right now i drink a lot. everyday. nite i mean. it started around july when i quit smoking weed because of the panic attacks and whatnot. anyway. i drink a lot ‘cos there is nothing else to do here. this town reminds me of rockland, maine and living there in the wintertime. we drank pretty much every nite there. we didn’t have any friends there and the only reason it happened was because his dad died in that house and he was the only one out of his siblings not married with kids so he got to live there and i got to live there to keep him company and escape my canadian life and avoid going to college.
i was an 18 year old housewife and when you’re 18 and not living in your own country and you drink all of the time, you are not a drunk – that’s simply your temporary life style.
it lasted three months.
i couldn’t tolerate the isolation and the meanness from someone ten years older and miserable and taking it out on me and one day when he was getting up and ready to go out and leave me stranded in that house again, i snapped.
i bawled and wailed and slammed the bathroom medicine cabinet to make sure he could hear me and he came upstairs and said this isn’t working out, is it?
so i flew back to canada 2 weeks after that on my 19th birthday.
my dad picked me up from the airport and we drove to the pub below the apartment he was living in at the time and on the way there i told him i was gonna go back to the hardware store for a few months then move out to toronto and bla bla he’s like sure and then i did move to toronto.
anyway.
i’m now not living in toronto anymore and i now live in my grandma’s house but she doesn’t live here and she’s not dead and anyway i am never here anyhow and i’m moving back to toronto again in a couple months and then i will write all about this town like i am many many moons away from it and hopefully i can remember things still you know, cute insightful little things rather than details about barflies that make me and you sad but still interested.
a period of mental collapse occurring in one’s twenties, often caused by an inability to function outside of school or structured environments coupled with a realization of one’s essential aloneness in the world. Often marks induction into the ritual of pharmaceutical usage.
EMOTIONAL KETCHUP BURST:
the bottling up of opinions and emotions inside oneself so that they explosively burst forth all at once, shocking and confusing employers and friends–most of whom thought things were fine.
SUCCESSOPHOBIA:
the fear that if one is successful, then one’s personal needs will be forgotten and one will no longer have one’s childish needs catered to.
ANTI-SABBATICAL:
a job taken with the sole intention of staying only for a limited period of time (often one year). the intention is usually to raise enough funds to partake in another, more personally meaningful activity such as watercolor sketching in Crete or designing computer knit sweaters in Hong Kong. employers are rarely informed of intentions.
NOW DENIAL:
to tell oneself that the only time worth living in is the past and that the only time that may ever be interesting again is the future.
BAMBIFICATION:
the mental conversion of flesh and blood living creatures into cartoon characters possessing bourgeois Judeo-Christian attitudes and morals.
DISEASES FOR KISSES (HYPERKARMA):
a deeply rooted belief that punishment will somehow always be far greater than the crime: ozone holes for littering.
SPECTACULARISM:
a fascination with extreme situations.
STATUS SUBSTITUTION:
using an object with intellectual or fashionable cachet to substitute for an object that is merely pricey: “Brian, you left your copy of Camus in your brother’s BMW.”
SURVIVULOUSNESS:
the tendency to visualize oneself enjoying being the last remaining person on earth. “I’d take a helicopter up and throw microwave ovens down on the Taco Bell.”
CULT OF ALONENESS:
the need for autonomy at all costs, usually at the expense of long-term relationships. often brought about by overly high expectations of others.
CELEBRITY SCHADENFREUDE:
lurid thrills derived from talking about celebrity deaths.
POOR BUOYANCY:
the realization that one was a better person when one had less money.
101-ISM:
the tendency to pick apart, often in minute detail, all aspects of life using half-understood pop psychology as a tool.
YUPPIE WANNABE’S:
an X generation subgroup that believes the myth of a yuppie life-style being both satisfying and viable. tend to be highly in debt, involved in some form of substance abuse, and show a willingness to talk about Armageddon after three drinks.
ULTRA SHORT TERM NOSTALGIA:
homesickness for the extremely recent past: “God, things seemed so much better in the world last week.”
CAFE MINIMALISM:
to espouse a philosophy of minimalism without actually putting into practise any of its tenets.
AIR FAMILY:
describes the false sense of community experienced among coworkers in an office environment.
OCCUPATIONAL SLUMMING:
taking a job well beneath one’s skill or education level as a means of retreat from adult responsibilities and/or avoiding possible failure in one’s true occupation.
