s, this is how tough my life is people.
HAHA. growing out bangs is akin to wearing painful shoes, the awkward can be seen all over the face. it’s like having C game for a month.
we were foxley virgins, though will had been taken there the nite previous and liked it. sheena you are gettin’ steamed right now i know it.
a closer look.
lamb something dumplings.
v rare lamb. the entire menu at foxley is a bit insane.
crispy jalapeno shrimps, the favourite.
frogs legs, three of them, from a special radioactive frog. i had pointed out the cornish hen on the menu, will was like bah not into gamey things, then the waitress described the taste of frog as being gamey. hahaha.
frogs have bones, so weird.
just like chicken, yes, shitty shitty chicken.
finally we get our table, what’s with the goldie hawn pose?
guys we drank champagne on wednesday don’t forget! decided to just get the bottle.
another fave, short ribs.
spicy green curry mussels (duh) great sauce, the mussels were a bit meh. i tugged one out that was just way too slimy.
quail, what cheney shot his bro in the face hunting for. nice and smokey, albeit gamey. game gamey gamey game too much of that word in this post.
the salad beneath it is delicious. fil hates cilantro though.
steamed bass, will said it was better the first time he tried it. i liked it just fine.
foxley doesn’t take reservations so it’s quite a scene to watch tons of people show up to be disappointed. one cute older couple we were really hoping would score a table, they went to the bar, then our buddy jeff shows up and says he is meeting his parents for dinner, they were that older couple, and they got a table. triumphant!
the view from will’s condo is magnificent to say the least. you can see buffalo across the water. i couldn’t get one non-blurry picture, when my camera comes into contact with red lighting (thanks foxley’s bar) it is fucked for the rest of the nite. or maybe i’ve just dropped it too many times.
will is a super talented composer.
sweet relief he finally gets his paintings, he also lives in bev hills so we haven’t seen him in ten months that’s why they’ve been on our walls all this time. everyone calls him 90210 in his toronto digs. steph and i bemoaned having the alphabet for a zip/postal code.
so i’ve been feeding the guy still, he’s on the deck right now, sitting on the zero gravity lounger in fact. i just gave him some of our expensive wafers from the cheese boutiqe, two rosemary flavoured and two cracked pepper, he’s not a fan. (probably depressed the fern is gone)(if you want fern updates you’ll have to ask steph) i dragged cid out of the towel closet to see him. here are all the things i have experimented with feeding him:
pretzels
tostitos (various styles)
rye crispbread crackers (so sick i just threw another one out there all crumbled up)
biscotti
plain chips?
doritos?
i’m sure other things. anyway remember i was confronted in the elevator by our psychotic paranoid neighbour (we saw them with ten 4L jugs of water on sunday nite getting into the elevator wtf? toronto tap water is ridiculously clean) about feeding the squirrel and how people want to cut down the tree now because of it – since then i have been praying for another confrontation. i bet they have surveillance on our deck every time the squirrel comes by for a snack. of COURSE you knew i was feeding it, why even ask me you passive aggressive slag? you cannot cut down an entire pine tree because of one squirrel.
we bumped into our landlord at the movie store earlier this week, she owns our unit, we get to chatting, she asks how the apartment is oh great we say, fil goes oh we love the neighbourhood and she (landlord) says WHAT? you love the neighbours!? i say NO WAY they’re kind of…crotchety. she says THEY ARE ALWAYS COMPLAINING.
i wanted to get down on my knees to fellate her on the spot because i feel like i am crazy, these nuts have been making me loony like, am i imagining things here or are they all a hive mind entity out to get me and my squirrel? and ten million other things. remember when i started working out and how all the exercise equipment began to disappear? or the ten million times i have been dissed to my face, shunned with stink eye, silent treatment, abrasive stand-offish cold hauty glares and then magical turn around when fil is by my side. fuck these people. just know the day we move out expect to be invited to the bender of the century.
anyway holy shit i am blogging about a fucking squirrel.
i saw my laundry nemesis yesterday and i initiated conversation with her and was nice and she made a slur about indian summer and indians haha, even though she used three washers for a handful of clothes we were cool. there was another old lady in there who was a cunt to me that i sing song said byeeeee to when i grabbed my clothes from the dryer and she grunted bye at me. why do old people get to live so long when they’re bitter wastes of space and cool people die young?
second installment chat with michael, our brave weirdo.
Michael: still alive
me: oh great how you feeling
Michael: pretty good today, building my strength up for friday, i fly to ******
me: what for
Michael: say goodbye to old friends and a killer halloween party im going as a Jedi
me: oh man i was thinking, what if you and i had regular gmail chats and made a book out of it
Michael: kinda like thursdays with maury?
