on my way for a tan yesterday i heard a cat mewling and mewling and i was wearing sunglasses because i didn’t wash my face or anything, makeup eyes from the nite before, i wanted to actually tan my face this time as well, anyway, i was walking looking down trying to be as invisible as possible but this cat is meowing and meowing and breaking my heart so i stop in front of this frat house around the corner and there is a cat up on the roof by a window meowing every five seconds so i walk up to the house and start pounding on the huge heavy door (Eliz the house you got weed from) then the window then i notice a doorbell and press it too and this huge fat (older, too old for living in a frat house, we see him cooking hamburgers sometimes on the porch) guy answers, i take down my hood to be more official (but keep my glasses on) and ask if a cat lives in this building he says yes i say well there is a cat on the roof meowing to be let in come with me so he follows me out across the street and i point at this farm-looking cat and he says oh that’s baxter i say can you please let him in it is breaking my heart he says yeah sure and i walk away really slow to time it so he is let in as i am walking away and i can still hear him meowing in my head even though i am four blocks away.

i was a bit antsy about daylight running out cos i didn’t want to look like a weirdo wearing glasses at nite even though we wear sunglasses on cloudy days all the time.

that is my story.

movie nite casualty.

an entire bottle i brought over which in hindsight i am happy about seeing as i had the spins wicked bad when we got home, no more white wine for raymi!

it was that cigarette too!

don’t forget to vote!

i should win because i faced my talking to strangers fear and rescued a cat that was left out in the cold.

here is a cute part from my email exchange with an internet buddy:

he wanted to break up with me because i called him a smug bastard, a dickhead and other things which i wholeheartedly felt he was being. to give you an idea of how right i was, at one point during our fallout, he strutted around the living room, clapping his hands at around head height. when i enquired as to what the fuck he was doing, he replied ”i am applauding your behaviour”!!! so of course i laughed (because that is really funny…poor guy) and told him that he was coming off as a smug bastard. he wanted to leave the room but i vetoed that by standing in the way. so he pushed me, hard against the wall which was alarming…he is a gentle guy usually, and its me that could cause the most mellow of characters to become violent…so.. anyway, i went out and had a lovely day, and came home and he didnt know if he loved me anymore. the first thing i said was ”ok, when are you moving out then?” he said he’d start looking for somewhere tomorrow… well i thought about it for a while and the thing is, i dont want to be without him. so i told him i’d rather cut my head off than live without him. i sort of meant just live in the flat..i didnt mean i would kill myself if he left or anything as deranged. then i told him he meant everything to me. then i farted by accident, a really cute button one. this apparently endeared me to him and he declared i love you! and so the ridiculous cycle goes…

i am just going to try to be really nice for a while.

vote for me for best blog.

vote for me for best personal blog.

vote for me for best humour blog.

unlike last year you only get ONE VOTE per round and thank god for that, it started today and you have ’til the 21st to vote for me then round 1 is over and then round 2 begins.

ps. go vote for philogynist for best photo/art blog!

26 things i am not grateful for using the alphabet

avril lavigne (hey hey you you i’m a fucking douchebag)

barbara streisand (although i did learn from her that her preferred profile is the left side of her face and will only be interviewed from sitting in a chair with the left side of her face toward the camera i don’t even know how i know this but since have decided that the left side of my face is better than the right side)

coconuts (completely useless sweetish watery hairy milk well i guess not completely uselss re: thai cuisine lay off me i’m trying here)

ducks (other than for eating, what good are they? when was the last time a duck ever did something of benefit for you?)

elliptical machine (hey good for you you’re really good at using that elliptical machine you have lost ZERO pounds though no matter you’re a fucking champ at looking like you are cross country skiing while watching maury povich.)

fig newtons (ew. this family we grew up being friends with always had these disgusting cookies that i could never figure out, basically snacks for old people with dentures and no sense of taste)

grape leaves (hey lets make some nice rice and completely ruin it by stuffing it into grape leaves!)

harry potter (sorry, once a kid shows genitalia the magic’s over, that goes for that high school musical slut too, which coincidentally is also an H word).

iguana (no thanks i’ll pass on the salmonella little buddy ps. if i wanted a pet that looked like a dinosaur i would build a time machine.)

jack johnson (bu doo doo buh doo doop bu doodily doo doo i am sitting on a beach cut to video of me surfing now im walking around without shoes i am really good looking and about as interesting as a jar of jam).

kelly ripa (ok i am actually thankful for her she is my number 1 guilty pleasure right now aside from the girls next door i am too lazy to think of a k word)

Lesbian tv shows (seriously there are a million of them right now and they are all terrible and unrealistic)

Monkey wrench (stupid song, fun to play on guitar hero, still, very irritating and makes me think of greasy teenagers)

people who think they like/d Nirvana more than me.

