guess the song i am dancing to

i just ordered this shirt i have been waiting for my cafecash to clear for fucking ever. i plan to wear it on the hour you hear that george? i got it from this cafe merchant they have oodles of good shit over there.

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an example of saturday afternoon conversation with my boyfriend

raymi: oh man i hope i don’t shit my pants

fil: well if you have to go, go now, cos i am getting in the shower

raymi: ok no i won’t shit my pants but i mite

this chick is psycho, has been leaving cuckoo comments here for a long time now. she said i look fat from far away meanwhile take a gander at her. i have not done anything to warrant this shit from her, she probably comments on all of your blogs too. the awesome continues:

I don’t usually stoop to retarded behavior, but I’m going to now…
I’m prettier then you, and your a BIG blah face!

melissa

seriously what is wrong with you? do you not have friends? and by the way look in the mirror you are ugs dude you are fatter than me and i can see what is going on behind your head, your eyes are so wide apart way to delete my comment too fugly little coward how does it feel

Your the Mutant not me…
Your eyes look like there right next to your ears, and unlike some people I actually step out my front door, and only looser men like looking at your Fat ass.

learn how to spell you ugly little girl

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what is wrong with american girls?

*cuckoo update:

HAHAHA…

I’m beginning to enjoy this. LOSER

of course you would because you are pathetic and obsessed with me
how long have you been stalking me?

pitt came into town last nite many stupid things happened, one thing we were at embassy and outside and this group of people go by and they’re shoving each other in the slush and i jokingly say snowball fight and they laugh and then chuck a huge boulder of snow at us so fil and pitt go to throw snow at them they both miss then i try and do it with a cigarette and a bottle of corona in my hand i trip over nothing then fall backwards into the wall/corner of the patio into my spine and then fall hard on my ass, my left cheek, and it is killing right now i need one of those hemorrhoid donuts i am a reject. fil asked why i fell he thought i slipped on ice. i didn’t. i think someone put alcohol in all three thousand of my drinks last nite.

i was talking to the embassy guy about having my art hung there and he said email me i’m like cool then a half hour later i am fighting with him on behalf of genius pitt who decides to buy everyone at the bar a drink and got fucked over as in overpaid but not everyone got a drink. i wonder if that guy will remember me BEFORE i turned into slurLOR. oh and i was talking really loud about djs in front of the djs kind of dissing them to make pitt feel better cos they wouldn’t play his song, turns out he didn’t even request a song so i’m like sorry i was talking loud about you and the girl is like i didn’t even hear you and i go oh well my friend is a fucking retard or something basically blaming everything i don’t know what on pitt and then he requested a bunch of irish music buys them drinks that they get free anyway then dances sings and screams until the bar is closed and everyone is annoyed at us and he tried to dance around the girl bartender and she was not cool with it i said sorry when we left in a I AM NOT SORRY kind of way and she goes YEAH! and made a bitchy face. she at least ponied up an extra beer when the owner was too tired of my talking and went outside to smoke.

i got a free bushmill’s at the loose moose cos i said i wanted to fucking kill myself cos overtime went into shootout must file that away for later.

the spin jockey at the LM asked what my name was i said raymi he goes oh uh how do you spell that it’s interesting i say r-a-y-m-i he goes oh what is that? i say uh indian, you know, native. he goes as opposed to east like he is a fucking comedian. raymi is actually south american but i didn’t want to start speaking spanish incan or aztec whatever so much for dazzling the common folk with my going out on the town name.

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY:

last nite i tried to be all stealth whilst walking along the brick/cobblestone tier around the perimeter of the varsity theatre, i am wondering if i can sue them for having doors that open internally only, doors that go nowhere from the outside, doors that make you think oh ok this is the entrance. anyway at the point where i got to the archway overtop some concrete stairs going below to wherever the fuck fil encouraged me to go on and i said no i’m scared, he on sidewalk-foot continues on so i decide to end my scaling of the mountaineous varsity and make my way down to street level – ALACK! my foot slips on snow on the three foot last descent to the ground and my legs tangle up inside each other and i do a three sixty and come THIS CLOSE to falling down twenty conrete stairs on my face – i caught myself at the last second and my left shin is jammed between a railing and drags across the bricks and i yelp out, “YELP.” and fil is already many moons away and turns in slow motion to see his pathetic partner in the lamest pile of herself ever.