me: dude knows he is going to kick it and girl who isnt have daily or weekly mini chats about whats going on tuesdays with morrie we wont be that profound tho haha
Michael: monday with Michael lol
me: AHAHHA
Michael: that sounds pretty cool though
me: yeah i dunno what id need for permission tho i guess u just gave it i can change yer name if you want
Michael: i dont care, ill be dead
me: ! well your family might
Michael: lets set up a day and time for each week and we will do it. my family would be cool about it i always wanted to be a writer so this in a way would at least put me in print
me: well im always on gchat so basically whenever you see me on you chat me up if you have something to say or are in the mood like today i feel great or not great
Michael: i see where you’re going, cool
me: how does a jedi dress
Michael:
me: awesome you have the hair for it
Michael: i have put together that exact costume over the last year from ebay
me: smart
Michael: some people would disagree, people who want me to do chemo im not doing it im just gonna live out what i have left and have no regrets not be sick all the time
me: would chemo give you a chance
Michael: it would give me more time. but the time i would get wouldnt be worth the constant pain and sickness, its all about quality
me: you are so brave i would get a bunch of a credit cards and buy ridiculous things travel stalk celebrities ha
Michael: not brave, scared shitless really, and i have thought about the credit thing lol i would only stalk angelina jolie
me: aw what happened to your morbid curiosity how old are you again
Michael: oh its still there, but thats afterlife im 38
me: well think of this year as the best year of your life people waste their years you know you get to cram in a ton of awesome shit
Michael: and imagine all the pity sex! lol
me: HAHAHA
Michael: the party is held by a stripper friend of mine and it will be attended by many strippers. every year it ends up a naked free for all
me: jesus can i come i think you can count on getting laid not by me, at that party
Michael: come on, ur more than welcome lol
me: ha
Michael: last year a woman had a fantasy about having sex with a guys amputated arm, the stump, and she did!! crazy shit at this party brb
me: !! i have to go bathe now chat you later
Michael: k
*this chat occurred before i posted yesterday’s conversation so we have already discussed some of the questions you’ve asked in the comments. i think the hard thing about talking with michael is my own fears about death, i come off a bit stand-offish cos i haven’t figured out how to say like OMG i would be so shitting myself right now and other wimpy shit. you can’t really pose hypothetical self-centered scenarios to someone who may or may not be shitting themselves, themself.
we went to kilgour’s last nite and my favourite drunk scrabble couple was there, we had the best view of them. the guy was so loaded he didn’t check me out once. also a group of three dudes flanked the other side of us and talked about halo and other online role playing games and they talked really loud so we didn’t have to strain at all to eavesdrop in on that gold. it was one white dude and two asian guys, then the white guy said bla bla blah you know when i came back from asia i was all i KNEW that guy has himself some asian fever BAD 1. is a nerd 2. went to asia 3. hanging out with two asian dudes obvs gateway to more asian chicks. where’s sass when i need her?
Michael: So I just found out. Telling u because I dont know u personally. I have terminal brain cancer! Yay! Had to get that out
me: are you serious?
Michael: yup
me: wow how old are you im v sorry to hear this
Michael: 38 and its cool, im cool with it I had to practice on you before i told my family
me: aw dude good luck how long do you have..
Michael: 6 month to a year. I will miss reading your blog. Been reading for years and yes i stumbled upon you because of your boobs lol
me: wow how long have you been a reader let me interview you soon and blog it and exploit the crap out of you when did you find out are you in wicked shock
Michael: sure thing u can interview me, i kinda expected it so shock is not an issue found out today
me: why did you expect it how have you been feeling
Michael: i have been having memory loss and seizurs for the last month, and my dad died from it so, yeah I expected it. I get bad headaches and throw up alot but i feel fine now
me: wow i am so sorry
Michael: its ok, really. Now that I know, I am morbidly excited
me: wow do you believe in an afterlife
Michael: thats the thing, I REALLY want to know what happens when you die. I am open to anything, I just want to KNOW and maybe haunt some people
me: i kind of think u just shut off like u know when u have a deep sleep and u wake up and are like wow that was long where did i go
Michael: well if there is anything, i promise to visit you and scare the shit out of you in the shower or something
me: !! well i just bought a blonde wig if that makes u happy
Michael: looks good, but i prefer your normal look, and damm, looks like ur boobs got bigger in pic imgp7071
me: HAHA its the shirt its an xs my tits are deceptively small looking
Michael: oh ive seen them, you are a very beautiful woman, tits and all
me: ha thanks im looking for u on my fb is yer middle name *****
Michael: email me an interview and ill do it, and keep up the good work. you’re very talented, crazy but talented
me: ha crazy
Michael: in a good way
me: ok stay in touch
Michael: will do, thanks for talking
me: chat me anytime
Michael: k, have a good one. bye
me: byebyebye
DOOZY MUCH?
so i asked michael if we could do a book together – dying dude and chick who isn’t dying have daily chats, but then i thought it wouldn’t be fair to him for it to come out after he dies, it would be nicer for him to get immediate feedback from my blog and maybe make some new pals and get some pity sex out of it (his words not mine re: the pity sex)(and he’s not bad looking) so i’ve decided to do a regular installment on my blog of our chats. i think we can all get something out of this, feel free to ask michael questions in the comments when you are done crying.
also if you have any advice on how michael can deliver this news to his mom and brothers, let us know. i told him to watch the scene from reality bites when steve zahn does a little vignette with Janeane Garofalo about telling his parents he’s gay for the first time.