BRADYISM:
a multisibling sensibility derived from having grown up in large families. a rarity in those born after approximately 1965, symptoms of Bradyism include a facility for mind games, emotional withdrawal in situations of overcrowding, and a deeply felt need for a well-defined personal space.
STRANGELOVE REPRODUCTION:
having children to make up for the fact that one no longer believes in the future.
SQUIRES:
the most common X generation subgroup and the only subgroup given to breeding. Squires exist almost exclusively in couples and are recognizable by their frantic attempts to recreate a semblance of Eisenhower-era plenitude in their daily lives in the face of exorbitant housing prices and two-job life-styles. Squires tend to be continually exhausted from their voraciously acquisitive pursuit of furniture and knickknacks.
POVERTY LURKS:
financial paranoia instilled in offspring by depression-era parents.
OPTION PARALYSIS:
the tendency, when given unlimited choices, to make none.
DOWN-NESTING:
the tendency of parents to move to smaller, guest-room-free houses after the children have moved away so as to avoid children aged 20 to 30 who have boomeranged home.
i wish i had my copy of napoleon dynamite back from my brother i am so utterly lost without it. modest mouse was on saturday nite live last nite and it was a repeat. i’m trying to remember something funny.
i just sneezed and i feel like i am tripping out.
we discussed me being a professional stand up comedian like the next margaret cho and fil said what you want to be a not funny lesbo who screams and i said that’s basically what i am already doing except i am not asian. i may as well stand up and complain about stuff with a microphone and more of an audience, right?
but then i thought, maybe i’m not funny, i think i’ve plateau’d.
i’m having a pre mid-twenties breakdown i think. i have one at least once a day.
this oldschool batman cartoon was on tv last nite too though it wasn’t strictly batman, wonderwoman was in and other characters i forget the names of and it was the funniest crap ever because the one-liners were something what arnold swarzenwhatever would say and it was like the cartoons they make for saturday nite live, the superhero lameness.
i’m afraid i have used up all insightful commentary for today’s posts so i am going to brush my teeth and try to be witty in real life now.
this dude sean his grandmar makes these scarves that are all soft and crap and all the bitches in the bar when they’re loaded go up to the scarf and try to make out with it and so sean’s sister, ever the entrepreneur or something made up the grandma loves me silver shiny thing to be sewed onto the scarf and it makes girls want to lay you even more because their grandma is dead and never made them no scarf. you can get the scarves from some faggy hair salon on church in toronto. email me if u want one i’ll be messenger.
sophie!
too bad that dingus lost.
i like it in pubs when they put positive messages on the walls and frame them for you to look at when you are playing darts and loaded out of your mind and you are like right, i am going to stop drinking tomorrow and then you don’t so you go to a different pub where there aren’t any signs to make you feel guilty but then a week later you find yourself in that same pub and you are like harhuh! so we meet again framed positive message sign. bastard!
smoking outside at a concert there are all these people dressed in their finest coolest articles and you have to listen to them talk and then before you go in to watch more of the concert you whip out your camera and take a picture of the fence gate thing because it has a deeper meaning and something that by the time you look at the picture when you get home or a week later you are like haha those people thought i was doing something important and clever. pffffffffft.
i wish i was smart enough to think of something like this to draw about. what?
i think that says poon. i hope that it does. but maybe it says pooh or was suppose to and the 13 year old who was carving it in ran out of time before he got a chance to finish because he was gonna miss his bus.
imagine if your grandma was that tiny and she followed you around telling you off and s-talking your uncle and you are like when are those miniature muffins going to be ready?
that’s me using dial-up + aol to email some files at my brother’s work it was so boring and slow. good thing i could watch price is right and shoot off fire extinguishers ‘cos they had slow leaks.
i dunno how i feel about the confederate flag. like it’s suppose to be cool to be racist or something or maybe just racist to be racist. maybe just a novelty. there’s no way in hell any canadian would hang that crap out in their yard, they only do it in secret inside of their homes and it is so scandalous when people come over everyone hovers around it. whatever. some rich kid in town has one hung above his bed in the basement and his dad is apparently a big ole racist too. fucking losers. how do you even go and buy one of those flags with a clear conscience like is there a big racist secret hidden warehouse someplace and if you go in and buy something and bring it home you are ultra bad-ass all of a sudden and the guy at the cash register is like good for you son? some people can get away with hanging up offensive crap on their walls ‘cos they’re doing it to be clever or funny or make a statement you know but others put that crap up becuase they actually believe what it stands for and people like that are the biggest cowards ever and never have anything interesting to say about anything ever and pretty much go through life being ordinary and unlikeable.
