ROFL.

this skirt doesn’t fit me right, you can have it if you want, it was forty bucks, just get me a couple glasses of jameson’s, fair trade.

so what happened at the show last nite i am too lazy to type it as a whimsical story so here it is in chat format:

me:
i ploughed a girl last nite at a concert
she was being passive aggressive
i was going excuse me excuse me to get by
she wouldnt instead she pretended not to hear or notice me and put her elbow out into my stomach not touching but to block me
so i said really cunty OH SO YOU’RE NOT GOING TO MOVE THEN?
then just plowed thru her
she was fat and shorter with glasses and ugly hair
oh and i was standing on a million broken beer bottles all this broken glass
and she wouldnt move
THEN her short bitter portly friend as we are in front waits for fils back to be turned taking pics and i got shoved by her i slowly turned my head and body around to see what the fuck and had the crazy eye and the girl got all flustered and said sorry and really meant it then stepped away from her friend and me.

the most annoying thing about nerd magnet bands is the type of nerds that come out, they think they own the band and fuck you if you get in the way, i like them more and this floorspace is mine, fine, i just want to get around you if you so much as sigh as i do so i will set fire to your LOTR fan fiction I MEAN IT!

last nite inspired me to write a guide to insecurity.

please PLEASE remind me to tell you about the first date couple we sat beside at red room before the show oh MAN.

+++

an email from liane:

lauren,

liane.

i am smirking like an imp because this dude is all up in fil’s space telling him how to take pictures and he just wouldn’t shut the fuck up or detect that he was annoying the shit out of us. i think he was on blow and he was partying in the break your heart dive next door.

after the ours show, which was amazing, best show since datarock. i will tell you a story after i get some caffeine, about a passive aggressive nerd girl.

a street dude was giggling uncontrollably lying sideways on a vent with his elbow propping him up behind fil when he was taking this then this street woman goes over to him laughing too hunched over cackling. nice.

i swear this is a fucking nerd magnet band, but i don’t care, if you like and swoon over jeff buckley you will like this guy.

+++

if anyone cares this is what i use to make coffee everyday because i am living in the dark ages and i boil water over a fire in the park. then i let it simmer, do its thing for a bit, press the shit down, then put it in the fridge when it is cooled off enough and drink it the next day with ice and milk who wouldn’t want to marry me?

then i look on from the kitchen and washing dishes with a little girl as fil plays battleship with some boy.

and everyone is happy.

my dad/grandma’s house has been torn down, it happened on monday.

HELLO SAKE I AM IN A SADNESS NOW.

i am going to draw a picture in MS paint to represent the sadness brb.

oh my brother called me and he found the girl gremlin facebook picture to be hilarious, he saw that i added a new photo and was like oh it’s that gremlin i used to make fun of lauren by then he saw that it was HIS name tagged on it and exploded.

he is trying to think of a snarky comeback right now.

HAHAHAHHAHAHA

robofunk‘s mushroom experience

all the way down

So, I had way too many mushrooms at once, this one time and I knew it before they even started to kick in. I was pretty paranoid about what they were going to do to me so I entertained my friends with obsessive compulsive cleaning of the campsite we were on and I took a mere 90 minutes to split a couple of logs for the fire. A fine example of how I do things. They were sitting back enjoying the ride, laughing their asses off at the futility of my struggle, while I railed against it and made bad choice after bad choice.

As darkness fell, my surrender instinct got the better of me and I flew off into the treetops from the comfy vantage point of a reclining lawnchair. Time went away completely and damn if the flicker of the leaves against the breeze wasn’t the most intoxicating thing I’d ever seen. We also answered the question: how could you listen to Beyonce for 6 hours straight? Answer: Extreme drug-induced laziness.

I miss the emptiness that was in my head that day. There’s only one other thing that can burn all my thoughts so effectively but a naked marathon on the mechanical bull just seems so passé now.

i invite you to share your funny drug stories in my comments, thank you.

i put this picture in one of my facebook albums and tagged my brother’s name on it, inside joke (from gremlins2 duh) we used to impersonate the way this chick gremlin sang and copied her facial expressions, the way she pursed out her lips and she did this moany mmm mmm mmmm noise between breaths then we’d kill ourselves laughing and whoever said the other person was HER first won the burn title, so, i googled gremlims, found this, tagged him, i win. he will shit his pants laughing when he sees it i will let you know his reaction as it is crucial to your thursday internet enjoyment.

i am going to try and find the clip on youtube it is so uncomfortable like that red guy american idol clip when he sings bohemian rhapsody.

oh man i am dying of laughter right now and i am crying can’t breathe that video never tires.

look how angry my mii (wii) raymi is i have to make her skinnier cos i lost weight she is still carrying winter boozeweight, two year’s worth, she needs a new hairstyle too, my hair is long and bangs have grown out. fil’s guy used to wear sunglasses because he is cool, yes he is scowling.