i mean it. i uploaded even more than i did yesterday so if yer a lazy ADD riddled piece of shit you can just look at the setbut you will miss my witty captions so it’s up to you. i am officially sick of my orange hat. gill i need to get the hat i left at your place the nite of my art show back soon.
to breakfast, dave “lost” his wallet (to weed) and i took ages applying makeup over my unwashed face, a rustic favourite. fil was all you’re not going to a cotillion, oh shut up, do you want to sit with a crabby skid at breakfast or a crabby beauty queen?
yeah yeah you think you’re sick of these self-timed/taken poses just wait, you’ll WISH that’s all this post was. i’ma completely ruin in no particular order just for you the following: LEAVES, TREES, LAKES, CANOES, SUNLIGHT REFLECTING ON LAKES, DOGS, BEER BOTTLES, COTTAGES, & FALL. no prob!
i’m pretty sure the locals loved us. i told the story about when fil and i went to the catskills and got to wander around opus 40 on our own, leslie called her buds over there to see if we managed to make it, they said to her oh yeah that guy with the silver car and the PARIS HILTON CHICK WITH THE DARK HAIR?
no fucking kidding.
visiting the kid corner, i mused that everyone probably thought sass was our little sister and told dave to take her picture, k i can’t remember how i said it, basically dave looked like a humungo pedophile with his huge camera and sass drawing on the chalkboard hahahaha.
totally feeling the art work.
ohh hmm lets see here let me put my glasses on oh hum, what colour do you want harold? harold, HAROLD!
is that the time out bench?
ahmagad wrap around raised porch no biggie.
oh wiley.
totally dumped a ton of beer on myself for this.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i love this jacket.
fil, doing all the hard work. ps. PADDLING ISN’T HARD WORK.
hilarious.
BAHAHA
i must be drunk still cos the word DAZZLING is hilarious to me right now.
i have a big one for this canoe.
OMG LEAVES. whatever, get your fill cos they’ll be gone soon.
stand by me, anybody?
zoolander.
omg a berry in a patch of sunlight, sorry you missed it.
sigh is an understatement. i had a nice little rest while fil and dave wandered around nerding out, then i took an epic minute long piss in the woods, it was great.
i’ve had these legwarmers since i was 18, from black market.
gettin’ a little bored over here guys.
and hungry.
and sober.
home again.
nostalgic cup i would not shut up about, grandma and grandpa’s house had a set of these. i did not steal it.
nostalgic for this moment being over before it ended, like sundays. fuck i hated sundays as a kid and anyway this was saturday.
ok baibai.
oh wait, who wants to see this with me? it played at TIFF and i missed it.
Written and directed by Kevin Smith, it stars mostly Seth Rogan and Elizabeth Banks, but also Jason Mewes. Craig Robinson, Traci Lords, and Kenny Hotz (i had no idea kenny!)
blah blah bla Zack and Miri are two housemates that are hopelessly in debt. They can’t pay their rent, so they make a porn to sell on the internet but unfortunately they fall in love. this is the unrated trailer for it, meaning swear words (my fave) Zack And Miri Make A Porno. it appeals to me cos i like to think that in times of hardship you can always fall back on the sex industry to eat, even though apparently less people are watching porn these days thanks to blogs. i know!
more cottage to stuff down your throats! added to the flickr set 73 more pictures today, can’t possibly put them all up in this post, oh man don’t know which picture to choose from this angle of a leaf or that one??? people MUST see BOTH!
so we wake up saturday morning to this, gah lovely.
i’m not that hung cos i kind of took’er easy the nite before, maybe on a scale of one to ten for hung i’m about a 6.5 which is pretty good for the cottage. normally i’m like an eleven.
should i ejaculate now or later, now?
dave told us it would be rustic and for some reason based on the picture he sent me which in no way resembles what the place actually looks like and the idea i had built up in my head inspired by the word rustic, i was expecting the house patrick swayze kurt russell and his four sons live in in the movie overboard. this place is not rustic at all, compared to the elitist “cottage” mansions i much prefer the former. i do not enjoy driving for hours to be uptight, clean, on edge about crumbs or feel like we are on a tight schedule.
if you aren’t hung out of your mind you get to reward yourself with whiskey and coffee for breakfast. i guess you can reward yourself with that even if you are hung.
two socks. oh i also sat on some sap and haven’t washed those leggings yet, i guess it has no chance of coming out now?
phallic weather predictors.
wake up princess.
i have a video of this epic dog battle.
greasy morning hello.
i was seriously just stuck choosing which floating leaf to put on my blog.
dangerous self-timed photos on shaky dock.
so pretentious.
bailey’s hot chocolate compliments of sass.
aw i heart you too!
gettin’ pumped for…
canoe ride with dad!
hilarious watching dave struggle to get both dogs in and out of the boat, he’s such a single dad with those two.
hahaha.
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
then we went to breakfast at a nice little place clearly filled with local regulars and fil was very much taken with the table of old ladies havin’ themselves a right old gas near our table, i encouraged him to join them, he didn’t. when we go up north fil turns into rainman, nothing but tunnel vision and quips about how he likes things, cottage things, yes i know me too fil thanks for the five-thousandth reminder.