and then there are those drinking is fun and funny plaques with bottle openers on them. rock!
that tree is awesome because it is from the beginning of time and so is the one strand of oldschool xmas bulbs and only some of them work and the decorations are ancient and probably worth money and they’re all birds and classy but very delicate and what else, well, i guess it means more to me than to you so i’ll shut up about it.
oh i saw a thrown out christmas tree on the sidewalk and it made me feel sad and i wanted to save it but i didn’t. that little tree was grown just to be cut down put in a room for a week then chucked to the side of the road. gay.
then when you go to someone’s house and you compliment their real tree and you smell it then they ask if you have a real one and you say no then they are shocked and kind of hate you for the rest of the nite like how if they were a dog person and you were a cat person, that kind of hate, anyway, you tell them that you use to have real trees but then you got a fake one and life was easier and then they go on about the whole getting of the tree experience and how nice it is and shit and you say well look at your fucking floor, who has to take that shit down? you? heck no, the man is gonna do it and he’s going to be swearing the entire time and you’re going to be hiding in the laundry room and then you’ll go to your mother’s for a little while.
ok so here is what i think about the life aquatic with steve zissou
top five words to describe the life aquatic with steve zissou
endearing
bittersweet
funny
jeff goldblum is awesome
i like the part where bill murray flicks that little lizard off his hand when he is trying to convince his wife to give him money
you can basically call this the royal tenenbaums sequel except they are on a boat and sometimes on a tiny island and some of the characters from the royal tenenbaums aren’t even in the life aquatic film which is confusing a little bit but then you are like oh ya this isn’t actually the sequel to the royal tenenbaums.
phew.
wes anderson is the genius behind both films. duh dur duuuuuuuuuuuuuh. so all those cute little attention to detail things you expect to see and then you see them and you are like wow that was cute.
maybe i wasn’t fully paying attention because i was so pissed off at the slowness of our food arriving at east side mario’s before the movie, who knows, but i didn’t notice that cool song that’s in the previews at all.
what. the. fuck.
you know the song where they are all walking slow-motion down the stairs together and everybody is happy and it is very dramatic and beautiful and makes you want to drop everything and go to wherever the hell they are and be walking down the stairs alongside them and have a little kid on top of your shoulders because you are a big showboat?
anyway, the trailer for the life aquatic (as do/does all trailers) crammed in every single clever moment that it could so when you are watching it finally you are like OH THAT’S FROM THE PREVIEWS I REMEMBER THAT PART YES!
regardless it is definitely worth seeing and the only reason people are shit-talking it is because they are ordinary, uncreative, high-standard snobs who are just jealous ‘cos they are not wes anderson and they haven’t put together a blockbuster themselves and so what if he totally ripped-off his previous films, the shit works.
like why don’t you go to the lake and tell it to fuck off while you’re at it.
ahem.
you come away from the life aquatic wanting to go on some big adventure and you realise that everyone with money is an asshole and you hate them and also you roll your eyes imagining next year’s halloween costumes all being skinny boring hipster kids wearing those red toques and cute sweaters with the letter ‘z’ and being pre-angry and annoyed that you can’t make that your costume because everybody is gonna be doing it so instead you’re gonna dress like napoleon dynamite like everybody else ‘cos at least that will be funny.
don’t you hate people who dress sexy on halloween but if you don’t do it then you walk around feeling unsexy and fat and your whole nite just sucks.
what else.
oh and if you are on your period you might cry at the part where they have to leave the three-legged dog with those pirate thieves because everybody wants a three-legged dog because they’re missing a leg but can still run faster than you and people are always amazed and impressed by them and then you can get away with being a giant bore of a person.
the life aquatic might make you feel a little bit lonely but also will make you appreciate your everyday circle of friends and you might wear matching clothes to show everybody else who is not a part of your circle that you and the circle have a great big bond of love.
oh wait people already do that because of the GAP.
right.
and as a sidenote
i think my next job is going to be cart-collector at your local supermarket because then i can wear a big stupid winter jacket all the time even in summer if i want to and i can disappear for hours on end and then my boss will yell at me a lot because some woman will complain to him about neutrogena being way too expensive and i’ll be like dooooooood shave your moustache.
the life aquatic makes you want to be simple and also helps you appreciate/respect simple but you are still jealous of jeff goldblum because he is rich but because he is zany and has scientific high maintenance type one-liners and is part gay you are all allowed to like him.