warning, you might heave.

me: you didnt answer my question about collecting rainwater
are you going to do that too now
then let it warm in the sun
and wash your hair with it

Phil: oh haha shut it

me: are you going to pick wildflowers and water them with rainwater and drink rainwater from your satchel canteen that is covered in oldschool army tarp

Phil: i will convert my old hacky sack into a beanie

me: BARF

Phil: and collect the hair clumps you leave in the drain and squeeze out the used shampoo so i can re-use it on my hair

me: EWWWWWWWWWWWWW are you going to do yoga while you watch the discovery channel and bake hemp bread

Phil: UNCOOKED hemp bread – don’t want to waste electricity
i only eat uncooked things from now on
that dont have feelings

me: oh nice a raw foodist, that’s not at all obnoxious

Phil: raw pain-free food
i will eat crab apples that fall from the tree naturally

me: um what foods have feelings? yogurt?

Phil: but only if they don’t fall too far that would be cruel

me: this is actually pissing me off
hahaa
people like this exist

Phil: i will eat only cheese from a goat that has a problem with over-lactating (so i will be helping it out my taking the build-up of milk)

me: i cant wait to punch you when you get home

Phil: NOOO you might hurt some bacteria

me: cos i know in yer head you are kind of agreeing with this and if you had the patience you would actually carry some of this out

Phil: oh come on, no i woul.. ok some i would shut up

me: HA
well you do take long showers
and daily
you should be bathing once every 4 days, captain planet

Phil: oh no i am conflicted

me: i am saving the planet more than you are

Phil: by being one of the unwashed heathen?

me: every other day is fine
sometimes i bathe everyday tho
fuck, living in the annex has really affected you

Phil: omg no i have always been like this

me: well you have been in secret then

Phil: no, i have always made you knock off your heater and then throw your butt in the garbage

me: you use to turn on a whole stove to make a hot dog
or toast the bun

Phil: well…
i was dumb then
and it was two VEGGIE dogs

me: oh so it cancels it out then?
so i can run the microwave and the hairdryer and all the lights cos i am collecting rainwater

Phil: no but it mitigates the environmental footprint i am creating

me: oh my fucking FUCK
i cant believe you said that
you should start an annex activity club

Phil: ha ha i was BEING FUNNY

me: you get together with spinster artists and talk about saving the environment
FUN

Phil: I WAS JOKING
kinda

me: are you going to do reiki too

Phil: you go too far woman
you know i dont buy into that hocus pocus mumbo jumbo crap

raymi: what you don’t think it’s important to WORK ON YOUR SPIRIT?

+++

so unless you live in fraggle rock or have a life, you’ve heard about all the news gossip regarding avril lavigne ripping off chantal kreviazuk and some other band and getting sued (HA!) and now this, you must listen, it will blow your mind like a penis. get her, peaches!

she is SO FUCKED!

also, i love it when she is asked about her fug sum41 husband and she is all blase about it, says oh yeah we are secure, we can do our separate thing bla etc. it’s painfully obvious she is SO NOT FEELING HIM and it hurts my heart, really it does, i lose sleep.

i can’t WAIT for this to come out!

more of the same

fil thinks these are porno, i said it’s just the socks, they change everything like oh this girl is thirteen and her interests include skipping, pigtails, rainbows and tea parties please stop jerking off.

H&M socks don’t last very long when you walk all over toronto good thing i have 6 other pairs.

peep my pipes.

+++

Phil: well get going sweetness cuz i will be home soon and the only thing i will be doing is making and eating my lesbian macaroni

me: THAT SOUNDS LIKE SO MUCH FUN FOR ME TO BE HOME IN TIME FOR

Phil: oh i meant… nvrmnd
no if you’re gone when i get home then i guess that makes sense so you dont have to watch me

raymi: ha
cos lesbironi is such an event

merkley???: work with the mistakes not against them

me: i am trying

merkley???: embrace them
make it into barf

me: no this piece is whimsical
cant

merkley???: ha ha — you said “piece”
art fag

me: i thought you would like that
im sending you a picture tell me what to do
sending to @merkley
sent
tell me now

merkley???: must be a big file, didnt get it yet

me: omfg i hate yer email account
everytime i fucking email

merkley???: its YOU

me: im sending to gmail
and i hate you
ITS YOU

merkley???: it prob didnt even leave your computer yet

me: oh you dick
it is you always only you
everyone else gets my email
its you
i emailed it a thousand years ago
you didnt get it

merkley???: look in your out box

me: i did

merkley???: still uploading i bet

me: it’s sent
ITS GONE COS I AM DOING OTHER THINGS NOW THATS HOW GMAIL WORKS