here is an excerpt from sundays with vlad i have been meaning to transcribe since i first read it (great book btw, i’m still working on it, these days i read pretty slow).

excerpt:

in a live-action role-playing game, or LARP, like the one played by the camarilla, everybody dresses up like their character and they act out what their character does. the players use a complicated system of signals and hand gestures to tell other folks what they’re doing as they wander the[hotel]halls–a vampire who is using some kind of special seeing or hearing ability might point to his eye or his ear with his left index finger. while i follow hermann, i hold up my hand with my first two fingers crossed – the signal for being out of the game, as well as the universal symbol for “i’m lying to you about not stealing your pop-tarts” on every schoolyard in america. a player might also cross a hand over his chest to indicate that he’s invisible or make an L with his fingers to indicate that she’s speaking a different language.

end excerpt.

he’s talking about this yearly hotel weekend gathering of nerds doing live action role play, pretty hilarious. if i wasn’t so hung i would transcribe some more.

we are on the last roll of tp, we fight about who should buy it all the time, i use more than fil cos i got two places to wipe, fine, but now that he’s home with me crapping up a storm i think it’s closer to equal now. one time we fought so hard about toilet paper we didn’t speak to each other all the way home in the car. he likes to mime that he is wrapping a tp mitt around on his hand, i don’t even do that. anyway fil this is a head’s up it’s your turn to buy tp memo. oh i can already hear him slamming on his keyboard across the room writing me a flame in my comments.

i have never ever looked at the ceiling at the shoe before thanks to these balloons it finally happened.

too bad kiefer sutherland is serving time, we saw him playing pool once on canada day, maybe he woulda turned up oh man that would be so awesome.

fil and helium.

what’s up guys?

i am kind of arwen right now.

i started the ribbons thing then everyone did it go me go.

i love britt’s camera it makes my skin look all dewy.

my face sucked up all the flash because gill is not tanned at all. these are britt’s pictures.

we went to the horseshoe’s 60th anniversary party last nite, gord downie did three songs, one being search and destroy, i got em all on video. this mental guy in the front beside me kept pumping his hand out for gord to shake the entire time and while filming i was like ok i gotta give him my card but the guy’s shake my hand desperation got me anxious and i was starting to worry for him that gord wouldn’t shake his hand, but then at the end he did and then some others and the give him my card moment passed.

i met one of the barenaked ladies (tyler stewart) and he said he already knew me and my blog, he is in the elliott brood video i’m in too as a mounty, he said it [my blog] is a really good blog. k-os ignored me it’s ok fil took my picture beside him sneaky-like. i ignored jian ghomeshi. there was free labatt 50 all nite long and food and cute decorations. you’re not supposed to drink 50 though or any labatt products cos nq arbuckle said at a show that they sponsor ku klux klan rallies. when we first showed up the door guys laughed at fil and said oh of course he’s the first one here, fil is basically a fixture there like that homeless guy who always parties at the shoe, he was there last nite too. i kissed him once on his beard and it had wet all over it and the next day i got lock-jaw i’m amazing don’t forget it.

remind me to talk shit about niagara falls later.

my hands have begun their winter-transformation into scaly wrinkly british old lady lizard hands yes! i swear if i didn’t have some french in me i would look like a prune with mascara on already thanks dad for slummin’ it! heh.

update again

i decided that going out in search of a holiday shirt will only stress me out more so i am going to sit here and enjoy my stress in a sweater i have only worn once before, as a lesson that buying things when you feel on-edge is not a solution even though it sounds funny when you write it down, in reality the funny, not so much.

this sweater has a rainbow on it and a hipster(dubious)-looking yellow cloud i want to suck my thumb until new year’s. at least there is oprah. i swear she was invented for the mentally unbalanced, here is something to kill an hour by and feel like you are actually bettering your life. suckers.

