yesterday i naired my bikini area and fil walked into the bedroom with me lying down with all this white cream spread everywhere and i said looks like i have a massive yeast infection eh? i got some between my legs and yesterday everytime i pee’d it felt like muriatic acid hitting my labia BURN CITY. also it smells like farts. yesterday RULED!
Dear Amanda Peet
you are my BONER OF THE WEEK
you win because you scared the shit out of me in saving silverman and you wore that shirt that showed your entire coat rack figure that you could like look inside of when you leaned over because it was basically two baby bibs taped to your nipples and you were a psycho controlling cuckoo bitch i <3 you.
you also could have a mushroom cut and it would still work in fact, your hair isn’t very original or interesting to look at but it doesn’t even matter cos your personality and caterpillar eyebrows totally take over and i am like WOW.
in igby goes down you humped macaulay culkin’s brother and you didn’t even give a care and i was like ME TOO AMANDA!
you were also very good at mindfucking jack black and steve zahn in saving silverman i was like ooooh she’s good.
it would be cool if we were friends cos you would make everyone feel inferior and they’d say snarky things like OH YOU ARE HANGING OUT WITH THAT AMANDA PEET WOMAN TODAY RIGHT? all jealous-like and i would be like YES AND SHE SAID THE MEANEST SHIT ABOUT YOU THE OTHER DAY!
i would feel inferior all the time too and like a huge slob cos your nails would be all did and mine are all ripped and hang-naily and no one would look at me anymore but that would be ok because you would be my friend and i could borrow your stuff sometimes and tell you jokes about napkins until you got bored of me bye.
toronto speeding, boogie monster, some good good head
you’d think the little pissants in the park would have something better to do like play videogames or eat at mcdonald’s and play in their playplace area you know modern day type stuff.
you know i’m kidding right?
i am going to cook something elaborate tonite because of hell’s kitchen and also it is great timing because fil is sick and has zero appetite. i just asked him if his feet have a stomache ache too cos he’s wearing his black work socks in bed. i’m funny.
oh yeah i forgot one kid keeps saying ICE CREAM ICE CREAM WHAT’S YOU FAVORITE ICE CREAM and then this other twit goes LEMONADE! and then the kid goes ICE CREAM ICE CREAM ICE CREAM WHAT’S YOUR FAVE….etc etc over and over and i want to go out there with a shovel and fling sand in their eyes and tell them that there is no such thing as lemonade ice cream, even though there prolly is i want to take their fun away because i am a scary hobbit.
i imagine when i talk i sound like the chef from hell’s kitchen, not the accent, but the mean swear words and it makes me cringe.
we saw the growing pains episode yesterday where mike goes to that coke party with boner and the other guido and he’s like EXCUSE ME BUT I THINK THERE IS COCAINE AT THIS PARTY and the girl goes I SHOULD HOPE SO! then he does a psa at the end while the party is frozen behind him except fake frozen where you can see different people moving slightly and blinking and wavering and kirk cameron is all HI I AM KIRK CAMERON BLA BLA YOU THINK I’M NOT COOL COS I DON’T DO DRUGS? WELL, YOU’RE WRONG!
i immediately felt like getting high.
fil is in bed with a stomache ache i am gonna try and get him to go see pirates of the caribbean with me and his “stomache ache” later.
how about that wind last nite ontario!?
oh yeah go to mcdonald’s and get your johnny depp/jack sparrow plush happy meal toy before it’s too late.
me and elizabeth are going to eat discount sushi i am excited once the thought got into my head i realised i am fucking starving though i counted about ten typos on their take-out menu so who knows what the quality will be like oh well at least i can stare at people at sushi on bloor from across the street and watch them not getting a discount.
i bought rule of the bone on saturday, i read it in highschool. you should go get it. there are swear words in it and other things and when i read it in grade 12 i think i looked up at my classmates and was like DO YOU GUYS KNOW I JUST READ THE WORD FAGGOT AND I GOT THIS BOOK FROM THE SCHOOL LIBRARY?!
fil ate cat food yesterday for 6 dollars and i dumped a bucket of cold water on my dad cos he got me with the sprinkler then he got all sensitive cos i duped him better but fil yeh, 6 bucks? we also ate an ostrich steak and it was very good but at first at the ostrich farm the lady gave us slow cooked shredded samples and i was gagging on it but had to eat it all like it was amazing fucking VOMIT next time i would eat the fucking cat treats instead.
today i am wearing red because i am eccentric and fil is picking a fight with me about the floor and how scratched it is because of my fat ass and the ikea chair at this desk i don’t know how to make what i am trying to explain flow i am probably drunk still i am going to meet sharpie and angie and go shopping and then me and fil will go see you me and dupree i wish my hair looked like owen wilson’s hair when he runs out of the house when it is on fire or maybe gary busey’s hair i dunno whichever looks funniest.
