this is all from the year 2000 and i am 17 years old and drunk

10:31am

i’m having a trippy episode – my eyes are flickering and i’ve written my name obsessively on my styrofoam cup 14 times. some robitussin will calm me down. weed money is noted down as “walking money” on expense reports. hahaha.

1:26pm i am apparently – a neo-liberalist. thanks jason.

5:45pm

randomly chose to sit and chainsmoke and drink white chilled wine by myself at cafe riverside or something like that – this trippy bumpin’ loungeplace across the street from opera house. i have my own couch and booth and pillow. i just don’t have you here with me.

stef and diane are waiting outside in the cold becuz they’re hardcore fans like that of stereophonics and i am not.

i am really liking this song. i am in the mood for random drunkenness. yes i am i think so. random drunkenness alone.

countdown to valentine’s day.

countdown to acceptance of dan’s total unreliableness.

i sat there for awhile pretending you [not dan, someone else] were sitting across from me i sat there and i wrote bad poetry on the spot for you and i thought about you

about you

i lit another smoke and then i hugged the pillow

i did

on a monday nite

i did

i looked out the window and onto the street and i smiled at my loneliness

the two guys walked deeper into the room and looked at the lonely piano then took off their jackets

my pants match the color of the booth

i wish i was wearing all black

i search the room with sullen eyes for something familiar something that is me

the girl eats orange slices with a silver fork “do we get bread with that?”

i think about the lonely boy at the table in the rayne’s park coffeehouse in wimbledon/london and me at the tableseat near the window

alone and smiling weakly

you lied about your age. he lied about his job. the important things is you’re getting free drinks. – newad.com – advertising that talks to 18-34 year olds.

it suddenly got dangerously dark outside real fast.

i’ve got time to kill too much time what will i drink next? this cool,lobsided and wobbly looking lamp is beside me right now – ikea-ish?

therapy has been rescheduled for thursday at 2:40 then i work at 4.

wine makes me loopy sad and tired and aroused and hungry and my lids are heavy.

wine in a place like this costs an arm and a leg it does.

i will just sit here drinking and thinking about you.

could i possibly be more alone that this? sure. of course. there’s a stripclub just up a ways. durr…

quelle fucking drag you know.

they’re drinking dry martinis over there.

i’m becoming delusional.

i just thought that if someone did in fact join me, i would not be able to handle it. to deal. i just couldn’t, not ready for it.

laura and curly ate a 26 dollar steak once – they really did. i can’t believe i am amazed by that.

another smoke to lite and i am going the route of fucked-upness, i’m playing that card. so far i think it’s working half ‘n half.

next on the agenda is godet, milk, ice. it’s the GAP of Bailey’s i think or Ben once said, or maybe it was me.

i’ve left a temporary indentation in the seat where my ass would be and now i am leaving to be across the street and drink over there and listen to a band from the UK that i halfcare about but i am sure they are very nice.