so we ate french cheese from canada and tried to watch twist but it was too drab and depressing so we watched meangirls instead and we drank fancy vodka and cream soda and got all sleepy and were total dirtbags oh yeh we had sushi and then we watched some footage of hanna doing a show at the royal york and the camera guy she hired was total crap and i am going thru videos of yesterday’s auditioners and making fun of a lot of them i’ll transcribe all the notes i made from yesterday tomorrow because i am a nicegirl.

i havent even washed my face and i am walking around in wool socks the weather is kinda crappy, people keep calling me to figure out what is happening tonite, tomorrow, the nite after, this whole halloween-thing is kinda stressful, the whole making-an-effort of it, i mean.

last year’s halloween jamie and i walked around looking at people wearing costumes and we hung out in that harlot-tavern and i poured hot candle-wax on the tables and we peeled it off and made cubes out of it and i let him take pics of me ‘cos i was starting to feel confident again, well i had to, i was in nyc, you know?

i had coolhandluke’s sweater and black hair again and this green jacket that wasn’t all tagged with raymi-crazy graffiti on it and i talked to the blond girl on msn for the first time after all that draaaaama and then to tina and he was all excited over it, and now i know why he was all excited over it.

so i was there for a week and i didn’t leave jamie’s apartment i just sat on the couch with pillows what fall off of it, jamie would come home from work and i would make like i hadn’t been chainsmoking all day long staring at the bodyshopsketchbags across the street.

now i would have left the apartment had there been extra keys, had there been extra keys, i prolly wouldn’t have left the apartment anyway, had i been more ambitious i would have just met jamie in the city instead of being an invalid.

true called sometimes and we met up and true was very nice and flattering and i was taken aback because i was so not in that big-ego raymi thing, i was feeling so not, anything.

i felt nothing, i felt things i felt sad, but that sadness came from the inability to feel, and my hair fell out because i was getting over an abortion and had extra weight on because of these you-are-so-totally-not-right medication because you try to friggin’ hard to be happy and make other people happy and now look at you.

anyway, i want to say thank you to everyone, even if you just read me and never say anything to me, or we’ve met and you’ve let me hold your hand, or you have lent me a nickel, or you let me have you over and wait on you while you watch dumb things or read my books, thank you for being a part of my world.

weird how that got all gay like that.