i write better when there is a cigarette in my mouth because then i know i have something to look forward to

could be yer brand

UPDATE: I took this photo in 2004, the date of the post actually and I knew that in the future on blogs something in the photo would pay for the blog post, would be sponsored, but I knew it would take a long time before that happened because there weren’t enough people out there yet reading blogs to substantiate the cost of the advertisement. I had 1800 daily traffic at the time. Google analytics? Please.

hung with adan and company last nite and we talked about whoring around and how he is all unhappy over it and we think it’s ‘cos of the change of seasons ‘cos everyone wants a boyfriend/girlfriend right now to cuddle around and be all winter-fat with.

i know. lame.

we’re such a needy species.

and the whole time i was being all i understand this i understand that you are stressed ‘cos of this dur dur dur and i am looking around the room at people and trying to figure them out and this one guy makes a point to go bye adan out the door he goes and adan says i have never seen that guy before in my life i don’t know who the fuck he is and i said well he obviously was touched by you and made a point to remember who you were so maybe you should pay attention to people

some annoying crap like that

and adan really didn’t care he only wanted a hug

we also complained about b-rad and how he has some girl and now adan is annoyed ‘cos it means he has to look at himself and his life and go oh ok i can’t keep all these hussies it is expensive and it makes me sad

so i offered hang out platonic time

and he was all, yeh this sadness-thing will be over in three days no thanks, basically

and i was fine with that

so we parted ways and now adan is at work talking to roughly 300 people on the phone all day long getting contracts for music groups and finding the venue, something with finances, whatever, he’s like tom cruise in vanilla sky, going to inherit the company anyway, tho’ it doesn’t mean the job ain’t draining and tough

i take people as seriously as they take themselves and then a little bit more

happy wednesday.

i suggest you guys go see the grudge in theatres now.

it’s vurry scurry.

-phlegm factory.

Hello, i have alterior motives. i want a free pair of campers because i live in this snooty moneytown after living in Brooklyn, Toronto, the UK, Maine…anyway, this is the town of disposable income and i am the coolest person in town because i stick out, i am marketable and i am rude and i am broke but you wouldn’t know it. some other shoe company gave my friend tim a free pair of shoes ‘cos his look fit their demographic, whatever. anyway, i have been obsessed with campers for three years now and i have owned other rip-off brands because i cannot afford your shoes…

i have a website and a global cult following, it’s like a reality me journal with photos and tons of content and i’ve been doing it since 1999, it is now 2004 and i am 21 years old, still bitter..tra la. so if you sent me a pair of shoes they’s be on the site because i would wear them religiously and i would not tell people i got them for free. raymitheminx.com is the sitething. thank you for your time and i do not apologize for the hasty way it was typed. oh yes, all of the right people read me, yes, even famous people. xo raymi/lauren

Dear Lauren

Thank you for contacting with Camper.com

In response to your mail, we are sorry that we are unable to assist as requested in your message. We wish you all the best in your endeavours.

Best regards,

Camper Web Team

www.camper.com

Ironic how i get this repsonse after my whole whiny tirade about the rich staying richer and all that shit.

pfft.

should i write back to them or give up?

you write them for me and be all, STUPID IDIOTS! she is going to eternally lose her crap now.

i’m resigned to rejection by now, now i just find it amusing how not one person gets it, i am pitching a new-wave marketing thing-a-ling and everyone is just, guh?

steal my ideas, i dare you, good luck, my suggestion is to not have a blog with swearing in it, drug-talk, booze-talk, depression-talk, nudity, vulgar anger rants about nothing other than how much you are annoyed by society and then you do absolutely nothing to change it other than complain more and more and get everyone else all huffy and then there are a bunch of angry useless people just all angry and shit

and then you are like please advertise on this blog because everyone loves it

and campers is all, no way jose you have herpes!

that is me looking friggin’ evil before i dragged ward to the tits and vagina club with aimee and the quad of manfriends waiting there and the first thing i said was that i had to take a crap and i left the smoking area to do just that and i was waiting in the bathroom that is all skiddish because establishments have zero respect for the women getting ‘em all this business and the men’s room has a fuckin’ bouncer that sucks your dick for you when you wash your stupid fucking manhands while i am waiting in the stripper lavatory behind butts and hair looking at themselves in the mirror putting on all the make-up in the entire universe and ignoring the crap out of me and then i get up on stage and give strippergirl some money for your male beneficial-entertainment but mostly for that of my friend’s but still, i am a paying customer just like you are so the question is, where in the shit is MY bouncer to be sucking MY dick at?