we are going to another party tonite, i think my stress/nerves have something to do with it. anticipating the ten millionth nite of debauchery and being “on” for strangers then throw in some minor “celebs” where i continually say something stupid or yeah hi we actually met months ago at such and such event/party/show, they remember me and i never remember them but i have to act like i do. or sometimes they talk up fil for ten minutes and ignore me, you see a tall dude flanked by five bitches, it makes other girls think he is single for some reason or NOT with me, so to deal i either tune it out passive aggressively, get very introverted, or get (most likely) absurdly buzzed and whisper angry comments in fil’s ear. it’s not a jealousy thing even though it comes across that way, and yes i fully admit i am wickedly jealous, what it is i think mostly the first thing, bad nerves, and anxiety in social situations, coupled with bipolar where i feel trapped in being “on” and then feeling obligated to keep track of everything that is happening, mainly fil. now do this 5 nites a week.

i plan to scatter some of my cards around tonite and fil told me i have to be subtle about it, yeah i know thanks manager, way to psyche me out i do that enough as it is already i don’t need any extra help with it.

oprah makes me feel even more depressed than i was to begin with.

i wrote her a letter once when i lived in maine, she did not reply.

i am retardedly stressed out! christmas! fil’s birthday is on the 17th! thanks a lot fil!

i am going to go buy a “holiday shirt” to deal with it. this will fix me.

ps. email me (raymitheminx@gmail.com) if you want to partake in ah uh um celebration of sorts on dec. 15 ok.

i am also losing my tan for anyone who cares. i bet i spent 300 dollars on it altogether.

comparing notes?

update: fil came home i am waiting for him to make me a tuna melt i am sitting in a stressed-out trance wearing a towel and staring at the park with snow on it wondering why it is a fun activity to play in a cold snow covered park with a recluse like me staring at you in a wet towel.

three nites ago party.

we’ve been hanging around the discounted meats section man people are vicious over there, anyway, couldn’t tell a difference.

there is no internet at my dad’s it feels like visitting another planet.

i’ve been pigging out lately a bit, as in, eating somewhat normally and it has made me lose a bit more weight. huh? some skeptics railed against the raymi diet saying oh you are going to gain it all back gauranteed once you start eating normally again. WRONG. anyway st.louis has a new wing flavour, cajun dust, and it blasted my face off. i don’t normally eat garbage as you all know from my constant nagging about it, but now i have come to realise that my metabolism is back in-tact and i can dine like an american, again. during the weed days, every nite i ate 6 slices of pizza with dipping sauce, chinese food, anything that delivered til 3am, and i looked liked a twig. come late-january it will be a year since i began my starvation-adventure. yes you care. the point of this is, i am not afraid of french fries anymore, i’ll eat maybe a 1/4 of them but not obsess over it while i’m doing it, it’s cheesy but changing your mentality about food is a big part of weight-loss success where is oprah?

those pants for example i bought when i was 19 and now they fit again, back when size 7/8 could fit normal people, now a 7/8 is like a 5/6, thanks h&m and nicole richie!

wow flattering much thanks dad!

another one of my mom’s X-large cast-aways (cinching it at the back). if you wear bigger, then you look bigger. i’m not going to say it again.

yes i am.

the white oak is an institution, an institution of breakfast. the owners know EVERYTHING about EVERYONE in oakville and started to gab with fil about his old friends and referred to one guy as fries ‘n gravy. man i wish i had nicknames for people like that, hey taco! what’s up gelato? ribs call me! dude is kinda agoraphobic so once we tell him this there is no way he will ever go back there.

fil puts ketchup all over this and cuts it all up like a big mash-up. gross.

i like to eat as fast as i can and then get the hell out of there, sitting around staring at my empty plate gives me heavy guilt and then i have to watch fil pile ketchup covered toast and eggs and bacon slowly into his mouth drives me crazy.

bedtime w/ rocky. this is a little, or a lot, gay.

yesterday afternoon i left fart club and went on a mini-vacation to BURLYngton to see my dad and eat chicken wings and look at wing chairs and go to indigo and watch tv.

i get really agitated on the train i feel like everyone is counting how many times i flick my hair or cross and re-cross and cross my legs. i blew it and sat on the wrong-facing side of the seat too and had to act like i meant to do it and i could see white collar dudes checking me out in the window reflection like they’re all sly or something. i want to say sorry i don’t normally fidget so much you should see me on the couch where there is a normal amount of space to get comfortable in WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME*???

