best song in the universe

here’s another thing that irritates me a lot. i am nice enough to invite people over and show them the condo and then there’s this long silence and then they ask me, “so….what do you like, do…all day?”

uh what do you mean what do i do all day? what do you do all day?
FUCK YOU.

R.Ray # says:

im in the middle of complaining to merkley about people who ask me what i do all day

i provide nerd losers with entertainment on the internet and rearrange the fridge magnets.

oh and ps. just cos i am at home a lot does NOT make me a free-loader and it also doesn’t mean that i am not working, ever heard of telecommunications you fucking retards. sorry.

watch this

TWELVE THINGS CID:

1. air-humps my winter jacket and fil’s leather belts

2. punishes me for not feeding him promptly when he decides he is hungry by jumping onto my kitsch shelf and knocking everything over

3. attempts to kill me when i walk across the room by putting his body between my feet and/or putting one of his arms between my feet

4. purrs insanely loud to mamipulate you into feeding him, to wake you up to feed him

5. falls asleep like an old man, head slumps forward into your chest or blankets

6. has nothing but the utmost respect and love for fil and nothing but the utmost contempt for women

7. if were to magically morphe into a cat 4 times the size aimee (fil’s ex) would be disembowled immediately

8. attacks my face on a regular basis with the intent of blindification

9. hates the sound of dishes and cutlery being put away yet insists upon sitting right there beside you watching you carry out this task and scream-meows at the top of his lungs because the tinkling noises tickles his ears

10. shoves his nose into fil’s nose and nuzzles his ears and suckles them whilst kneading at fil’s neck and massaging it EVERY FUCKING DAY when fil gets home, completely ignoring me

11. when fil and i play-fight he assumes fil is in great danger and being attacked by me so he intervenes by jumping at my face with his teeth and swatting at the sides of my head with hismighty paws

12. if the condo was on fire fil would save cid and leave me to burn alive and cid would laugh maniacally at me over fil’s shoulders as fil heroically carried him out the door

i am going on a during the day girl date with aimoo – she is very tall. she can fold me into a pretzel and throw me into the sun. i am going to ask her how i can learn how to be taller. ps. i fucking hate skanks who tell you their height and include that this is their height wearing heels. uh hello do you wear heels in the shower and when you are sleeping, heels that are attached to your fucking feet?

at the redparty i was wasted and confused so i didn’t get a chance to chat with aimee unfortunately. we are going to eat sushi like it has never been eaten before and i will be hyper and manic and fuck around with my hair a lot.

vivalemerde

last nite i tried to be all stealth whilst walking along the brick/cobblestone tier around the perimeter of the varsity theatre, i am wondering if i can sue them for having doors that open internally only, doors that go nowhere from the outside, doos that make you think oh ok this is the entrance. anyway at the point where i got to the archway overtop some concrete stairs going below to wherever the fuck fil encouraged me to go on and i said no i’m scared, he on sidewalk-foot continues on so i decide to end my scaling of the mountaineous varsity and make my way down to street level – ALACK! my foot slips on snow on the three foot last descent to the ground and my legs tangle up inside each other and i do a three sixty and come THIS CLOSE to falling down twenty conrete stairs on my face – i caught myself at the last second and my left shin is jammed between a railing and drags across the bricks and i yelp out, “YELP.” and fil is already many moons away and turns in slow motion to see his pathetic partner in the lamest pile of herself ever.

he had to half-support me into the varsity and not laugh. i wanted to laugh but i was in too much pain.

now i have the biggest fucking goose-egg puffy bruise on my shin.

oh and then we watched the pink panther and i laughed louder and harder than everyone else and fil was embarassed.

caveman poem

i’m sorry but people who think poetry slams are cool are fucking lame nerd losers. everytime i have been at victory cafe there is always nerdy shit going on upstairs, last nite it was poetry. this black lady was screaming that she has tiny hips and big lips and she is black power when i went to the bathroom. people were actually nodding their heads to this shit like they understand what it means to be a black woman in toronto, it was all very the real world 90’s style. last time it was a bunch of university kids playing tubas and violins and cellos – GAY!

i can’t decide which is worse, poetry readings, book readings or spoken word.

i was gonna go up there and read the menu in this pretentious long drawn out voice.

“STEAK…PEPPERCORN, SAUCE? GREEN BEANS, TABASCO, BUTTERED……MASHED POTATOES?”

a boys story

anewyorkthing

Girl, 7, shares cocaine with Grade 2 classmates

go philly!

read my buzznet journal why? cos they pay me.

so yes i will be 23 years old soon. march 31. there will be a party for me of sorts. who wants me to mail them a postcard? the first person to email me their address gets one. ok i have two to mail. no wait this isn’t fair to people who can’t read my blog until after work. whoever pays me the best compliment in these comments will get a postcard. the runner-up compliment gets one also. i will mail the postcard at the end of the day. you are also required to scan or take a foto of the postcard, the side i write on and put it on your blog or email it to me if you don’t have a blog. (if you don’t have a blog by now you are ugly).

this is what the postcard looks like:

ps. people who pronounce mature like ma-tour and not ma-chur are animals!

oh yeah are you allowed to mail nudity? if not i will x out my nipples.