oh that’s right, your mama’s!

hay-oh!

oh and ps, people who are afraid to be emailing gmail accounts because they now realise that everything stays on the server even when it is deleted so these tardbags are the same ones who have something to hide and think that if they email hotmail or yahoo they are undetectable, pfft.

pps you can still email me though because i would never do anything to make you look bad, ever. people email me all the time and say why was i so afraid to email you so intimidated tra la la and i am like i dunno i am kind of mean and bitchy sounding and if i am irritated at the time of email communicae i might say something hotheaded but that doesn’t mean anything, really, it just means i am a prick and you should not get all huffy about it, you should say something back to me because i am bored and pathetic and an opinionated no-talent ass-clown and you should try and shoot me down however, if you are all anonymous over it, this ruins everything, kuz then all i am making fun of is some dinky email address that you spent a whole hour thinking up a name for.

winner.

and yeh i remember i talked all this shit about gmail doing the thinking for me before but now i am at a point where, dude, i don’t WANT to think anymore, screw, that.

jamie is a fucking genius and prolly to good to date all of you sexy ladies, he is too gentle and sincere and kind and sad and taken for granted by some stank hussy and so he cares about you and thinks about you but he mopes around taking pictures being alone and travels the world to fall in love with bicycle-riding hipster girls with fucked-up teeth and then he lets me crash on his couch for a week and not leave the apartment and chainsmoke and eat popcorn and beer and read his manuscript and the madonna sex book and make long distance phonecalls to LA to someone who didn’t want to be dating me anymore anyway, the end.

Raymi:

Good morning!

I thank you for your email but more so for being such a MegaTouch fan!! You are one of several million fans who play our product on a regular basis and I do appreciate your loyalty.

I also appreciate your concern regarding the pricing of the MegaTouch but unfortunately, it is not Merit who owns and operates the MegaTouch in Prime Time but it is a local businessman. Please check on the unit and hopefully you will find their contact information and I would certainly send your thoughts to them.

I have also passed your email onto Mr. Tom Kane, VP Sales for Merit Industries who is responsible for the US and Canada. I am responsible for all other markets therefore if you have any concerns while traveling the world please feel free to contact me.

I visited your website which I found to be quite unique & entertaining.

Again, thank you for your comments and please feel free to contact me at any time.

Sincerely,

Frank Ballouz

let me tell you something about something

everyone is waiting to be discovered so you should discover them and then email them and say wow you have talent i am going to help you and recruit you because you are ridiculously intelliegent and creative and have character because you come from so much pain

and then you help them

but not in the manner in which you want to help them in you have to help them in the manner that strokes their capacity to be the same person they were that made you email them in the first place

you are not suppose to tell them to go to school to get better at what they already know how to do better than you because that is how they came to be

they merely are a different-shaped peg than the hole you already have that you want to fit them into

if this person is a slacker that is how they are because they went thru life being one doing the bare-minimum required of them because they do not care about grades in school so much

they pay attention to things that interest them and if it is not presented in an interesting enough manner than you are a failure of a teacher and you are not trying hard enough because the spark has gone away in your heart because no one properly inspired you and i am sorry about that

don’t refer to this person as “interesting” and leave it at that

you are only allowed to refer to them as “interesting” and be their friend, in their life, talk to them, guide them, help them, if you make a point to understand them and then go the extra yard and say, suckafool, you are a decent investment of my time, tell me what your needs are and i will do everything in my power to help you and we will both make money from this and then you guys write up a contract together and do wha tthe contract says and if your lawyer is a shady focker than you should not be even considering this whole investment-thing

because YOU are a shady focker

the rich can’t keep ripping off the poor

the rich can’t keep being rich

the poor hate the rich the rich hate the poor the poor manipulate the rich the rich stands alone the rich stands alone

hi ho the merry-o

the rich stands alone

the poor fucks the rich, the rich eats more cheese, the poor gets sort of famous, the rich says i invented the poor…the poor revolt, the poor revolt….and eventually goes to jail or something….