*jennifer love hewitt i know what you did last summer voice.

sighsighsighhhsiiighssigh.

sigh rocky.

i don’t want to make you jealous but we went to burlington mall. it was lame. on our way out i said i have to take my picture in front of this sad mirror and my dad wandered on ahead and this girl was watching me on a bench and she made eye-contact with my dad and they both laughed and she goes oh my sister does this all the time and i walk over and say are you making fun of me little girl? (in perfectly comedic-timed dane cook voice so she wasn’t scared) and she gets a bit nervous and says no and then as we walked away some more i said loud enough (hopefully) for her to hear you know you aren’t supposed to talk to strangers in malls.

i bet her sister doesn’t even have a blog.

the sales guy kind of broke our hearts, my dad picked out two chairs.

crazy lady on my dad’s street.

i <3 m-kate you can't stop me.

fil texted to tell me he had a zit on his face cos i said he better look ugly out on the town w/o me then i picked up my purse from the wrong side it was open and dumped all over the floor. fil‘s zit made art.

this bed is about as wide as a gurney, quite soft though. once i wake up in the morning it is impossible to get back to sleep cos the sun blasts through your brain and eyelids like a suntan bed, so i basically get 5 hours sleep opposed to my usual 20 ha.

rocky kept falling off and was too timid to walk over me so he would walk all the way around instead and then fall off once he got to the part he wanted to snuggle me at.

can you imagine if there were two of me my head hurts just thinking about it, hmm, maybe i would have a million dollar empire like the olsens if so? yeah right we’d be like a barely less shitty than tegan and sara duo.

michelle

flying

fixing a hole

she’s leaving home

here’s an interview i did for a paper i’ll tell you of later when it’s published.

What have your experiences been with internet sex-related work?

i was an online “model” for ten months, which means i had a curtained off little room with a bed and computer and remote webcam that i controlled and chatted to lonely persons wearing my underwear, they weren’t wearing my underwear, i was wearing it, and my job was to entice them to take me private, which is buying minutes to have me to themselves for whatever chunk of time they wanted and then they could call in and talk to me and then we would phonesex and they could watch me do my thing, my skin is crawling as i type this right now hahaha.

Is/was online modeling/performing a lucrative business?

yes it was and i imagine still is for the company and the independent contractor, if you work at it.

What measures have you taken in order to market yourself to those who watch you online or read your blog? How did you set yourself apart from others in the same position?

a lot of people like to give me shit and say oh yeah you bloggers and that’s so easy etc, and yeah sure it is, but the thing that sets you apart from the others is your personality and style, how i am on my blog is just a carry-over from how i am in real life, it’s not rocket science, if you are interesting to begin with it will obviously be the same in internet-form. i rely on word-of-mouth as marketing measures, i’m pretty lazy and have been told multiple times that if i did this, or if i did that, the potential goldmine i’m sitting on would whatever blah bla blah. if something is good then it catches on, if it isn’t then it dies. i’ve been doing this since 2000 and people still care for some reason.

How much control do performers/models have when it comes to sex-based entertainment online? What are the pros and cons of freelancing vs. working for somebody?

based on my experience from watching the four different half hour reality porn shows that are on showcase every friday nite i have learned that it is good to be working for someone because like living in a condo or something if something’s broke it gets fixed, if you’re on your own then you have to do it yourself. why do i sound like an irish plumber right now? the con of working for someone is you have to do as you’re told and if you don’t go by the rules you’re out of there, the pro is more exposure and money.

