last nite at the bedford beside fil these three BOYS NITE OUT bald nerd asshole dickfucks were having pints and fully ignoring the game and as usual i am mega-eaves-dropping on their shit, it starts with one dude bragging that his girl is all GO, GO OUT GO OUT AND HANG while the other dude counters with well i am not allowed out to which douche #1 restates his hanging-out privileges, he is the baldest most obnoxious dude of the three so it is no wonder his girlfriend is like GO OUT.

and THEN that boston pizza commercial comes on, both of them actually, first the one where the girl is walking through the park and all dudes around her fall down and break shit cos she is suppose to be hot and then she goes to boston pizza (i think the commercial is a continuation thing anyway) and sits down and what with all the beer and pizza and televisions blasting sports no one is paying her attention so she turns off the tvs and then total shit storm havoc ensues, a dude drops his beer it explodes a waitress is thrown into a booth of people her tray goes everywhere people trip over this mess, anyway i love that commercial LOVE IT and so these dudes stopped talking while this commercial is on and then when it was over the most obnoxious one proclaims WHAT THE HELL SHE’S NOT EVEN THAT HOT NOT HOT AT ALL ACTUALLY and then the other guy says YEAH DUDE TOTALLY NOT HOT to which i lean way over and give the majorest stink-eye on the planet and none of them catch it they are still talking about how not hot this girl is and fil is cock-blocking my dirty look.

so then of course my anger transfers to fil he says i shouldn’t get involved and i say oh yes i should these fuckheads are being all masters of the universe and they are shitting on my gender meanwhile they are ugly bald losers and fil said ok ok fine but then the moment had passed. they didn’t seem to get the fact that the girl cast in the commercial is suppose to be natural, under-stated hot NOT pornstar plastic fake tits long fingernails blond extensions hot the thing i mostly wanted to point out was HOW DARE THEY DID YOU FORGET WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!?!?

and then they proceeded to discuss computer video games and pondered what they should like more, art? what’s better to like than art? oh it must be wine yeah we should like wine! hey how about liking stuff cos it interests you not just cos you feel obligated to fit in with a certain type of people FUCK! then obnoxiouslor told this pointless story about how he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt and someone had the audacity to take him for someone who doesn’t make a lot of money then he goes AND THEN I WAS LIKE I MAKE TWICE AS MUCH AS YOU DO FUCKER! then he restated the story to the other guy who was taking money out of the atm then proclaimed we are the bank machine generation HAHAHA and that how would you even get a fake 20 ever unless you paid with a 50 um dude you would get a fake 20 cos “we are the bank machine generation” remember?

then they went across the street to the duke i said to fil i am not above following a pack of dickheads around town all nite long just to confirm that they suck even more, it was a schoolnite though so we didn’t.

i SO hope to bump into them again or that they find my blog. if you know three dicks who went to the bedford last nite tell them to read my blog thanks.

it’s so nice for all of us to discuss the menstrual cycle together i picture us all holding hands right now putting flowers in each other’s hairs. speaking of hair i have gone back to black, the ends of my hair were just too hay garbage dead and the black dye has brought them back from the dead. i would also like to share the special news with y’alls that i have lost 4LBS since monday and i owe all thanks to my period, fil’s fat comment, and starvation techniques. please feel free to imagine me sitting in the back of a convertible slowly cruising through your towns, waving. in case you haven’t figured it out yet the theme of this post is IMAGINATION.

i know i write about crying over stupid things a lot like a snowflake pencil case puppy yawning and it’s true my emotions are set to menstrual-mode i am a super human composite of all the womens from now and then + friend green tomatoes and hope floats.

speaking of hope floats that scene where sandra bullock’s ex husband shows up to give her divorce papers and the little daughter is all DAD I AM COMING WITH YOU and shes’s crying and screaming and as he’s gearing up to reverse he accidentally hits the horn and it scares the daughter and she shrieks EVEN LOUDER hysterically and then he drives off and she cries and screams and moans for two minutes to the entire neighborhood OMFG fil left the hotel to get coffee right when that scene went down and i was sitting on the edge of the bed in a towel with my hands over my eyes and mouth having a crying breakdown i am pretty much the last person you want to pass off a certificate or award at any sort of important function cos everyone will be like who is this stranger crying at my ceremony and why what the hell, as i am slowly backing away into the curtain folds shit.

here is the daughter now who played the crying girl in hope floats, bonus points to anyone who can track down that scene on youtube.

ps. click that ad i have up there please help a mexican out thank you.