anyway

people need to change the way they think about these types of things, these words, titles, it’s such a waste of energy

what else

oh yeh, if you are a man, you will never get it because you do not know what it is like to shed the lining of a uterus and how much crazzyness that entails

all it is about women and menstruating is, they have zero tolerance for your bullshit, zero patience, nothing has changed about them other than that so you continue being males, ignoring your wife/gf and she is screaming at you about a frying pan in the sink and you are all guh?

it’s because you are sitting there, always, doing. nothing.

ok back on track here, how do you properly help this person, what do you do, what do you propose?

you propose nothing other than i want to help refine you because right now you are perfect, i just want to polish you a little and no i do not want you to be the next avril lavigne, i want you to be the next you, i want you to be the margaret cho of your desired industry and you are going to come to all of my fancy yuppie meetings and dazzle everybody and no it is not necessary for you to always be around me, you are allowed to work from home and slack off all you want because i bought you an assistant and they do all the organizing for you and they are completely satisfied in doing that and eventually they will quit and write a tell-all book about you and you will sue them or threaten to write a tell-all book about them and get it published first

it is your duty as “venture capitalist” to go hey, my job sucks i have TONS of money and i am going to approach this person and not wait for them to come to me

or if you’re lucky and have a smart apprentice, they find the talent and suggest it to you because they have a crush on you or know that they will also profit

moreover

EAT IT!

and i say that because i am a big pile of complaining because i am getting older and the smarter i get the dumber i act and one day i am going to just totally burn every bridge i almost had.

ps i quit.

over the summer i walked around naked a lot [sketchy bikini] kuz i was all tanned well soon to be anyway and i was skinnier kuz i knew i was not going to be happy unless i made it so i was skinnier so i had lots of caffeine and depression pills and booze and close to zero sleep and fights with the entire universe and did any and everything to keep myself busy, as long as it was self-destructive and recriminating and stressed me out and made it so i talked like courtney love all over again and made me scarey because when i talked i sounded like i believed in myself so much and that everything i said was true and right and i just came off as arrogant and fucking irritating and then being “pretty” and “skinny” and “caucasian” and “female” and “tall” and “hyper” and “younger” made everything ten times better.

i hope your sarcasm meter is turned on.

so then i am known more as crazzy the minx, or crazy the minx, “affectionately coined” in toronto by the higher ups of coolness or something and i am like that is so funny and chuckled but then i felt really bad about myself.

when i come off as arrogant like i truely believe in myself i am doing it to make you believe in me, in my being, my spirit, it’s like i have to convince you that i am “a-ok” “howdy-pardner” “stranger” and so on and then i want you to take me seriously and then i want you to help me be organized and then that doesn’t happen and i start ignoring you because you just want to hang out with me because i am so frigging entertaining because, i am crazzy the minx.

aimee said “FUCK YOUR BLOG! People who know you should not be reading it.”

Real life people she meant and i thought about it and i agreed, just a little bit.

but still, having a blog is like existing. when you dont have one, you don’t exist, and if people don’t notice and read you or contact you and praise you over it you go, WHAT in the FUCK is WRONG with ME and WHY arent people PAYING to read me and sponsor all the clothes i am wearing because i know you are all reading and we could all be getting along and i could be advertising for you and making indie films for you of you and pushing you until you were the next coca cola or something.

but then, raymi would be selling out, no, raymi would be selling in, and raymi this raymi that, who fucking cares.

raymi is just a name i made up for a girl in this psyche ward and it was called the last minx and sort of becamse a self-fulfilling prophecy and it was a fluke that raymi was actually the name of this native indian cultural thing….

what is the point of all this?

there isn’t one, i go in circles, that is what you are accustom to and apparently i am ok with it. pfft.

i need anger management in the worst way i need to learn how to cope and i need to learn how to ask for help without having to ask for it because i have too much pride and then when it gets to talking money i either cry or scream in your fucking face because you just don’t understand permanent poverty mentality because you have never experienced it and yeh you probably have but still you don’t know it how i know it or how this other person i know knows it and maybe i don’t have the capacity to be a drug dealer or a scam artist everyday in a big city because i wasn’t born into a situation like that and i didn’t have false idols who were criminals and so i wanted to be the good guy in the movie but still i could always play the bad guy part, ten times better.

ungh.

when i start thinking about someone who has hurt me or my family or friend my brain starts pulsating and my fists clench and my whole body turns into the incredible hulk ‘cos i am fantasizing about telling off that person and then i stay up all nite in my bed until the fantasy tell-off is over and it is 4am and i have to wake up early for the job i slack off at.