First sentence from the first post of each month in 2006.
JANUARY
FEBRUARY
i made steaks last nite for dickhead 1 and dickhead 2 and did they appreciate it enough?
MARCH
APRIL
last nite was….RETARDED. evidence here.
MAY
being sick sucks.
JUNE
JULY
ungh i fully have to crap right now.
AUGUST
SEPTEMBER
OCTOBER
oh and to answer your question ryan, a refrigeratorhead is the name of my next cat or first born child. also picture post from same day.
NOVEMBER
DECEMBER
idea tiefed from binsk
fil wrote an email defending my honour to cp’s comments made here:
hi cp this is phil, raymi’s boyfriend.
i just read your comment and wanted to make a few points:
- i think the comments in hdw’s blog initially attacked raymi without her having said anything about hdw. i read them earlier and thought that they were cheap, immature and uncalled for, but to each their own. i certainly didn’t see any comments by hdw asking people to cut it out.
- the suggestion that the way raymi’s friends behave on other peoples’ blogs is a reflection on her is just plain wrong for two reasons: 1. of the thousands of hits raymi gets a day, probably a dozen are friends and i can assure you that none of those people are interested in wasting their time arguing with others about who has a better blog; and 2. a blogger, or a writer, or an artist cannot be held accountable for the actions of their readers or listeners or fans [unless they specifically endorse and encourage the actions for which we would hold them accountable] – if that was the case then j.d salinger should be in jail for not telling mark chapman not to shoot anyone. raymi doesn’t tell people what to do and it sure as hell isn’t her job to enforce or even encourage some kind of morality amongst her readers that you deem appropriate.
i am older than your husband and regardless of my being with her, raymi’s writing constantly impresses and entertains me. people who judge writing based on adherence to grammar and ‘appropriate’ topics are disappointingly narrow-sighted.
best,
this lady would not fucking move she saw me with my camera and just turned away chatting on her fone so fine i will take a photo of your olympic pool-lengthed ass happy shopping!
me: look.
Sabrina: you look cute there
me: we look like french canadians
fil is frowning
Sabrina: hahahaha
Sabrina: i dont even know what french canadians look like but it sounds FUNNY to me
me: oh it is
they talk like this doo boo doo broo doo
hahahaa
Sabrina: hahahyaha
me: my mom is french canadian so this is extra funny
me: hahaha the one guy who is the most pompous in that chicks comments is a BASSIST read: UNEMPLOYED
merkley???: sweet
me: he used something i wrote in jest in the comments to back up his argument
a caption i put under a foto of me wasted
um dude sorry but that’s probably the most interesting thing you will ever read in your entire life
merkley???: ha ha
blog fights are fun
the nerve people want me to title my blog and i dont wanna
i just want it to be merkley???
me: merkley says
merkley???: Up Your Butt and Around The Corner
me: AHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAA
merkley???: A Great Blog For Kids!
me: fully
me: you know how people lose their minds if you swear in front of their kids
merkley???: yup
me: like that little douche is never going to hear the f word
ever
how about he hears it from me now instead of some trashy kid in the schoolyard whose parents molest him
at least from me the cuss words are inventive
anyway that concludes raymi’s annual parental advice
**Update the comments have been taken down haha wow can’t even handle a few hours of raymi this is why you are losing.
**double update comments are back but you can’t leave new ones.
i finagled a copy of talladega nights last nite i didn’t see all of it nor did fil so DO NOT TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS or else i will start blogging like a metrosexual handbag fetishist I MEAN IT!
what i did see i could barely understand anyway, i think i need my ears checked will you still read my blog if i have hearing aids? ha, aids.
we went to look at sassafraz last nite and took some more pictures. these two fossil-type italian blokes came out of this bar/resto with sherlock holmes pipes and said OH let’s go for a drink hmm it appears to be CLOSED, pointing at sassafraz. hahaha. i love rich old guys who insist that it is still 1920 so we followed them for a bit.
last nite was sober nite so i bought three non-alcoholic drinks:
coke
blueberry/watermelon fruitopia
sprite slushy
after drinking the coke i said mmmm i feel like having a gingerale but then i bought that fruitopia instead and fil said i thought you were getting a gingerale and i said oh i’ll get that on my way back hahaa this is a good story follow along anyway i laughed because i pictured myself as doc oc with a bunch of arms in a trench coat running down the sidewalk shoving people out of my way and drinking something from every hand.
so i got a huge sprite slurpee from 7-11 and i’m fifth in-line cos some genius is doing his lotto 649 whateverthefuck DUDE it is shaming enough that you have a gambling addiction why not wait for everyone to buy their little chocolate bars and packs of dentyne before going through your lottery stacks of wasted money? idiot.
essentially a nite walk for us is a DISSING STROLL where-in i saunter about dissing everyone who requires it, not to their faces of course i’m not a courageous lunatic.
here is a dissing example: this guy was walking toward us wearing black bondage-type raver pants and his hair was shaved save for some messy parts he had scattered-about AND hairsprayed wisps over his forhead and he was looking down and smoking and walking with a I AM BETTER THAN THE WORLD vibe and he was sort of smirking in this pious kind of way that pissed me right the fuck off so after we pass him i declare:
SORRY BUT YOU ARE NOT A CHARACTER IN A COMIC BOOK NOR ARE YOU ACTING IN A MOVIE AND YOU ARE RIVER PHOENIX AND YOUR CHARACTER FACES HARDSHIPS YET OVERCOMES THEM AND THEN LEARNS FROM HIS EXPERIENCES.
more dissing examples later for now it is espresso time.
ooh guess what there’s a blogwar going on about me right now that i had no idea about apparently i am a skank and i have acorn tits. fwahaha.
here is an email informing me of the matter:
HOLY FUCK! This blog competition is stressful and I’m not even partaking in it, aside from voting for you. I have accidently started a blog war in one of your competitors comment section all because I said you weren’t a skank and that you were deserving of your votes. I suppose I didn’t really start it since they are the ones who turned around and questioned my intelligence thus angering me.