this is a very special period i am having, fil made me paranoid that i was pregnant everyday since christmas i have been thinking oh great i am probably carrying a four month fetal alcoholic what looks like the thing that busts out of that dude in total recall. remember christmas nite i was up til 6 or 7am with the chills in pain thinking i have food poisoning and fil is like maybe you are pregnant, super wrong thing to say to me genius, i knew it was nausea from eating the entire skin-casing of a turkey and a million drinks from xmas eve carry-over, but no, fil just had to project his paranoia onto me at 4 in the morning when i am steeped over in pain. so in nyc i thought i was pregnant the whole time, turns out i am just fat. ha. phew.

i haven’t had cramps this bad before in awhile though so maybe it is a mini-miscarriage or something. girls get them all the time we just never tell our boyfriends hey guess what look at the clot that came out of me WE MADE THAT!

ahha whoops sorry.

that’s the period joke i should have said at fil’s birthday dinner when he said he liked bloody meat i will save it up for next year. i don’t think it is fair that guys can talk about their bowel movements and brag them off and even trick you into looking at them but girls aren’t allowed to show our menstrual masterpieces, i think guys should be forced to peep at least one per 1/4 year, i mean, they don’t have to deal with painful ovaries and suicidal crazylor rage out of control emotions.

sorry for being all feminist. yesterday i watched on youtube that acceptance speech the ugly betty girl gave and it turned me into an ugly blob of crying, if you are riding the red wave do not watch it.

Ryan: did you blog anything funny
what’s a blood empire

me: my period
haha

Ryan: i like gash station better
clamshell snapper

me: me too i will change to that title
i invented gash station

Ryan: well where else would you have heard it

me: i made it up
i heard it from me

Ryan: i believe you
i invented “idiotstick” or at least i think i did

me: ok
good

Ryan: and also a type of ice fort whose floor stays unslippery and the roof doesn’t melt on it because of my invention
also i invented an annual party called plasterfest
what else did you invent this is a contest

me: lonerisms
to which urban dictionary turned down
i am about to invent a bowel movement

we watched texas chainsaw massacre the beginning last nite and it is stupid because fil did NOT rent employee of the month, it is, in fact, the complete opposite of employee of the month, if you’ve seen EOM don’t tell me anything about it i want to see it tonite.

anyway, everyone who dies deserves it because they didn’t have the smarts to know uh DANGER fake sheriff, condemned town, one of the dudes was in ‘nam even you’d think he’d be able to do something other than get nailed to a table have his arms cut open from elbow to wrist and then take a chainsaw through his stomache, no? vietnam doesn’t prep you for that kind of thing? the one stupid girl does all the running around and hiding and instead of RUNNING AWAY TO FIND HELP she gets a biker dude to go back with her to the house cos his girl was shot and dragged there also, this is his only motivation, his girlfriend, i know this, YOU know this WHY DOESN’T THE GIRL WHO FLAGGED HIM DOWN IN THE ROAD KNOW THIS!? so big duh he gets cut up too, big help, thanks. another thing she walks through this little forest area to go get help earlier on in the movie and then she leads the biker dude through it again to get to the house and somehow it takes ten times longer the second time around and it is nitetime by the time they make it to the house? holy consistency!

and then later on at the dinner table she is chained to her seat and she accuses the family of incest or something like it’s her big shining fuck you moment GOOD IDEA TELL THE HUMAN-EATERS THAT THEY ARE INDECENT TELL IT TIL THE COWS COME HOME IT’S REALLY GOING TO SAVE YOU NOW.

this movie is ten times gorier than the one with ass shelf in it. haha i just went to google jessica biel but i typed ASS SHELF instead, ok, so it’s gorier and has the exact same vibe as the other one so if that’s what you want then see it.

they show how that dude got his legs cut off, you know the wheelchair perv, him. fil said he would have bled to death on the spot, you can’t just wrap his knees in paper and bob’s your uncle, you know? fil is smart i had NO IDEA you couldn’t just dress a wound in paper and it stops bleeding thank you fil!

Raymi I saw you in nyc!!

I can’t believe it! I have been reading your blog on and off for like two years – and then last… Saturday i think it was, I was walking down Ludlow street where I live and I saw you and Fil – and i knew it must be you bc of your lip piercing and I recognized Fil too – and then I thought, no but she lives in Canada, but I knew it had to be you and I almost ran after you guys like a retarded nutcase flailing and yelling Raymi, Raymi!! but if it wasn’t you then I would have been a double retarded nutcase squared – so anyway I just checked your blog and of course you were in new york – so I wish I had risked looking stupid. Anyway thanks for being funny and real and candid these past years – your blog is always good and cheers me up.

Take care,
Liz

batch 4

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY

that cat pretty much would be my best “during the day” friend if he wasn’t such an ungrateful jerk who attacked me constantly and scream-meows at me all day long.

feh.

these are fil’s text messages to me today:

Hi Polesmoker. You are pretty.

me: im taking a bath now.

fil: you are a delicate water lily in the pool of my heart

me: awww

fil: where are my emails gentle cherry blossom?

me: FUCK OFF

year agoish