the following is a tale sent to me from my nice ladyfriend in England where she says in her town everybody knows everybody so i am not allowed to say exactly where, not until she moves away from it i guess, if ever, that is when you are allowed to s-talk everybody.

OK.. something sorta funny and or dark.. thats a toughie but after having

gone for a poo and read the backs of all the shampoo bottles nearby for

inspiration I can only offer this story which begins with the weirdos who

lived in the bungalow next to my house when I was a kid.

From the very start they werent right because they lived in a bungalow which

was set in the middle of a row of terraced houses so it was like a whole

bunch of terraces had been removed and an oddball bungalow stuck in the

middle. So they had a grumpy fat son and a grumpy fat daughter who never

spoke but she used to go out wearing a pair of bright pink stilletto heels

and a black jacket which I always thought was the height of fashion and I

wasnt allowed to have that kind of stuff so I just stayed in my room all the

time trying to dress like Madonna a la Material Girl stylee and Id peep thru

the gap in my bedroom curtains and watch the grumpy daughter walk down the

road every day wearing those shoes I wanted. The grumpy parents of the son

and daughter never spoke to my family not even if we were standing in our

front garden. The dad drove an ugly brown Citroen car which he parked in the

driveway and he always shut the gates behind it and the lock on the gates

made a little arc shaped groove in the cement on the driveway where it had

opened and closed so many times. They always shut the gates because they had

a dog which was a labrador – a black one. I dont know that dogs name to this

day but guess what – yep – it was grumpy but I loved dogs so in my

estimation it was the best of a bad lot… a rose between a bunch of

thorns.Out of the blue the grumpy mother waddled up to the fence between our

gardens one day as my mum was trying to find the front door key and she

asked if we would look after the dog while they went on holiday. My mum said

ok and when we got inside the house she launched into disbelief that the

rude bitch had the balls to never talk to us and then ask for a favour as

large as that and I remember a whole load of kiwi fruits fell out of a tear

in the bag of shopping mum was holding in the hallway and she said ‘shit’.

The fat grumpy lot all went on holiday and left us with the door key and on

the first day I went round their house. Thru the first black wrought iron

gate and the second and to the back door where once I opened the door I was

confronted with a pissed off black Lab dog growling at me. I liked dogs and

I didnt like to see him upset so I filled his bowl up with food and then

looked around the kitchen to see what stuff they had. I remember the kitchen

was green and the floor had brown tiles. The dog didnt want its food so I

took it for a walk and when I brought it home it snarled at me when I took

the lead off its collar. Just as I was going to leave I gave the pissed off

dog a hug and that is when it snapped and tore a hole in my face near my

mouth.

And that is when my mum came running over to see where I had been and she

saw blood down the front of my favourite white t-shirt with a whale on it.

So she grabbed the nearby garden pitchfork and jabbed it at the dog to get

it in the house and ushered me back to our house.

I looked in the mirror in the bathroom and saw the hole in my face and stuck

my tongue through it. A drip of blood landed on the corner of the small rug

which also had a whale on it. My family liked whales.

Several weeks after the incident I had the stitches removed and ended up

with a giant scab which I was itching to pick. My mum threatened me with

death if I picked it because it would scar my face. My finger nail scraped

nervously at the edge of the scab day and night, slowly flaking tiny pieces

of the edge of it away… making sure never to make it bleed.But I couldnt

stand it.

I took my bike across to the pavement on the other side of the road because

it was smoother over there. One of the neighbourhood kids was in her front

garden and saw me riding up and down. She didnt like me on her side of the

street so I rode up and down more, making her angry. She kept telling me to

go on my side of the street but I taunted her. And thats when she went off

and came back with a really big branch from a tree and dangled it over the

fence to knock me off my bike.

She didnt succeed but with some quick thinking I dropped my bike and grabbed

my face yelling “OWWwwwweeee” and I ran like the clappers to my bedroom and

took great delight in ripping that big ass scab off my face…. and stood in

horror as the hole opened up again…

and then lied my ass off to my mum when she screamed at me!

“it was Sarahs fault!” I shrieked.

Sarah got the ass beating of her life and I rode up and down that side of

the road alllll week while she watched from the window of her room where she

was grounded.