Some lady, I’ll attach her picture, said you post pictures of your acorn looking nipples. I always wondered what acorn nipples would look like so thank you Raymi for apparently having them and posting pictures of them. Truth be told, I really didn’t think there was such a thing as acorn nipples. But the crazy thing is that this girl has a muffin top stomach and thunder thighs, again things that I didn’t really think existed! So I must thank her for showing me those, okay maybe not because it wasn’t too appealing.
Apparently because you are different from the blog they love you should not be allowed in the diarist competition…one of the commenters has a little banner thing saying she’s open-minded. This open-mindedness stops though when it comes to bloggers who don’t hold onto grammar like it is the only thing that can really distinguish their blog and persona.
Gays can marry but that blogger Raymi cannot be part of any competition because she doesn’t use proper grammar on the internet.
Although I must say that I did cause someone to put up a post about how to debate ( http://www.thewebpen.net/blog/2006/12/how-to-debate.html), because I apparently can’t which I wasn’t really doing anyhow (isn’t defending someone and debating something two different things?). And someone posted the following which is awesome because it finally calls them on their douchebaggery.
“I went and read the comments over at HDW’s and it was all too familiar. It was HDW’s regulars who started the name calling with “skank” and other general ribbing that was less than fun. If somebody were doing that to me, I’d be proud of my friends for sticking up for me, whether I asked them to or not, and whether I was winning or not. It’s like a gang over at HDW’s and this is one of several reasons I stopped reading Apple Martini. This little episode pretty much solidified my feelings (and would solidify my vote if I ever bothered). It seems to me as if you just jumped on the bandwagon without having given Raymi’s blog a chance.
Raymi writes a really good blog. She also shows her tits. Big fucking deal. Seriously Howard, spend a month reading her blog get to know her style and who she is a little bit. I’m not a big fan of hers but I read several blogs that rave about her. And if your trying to say she’s winning cause she shows her boobs, that’s a bunch of bullshit. There is no shortage of boobs on the internet everybody has easy access to however many pictures of boobs they want. And many of them are better than Raymi’s (I’m willing to bet HDW’s are). 700+ people don’t visit Raymi’s site just cause they want to see boobs. Come on!
And as far as you grammar snobs go: You sound like a bunch of people that have such low esteem that your trying to ride high with gramatical shibboleths”
Anyhow, excuse the longness of the email I hope you don’t mind that my intention was to defend you (even though I’m sure you don’t need it…) and not to cause drama and attach it to your name/blog.
HERE’S THE COMMENT THREAD. green apple martini‘s handle is HOTDRWIFE. sorry, anyone who has to define themselves via marriage is sad. “MY LIFE ON WISTERIA LANE.”
enough said.
raymi-
i wanted to let you know, i really like what you’re doing with your blog. Because its so unBlog. I’m pretty sick of the kind of spirit of seriousness that encases a lot of the blog writing on the web. The bloggers that envision themselves as sophisticated internet pundits, disseminating unique enlightenment to the general scene. i don’t think that blogging should be about dictation, and the exposition of objective value. What you’ve achieved with your space, i think, is a feeling of conversation instead. Rather than saying “here is value x; now observe my wit in unearthing it and elucidating it to you”, you’re creating your own values through creative exercise. Very post-structuralist of you. i think a lot of this has to do with the way in which you write. Many of the traditional blogs are still very modernist in conception – the writer’s identity is skewed, and the feel of the writing is very much like that of a topical magazine; with a kind of absurdly sacred respect for both the rules and the elegance of language. Your writing has a much more depressurized feel to it, and i think this creates a more authentic encounter. So, way to go with the whole thing.
o.k,
riley
DEAR: PARADISE FRESH COLGATE FLAVOURED TOOTHPASTE
YOU TASTE LIKE SOAP DETERGENT
THE COLOUR PURPLE
THAT PURPLE GUM THAT ALSO TASTES LIKE SOAP DETERGENT AND THE COLOUR PURPLE
I BOUGHT YOU BECAUSE I HAD TO KNOW WHAT PARADISE FRESH TASTED LIKE EXACTY AND I FELT THAT IF I DEMANDED THE KID AT SOBEY’S TO TELL ME HE PROBABLY WOULDN’T HAVE KNOWN AND THEN I WOULD HAVE TO COMPLAIN TO HIS MANAGER AND THEN HE WOULD GET FIRED AND THEN I WOULD FEEL MEAN
IF YOU GIVE ME 1000 DOLLARS I WILL EAT AN ENTIRE TUBE OF YOU
PS DON’T EVER ASK ANYONE IN ANY STORE EVER IF THEY SELL BRANDY CANDIES (WASN’T BUYING THEM FOR MYSELF) KIDS YOUNGER THAN YOU COP AN ATTITUDE AND THEN YOU FEEL LIKE A HUGE ALCOHOLIC, ESL OLD GUYS PRETEND NOT TO SPEAK ENGLISH ALSO MAKING YOU FEEL LIKE A HUGE ALCOHOLIC.
YOUR PAL, RAYMI
double ps here i am as an emoticon
i am crying screaming WHAT and my hair is swooped.
