RAYMI’S GUIDE TO NICOLE RICHIE

ok here is what i did to lose 20lbs (plan to lose more).

i think the main factor was going off zoloft, it’s been a year since i have been off the drug, which is how long it takes to fully leave your system and your metabolism goes back to normal, so basically everything i was doing this time last year wasn’t going to work anyway.

i watch what i eat, i avoid carbs, i walk a lot (with fil), and i drink more whiskey than beer, or boring cocktails, sodas/vodka whatever. i know if i stopped drinking the weight would fly right off instantly but you know i’m a lakaholiq so fuck that.

now that it’s warm we walk everywhere, it’s insane to picture myself in a cab right now all that wasted money and laziness, walking cancels out all the boozing, partially at least. if we are running late we’ll take a cab to wherever we go but we always drunk-walk home, it’s fun, we do sidestreets and alleys.

protein is important, sashimi instead of sushi, remember no carbs. but you don’t have to rule them out completely cos you will totally lose your mind if you don’t have a little here and there. oh and your bowel movements will be close to non-existent which will piss you off.

i have a double espresso everyday and sometimes a tea also, the british way, yes with sugar and 1% milk, i put milk in my espresso also which would then make it not an espresso but whatever, i also put sugar in it, two cubes, my body can metabolize sugar alright enough so i don’t get all nazi about it.

i think your mentality is a huge determining factor in getting slim, if you obsess over every little thing it consumes you completely and you are always miserable and annoying, you know when you’re looking for love and desperate you don’t ever find it, apply that to losing weight. don’t set yourself a goal, that’s ridiculous, you will not meet it, just have an idea of when you don’t want to be a house anymore.

the french are so trim they say cos their mentality is better off than north americans, when they eat all that rich fatty buttery food they don’t think THIS IS GOING STRAIGHT TO MY THIGHS what they think is ARAH AH HO HO AHHO I AM A SNOTTY FRANCAISE LADY PERSON ON A BEEEYUTIFUL TERRACE EATING A DEELISHIOOSE FROMAGE BAGUETTE basically they enjoy their food they are not afraid of it, and they eat smaller servings. they walk everywhere too.

so caffeine is essential cos it gets your metabolism going, i use to do the energy drinks but they sketched me out, plus all that sugar, anyway, caffeine and bananas = dumpcity. that’s good. also, i mentiond this before, if you ever want to shit your pants, don’t eat all day, go to a bar, drink a glass of house red and eat a small caesar salad, get someone to tell you a long story that requires your full attention cos they whisper-talk (it will stress you out), fart a little bit and then, well, that’s that.

i eat once a day, this is possible cos during the day i work online and sit in the same position for hours and am an agoraphobe and suffer from depression (wah wah wah sooooo sad) anyway, i can coast on caffeine adrenaline until dinner. NO SNACKING. if you are a snacker i don’t know what to tell you i don’t snack. you are likely emotionally stuffing your face and/or stress-eating and there is some other issue you have to sort out.

no french fries, order salad, no creamy dressing, no dessert, no junk food, no garbage, no chips, NO FAST FOOD. EVER AGAIN. DEAL WITH IT.

when you eat once a day people will berate you, ignore them and focus on yourself, they are jealous cos they don’t have the willpower. they will also say OH once you start eating regularly again the weight will come back, you know what, you won’t, and it won’t. while you are coasting on caffeine adrenaline and empty stomache your body is using up all its stored calories for energy, do some housework to push yourself over the edge, it’s awesome and you get exercise out of it. people fast all the time anyway so shut up world.

i know i post pictures of fatty food lately but that’s cos i am down to my base level, once you lose the first ten it gets easier, then you hover around 15 for awhile, then get to twenty, i hover around 18-20 lbs off, hovering is normal.

you need a scale, those good-feeling hand-holding feminist mags will tell you you are beautiful the way you are, don’t obsess over numbers… FUCK THEM YOU ARE NOT BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE FAT AND YOU HATE YOURSELVES. a scale is essential in weighing yourself every morning (when you are your lightest) and every night when you are trashed and feeling bold, and for after every bowel movement. how can you measure progress without a scale? ludicrous.

when i say walk i don’t mean oh i walked once last week to the supermarket, i mean walk at LEAST 5 times a week for at LEAST 45 minutes. think in terms of walking THERE and back again, it will boost your good-feeling about yourself, progress yeah that’s what it’s called. simply sitting around complaining about being fat will not make you lose weight.

oh and yoga will not make you lose weight it will only make it possible for you to touch your face to your fat ass and be able to pose like a pagoda, not helpful, if you are already trim then fine, go nuts, lesbian.

while you are “dieting” you should do sit-ups to tone your middle so when the fat comes off there is a nice stomache there not a bunch of weird alien shit like courtney love in those bikini pictures what the fuck was that all about?

i do sit-ups in bed in sets of twelve i bring my knees up and sort of do some half-assed crunches and then i have my feet on the bed knees bent and arms crossed over my chest and do some like that, the tv is on too so it is less boring and if you are watching 70s show jackie’s body helps get you motivated.

you will need to buy new clothes and learn how to dress thin again right now i am kinda fucked cos nothing fits me right and the past winter and fall was spent covering up my body in tricky ways, when you start this process, start to wear tighter clothing as barfular as you may think you look, wearing less makes you look smaller, wearing a tent, guess what, MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A TENT. so all those smaller shirts and sweaters you have hung on to (everyone does) bust them out.

and finally, what got me on the road to doing something about my weight was an off-hand remark fil made, he said there was skinny and then there was stripper skinny, i was the former, basically, my body is too garbage for pole-dancing. as painful as it sounds, you need to get someone to say something mean and traumatic to push you in the right direction, all your friends probably humour the shit out of you and say you are SO NOT fat. they are fucking liars and want you to be fat forever, no they don’t, they just don’t want to hurt you, but you know what i am getting at. the more of a close loved-one to deliver the message, the better, no not your mom that will just make you eat a tub of ice cream and write some angry poetry (ew), your dad is a good one, boyfriend is tops though.

if you are in a long-term relationship it is even harder to get thin stay thin whatever cos your other half is all like whatever, comfort zone and all that. you need them to finally slip up. fil made that comment the nite we got back from nyc, mid-january? so that’s when my frame of mind “turned” – before then i was always like yeah yeah yeah i’ll get around to it this summer i will be trim bla bla.

ok good luck.

ps. and yes fil was in the doghouse for that comment for a week.

pps. if you MUST eat something, pickles are fine, no carbs, zero fat, and a couple swigs of milk to stave off hunger pangs, no biggie.