Are spectators generally respectful? Have you ever felt threatened/disgusted/etc. by someone who watched you online, and could you share any interesting experiences you’ve had interacting with “the viewers at home?”

i don’t know if you mean my blog or when i was modelling. generally people are respectful, there are many “flamers” too and stalkers, i have felt threatened sure, i try and watch how i deal with people sometimes you can smell the crazy right from the start while others it can be someone you’ve chatted with here and there for years and then one day out of nowhere the crazy comes out and you’re like oh great they know all my secrets. you have to be careful.

Was it easier to capture peoples’ attention when you began your internet presence as opposed to now? Has internet work, sex-based and otherwise, changed much since you started? And what are your future plans as far as that goes?

in the beginning there was less of a blogging community so less readers, now more people are turning to the internet to pass time so it’s easier. nothing’s really changed other than the emergance of celebrity gossip blog/sites, we are hugely “fascinated” by celebrity more than ever before because of the speedy access of entertainment media the internet gives us. my future plan, well pipedream really, is to be more shallow and exploited and be on one of those ridiculous gossip blogs, i know, sad.

fil POSING as usual with MY hat.

and here we learn just how anal gillian is, who sets a table at 4 in the morning when you’re blasted out of your mind and people are on their way out the door?

here i am having a no pants party by myself.

seriously i got my pants off but everything else i cannot fathom.

next morning, what happened? ok back to party.

remember this guy? apparently my mom accidentally threw these socks in the bag along with five-thousand of the same grandma sweaters she handed-down to me, half of which i brought to gill’s party. my mom asked if i liked any of them, dear mom, you have huge cannons i do not therefore you buy large-sized sweaters, i do not, in fact, i look like a sexless potato with a hunchback when i wear them, stop buying these sweaters and stop giving them to me, you have a problem. these socks were meant for my niece.

i finally cleaned the mirror yesterday (not shown here) fil and i’s mexican stand-off ended and he didn’t even know we were having one ugg MEN! i just caught him “soaking” a pan and exfuckingploded.

yeah yeah blah bla i have skinny legs lets look at them together.

that’s original. fil recently learned that he is 6’4, so he grew an inch. BONER! i like to say that he has a tumour on his pituitary gland like all those really tall people have on the tlc freaks of nature shows. one time he and aimee and i were walking along and he tried to pull the haha you’re short thing on me and asked if i felt left out and tiny i said no, i feel average-height. backfire!

first!

fancy food guilt.

total princess.

i busted britt in a lie she said that dvd just came out and it was difficult to get, my dad already has it and apparently i watched it with him before.

goldfinger guy was crouch-kneeling for a long time and didn’t complain once wtf?

meanwhile brad and i are perched on an ottoman together and i kept telling him to watch it on the snacks, giving skinny people complexes is fun(ny).

hipster ‘cubes?

someone actually asked in my comments what the significance of the map and flags are, seriously, do you want to tell them for me? (not being mean here just sayin’)

stop showin’ me up chinadoll!

nice stoner art you made there gill.

hey are you going to joke night at the drake? ok i’ll catch you at stone’s place later on then, word!

tiffany kept telling me how funny i am all night long so then i couldn’t turn it off GOD!

cliquey girls that talked to me for zero seconds. i left jonathan with them on my way out for a smoke and yelled out to them to ask him why he was wearing sandals so as i was putting on my jacket and hat he is like you fucking bitch pointing at me while getting into story-telling mode for these ladies who were all baked too haha.

i was making my gymnasium floor joke for the thousandth-time on my way out of the bedroom with my coat and cigarette and then extrapolated from that by pretending there were lockers to my left and then i see the girl party and said and then you have your clique of girls and jonathan tried to get me in trouble for it but it of course blew up in his nerd-target face so he had to stand up and talk to them all by himself, halfway through his pathetic diet pepsi black toe story the music turned off ahahahahahahAHAHAHA.

k now pose.

pose.

stop flirting.

stop telling people you are annexing my hat it’s not going to happen.