Oprah (thanks for brainwashing my mother)

Pubic hair (thanks for ingrown hairs)

Quality time (what? this will have to be a blog post for another day)

Rocks off (if i ever hear someone say that they need to or want to get their “rocks off” i will get some rocks and bounce them OFF their head)

sepultura (sorry pantera is better and you don’t even like sepultura you just say you do cos they seem like the obvious pairing with pantera)

tarantula (explanation not required)

i need a u word

violence (i know i know i know!)

wal-mart (fuck you guys)

zits

feel free to list your own, i got lazy in the end.

ok so the tiff we had wasn’t that big, i think it was more of a symbolic argument and i felt obligated to defend my honour and also that of every other woman on the planet and fil basically FORCED me to purchase these stupid mats out of spite cos he was dogging them so hard in line with all these people behind me listening in, i whispered fil hey fil he turns around i mouth FUCK YOU then he goes to buy his ten millionth fantasy bible and i go to a separate cash to pay for my mats and yes we were at indigo.

now, i always plan ahead for things, meals, movies, booze, whatever, fil doesn’t, and that’s cool that’s cool, just don’t get up in my face cos i want two dinky mats for the balcony for spring/summer, or to take to the island, especially when these mats are 6 dollars reduced from 25!

fil asked why i needed two of them, because, what if someone wants to lie down with me? our balcony is empty save for three mismatched chairs and i want it to look pretty and inviting. he said he wasn’t going to mention the discount table to me because then i would end up buying something stupid, no worry i saw it first on my own and beelined toward it the second i walked through the door, and i did stop myself from buying two cheese plates with stupid comics printed on them.

mats are practical. what if i decide i am going to do sit-ups on the floor?

also, i want to suntan (for free) on the balcony and laying on the one big towel i have is annoying.

the moral of the story is, if you want to talk me out of buying something, don’t stand in line making fun of me and said item so that everyone can overhear it, i felt stupid. then afterward there was a net sack of pine cones he picked up and said oh look lauren pine cones 75% off! and i couldn’t laugh because i had to win.

back to planning ahead, i do it, he doesn’t, there will be a situation in the future where he will BEG to lie down on one of my mats or we will be out on a walk and find a nice rock to sit on and he will say boy i sure wish i had a mat right now.

fuck my life.

oh and the other one has a nice floral design, it is also lime and yellow.

fil enjoys nothing more than going on nature walks then finding a spot to lie down and read or fall asleep on (i know fun right?) so getting these mats is like me saying alright fine i am resigned to our lifestyle now and more so encouraging it WHY DON’T YOU FUCKING SEE THAT!

women sometimes therapy shop to shut out the many pains of the world they feel in their hearts, if some stupid trinket catches their fancy, they buy it, keep it, or gift it, so let that be, if your lady is happy, then you are happy, it’s not rocket science.

he also said there is no way i will ever carry a mat to the island, so now i will be forced to do that too. THANKS FIL <3. he mentioned what will i do if they get dirty? yes he seriously tried to cock-block these mats in a major way i am getting mad all over again. when he scoffed at the idea of me carrying them to the island i was in the middle of explaining that i would get a piece of twine and tie it around each end and then carry it like a purse but wait wtf why am i even explaining this period!? LKUGP!LK!:OI!G:OUgh’oghp9’bdflobnlo/b! how many of you think i am in trouble when fil gets home? i at least took out the irritating boyfriends part, i just called and gave him a head’s up re: this post. he only cared to know if i mentioned the pine cones part.

when fil goes to the bathroom cid sits here waiting for him, only when he isn’t pawing at the door to be let in, fags.

big time vertigo.

new shoes, stay tuned for a post about a fight over that 6 dollar mat i bought as well as one more (75% off) with fil, what else is new.

