please vote for me or i will fucking kill myself YES I AM MENTALLY UNSTABLE LIKE THAT.

merkley???: my dogs have to lay right next to me and they give me a hot spot so i have to make them move but they refuse to learn that i am trying to make them move no matter how many times i do it
like each time i try to make them move they act completely baffeled as to why i would want them to
and then they look at me like i am a dick
the end

me: nice
animals are very selfish
its always MEMEMEMemememe
they may as well have blogs

merkley???: i hate blog jokes i mean NICE BLOG JOKE RAYMI!!!

me: well i couldntthink of anything else at the moment
fine they may as well have a hall of mirrors?!
fuck you
i hope you OD on potatoes

merkley???: i wish i could remember all my jokes from last night
i was being hilarious

me: yeah im sure they were golden

merkley???: but i cant remember any of them

me: blog jokes are funny on marriedtothesea.com and toothpastefordinner.com
you are just jealous
you have I HAVE A PENIS complex you wish you were a girl

merkley???: touche
oops
i meant DOUCHE

me: you’re a fucking lesbian
thats why you hate the world
cos you have a dick

merkley???: as in douchebage

me: what are you going to do today

merkley???: work on some photos and then go to a christmas party tonight

me: are you going to dress festive

merkley???: no

me: fine

merkley???: i already look like kris kringle

me: you could put little ornaments in yer hair, super miniature and then wasted girls will come up to you and play with them
you’re welcome for the idea
little cherubs and tinsel and shit

merkley???: why not just hang them on my balls and walk around with a boner?
thats way cooler

me: WHY NOT WALK AROUND THINKING YOU ARE THE COOLEST THING TO EVER HIT THE PLANET AND ABOVE EVERYTHING YOUR INTERNET FRIEND TELLS YOU TO DO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

RETRO RAYMI HOUR: maggie gyllenhalalalalalll as BONER OF THE WEEK.

also zooey too AND spencer sloan shouted me out at JANE MAGAZINE i dunno how long ago that was whatever the explosion still stands!!!!

oh here is thora birch as boner too.


Good Morning Raymi!!

I just wanted to say THANK YOU SO VERY VERY MUCH, for doing the painting! I’ve been a fan since the beginning and honestly, best birthday ever. Last night, Lindsay called me over saying “just get here now!” so I thought something was wrong, I rushed over, and she goes “are you ready for your present?” I now currently have a perma-smile, so thank you times a kazillion.

Hope all is well and merry christmas!!!

em.

ps. its quite sad how giddy I am. hehe.

ok voting isn’t fucked anymore so’s you know. you can only vote once every 24 hours.

RAYMI,

this is why i am voting for you.

You are beautiful most of the time and cruel and sometimes hurt my feelings without even saying anything directly to me. This is why I am voting for you. You are the one that rocks the boat and everyone gets pissed off because you spilt their drink but secretly they are in love with you.

-Krista

beautiful most of the time? huh? anyway.

incidentally, i can’t get the voting page thing to load for me right now i think the internet is racist against me anyway if you can, please go vote for me for BEST DIARIST right now and you’re done for the day, thanks.

me: dear phil: IF YOU DO NOT LEAVE WORK SOON I WILL BE FORCED TO REARRANGE YOUR SOCKS WITH THE DAYS OF THE WEEKS WRITTEN ON THEM SO THAT MONDAY IS PAIRED WITH THURSDAY, WEDNESDAY WITH FRIDAY, SATURDAY WITH SUNDAY, AND SO ON.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED,

sincerely, John Stamos

Phil: AIIIIEEEEEEE
truly, michelle tanner

me: I DO NOT FUCK AROUND

meet emily

it’s her birthday this sunday and her friend lindsay wanted me to do her portrait, happy birthday emily i hope you like it.

if anyone else wants one for their friend or dog or spanish maid, lemme know.

me: i found a video of your mom

merkley???: dude thats old

me: DUDE I KNOW
holy crap

merkley???: but still totally unbelieveable

me: yes
i saw it 7 years ago

merkley???: i saw it in the sixties

me: it didnt exist then

merkley???: you didnt

me: AH

merkley???: BURN

me: you didnt either

merkley???: born in 67
summer of love

me: OLDNESS CALLED
THEY SAID CLOSE THE WINDOW

merkley???: diapers called, they said you smell like poop

me: dude newsflash, people who say poop are tragically unhip
that word makes me cringe
it’s a dealbreaker

merkley???: nice knowin ya
people who get hung up on one word are HO
MO

me: you coulda said pooh even
but NOOOOOOOOOO

merkley???: i bet you do paris hilton tilt when you look in the mirror

me: !!!!!
fighting words

me: at least i dont make my personality revolve around a question mark
Ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiing