fil said he is sad because i wanted to move date nite to friday, so i made him a painting.

i said if he sells it he can keep the mooonies, he said no way!

maybe i’ll paint him in, we will see.

ungh the asshole next door just doesn’t shut up. dude is like 80 (at least) and he just talks and yells every damn day at his wife, i don’t even know where he gets the material from cos he never goes outside, i doubt it’s from the internet HEY DELILAH A FUCKING DOLPHIN SAVED THE LIVES OF TWO PYGMY SPERM WHALES YOU’RE A USELESS WHORE WHAT HAVE YOU EVER SAVED!? she should just move to a home her life would be so much better without him, she’d have friends. when i fire off this pile of crap if he’s still yelling i’ma slam on the wall. who wants to spend their 80s yelling everyday? god what a dick. should you not i dunno mellow out maybe to prevent giving yourself a heart attack?

anyway, two nites ago after watching the boss of it all we went to take the recycling down, i’m standing in the hall just outside our door, and shitty neighbours to the right (the crappy acoustic guitar music what graces us through the bedroom wall at 2am) come out of the elevator (lazy fucks who refuse to take the stairs) and the wife looks me up and down once i say hi to her and gives me a phony obligated hi, they round the corner and see fil behind me and then she chirps right the fuck up and blasts him with an even bigger HI eyes sparkling and all that.

bitch.

why say hi to me at all you fucking scag.

old chicks are the rudest people ever, sorry for existing and reminding you of your old wrinkled faces.

oh just will you LOOK at that hair!

chloe brought us a flower.

i wanted to amend my mii character (is character redundant?) to add a tiny beauty mark, the peanut gallery said it wasn’t big enough to have one, so i put a divet near my lip instead.

chloe pointed out this shitty 90s font.

fil’s collection since university. oh and don’t go through beer caps if you’re on a no beer diet, you will salivate like mental.

this is dedicated to my neighbours

limited dance moves in this limited space dudes.

this is the beginningish of my next book

April 6 2007 8.20pmish

Dear Chinese diary

We are at the subway station Phil is being a penis and making fun of how daft I am – I ask where we are getting off then don’t wait for a response then go look at the subway map to try and figure it out on my own (wrong).

We are going to smokeless joe’s to see Carla and Bryce (fil’s sister and her fiancee), they have a present for me I am excited. Bye.

Phil just told me that maybe they didn’t bring my present now I am angry.

Hi my name is Lauren I am also known as Raymi on the internet. I know I sound like a stupid shit kid but I am actually 24 and Phil is 32.

Phil has a motorcycle and that’s why he is my boyfriend even though he doesn’t take me for rides anymore he is also not too bad looking. He was schizo drunk last nite it was cute and funny. Sometimes I spell his name fil cos I give people nicknames on the internet. We are at St. Andrew station bye.

We are at smokeless Joe’s now I am on my second beer.

April 7 2007 8.55pm

It’s the next day we are @ the pump watching what will most likely be the last leafs game of the season we are with pitt and we are pretty drunk I am wearing the stupidest outfit I got blogspotted by the waitress she reads my blog and said she was actually wondering where I was going to watch the game she just said my hair was really beautiful – she got us a round of drinks on her swoon. She is pretty cute too. Score 1 raymi.

April 8 2007 Sunday 5.30pm

We won the leafs game last nite yes. We are in Oakville it is Easter Sunday everything is closed pretty much, we are at the king’s arms having a half pint before dinner at Phil’s mom’s where there will be presents for me no doubt I got some candy from shopper’s and this little boy kept checking me out, strange.

It’s cold in this pub fil’s friend from high school is here, he is bald and looks bad. Fil did not introduce me, he’s pretty ignorant sometimes. Now he is playing that poker game on his palm pilot.

Earlier today he did a u-turn in the car and made my egg salad sandwich fly out of my lap and landed by my feet on the dirty floor mat I had to throw some of it away I was v. hungry too and I got mad.

Fil just said he didn’t introduce me cos he can’t remember the guy’s name. I don’t really care. I wonder what will be for dinner tonite. We are going bowling tomorrow with my dad brother mom niece for my bday and brother’s bday. We were going to go to the mandarin too but I said no I don’t need to eat the entire universe of Chinese food. I am trying not to be a fat-ass anymore.