my hair is so long i can’t figure out how to not look like goro when i put it in a ponytail.

i feel like meg ryan in you’ve got mail right now (except i don’t make spastic head movements when i talk) i am in bed blogging because i am a sloth. i forgot to mention that we watched mr. bean’s holiday the other nite and it is terrible and the only reason why we watched it is because we have rogers on demand now, there is no way in hell we would have picked up at queen video terrible terrible, though rowan atkinson reminds me of my papa so every other scene i was going aww aww ohh aw aw aw etc.

nice work.

nice face!

i want to go on a sunday drivies today it’s been a long time. i am waiting for fil to realise that he is hungry and wants to make us maple bacon and potatoes and peppers. i bought the worst hair conditioner ever i am not looking forward to washing my hair.

sigh.

i call bullshit on this laptops in bed thing it isn’t even comfortable i am fighting with my legs to keep them bent and it’s making me sweat holy gay.

fil split his pants last nite because we were watching jack osbourne the recruits and i saw him do this move where he 360 degree swoops his leg up and around like a ninja and does it high enough that he touches his hand with his foot so i got up and started doing it too then fil got up and started doing knee jumps and i couldn’t do them (i can’t jump high at all it’s pathetic) anyway he starts throwing it in my face how i can’t jump i go excuse me do the fucking ninja foot swoop move then and he does but barely like shittily very much so and then he goes back to his knee thing showing me how to stretch and bend my knee and then RIP he goes in a tiny voice oh no like it’s my fault and yep he ripped the inside croth part BUT it’s ok cos it was already torn, it was funny cos earlier yesterday he spent a long time sewing it up. i had a drunk giggles attack after he said oh no and felt his thigh then i got down and inspected it. double funny because he was trying to show me how to do his precious knee jump that he was ripping me on and then rips his pants hahahahha. i will make a video of me doing these things to prove that i can.

we watched the royal tenenbaums last nite i forgot how depressing it was, i think i like life aquatic better cos i don’t cry as much during it. i can’t deal with movies that make me feel heartsick to be in them so much.

also i realised that i am not over my margot tenenbaum jealousy and i never will be. every outfit and thing about her is simply perfect and the fact that we are supposed to despise gwyneth paltrow makes it even worse.

new necklace

i finally caved and bought this guy, it was 18 bucks. sigh.

the cherry beer i mentioned before, 4.95 a bottle though, and i also finally got the royal tenenbaums with my hmv gift card from the stuper store on yonge – two copies left.

6%

dropped in at cafe nervosa for carpaccio and a beer all that walking got me hungry and crabby, fil likes it better than bar mercurio’s, i don’t, it’s very good but too thin for me. during the film festival a lot of celebs were spotted at cafe nervosa, i can’t remember who, and i don’t care. ok i do care. we were sitting beside a total golddigger who had the boringest stories.

i loooooooooove eavesdropping on rich people’s conversations they’re so terrible!

multi-coloured lenses make me look like i have a black eye.

itchiest hat ever.

frank magazine losers forum. the people they are making fun of weren’t even there for my show, just bar regulars. sad sad people.

after i saw the royal tenenbaums for the first time i went and got a 200 dollar haircut and dye job to look like gwyneth paltrow did, except with bangs.

whenever i eat ham or soup i pretend i am a delicate old man and eat tiny little bites very slowly, sometimes i pretend i am in an orphanage or i am homeless, i started doing this when i was a little kid from seeing an episode of the simpsons when mr. burns is cutting himself tiny slices of ham and he goes i’m full and there is a long table of food, platter after platter of expensive and delicious things to eat and all he can manage is the tiniest bite of ham.

anyway i have extended this act to soups too. right now i am eating carrot and butter bean soup like it is the end of the world and there is a grey blanket over my shoulders and i am friends with the people on the ship from the matrix, i try to stretch it out as long as possible eating a tiny bowl of soup because once it is finished i will perish or shrivel up and die or turn into an old wrinkly witch why did i share this?

i told this to fil once when we were eating ham, i can’t remember how he reacted, maybe he will say so in my comments.

oh and if anyone was ever wondering what one of fil’s lectures look like, here:

the moral of this post is it’s easy to find a boyfriend who likes to lecture you.