friday we had dinner with gill, this is a rock ‘n roll, not bad.
thursday’s jerk chicken mmmmmmmmmm.
what i was wearing that i guess made that PLAN dude chase me down the street, ugh. i feel a bit too bouncy in this shirt, plus you can totally see my nips, not that i care, just in the annex, there are only so many disapproving glares from raisin-faced wasps i can take before i have a total george costanza meltdown.
sigh, i have post cottage blues, on top of pre-menses blues, good grief. i at least was able to crap infinity times yesterday, on top of the worst hangover quite possibly yet. i generously gave fil my last eno saturday when he had the spins, mistake. on the way home we had poutine and then a few hours later ordered chinese food. for real. i got a nice tan re-reading judy blume’s perverted summer sisters tale on the beach, it helped distract me from my hangover. now i get to figure out what to do with all my wrinkled clothes, i fuckin’ love overpacking. GOSH JEEZ.
i understand your hatred towards the douchey clerks. i try my hardest not to be one of those chicks i know what they wear looks better on them than me sux but its true and im not bitter i work at a c-store and there are tons of fit attractive chicks that come into the store wearing things i wish i could even think about buying and regardless of what their wearing its my job to be nice. everyone has SOMETHING to say about everything. i think the things you wear are so creative, look good and seem to fit the mood your’e in for the day, or moment. anyway… theres no point to this email really, i had a few too many jackncokes after work and and just putting off bed cuz that means i hafta wake up and go to work in the am….
im sure sometimes it doesnt feel like you’re appreciated, and surely very few people actaully know the real lauren, but when it comes down to it, you know you’re awesome you cant please everyone, right?! keep doing what you do
-dannielle
we went back to the same liquor store yesterday and i saw one of the chicks working, she has looooooong black curly (crunchy over processed) slick hair (woodbridge hair) and wears a huge fleece shirt over her uniform, to cover up her dumpy body. i purposely did not go to her check-out. while in the store i was thinking man, is it like part of your job to criticize every woman who comes in there when they leave? then i thought would i do the same, and honestly, as much of a judgmental dick i am, i wouldn’t, i pass up on a lot opportunities to rip into people’s outfits, meaning, i ignore other people, and if a hot babe (competition) comes in on my radar i do a mental note to take (copy) something from her outfit and thumbs up her in my head for a job well done. the only people i do slag in my head are the ones with bitchy attitude, no matter what they look like, but if it just so happens you’re a cunt to me on top of being ugly, you give me no choice but to chalk it up to self-hatred and bitterness on account of looking like a troll, not my problem.
two years ago there is no way i could wear tight leggings or short shorts, and now that i can, the transformation you notice in how people treated you when they knew you before you were a cow, during when you were a cow and now after when you’re ok (cos we are never ever satisfied are we) with your body, their attitude toward you changes slightly, resentment and bitterness, while all along during your starvation quest you were like i am dieting blah blah bla and they’re like IT WON’T WORK because they do not want you to get thinner, but you stick to your guns and do it anyway, and fuck them.
though cos of my big mouth (confidence, FUNNIER THAN EVERYONE ELSE) i’ve always noticed some chips on shoulders, anyway, now it’s monumental, to the point where you wonder hey i haven’t seen so-and-so in a long time, wonder why that is?
the moral of this post is i am always a victim. always.
and no i do not wear this outfit everyday, i took a ton of pictures and didn’t use them all at once
cures moodiness, i am slipping some in fil’s drink tonite
just in time too, i’m pre-menses right now, tho aren’t i always?
perfect, these will totally fit up my nostrils.
perfect for road vodka thanks guys.
then i left the room for an hour and someone got all up in my menses care package…
i took that tote out shopping yesterday, very spacious, anyway, if you have a teeny va-gine, i have like ten million tampons for you.
then off to ryerson for a project.
i had to take pictures of myself while being photographed a thousand times, then record some PSA material.
i am NOT awkward!
sass met me after work to babysit and destroy a shelf.
then we went for a brew at the imperial and saw this dinnerinthesky business over dundas square. last minute amex card holders were invited to dine, LUCKY!
i believe jen was one of the lucky dicks to experience this.
then tv on the radio as you already know about.
have yet to sew up that slit.
these pants, i tell you, people can’t handle the red, like they half-admire them half-attempt to scowl me into oblivion. lighten up squares! another thing, my short shorts, my buddy paul overheard two cashiers at the lcbo slaggin’ on my shorts after i left, he was in line and heard them say “…if I wore shorts like that…” what? what would happen? nothing, cos you CAN’T wear shorts like that. get OVER it and focus on yourself. i’m getting pretty tired of being treated so shitty from bitter chicks all over town just cos they’re insecure and forgot to take care of their own shit.