he had to half-support me into the varsity and not laugh. i wanted to laugh but i was in too much pain.

now i have the biggest fucking goose-egg puffy bruise on my shin.

oh and then we watched the pink panther and i laughed louder and harder than everyone else and fil was embarrassed.

brendan called jakalope last nite so i could apologize for the post i had written about her music video sucking and i think i also said that she talk-singed her stupid goth poetry, pretty funny i think and brendan agreed. she sounds like a 4 year old on the fone. i told her i was all about making fun of shit and she said well maybe you shouldn’t i dunno i said no no for entertainment purposes i wanted her to know that i wasn’t dissing her as an artist i was dissing the shitty music video which as it turns out brendan filmed or worked on i dunno. anyway i said to her i would make a public retraction on my blog about my post. i still think that video is gay but it’s not marketed to me so i understand, she’s cute she sings at things in jars and on the stairs, i’m sorry katie/jakalope.

stupid brendan showing my post to the actual artist i am making fun of NICE GOING BLOWHARD! i can’t remember if i asked her if she reads my blog, ha ha.

now i feel like a mean tabloid. wait what? good!

yeah she pretty much hates all things raymi, she wants to start an i hate raymi site. do it!

i’m sorry but people who think poetry slams are cool are fucking lame nerd losers. everytime i have been at victory cafe there is always nerdy shit going on upstairs, last nite it was poetry. this black lady was screaming that she has tiny hips and big lips and she is black power when i went to the bathroom. people were actually nodding their heads to this shit like they understand what it means to be a black woman in toronto, it was all very the real world 90’s style. last time it was a bunch of university kids playing tubas and violins and cellos – GAY!

i can’t decide which is worse, poetry readings, book readings or spoken word.

i was gonna go up there and read the menu in this pretentious long drawn out voice.

“STEAK…PEPPERCORN, SAUCE? GREEN BEANS, TABASCO, BUTTERED……MASHED POTATOES?”

TWELVE THINGS CID

the shitty life of a blogger

it’s my birthday soon, i will be 24 on march 31 i can’t believe how much of a fucking fossil i am shut up everyone else who is older don’t take away from my going through oldness motions.

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

and now i give you Imyar McJew:

pan’s labyrinth was sold out so we saw the number 23 instead. so it’s playing in one of those bigger theatres and it’s pretty empty and we are sitting closer to the front far away from everyone there are a million empty seats all around us and then this couple comes and SITS RIGHT BEHIND US AND THE GIRL IMMEDIATELY STARTS KICKING MY SEAT THE FUCKING HOUSELIGHTS ARE STILL ON AND ALREADY I WANT TO KILL HER. also the dude is talking super loud and smarmy, the only kind of smarmy you can tolerate if you are a part of the actual conversation but if you are forced to listen to it and not participate then you want to take the hair that grows near their ears and pull up (most painful) until it comes out in your hands.

so i go to fil lets move do you want to move do you really want to hear me sigh profusely throughout this entire movie? so he gets up gets his shit and leaves and i am collecting my hat mitts scarf purse jacket magazine and the magazine falls loudly to the floor and the couple are kind of like oh what’s going on? then the dude says I GUESS THE VOLUME AND CONTENT OF OUR CONVERSATION WAS OFFENSIVE to which i don’t say anything then i am grabbing my jacket and the guy repeats his little observation I GUESS THE VOLUME AND CONTENT OF OUR CONVERSATION WAS OFFENSIVE and then i looked him in the face and said NO YOU WERE KICKING OUR SEATS!! and they both got scared and felt ashamed and my whole i am angry aura was outshined by the belt on my jacket snagging on the armrest between the seats so i had to walk back over to them and their scared silence.

i also wanted to say of all the fucking places to sit and have your loud boring “controversial” conversation you had to sit right behind me WHY? why does the world hate me so much? ps. your conversation was lame if you want to have a controversy contest dude pick a place and time that ISN’T in a fucking movie theatre.

