oh i just finished writing a piece for laist, today is the 50th anniversary of On the road so why not exploit my bloodtie a little. i’ll link it later on when it’s up, those west coasters are three hours behind. typical.
coincidence that it is my nana and papa’s 50th wedding anniversary also.
+++
i’m making a playlist for my nana and papa’s 50th anniversary this weekend and now i know how DJs feel like god, yes, i feel like god right now and the biggest creative genius ever. next time i meet a dj i will pat them on the back and say i understand (why you’re such an arrogant dick).
last week, or the one before it, i went out to this whimsical disposable income store on bloor, you know the one where there are kooky soaps lotions wrapping papers magnets notebooks shit you don’t need but great for last minute presents no one would ever buy for themself, i went there to get wendi a birthday present, it was hot as hell and i am in a hurry to get back and then walk to the party in kensington, i’m pretty hungry too and totally spaced out i must have circled the store five times before i settled on a ron jeremy pin and a notebook that you write down new bands/artists in, the label, recommended by, she works in the music industry, perfect, cute, fun, bla bla blah.
ok so i pass on buying a gift bag, overpriced, waste, too big i don’t want to carry a huge gay bag on a hot day when i could just stuff it in my purse and we also have road vodkas to bring and tallboys, so i pass hoping and/or assuming this whimsical little shoppe does the brown bag with handles thing and curls some ribbon on it for you, i ask the dude (gay crotchety with a limp, not ragging on him, just observations here, normally it’s hot skinny young spinster chicks or feminist short hairs manning the ’til ha manning, feminists) for a brown paper bag he says no sorry YOU GET PLASTIC (oh i’m wearing my pillowcase dress if this helps with the setting for you) in his head he is thinking (this occurs to me as i am leaving) that i am a tree hugger and i want to save the planet and NOT to make my present look more presentable for no additional cost, i mutter a haha it’s a gift you know, he doesn’t hear it, i pay and stuff the present in its tiny plastic bag into my purse and he says in a total cunty tone OH WELL YOU’RE GOING TO HIDE IT THEN ANYWAY! like accusing me of being ashamed to carry a plastic bag instead of simply being lazy, he is like, beside himself with my audacity to ask for a paper bag and then accept the plastic one and “hide it” so i turn and it clicks in my head he is thinking i am a granola soap sliver saving boring poetry slamming typical customer so i say in a jokey tone of voice ha yeah i’m killing the planet yeah. but he heard it as YOU are killing the planet and as i am walking out the door now he SNAP SCREAMS after me IT’S BIODEGRADABLE YOU KNOW!
firstly, no, it isn’t, secondly IF it were it still causes harm to the environment, thirdly, why are you YELLING at a customer who just dropped thirty dollars on your whimsical shitty useless merchandise? FOURTHLY why didn’t it click in your head that i was buying a present for someone do you think i buy shit for myself like that daily? fifthly, why didn’t you offer to wrap it for me like the women do who work there, in that nice tissue paper that makes my heart sing and then i thank them in this total lesbo girl crush grateful voice afterward?
oh and then i told this story at the party and one dude ARGUED no corrected me, MY OWN STORY, that the shoppe guy was actually joking with me and i was wrong WTF! excuse me can’t you tell i am doing a bit here way to blow it some guy at a party with a kid who hates me!
we did homemade caesar dressing/hearts of romaine again i was too hungry to take pictures, this is the aftermath.
goat cheese brie.
what who’s that?
wendi got me the smallest shot of vodka in the world and probably most expensive too.
alice in chains pictures are even shittier, lucky you.
no offense, zzzzz, though fil was frothing at the mouth, HUGE fan that guy.
on the way there.
ed mirvish tribute.
backstage vip where we watched (most of) velvet revolver from a tv. class.
gill.
lawncare wendi.
ok here we go.
that red thing has been on my shoulder since mexio, summer 2004. my doctor said it’s a bite my body reacted to. feh.
my face/nose as coral reef, trying to capture my zit, the flash ate it. you can check out the other zit on the top right of my mouth. oh and see my lips hoe in the middle one part is missing? i think i got fwapped in the face as a kid or fell and bit my lip or something i have since blocked out. every week this dry layer grows back and i rip it off with my teeth and then drink red wine and have red wine stain for the rest of the nite.
oh here’s something new it’s called brushing my teeth.
then st. mary’s showed up. on a hunch they texted me to see if we were there.
fil in a drunk vortex, gill in a yawn vortex.
i invented the blink pose.
+++
there are more pictures from the weekend in my flickr i don’t want my blog to take ages to load anymore, you can cycle back through the pages. here is what i would look like if i was a disney character:
that outfit i’m wearing is so fucking stupid i can’t stop laughing.
Tony: im glad you like our Golden Gals Gone Wild coverage i thought of you as i was there
me: aw
Tony: if you lived here i could have gotten you to paint something and hung in that collection
me: fully!
Tony: seriously the curator would love you if she knew you
me: ya burn on me for being canadian
Tony: not in the slightest i love canadia
me: me too if that was in canada that art show would have been way more of a party
Tony: would your boy giovanni be there just walking home?
me: it is not a celebrity contest tony in toronto no one cares about celebs they are made fun of and yeah he prolly would i mean a celeb would
Tony: is that why they make so much fun of you?
me: i am not a celebrity and they make fun of me because i am an asshole witch
Tony: AHAHAHAHAHA
me: it is very toronto to rip on people just cos they are in the public eye it’s very fucking crude it’s like oh yeah i saw that guy on tv HES A FUCKING LOSER thats toronto
Tony: ahahaha but if a guy wears big shorts and puts on ice skates for work hes a damn god
me: i dont follow oh you mean ridiculous hipster ideals how many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? YOU MEAN, YOU DON’T KNOW? canada wins again tony pierce
Tony: ahahaha i dont know of hipsters since you and fil would be on the top of the list
me: well it was mentioned last nite that we are not we are actually BETTER than hipsters
Tony: to the untrained eye, you know that you would be perceived as such
me: yeah but then when you meet me and realise that the degreee to which i suffer from self-esteem/arrogance issues is so off the charts bananas you don’t know what the fuck i am i dont really fit in anywhere oh i guess i am a humourist so i am my own people
Tony: thats for sure
me: if i had more money and better style and a tinier waist i would be a hipster for sure
Tony: baby your body is perfect
me: what did i tell you about using that word i am not a drooling bald asshole standing up in a crib