Oh by the way, I don’t want to start shit but after you left the LCBO, your clerk and my clerk started talking about your shorts. I totally gave them cut eye. They were both overweight too, so when the one girl said “if I wore shorts like that…” my only thought was “but you couldn’t wear shorts like that”. The two skinny female clerks there are faster and friendlier, I should’ve just waited in one of their line-ups.
-Paul
omg what else did they say!!!!!
That was it, I wasn’t paying attention then I clued in when I realized they had just finished talking about you.
you should have said THATS MY FRIEND YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT
I should have but I was too shocked. You’re right, those clerks like to start stuff, you didn’t even say anything to them to get them started.
happens to me ALL the time everywhere i go ugly people treat me shitty then play the victim
ungh, also i was with my TALL HANDSOME BOYFRIEND did they take note of that? you can’t walk around with a HOT BABE DUDE if you don’t make an effort to at least match him in the looks dept.
this print busts me up. sigh.
we are going away tomorrow now i don’t have to kill myself! and why do we always go away when i am a fat pre-menstrual pig, i also haven’t crapped in like DAYS.
oh YEAH happy fourth of july all you amerinoids!
all you dudes said happy canada day to us and were like BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE MEANS!!! yeah me either i guess, in any event, we got our party over with first so i think that means we win. thanks for stickin’ with my blog even though you don’t understand how i talk eh. i will make more of an effort to post american material for you to enjoy.
someone really wants me to do this post so i’m doing it for what seems like the millionth time, anyway, there were two “things” i did, two phases of the raymi diet, the first one was totally unhealthy and ridiculous and you were all NO NO NOT going to work, and it WORKED, i lost 20lbs. the second phase you all would not shut up about either, like i was even asking for your input, all i said was i am going to lose more weight and THIS is how i am going to do it, then i did it, and it worked. voila. i can’t find the post where i said this is my new diet, anyway, basically it consisted of eating, not starving myself, lots of meats and greens and yogurt, NO CARBS which equals no rice or pasta or bread, NO STARCH, NO BEER etc etc. so i rode that wave for awhile NO JUNK FOOD NO CHIPS NO GREASE it’s not rocket science, substitute egg whites for eggs w/ yolk. um. drink less. inevitably you will navigate off your diet and say fuck it once in awhile and put your face in a slice of pizza, and that’s ok, in the beginning when you shut off the intake of carbs you feel demented for a good three weeks, your head hurts and you feel really dumb. WORTH IT! you get used to it and then it goes away, that demented feeling. (though i pretty much feel demented all the time anyway so no bigz)
i’m now at a point where i dunno, i think my metabolism has come back with avengeance, it’s been two years sans anti-depressants now, so if you’re on anything, i think after awhile no matter what it is impossible to lose weight on medication, and NO i am NOT telling you to go off your pills, just saying i decided i would rather be sad and skinny instead of sad and fat. they weren’t working for me anymore, AND i was drinking all the time on them and as it turns out zoloft gives one an insatiable urge and desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol, awesome, as in NOT awesome.
if i just stopped drinking i would be a rake and y’all would be like stop starving yourself, it would get really annoying, or you’d think i was doing blow.
so here’s what you do to lose weight or to stay slim, eat HEALTHY, eat BORING, once in awhile you have to take one for the team and just DEAL by not stuffing your face with croutons, pretend there is always a pool party on the weekend and wearing a t-shirt over your suit is out of the question. drink vodka/gin sodas with lime/lemon, cut down on wine intake, and sugar, skim milk in your coffee, eat yogurt, eat some cold cuts everytime you walk into the kitchen, walk everywhere, take the stairs, do sit-ups, buy smaller clothing. lots of protein and sashimi!
there’s also this crazy diet where you cut out meat and dairy and fat and lose a bunch of weight in seven days i do not have the willpower for that, here read this. good luck with that. and this is the low carbs list thing.
BOOKMARK THIS POST I DON’T WANT TO BLOG ABOUT THIS EVER AGAIN.