everytime we go to a movie while i am waiting for it to begin i take note of all the people who are getting on my nerves and think ok just enjoy sitting here cos it is the last time you will ever go to a movie theatre cos you are an angry fucking lunatic and then we always go back and then i think all over again this is the LAST TIME.

ok so the movie was good for ten minutes then sucked huge for 50 minutes the whole reading of the book part jim carey being like THIS BOOK THIS BOOK 23 23 23 BLA BLA BLAAAA it was like some cheesy sin city crap so then he’s finished it finally and then it gets good like msytery whodunnit? the good part lasts ten minutes maybe fifteen then it sucks huge until the end not lying. i asked fil a few times if we could leave. basically everything equals 23 – that lampost’s light flickers 20 times and then it hummed three times OOH THAT FUCKING MEANS SOMETHING RUN AWAY!

basically this movie is about me when i was manic crazy just before i went on lithium – writing on walls searching for patterns and connections and coincidences YOUR NAME IS TOM AND YOUR SHIRT IS YELLOW AND YOUR TIE IS BROWN and i turn that into something that is essentially NOTHING. fuck, crazy people are annoying and so is this movie.

you will hate jim carey’s wife, basically, the way the family reacts to his crazy is completely ridiculous, unethical, and the total opposite of REALITY. when the truth comes out about his past and how crazy he is she is all oh i love you and you love me you won’t hurt me even when he has a knife to her throat.

on our way home we pretended we were jim carey and looked for 23s then we saw a cop car and their new decal design and i said do they sell ice creams and popsicles too holy shitty tacky not at all scary and authoritative!

OMG RAP CAT OMG OMG OMG!

peep the sauce on my chin i went out like that the next day all day long

i just paid a huge cellphone bill i hate how they sneak up on you a month after your vacation cos the cycle starts halfway through the month i was all awesome my bill was only $77 wicked then i look at it today and saw my current balance was $162. i just wanted to share that depressing news with you guys. now i am going to buy eggs peppers onion cheese sausage (maybe shrimp) and have it ready for when fil gets back so we can eat and go see pan’s labyrinth i am homeslave.

i am also sad cos an old friend just cold-called me and tried to convince me to go to this thing on saturday, all of it pyramid-schemey, sigh, i thought he would be doing something way better with his life by now. he laid all those culty catch-phrases on me YOU WILL THANK ME SOMEDAY AND I WILL THANK YOU and THERE’S THIS NEW COMPANY I AM CHECKING OUT and YOU ARE GOOD WITH PEOPLE AND COS OF YOUR INTERNET BUSINESS YOU ARE PERFECT FOR THIS. he wouldn’t explain what it was on the fone he said it was too long and complicated to tell me on the fone um right cos i am a fucking retard and i can’t understand things on the telephone.

i came right out and asked if it was amway and he said no then i looked at the website which boasts INDEPENDENT REPRESENTATIVES and NETWORKING basically all a bunch of bullshit to distract simple-minded folk from the fact it is a fucking scam hey thanks for calling haven’t heard from you in years thanks for the business opportunity of a lifetime!

fil said i should call him back and tell him to fuck off i won’t cos i feel bad for him. i should have told him the catch-phrase this chick said to me in grade ten when she roped me into going to one of these things, she had cue-cards in her lap and preached to me the entire way to this amway function PEOPLE WHO HAVE THE TIME DON’T HAVE THE MONEY AND PEOPLE WHO HAVE MONEY, DON’T HAVE THE TIME and her dad punched his hand lightly to emphasise victory when i got home later that nite i said DAD YOU WERE RIGHT IT WAS FUCKING AMWAY!

the more i think about this the angrier i am holy fuck! when you say uh this is a pyramid scheme and they are like no well yes ok but it is different than the others. oh? how is one pyramid different from another pyramid, exactly? i guess these people need to try this out for a bit and get it out of their chromosome-extra systems. sigh.

i would post the link to this “business” but i am afraid they will come abduct me in the middle of the nite and throw me in a river.