BONER OF THE WEEK GOES TO KAYLEE DEFER

ok i was a little bit worried about this one like, is she 14? 17? she was born in ’86 so we’re cool. too bad i don’t know shit about her other than she currently plays a mean (not as in unkind, but, badass) teenage daughter on the war at home and makes her actor father lose his mind in every episode and you are quietly rooting for her to do sluttier and sluttier shit like maybe she’ll get addicted to drugs cool!

i have a feeling that show will be cancelled soon so hopefully she’ll play her cards right and be america’s kiera knightly cos well, kiera is irritating as hell. what i mean is, Kaylee, topless – picket fence tooth grin – pretentious british accent + mermaid long hair + barbarian leather bikini outfit + machete + war paint + running across a field screaming in your face = move over CN tower (get it? boner?)

anyway, she’s babesville.

unfortunately we could never be friends cos i’d have to insist she come with me to the bathroom so she wouldn’t be left alone with my boyfriend, chatting ever so carelessly – then i would have to rip her hair out and go to jail. jail = bad.

the biggest thing that never happened excerpt

One of the worst things you can do to your talents is smother them, whether it be by the drink or a 9-5, what’s the point of a talent if it goes nowhere? The whole tree falling in the woods sentiment, does it make a sound if no one is around to hear it? And then some smart-ass goes of course it does, we all know that a huge tree falling will surely make noise blah, blah.

You have a talent and you don’t do anything with it or hone it, then you do not have a talent. That is that. You can talk a mean streak all you want, forty years down the road and you can no longer do the splits, that’s information better left unsaid, sister.

STUSSI interviews me and i am bitchy

i can’t talk right now i am shelling shrimp because i am a housewife and i belong in the kitchen and cid thinks he is king of the universe and everything because he smells seafood and i bought kocher pickles and i am wrapping them in westphalian ham because if food isn’t ironic or oxymoronic or SOMETHING then i am NOT EATING IT hello tuna sandwich you are boring me learn some jokes and get back to me thanks.

ps going to the supermarket empty-stomached is dumb you are all I NEED TO FIT EVERYTHING IN MY FUCKING BASKET BECAUSE I HAVE A CRAVING FOR ALL OF AISLES 1-8 INCLUDING PRODUCE THE END.

peeping tom, sucker dance

this just in, I’M AWESOME.

it’s raining infinity here and there’s no food and no espresso even to stave off my hunger, soonly i will have to venture out. the thunder is scaring cid.

i haven’t added to my book in what seems like forever, too much bitterness i think.

Phil:

im soooo hungry

me:

i have to do makeup and hair dry where do u want to eat
i want that hamburger

Phil:

mmmmm
but
wouldnt that be wrong
i mean
so right
but so wrong

me:

it would be very wrong
we could share it

Phil:

but that wouldnt be enough food

me:

but then i would go mentally insane and not let u share it right

Phil:

totally

me:

well we could just get cheeseburgers

Phil:

um no
if i was there
id have to have the ultimate

me:

well basically i am just craving the flavor of the cheese

Phil:

my mouth is actually watering

me:

ok well ill just get a cheeseburger then
we can park at lcbo and get wine

Phil:

we cant let this become a habit

me:

my mouth just filled with saliva

Phil:

hurry getting ready
nownownownownownownownownownownow

me:

this is a funny conversation to put on my blog
seeing as we are in the same room
we could be speaking out loud

Phil:

we’re too hungry to actually talk
this way we don’t argue

me:

totally

Phil:

ok pleeeeeeease go get ready i could eat the couch i am so hungry
even the cushions

more zoo pictures