i have been craving jerk sauce for a few days now, it hit peak last nite when i came home and smeared some on my last half of tuna sandwich (yesterday i ate THREE tuna sandwiches)(and that’s it)(anyway) tonite is jerk chicken nite so i went out to get fixins from dominion (they carry the brand of tipsy jerk i prefer, loblaws has the other saltier kind (lame) even though it’s a million times more fattening (the tipsy jerk is) I DON’T CARE because it is a million times more delicious!) fuck enough brackets? and so as i am power marching and starving past spadina/bloor i see all those guys with black zipper binders and some rubbermaid thing, all chatting away, i maneuver my way around and through them thinking YES free! and what do ya know, one RUNS after me saying hey hey hi what’s your name lauren i say then he says whatever his dumb name is i say what are you selling and quicken my pace almost speed-walking, and so he matches my speed, he chuckles oh no not selling anything why would you think that? oh well the fact that you are SPEED WALKING ALONG SIDE ME AND YOU ARE A STRANGER (i don’t say that) but i do point at his binder and say BECAUSE OF THAT and he laughs some more, no no i’m not selling anything, i’m not scamming anyone and i’m not a creeper or anything like that. oh so this ISN’T creepy right now? coulda fooled me. anyway he says BUT do you like children? what kind of question is that i’m thinking and honestly say uh well nah whatever not really i don’t know thinking he’s going to rail into me about starving third world kids then i see on his binder it says PLAN or something else fishy, and now we are at the doors of dominion (i was going to use that as my out even though i wanted to walk to the wine store first but i feared this ding-a-ling would speed walk alongside me all the fucking way there) so i turn to him and say accusingly ARE YOU ANTI-ABORTION? and right then and there his veneer of chill cracks and he disgustingly spits out YES and i go SEE YA and take off as he is calling my name behind me down the street going aw come on lauren we can work this out! WTF RIGHT! then this white old guy asks me what was that guy saying and i jump a mile cos two strangers now in the span of minutes are talking to this guy i blurt out oh pro-life bullshit and immediately regret it cos this dude looks like he may be conservative but he says oh he wants you to vote “insert some dude’s name i have never heard before but assume is conservative” and then we both snort and then he says i thought he was mormon, trying to convert you, this guy is also walking just as fast as i am so i’m like great now we are in a conversation walking in the same direction, so i go yeah, not today buddy, (as in there will be NO conversions today) dude gets the hint, takes his pace down a clip and off i go miraculously into the sun right into some doctors w/o borders chick canvasing, oh good grief. then on my way back the black history month shiesters are at it again in front of shoppers. so damn pushy.
oh and there is NO meat whatsoever at dominion right now what the fuck.
oh one more thing, the gap between my two front teeth is almost closed, magical!
AWWWWWWW fil just brought me home a ceramic hair straightener!
ha my bad i just googled PLAN, it’s sponsoring children stuff. oh me and my emotions! well, they need a NEW approach, plan for THAT.
BUT here‘s a guy who likes children, specifically his son’s girlfriend!
merkley???: hi raymi the minx i had dinner with three laurens last night my world is filled with laurens but only one raymi
me: hahahaa are they pronounced loren or luhren like me
merkley???: i dont pronounce your name luhren
me: well thats how it is
merkley???: luhren is that how your mom says it? i’d never call you lauren anyway it’s only raymi as far as i’m concerned
me: yes raymi is good but luh-ren is how my parents say it it was their choice
merkley???: they were obviously drunk i actually think i tend to pronounce that name more like lawren which is how it looks but i am highly evolved
me: its a combo hybrid of luh and law
merkley???: i’m between law and lor with a smidge of luh i think you’d let my natural pronunciation fly
me: i would not
merkley???: thats cuz you arent laid back
me: people who call me lauren do so condescendingly like they have an “in” with me no if my name is pronounced a certain way my entire life i cant just make allowances
merkley???: thats like when people think they are being cute and they call me dave
me: like eastern euros have weird ways to say katarina
merkley???: those people are not clever
me: KATA-reeeeeeeeeeena they get really mad if u fuck it up wow dave thats not even remotely funny
merkley???: but they say it like they found out a big secret and they are instantly dropped off my to do list
me: dave is your real name?
merkley???: its my first name
me: but yeah thats how people say lauren to me too
merkley???: i bet
me: like they are super smart
merkley???: meanwhile we think — idiot one time this girl was going — “i know your name is DAVE, so i’m gonna call you DAVE – and i said well i’m gonna call you CUMFART! and i still call her cumfart when i see her
me: HA does she get mad
merkley???: well she doesnt bug me much thats for sure nobody wants to be called cumfart in front of friends
me: hahaha im doing my archives thing and came across this gem, remember it: ok what did one chandelier say to another?
is chandel ‘ier (here)?
merkley???: i dont remember that
me: you commented and said yes you are definitely drunk still
merkley???: i’m good at quips
me: ha ha — you’re so drunk. those are drunk jokes. aka not funny when you’re not drunk, hilarious when you are. merkley??? | Edit comment Delete comment | Email | Homepage | 07.14.07 – 12:25 pm | #
yeah they’re borderline dad jokes too i just laid down for a bit and watched some of a league of their own and cried to it twice, two sad parts in a row and now i don’t feel nauseous anymore. is chandel here? AHHAHAHAHHAHAA raymi | Edit comment Delete comment | Email | Homepage | 07.14.07 – 12:25 pm | #
