also, it’s safe to say that ledger had a “type”

dude pictured is not heath.

+++

why do we care so much about celebrity death, why do we get so sad, i mean, people die all the time, people we know, people we don’t. i think it’s tough to deal with your feelings over someone’s death you never even knew because it feels haunting, and makes you sick, like you lost a hand and now you have phantom pain, is it there, no it’s not, but you feel it still. when celebrities die it forces us to look at ourselves, something we don’t particularly enjoy doing, that’s why we look at celebrities instead, that’s their purpose for us, and thanks to gossip entertainment blogs and magazines, we get constant updates on these persons. oh one expired, this cannot be, not allowed, basically.

i did have a point.

it feels like we know these people and that they are within our grasp and that it is actually possible to meet them, but then they die, and we realize how far away they actually are from us, and that we don’t know them, if we did we’d know they had secret drug problems, suffered from depression, real people shit.

it’s also tough when pretty people die. do you think kurt cobain’s death would have been as big a deal if he wasn’t so cute? how many people give a shit as much about elliott smith?

i didn’t want to come across as campy and i try to avoid blogging about what everyone else is blogging about, it’s like a big duuuuuuuh but i’m a sensitive person, when people die, i think about it a lot, probably too much, and i think about my life and how i will die one day and i wonder if i am suicidal too, and i probably am, i doubt i’d ever do it though, it’s a taboo subject to even discuss.

when someone dies out of the blue like that it is a tragedy, it makes you even feel a little bit guilty like, oh i should have been paying more attention to heath ledger.

when there isn’t a defined answer for something, or a reason, or even a goodbye kiss, that’s when it’s the toughest.

guilt and sadness aside from stress, i think, are the hardest things for humans to make sense of, to handle, and when you feel them both at the same time, it is an implosion in your heart. it feels like being tossed into a swimming pool wrapped in a quilt, try fighting your way out of that.

here’s a quote i memorized when i was a depressed teenager that i repeat to myself when i am extra sad and i offer it as advice to friends and loved ones:

it’s true that loneliness has a bite but the trick is to stand up in it and not be swept away.

now i’m pretty sure if/when these dudes bite it i won’t be the least bit saddened.