Three minutes after I wrote that I smashed my half pint glass and then shoved a tiny shard of glass into my left palm and it bled like stigmata, Easter stigmata. It stung.

April 11 2007 Wednesday

We are at the horseshoe at the bar, waiting to see this band called calla, we have seen them before I have zero recollection of what their music sounds like, I think it’s good. I had my picture with the lead guy Aurelio last time to make fil’s ex gf jealous. I’m gonna try and do that again, wonder if he’ll remember me. I’m going to order a second gin and soda now.

One time we were here after edgefest to see I forget, we were all wasted and I asked fil to get me a vodka tonic and when he handed it to me I asked what it was he said a gin and vodka/vodka gin and basically hiccupped it out at me. That’s one of our inside jokes now. (He just said the band we saw was jets overhead) we missed them though, we were hanging with pedestrian.

Cool people don’t dance.

April 12 2007 Thursday 8:30pm @ Sushi Club

We just had sashimi everyone was a dick to me on the internet today and I am on my period not cool. We are going to see sunset rubdown w/ xiu xiu @ lee’s palace tonite they are both big acts and the show is a big deal apparently cos in NYC there is no way they would ever be billed together. I of course know nothing about either one. Listened to some of them on the internet before we left, sounds good.

Today I said the emo-est shit about cid, he was sleeping, I determined he is depressed and making time pass by sleeping then I almost cried. HOLY PERIOD! Fil was like, he is a cat and cats sleep! I said I felt bad for not giving him attention fil said go hug him I said I’m busy haha.

my blog would be more interesting i think, i would write dumb whimsical things that i thought were really insightful then copy and paste the lyrics of ten songs i would be listening to that afternoon and we’d all coast on my magical wavelength of bipolar riddles and burns, hmm, oh wait i guess my blog would suck then, but at least i’d be in a better mood.

i think i’m in a seasonal depressive funk, there’s always something right? am i losing my blog mojo? half of you can’t even view my blog properly, should i go back to the old template and say bye to the older posts function?

i’m transcribing my book into a word doc. right now and i can’t tell if it is a piece of crap or not. it isn’t, it’s alright i guess, it’s stuff that happened back in october and further back too.

this update is brought to you by garbage.

no it had nothing to do with me, ha.

we were playing 20 questions, no one ever played 20 questions with me before, so i was like WHAT DAY OF THE WEEK ARE YOU, IF YOU WERE A COLOUR WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? fil just looked at me, anyway on with it, i am john lennon so he is asking away thinking i am kurt cobain and i am trying to help guide him knowing he is thinking i am kurt cobain then he asks my hair colour i say blonde and then table talk saying now it’s a kind of blonde ok? he’s like yeah yeah then to our side at the bar dude spills over on his stool still sitting in it (apparently i did this once before too but i don’t believe it, i was told the next day it happened, nope didn’t happen if i don’t remember it happening) and his backpack flops down and we are now face to face with me sitting down i say wow that was really graceful did you hit your head? his buddy is trying to help him up and so on then fil and i are fighting over whether john lennon is blonde or not, i said dirty blonde, he is in the blonde family, NOT brunette, then he says i have to make a poll on my blog and ask you guys about it then i notice the bartender is asking these dudes to settle up and leave cos they’re so cranked and the dj says yeah that’s him the guy that fell then more scufuffle while fil is still telling me how NOT blonde john lennon is and the guy who fell over sloshes his entire pint in the ‘tender’s face and then tender grabs another glass and sloshes it all over the dude which completely sprays the entire side of fil’s body and my face and bangs and pants and purse ahahahaha then the dude gets manhandled out the door i tell the one guy uh your friend’s bag is on the floor he just walks out then i tell the ‘tender that guy’s backpack is there so he picks it up and slams it into the guy’s face when he gets out the door and later says that was the highlight. we get our drinks for free i tip ten bucks anyway, we leave, so john lennon was dirty blonde i’m right, right?

oh before we left we did some rock paper scissors and i won 90% of the rounds and tried to fight with fil over how great i am at reading people and brought up that fight i had with the french guy on xmas eve about it that turned ugly.